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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Covid causing relationship problems.

79 replies

MariaSummers · 18/12/2021 16:31

I am really worried about how the last couple of years has affected my relationship with my husband. I wondered if anyone else had found this.

I am much more inclined to be very cautious covid wise and it is causing a lot of conflict. This week my husband has developed cold symptoms including coughing quite a lot in the evenings and at night. He refused to take a day off work for a PCR but did take lateral flows each day which were negative. I persuaded him to take a PCR on his way home from work yesterday and we are still waiting for the results.

My son had a football match this morning and was desperate to play. Previously I have not allowed him to do so if any of us are waiting for results. (I know the rules permit him to play but it seems selfish to me). I was really convinced the results would come through any minute as all our other results have been quick, including one for a close contact the previous day and so made the deal with him that we would head off to his game but not go anywhere near anyone unless we are received the negative result on time. Unfortunately we did not and so he did not play. When I explained what had happened to my husband he was furious. He thinks I am being ridiculous and should not have mentioned it to anyone and just let him play. He has yelled at me and accused me of only being interested in covid and loving the current situation. It couldn't be further from the truth. I hate everything about the way we are living at the moment, not least walking on eggshells trying to appease different people with different views. I have tried to be more relaxed about my personal rules lately as he is struggling quite a lot with his mental health, but I can't abandon my principles entirely. He thinks I am the only one behaving this rigidly so I am just looking for a bit of perspective really. What would others have done in this situation?

OP posts:
TooWicked · 18/12/2021 16:34

What would others have done in this situation?

I’d have let him play football.

HermioneWeasley · 18/12/2021 16:38

You wouldn’t let your son play football because your husband who is persistently negative on LFT is awaiting PCR results?

You are massively unreasonable and your husband has had the patience of a saint of you’ve been like this for 2 years.

Hen2018 · 18/12/2021 16:42

So nobody has Covid (as far as you can reasonably tell) but you stopped your son (no symptoms) from playing football...

oftenbaffled · 18/12/2021 16:43

Unquestionably let him play football

What a shame

And look more carefully at the accuracy of LFTs. It is a lot better than mumsnet will have you think (>97%)

oftenbaffled · 18/12/2021 16:44

fact is

you could have mentioned it to anyone and everyone.

There was NOTHING illegal in him attending

Original poster
MariaSummers · 18/12/2021 16:55

I understand that there was nothing illegal about him playing. But until we get the PCR result we don't know that there isn't covid in the household. My husband has one of the main symptoms. I have a friend who allowed her son to play rugby when they had been covid contacts and he ended up infecting most of team. I just didn't want to do that to people, especially so close to Christmas.

OP posts:
kittenkipper · 18/12/2021 16:59

I'm sorry that you feel so anxious and it's never appropriate really for an adult to give a row to another adult. However, your choice to so completely isolate and restrict your children's lives must be very frustrating for you husband. He , like me, probably believes that children have paid enough of a price already without having to give up their recreational activities unnecessarily.

vdbfamily · 18/12/2021 17:04

I think of lateral flow is negative then everyone should carry on as normal. PCR is just belt and braces and fairly unlikely to be positive. Life needs to go on, especially for children who are at great higher risk of mental health and obesity related illnesses at present. Football should be fine and not as much contact as rugby anyway

DancingintheSpoonlight · 18/12/2021 17:05

I've been similarly cautious and don't blame you.

I don't mean this flippantly, but you do you. Everyone else is. If this how you're comfortable I think its OK. Would feel a bit safer if more people were as cautious as you, but before I get jumped on...I understand why others aren't...

NynaeveSedai · 18/12/2021 17:12

I'd have let him play. Follow the rules but don't make things more restrictive than you need to.

oftenbaffled · 18/12/2021 17:25

@MariaSummers

I understand that there was nothing illegal about him playing. But until we get the PCR result we don't know that there isn't covid in the household. My husband has one of the main symptoms. I have a friend who allowed her son to play rugby when they had been covid contacts and he ended up infecting most of team. I just didn't want to do that to people, especially so close to Christmas.
But what you did do

Is seriously disappoint your son no doubt on his last game of the year. After >2 years of endless gov enforced cancellations

Whereas this wasn't. His mother put her own interpretation on the guidance (a scientist?) and he lost out.

wishymore · 18/12/2021 17:29

I’m sorry but I’m on your husbands side. You behaved ridiculously and you should be ashamed. There is no rule that would say you should stop him playing football. You and your husband are no longer compatible

Momijin · 18/12/2021 17:34

I'd have let him play. I kept one of my children off school because she had symptoms and her close friend had gotten a positive pcr. She was positive. However, the kids have been ill quite a few times and been negative.

He was playing with other kids and covid is rife at school. If you were visiting a vulnerable person then yes, be cautious, but to play a game with no positive covid lft or pcr is silly imo. Your husband is right to be frustrated.

PlainJaneSuperbrainthe2nd · 18/12/2021 17:35

In those circumstances I would have absolutely let my son play OP. I also think your decision was OTT. If your DH had had a positive LFT, or if your son was coughing, then yes - keeping him off would've been sensible. But, in the kindest possible way, I think your DH was right and if my DH was going over and above the rules to that extent I would be angry too. Are you particularly vulnerable? If not it might be worth trying to chill out a bit.

Original poster
MariaSummers · 18/12/2021 17:40

I think what I need to do is get off Mumsnet. There are some seriously unpleasant people on here. For the record, my son is absolutely fine and understands that we sometimes have to make sacrifices for others welfare.

OP posts:
Tiredofbs123 · 18/12/2021 17:41

I think Covid has brought a new level of anxiety to so many people. You are clearly quite anxious about being seen to do the ‘right’ thing. I get that, I worry a lot about the thought of passing it to someone vulnerable or being seen as being lax on the rules and putting people at risk.

I’ve had to take a few deep breaths when it comes to my children though. I feel they’ve already suffered enough at the hands of these never ending cycles of new rules.

I personally would have let him play football even though I know it would have made me nervous. I understand where you were coming from but I think it’s time you brought a bit of balance to the situation.

Tiredofbs123 · 18/12/2021 17:42

@MariaSummers

I think what I need to do is get off Mumsnet. There are some seriously unpleasant people on here. For the record, my son is absolutely fine and understands that we sometimes have to make sacrifices for others welfare.
I’m sure your son understands. He’s probably as socially conscious as his mum, as are my children. But maybe it’s time to let it go a little?
NewbieAlert · 18/12/2021 17:48

I have tried to be more relaxed about my personal rules
This may be the issue. Within current guidance he could have played without issue. I follow the guidance and I would have let him. It’s also a low risk activity, given it’s outside.
Your post makes me wonder what other personal rules you are following.

TooWicked · 18/12/2021 17:50

They’re not your personal rules when you’re forcing your family to follow them.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2021 17:52

I’d have let him play football too
Not every cough is covid

oftenbaffled · 18/12/2021 17:54

@MariaSummers

I think what I need to do is get off Mumsnet. There are some seriously unpleasant people on here. For the record, my son is absolutely fine and understands that we sometimes have to make sacrifices for others welfare.
I suspect the Corona Chat section will miss you
Vapeyvapevape · 18/12/2021 18:00

I’m with your husband, I take it your son has been mixing with other children at school.
Also, having heard other people’s points of view (which you asked for) and flouncing off MN sort of proves your husband’s point.

LowlandsAway · 18/12/2021 18:22

Daily negative lateral flows and you’re being like this? When presumably your son has being going to school? Agree with PP, it’s extremely rigid anxious behaviour, and you’re annoyed because the ‘perspective’ you were really looking for was for people to tell you were right, instead you have 100% proved your husband’s point.

WatieKatie · 18/12/2021 18:22

OP, you posted asking for opinions on your actions, which you have got. You cannot then throw your toys out of the pram because the vast majority of people disagree with you.

Next time don’t ask!

Hen2018 · 18/12/2021 18:23

I’m sorry you have anxiety. I do too.

If your anxiety is making life limited and miserable for your husband and son, it is time to think about contacting your GP.

My children have lost 3 friends to suicide now, 0 to Covid. Of course I’m not suggesting that is going to happen to your son because of a football match but it essential children maintain as busy a social life as they can.

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