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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ds birthday ruined by his dad. Feeling so annoyed.

81 replies

roseonrye · 19/12/2021 07:00

My ds has been so excited for his birthday just like most children. I've spent weeks trying to plan him a lovely day and all it's took is one person to ruin it all.

My ds woke up happy yesterday and opened his presents. His dad ( cannot even call him dp as I'm so annoyed) sat watching, happy to begin with. Once presents were open his dad began making comments about the price of things. I told him we will talk about it in private and explained everything was in some sort of sale and I spent around £150 in total. That is an amount we decided on.

Then I invited a friend of ds and their mum over. His dad knew they were coming. He sat looking pissed off the whole time they were there. He cracked the odd joke and thought that was enough. I made a party lunch for them with some cakes, crisps, sandwiches etc.

After they left his dad began moaning that I've let our kids eat too much crap and now they will be hyper all day. ( They we're actually fine and much better behaved than he had been) Also complaining the guest stayed too long and he feels stressed out about the mess everywhere. I explained that ds can keep his presents downstairs on his birthday and tomorrow he will put them in his room. Also complaining he has a headache as the music we used for party games was too lively

To cut a very long story short, he spent the whole day moaning and complaining about something. His excuse was that birthdays can be overwhelming as they disrupt the routine. I snapped back saying that the children haven't been overwhelmed and as a grown man he shouldn't be either.

After ds went to bed last night, I cried. I cried as I was sad for ds who had been looking forward to this day for ages. His birthday was a Saturday so was so excited he had no school and dad would be home.

I cried because I was annoyed at his dad. Really annoyed that after many attempts to tell him he still continued to moan and complain. I haven't listed all of it here as I would be all day, but it was constant.

I don't know how to approach things today. I'm still really annoyed but as the dc are home now I don't have any time to properly discuss this with him.

This would annoy you all too, wouldn't it?

OP posts:

Mumoblue · 19/12/2021 08:01

That is so fucking annoying. I would have made him go out if he was going to be such a dick.
I hate it when men decide that because they’re in a bad mood they’re going to ruin it for everyone.

IgneousRock · 19/12/2021 08:03

Have you told him what DS said at bedtime? And how upset you are about it? If he denies it can you tell him all the things he moaned about?

I would be so furious with him OP. Spoiling DS's birthday for literally no reason at all!

MiddleParking · 19/12/2021 08:07

As soon as ‘disruption to routine’ was mentioned in the OP it was obvious what was going to happen to the thread. Didn’t realise autism made you have nothing to do with the choosing and purchasing of your child’s birthday presents and then complain about the price of them while your child is opening them? Or made you complain about being stressed out by a mess you’re jointly responsible for but aren’t attempting to clear up? That’s not neurodiversity, that’s being a lazy self-centred wanker. The two are actually quite far from being synonymous. Fair play to him though for hitting on some buzzwords designed to justify his shit behaviour - it would clearly have worked a charm on some people, if not OP.

StrangerThanSpring · 19/12/2021 08:11

He sounds more of a narcissist than autistic to me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's unfortunately not an uncommon complaint that a certain type of man ruins special occasions. These are usually men who can't stand a whole day that is about someone else.

Original poster

roseonrye · 19/12/2021 08:18

I know he struggles with certain things and I try to accommodate for that. To me nothing can excuse his behavior on our child's birthday. I do think he's showing signs of being narcissistic.

I haven't spoken to him yet today as he isn't awake yet.

OP posts:

Sassypants82 · 19/12/2021 08:18

My DH can occasionally be like this - for some reason usually while we're on holiday and I guess the constant entertainment of the kids wears thin. I feel so stressed trying to keep him happy to limit the moaning and mask the atmosphere for the kids.

Last time I suddenly thought 'wtf am I doing? Turning myself inside out pandering to another adult?'

So I took him aside and told him to buck the fuck up or fuck off and stop creating at atmosphere being a miserable moaning git. I told him that his childish behaviour was putting a huge strain on me and I won't be on eggshells waiting for the next passive aggressive comment.

To be fair to him, he took it on board, relaxed and was much more pleasant for the rest of the holiday.

Too late for that now, of course, but simply calling him out clearly and telling him that his behaviour is ruining the day, so to cut it out or leave and miss out, is a good way to go.

Lady1576 · 19/12/2021 08:32

I don’t think his behaviour is ok and don’t think he gets to make excuses for this, BUT I would have one more go at talking to him about it. If all this was willingly planned and agreed to in advance, then possibly he wants to do things right but just was overwhelmed by the grumps and bad behaviour on the day. If you can find it in you to approach this calmly and with empathy (as if he were a child struggling) then perhaps you can open up a discussion where you really can find a way to improve the situation going forwards. If you can show you’re trying to see it from his perspective but also show how unfair and sad it was for your son, then perhaps you can work out a plan going forward. It may be that he’s always going to find these events difficult but can get better at ‘behaving’ and not moaning. It’ll still be annoying having to put in so much work with little support but it’s worth a try if you feel up to it. Perhaps you could come up with a plan together for Christmas and see how they goes.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/12/2021 08:38

Hates going to party's and suffers with poor MH issues. Yet he agreed to all this for ds birthday.

If he genuinely struggles with social anxiety but won't acknowledge it, he might well future fake around such events.

Give him a get out - tell him as its so stressful for him, you no longer want him to be around on special occasions and he should go elsewhere. Hotels are available. Or just get out for the duration of the ocassion if you can't afford it. (I would happily spend 12 hours in a car park to avoid a party)

If he refuses this option then you know he's choosing to subject hus family to this behaviour for a reason

lookingforadvice21 · 19/12/2021 08:48

@roseonrye

My ds has been so excited for his birthday just like most children. I've spent weeks trying to plan him a lovely day and all it's took is one person to ruin it all.

I don't know how to approach things today. I'm still really annoyed but as the dc are home now I don't have any time to properly discuss this with him.

This would annoy you all too, wouldn't it?

You sound likr a great mum and you have you lb a lovely day, he sounds an utter prick and I'd be demanding that he apologises to your kids today and bucks up his ideas or he's out the door. Life is too short to be spent with pricks like that!

layladomino · 19/12/2021 08:55

I understand why you are so angry and frustrated. On his son's birthday, when he should have been doing all he could to make it a great day, he was actually doing the opposite and trying to spoil it for everyone, and to undo all the work you'd put in to making it a great day.

Utterly selfish and self-centred.

It sounds like he's done this a few times. I would say he has two options - acknowledge it and do something about it - it isn't difficult to put a smile on for a day, or remove himself for the day so his family can enjoy themselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2021 09:02

"I know he struggles with certain things and I try to accommodate for that. To me nothing can excuse his behavior on our child's birthday. I do think he's showing signs of being narcissistic".

Even more reason then to get this man out of your day to day lives/ When your attention is not fully on him i.e your child he does not it one bit. He is indeed nothing more than a lazy and self centered manchild. His poor MH issues (Is he self diagnosed?) are no free pass or excuse either to behave like this around kids or you. Has he done anything to address his supposed mental health issues (probably not ). Its no free pass either to act so appallingly around his son on his birthday.

"I haven't spoken to him yet today as he isn't awake yet".
Well wake him up and tell him that your relationship with him as at today is now at an end. He's already told you he did not see his behaviour as a problem (red flag right there).

GinIronic · 19/12/2021 09:13

Get rid. Life is too short. Do you really want to spend every future birthday or Christmas waiting for him to ruin it?

frozendaisy · 19/12/2021 09:16

If my DH tried a fraction of this shit I would hit the fucking roof.

But it's done now, Christmas next weekend what are you going to do?

I would preempt this beforehand.

I would sit him down and say "right you fun sucking leech, after your soul sapping display on DS's birthday we are not going to have a repeat on Christmas day, I have spent this much on presents if you want a whinge or discussion let's have it now with the promise it won't get mentioned on Christmas day. As for the day itself, there will be noise, chocolate, mess, presents, crackers the whole shebang. So whichbroom do you want to spend the day in and we will work around not being in that room all day."

So if he wants to spend it in the kitchen he cooks, if he wants living room open presents by the tree and go to bedrooms to play with toys.

On the odd occasion my DH has been a moody moose in the past we have just ignored him basically. Men really don't like being ignored. It works.

billy1966 · 19/12/2021 14:20

@StrangerThanSpring

He sounds more of a narcissist than autistic to me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's unfortunately not an uncommon complaint that a certain type of man ruins special occasions. These are usually men who can't stand a whole day that is about someone else.

This.

He has form for this.

Your poor son.

There is a particular type of prick that ruins special occasions.

This is deal breaker stuff.

Are you happy with him?
Is he a good father?

He sounds awful.

I would start thinking about your children because it sounds like this awful man is ruining their special moments in childhood with his selfish narcissism.

Skeumorph · 19/12/2021 14:23

Can you NOT stay home? Could you go to relatives and leave him to wallow?

Failing that - a serious talk where you make it clear that if he spoils Christmas, it'll be the last one he spends with his family. And mean it.

Salayes · 19/12/2021 14:25

I had an ex like this. Every special occasion he acted like a grumpy twat, totally incapable of relaxing or putting anyone else before him. He had had a neglectful childhood and MH issues and it felt very much to me he resented anyone having a nice time on birthdays or Xmas, even his own kids. Finally enough, he was life and soul if it was something about him he enjoyed doing.

dapsnotplimsolls · 19/12/2021 14:33

Interesting that he doesn't have any friends. Why is that?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 19/12/2021 14:41

I did wonder when reading this whether this happens on his birthday, is he also twitchy and complaining or does it only happen in everyone else's? ie when the focus isn't in him but on someone else.

Is it that he is narcissistic or just the interruption to his routine? Either way it cannot continue. He cannot spoil his children's birthdays. Thank goodness your son has you.

GlamorousHeifer · 19/12/2021 15:05

My husband can be very much like this! It's like the kids having fun annoys him (he had a shocking childhood) and he starts trying to make up new 'rules' for the day that don't make any sense, something silly like no more drinks for an hour. When I pull him up on it (and I do, not nicely either) he can't give me a reason for the new rule so I pointedly tell him there and then it's not happening!
It's like a weird way of trying to get control of a situation that doesn't need controlling. It doesn't help that he deeply dislikes my sister and her children which are usually at the event so he always comes across as a complete dick on the day!
He would be happiest sat alone in the lounge watching really really shite TV, in fact he has actually been known to ask the kids to be quiet on Christmas day so he could focus on Star wars (he's seen it hundreds of times). This didn't go down well with me or any of the other adults present.
As he isn't a complete arsehole most of the time the way we deal with it is to simply ignore any stupid requests/rules.....ie can't hear star wars then fuck off upstairs and watch it! (He never does). Can't explain why the kids can't have a drink for an hour.....I go and get them all one myself! Basically the harder he tries to put his foot down the harder I push back. It is exhausting but I have never given up and he knows now he won't win that battle!

Camembear · 19/12/2021 15:08

I’d tell him look it’s one day, don’t moan and ruin it please.

Some people are so selfish that they don’t see the effort that goes into a special day.

TheMoth · 19/12/2021 15:27

I think sometimes men forget the mantra that:"it's not all about you".

I love to party.i love to socialise.

I have always hated kids' parties. Especially in my house. But it's not about me, so I've gritted my teeth and got on with it. Dh has had to be taught this

Mellowyellow222 · 19/12/2021 15:33

My mum was like this. Moody. Sometimes she was fine and sometimes it was like a dark angry cloud over everything.

I spent my childhood worrying my dad would leave her, and we would have to live with her not him.

As a result I am now a people pleaser, always worried that people are annoyed with me, obsess over conversations.

Intervene now for the sake of your children. This is not a happy childhood

cheapskatemum · 19/12/2021 15:39

I expect he will be fine the day after because the "problem": ie birthday party, expectation to be sociable, money spent, change in routine etc is over. You know him better than I do, but it may be that he has no awareness that the consequences of his actions, such as you feeling upset about it, last a lot longer. I feel for you, OP. It's hard. I hope you manage to convey your feelings about it to him. Do you think your son will be upset longer term too? I don't think you've said how old he is, but presumably still young. Children can sometimes break through where partners can't, for example if DS says, "Daddy was unhappy on my birthday", would that make P reassess his behaviour?

motheroflions · 19/12/2021 15:42

I would tell him to make himself scarce at other family parties and if should also consider going out for the day on Christmas day as you cant be arsed with him being a mood hooverer

Clymene · 19/12/2021 15:44

What do you get out of this relationship? He sounds fucking vile.

And no, autistic people aren't vile as a rule. Please will people stop using autism as a euphemism for poor behaviour and shitty parenting.

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