Covid causing relationship problems.

[MariaSummers]

I am really worried about how the last couple of years has affected my relationship with my husband. I wondered if anyone else had found this.

I am much more inclined to be very cautious covid wise and it is causing a lot of conflict. This week my husband has developed cold symptoms including coughing quite a lot in the evenings and at night. He refused to take a day off work for a PCR but did take lateral flows each day which were negative. I persuaded him to take a PCR on his way home from work yesterday and we are still waiting for the results.

My son had a football match this morning and was desperate to play. Previously I have not allowed him to do so if any of us are waiting for results. (I know the rules permit him to play but it seems selfish to me). I was really convinced the results would come through any minute as all our other results have been quick, including one for a close contact the previous day and so made the deal with him that we would head off to his game but not go anywhere near anyone unless we are received the negative result on time. Unfortunately we did not and so he did not play. When I explained what had happened to my husband he was furious. He thinks I am being ridiculous and should not have mentioned it to anyone and just let him play. He has yelled at me and accused me of only being interested in covid and loving the current situation. It couldn't be further from the truth. I hate everything about the way we are living at the moment, not least walking on eggshells trying to appease different people with different views. I have tried to be more relaxed about my personal rules lately as he is struggling quite a lot with his mental health, but I can't abandon my principles entirely. He thinks I am the only one behaving this rigidly so I am just looking for a bit of perspective really. What would others have done in this situation?

www.theguardian.com/world/2021/dec/19/households-should-self-isolate-if-one-member-gets-covid-say-sage-advisers

@2022willbebetter

If you're still reading OP, in Scotland your son would not have been allowed to play football as the whole household has to isolate until the negative test results are in.

So your position is not as unreasonable as others are making it out to be.

Covid has been really hard on everyone. But as I have Covid right now I wouldn't wish it upon anyone either, double jabbed and a 'mild' case. Really quite nasty.

In Scotland, others in the household only have to isolate if/when a positive PCR is returned, not before.

He shouldn’t be going to work with covid symptoms and only lateral flow testing. Symptoms = PCR. We’ve had negative LFT and positive PCR so I’m now very cautious. As for the football if it’s outside and he stays away from others I’d say that was ok. I think right now with Christmas coming up you should be considerate to others.

As per test and trace guidance, dd 1&2 and I are daily lfd testing with dh and dd3 isolating with positive pcrs. I am ensuring we only go outside - parks and dog walks - and I minimise my trips to shops and go alone, gel my hands, stay back from people and wear a mask.

I’d have checked with be football coach as our primary asked for siblings not to come in and our secondary said to come so long as lft was negative, so take their guidance rather then inventing your own!

I’ve been following the rules and work in the nhs so I’m on the cautious side of things. That said, Dd1 had covid in October and the rest of us avoided it!

I would understand if your husband had covid. But to make your son miss football which is important for physical and mental health is too much given your husband had not even got a positive lft

Not true @GaolBhoAlba

People in same household as someone who needs a PCR test need to self isolate until that test is negative

www.gov.scot/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-test-and-protect/pages/who-needs-to-self-isolate/

@MariaSummers

I understand that there was nothing illegal about him playing. But until we get the PCR result we don't know that there isn't covid in the household. My husband has one of the main symptoms. I have a friend who allowed her son to play rugby when they had been covid contacts and he ended up infecting most of team. I just didn't want to do that to people, especially so close to Christmas.

Your son is not required to legally isolate, even if your DH is positive. Unless your son has symptoms and then he should get a PCR.

YABU and OTT and yes you are the only one acting like this….. Are none of you going out until you get the results OP….

I may be in the minority here but I am on your side.

My family including my newborn all got Covid because a close contact of someone who was waiting on a PCR attended a function we were at. We were really ill and worried. Thankfully we are on the mend now but I still have barely any sense of smell and can’t smell my newborn baby, which is incredibly sad.

The person who passed it to us had no symptoms and they felt awful about how ill we were, especially as it did become quite scary and we thought we might have to go to hospital. I think you can only do the right thing for you with the best intentions and that’s not unreasonable.

I don’t want to go into another lockdown, I agree life should start getting back to normal but I also believe in being selfless.

How would your son have felt if he had infected anyone in the team?

Your level of over anxiety I couldn't cope with.

If you're so cautious, why didn't you order your DH a PCR by post on day 1 of him coughing and selfishly refusing to go for a test

Your son is effectively being punished for his father's selfishness and his mother's anxiety in going well above requirements (and for an outdoor activity too). That's really unfair, and the two of you need to work out how to make the rest of this pandemic better for him.

@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails

I recall you from another thread
Surely you more than anyone know that sometimes in a marriage - you are so upset and angry that you will shout?

And for me, if I’d had two years of watching my son miss out and then, during a time when he is actually legally allowed to do it, he is stopped from doing doing it, yet again, by my partner putting their own interpretation on guidance… then yes, I do not doubt that I might raise my voice.

Lateral Flow tests aren't suitable for someone symptomatic. If your husband had followed the UK Gov/NHS guidance, he would have had the PCR test at the first opportunity and isolated until the results came in. But even if he chose not to isolate, he should have taken a PCR and not an LF, and you would have had a valid result days ago. If it was negative, the question about your son would not have come up.

That said, if you're in England, anyone under 18.5 years is not required to isolate even if a household member has tested positive. So possibly a reasonable position to say that either or both of you are in the wrong.

Can you not both sit down and come up with a compromise set of guidelines for your household? If your son agreed that he SHOULD sit the game out then I think his decision should be respected, if he's old enough to understand the various issues. And I would extend this to other decisions that mainly involve him and not the whole household.

Also I'd have a talk with your husband (when you're both calm and have time) about the accusations he made - unless he's apologised and said he doesn't mean them, I'd worry it's a sign of some sort of serious miscommunication, misunderstanding, resentment, etc. that shouldn't be ignored.

@QuinceTamarillo

you do NOT need to isolate if a member tests positive and you are full vaccinated

in england

[quote oftenbaffled]@QuinceTamarillo

you do NOT need to isolate if a member tests positive and you are full vaccinated[/quote]
Not sure why you are telling me this? I'm assuming if the OP is driving her son to football and influencing whether he plays or not, he is likely under 18.5, so his vax status is irrelevant. But yes, if he's over 18.5 and full vaxxed, he's also exempt in England.

That said, if you're in England, anyone under 18.5 years is not required to isolate even if a household member has tested positive. So possibly a reasonable position to say that either or both of you are in the wrong.

You said this
inference being that only those under 18.5 (you didn't mention vaccine status)
When in fact it is any age whatsoever if vaccinated. And under 18.5 even if not

I'd have let him play football.

YABU. Yabvu to ask and then flounce citing ‘unpleasantness’ when most people say YABU.

I finally met a friend for lunch a few weeks ago, her DH has extreme anxiety around covid. My friend is a former shell of who she was, living and coping with his anxiety. Think about that.

[quote oftenbaffled]@Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails

I recall you from another thread
Surely you more than anyone know that sometimes in a marriage - you are so upset and angry that you will shout?

And for me, if I’d had two years of watching my son miss out and then, during a time when he is actually legally allowed to do it, he is stopped from doing doing it, yet again, by my partner putting their own interpretation on guidance… then yes, I do not doubt that I might raise my voice.[/quote]
But in this scenario, the husband started the entire thing by refusing to do a PCR or order one by post for a week of being symptomatic.
Op is over anxious, but the DH was the trigger and a selfish prick, to be going into work every day when he knew he was sick.

The only one who should be allowed to shout here is the poor child, feels like maybe he's being controlled by the op as a proxy for the DH who is making bad decisions that are clearly out of her control.

I suspect fact OP hasn’t been back to report PCR result
Means that’s the DH was negative!

I think the issue here, is that you allowed him to travel to the match, then stopped him from playing when you got there. That must have been hard for him. I've kept DS off athletics training tonight, he's negative on LFT, but DD, DH and I are all positive, so whilst he could technically train, I'm not comfortable with that. However, we made the decision this morning, rather than let him get to the track, then make him immediately turn round and come home again.

I don't know whether I would have let him play but I think at the moment we all have to do what we feel comfortable with.

I'm probably overly cautious with these things too because I don't want to risk anything I don't need to. I've also found when I've explained my choices regarding what precautions I've taken there's alot of abuse thrown around.

I'm happy with someone not wanting to be as cautious as me but I'm not as happy being called all sorts and facing ridicule and aggression because my choices are different.

By the way my 74 year mum caught covid after being triple jabbed, from another close family member, who was double jabbed family, we are burying him NYE. So if my choices are too cautious for some to accept I couldn't really give a s**t.

Incidentally it isn't the government scaremongering, blame the media, who are trying to sell papers and content. They have absolutely a ridiculous amount of blame to answer for

@ALittleBitConfused1 but look at it another way. We lost my partners grandparents to covid last summer and I lost a school friend aged38, to covid a couple of months ago. None of them say they would have done anything different as they spent their last months, enjoying day trips, seeing family, attending their hobbies, working etc. The last thing they would have wanted was to spend it isolated and barely living.
My nana and great grandma have the same outlook this Christmas. As long as we're following guidance and regular testing, then that's living.

Well I think the husband could have helped by going for a PCR test earlier in the week rather than refusing then having a go at her