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Original poster

Ds birthday ruined by his dad. Feeling so annoyed.

81 replies

roseonrye · 19/12/2021 07:00

My ds has been so excited for his birthday just like most children. I've spent weeks trying to plan him a lovely day and all it's took is one person to ruin it all.

My ds woke up happy yesterday and opened his presents. His dad ( cannot even call him dp as I'm so annoyed) sat watching, happy to begin with. Once presents were open his dad began making comments about the price of things. I told him we will talk about it in private and explained everything was in some sort of sale and I spent around £150 in total. That is an amount we decided on.

Then I invited a friend of ds and their mum over. His dad knew they were coming. He sat looking pissed off the whole time they were there. He cracked the odd joke and thought that was enough. I made a party lunch for them with some cakes, crisps, sandwiches etc.

After they left his dad began moaning that I've let our kids eat too much crap and now they will be hyper all day. ( They we're actually fine and much better behaved than he had been) Also complaining the guest stayed too long and he feels stressed out about the mess everywhere. I explained that ds can keep his presents downstairs on his birthday and tomorrow he will put them in his room. Also complaining he has a headache as the music we used for party games was too lively Confused

To cut a very long story short, he spent the whole day moaning and complaining about something. His excuse was that birthdays can be overwhelming as they disrupt the routine. I snapped back saying that the children haven't been overwhelmed and as a grown man he shouldn't be either.

After ds went to bed last night, I cried. I cried as I was sad for ds who had been looking forward to this day for ages. His birthday was a Saturday so was so excited he had no school and dad would be home.

I cried because I was annoyed at his dad. Really annoyed that after many attempts to tell him he still continued to moan and complain. I haven't listed all of it here as I would be all day, but it was constant.

I don't know how to approach things today. I'm still really annoyed but as the dc are home now I don't have any time to properly discuss this with him.

This would annoy you all too, wouldn't it?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2021 15:46

Narcissists like to ruin holidays like Christmas and birthdays. Its like it posses them of that a day is all about someone or something else. And that people are happy.

Just ditch the miserable sod. Life is too short.

Pinkbonbon · 19/12/2021 15:47

*pisses them off

HMG107 · 19/12/2021 15:48

Sounds autistic to me too.

The autistic people I know who found change of routine difficult are those who feel they have to mask their behaviour, therefore, routine is the only calming thing they have in their life. Consequently, if this is taken away their anxiety goes sky high.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2021 15:52

Many people really do have a poor understanding of autism particularly if this is cited as a reason and or excuse for such poor behaviour.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/12/2021 16:01

Please can we stop with the armchair diagnosis of being 'on the spectrum' or 'being autistic' - neither of which would excuse anyone, man or woman, from being an absolute prick on their child's birthday.

@roseonrye - my advice would be to have a conversation with your other half and put it to him that he has it within his power to make or break this relationship. It is HIS behaviour, HIS words, HIS moods that are making things impossible for you and your child. HE has to decide whether he wants to make it work or you will end it. It's not fair on you or your DS and you don't think it's a good role model for your DS to be exposed to. Your other half has to do something about it or that's it and the test will be on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

You'll have a fair idea after those two days if this is likely to happen again or not.

CactusLemonSpice · 19/12/2021 16:02

Well, he sounds like a grump. Mess and sugary food, hyperactive children and changes to routine can be stressful, but as parents we do need to find ways to cope with that and not ruin the fun for the kids! Otherwise what's the point in celebrating party in the first place?

If it's just the chaos that bothers him, he should plan better to cope with such situations.

It also sounds like he might be sulking as it's not all about him?

He'd have been better off running errands or staying out of the way if he can't be nice on the birthday!

Clymene · 19/12/2021 16:03

Please can you reread the OP and tell me what makes you seize upon autism as an excuse other than he doesn't like a change in routine?

Complaining about the children eating junk? Complaining that the OP spent too much money?

Saving things up to complain about deliberately to ruin the day?

LidlMiddleLover · 19/12/2021 16:03

They are just selfish Mandate vaccines now only way to stop this rubbish

LidlMiddleLover · 19/12/2021 16:05

Sorry ignore that wrong thread

billy1966 · 19/12/2021 16:13

Remember OP, by you staying and accepting this, you will be part of the narrative in your childs head, his memories of all suppose happy occasions which you allowed your husbands selfish to ruin.

You son will NEVER forget this.

You sound like a lovely kind mum, but the truth is your son won't remember primarily your efforts, just that his father ruined another day.

I simply wouldn't tolerate this.

Christmas is coming up.

This is a perfect time to tell h to leave as you have to protect the children from his ways.

I personally believe repeatedly ruining special occasions is emotionally abusive.

He sounds like a Class A selfish, nasty asshole.

I feel so sorry for your children.

Flowers
Original poster
roseonrye · 19/12/2021 16:40

I've spoken with him today. He initially said that it's not his fault he has a lot of stresses at the moment and can't help being moody. I asked him why he's more moody on birthdays/ Christmas and again he said about the change of routine affecting him.

He said he feels like I spend all day entertaining the dc and normal house chores get all left to him. I don't believe that's the case but sometimes jobs like the washing up will get done later as I'm busy. I don't mind doing things later but he doesn't like mess left lying round so feels like he has to do it straight away.

He's spent a long time today playing with ds and his new toys. I suppose that's his way of trying to make it up to him.

Funny enough though he hasn't been moody today as we have our normal routine back.

OP posts:
Genevie82 · 19/12/2021 16:51

Hi OP, miserable men can be very selfish and wearing when your trying to make a lovely time for kids - I felt for you reading that post 💐
Here’s a tip for managing this type of very irritating behaviour from you DP - prepare him about 2 days in advance -do it directly and in a matter of fact way - 1) tell him what you’ve bought and the whole basic timetable for the day so he knows exactly what’s planned and what you want him to do for his bit. He obv struggles with not feeling in control and it puts his back up. Discuss the plan of the day a few days before xmas and he will cope much better and you’ll feel less pissed off!!
DS birthday mood was really selfish and left you having to compensate all day - but don’t tackle him about it until he’s in a good mood and really not expecting it- then really sock it to him and it will resonate more for next time he get the hump on a family occasion.
Xx

SpanielsAreMyLife · 19/12/2021 17:00

Dear God, no wonder men behave so badly when they're given every excuse under the sun for doing so!

I'd have an escape plan for Christmas Day if he starts. And don't arrange your DC's birthdays with him there...... it's not fair on them.

IgneousRock · 19/12/2021 17:03

Well done for having the conversation OP - it's important that he's aware of the issue. It may be that it is partly unintentional, but you need to keep emphasising that is it still unacceptable. Any excuses about chores etc can be countered with a reminder that these really aren't important compared to DC having a lovely birthday.

I agree with @Genevie82 that next time it would be worth anticipating the problem and discussing it in advance. Suggest that he figures out tools to handle the situation, eg if the change to routine is bothering him and he can tell he's getting irritable, he removes himself to his bedroom for a few minutes of peace and returns when he's feeling better.

dapsnotplimsolls · 19/12/2021 17:05

At some point in the next couple of days, sit down with him and discuss Christmas Day, plan it together so he has some input and knows what is likely to happen. If he's an arse on the day, point to his car keys and suggest he goes for a very long drive.

TwilightSkies · 19/12/2021 17:13

Tell him to fuck off during birthdays and Xmas if the change of routine annoys him so much. It’s part of being a parent.
He has no friends……can’t imagine why Hmm

CactusLemonSpice · 19/12/2021 17:24

Personally I struggle with changes to routine, mess, chaos etc as it makes me anxious. So I make sure to take breathers on days like this and take it one step at a time, to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and stress other people out with my own anxiety levels! Many people have issues with these things for many reasons. It's how we act on them that counts!

NowEvenBetter · 19/12/2021 17:54

Has he not apologised to your son? Not sourced help for his choice to ruin kids parties? Didn’t think so. 5 days till his next day to sabotage.

MzHz · 19/12/2021 18:00

How old is your ds @roseonrye?

My ex used to ruin every single birthday or Christmas for anyone

How is he on YOUR birthday?

Thefuturestory · 19/12/2021 18:01

Sod that.

If he totally changing his routine. Separate.

You all tiptoe around him and he sick’s the joy out of life.

Genevie82 · 19/12/2021 18:02

Love @dapsnotplimsolls post - this is the best approach with men like this, lots of preparation. I can guarantee he wouldn’t be in a mood on the day as he will just feel like an tit! Xx

FangsForTheMemory · 19/12/2021 18:26

He sounds as though he objects to not being the centre of attention. I'd tell him to go out for the day on his own, next time there's a birthday.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 18:39

*and normal house chores get all left to him.

And?

He should be doing roughly half anyway, abd if you're occupied hosting a special occasion, what's the problem with him doing the lions share that day??

Ourlady · 19/12/2021 18:40

I'd tell him the next time he does it will be the last time. He then won't have any family around him to irritate him on special days as he will be living on his own.
Your poor little boy.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 18:41

Oh and having no friends (wonder why) doesn't mean he can't go abd go something on the birthday that people can do alone ... library, favourite shop browsing, fishing, hiking, climbing wall, doing a course etc etc etc

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