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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Promised dinner

81 replies

Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:11

Im writing for a sense check please, just to know I’m not going insane. My H has this weird thing about being ‘promised’ or ‘owed’ something, in this case dinner. This morning, after breakfast (which I made) DH said ‘Can you make stir fry for dinner’ and I agreed. I was working today and he was on AL but his job is significantly more stressful and longer hours than mine so he expects to be completely ‘off duty’ on AL days.

He went out for lunch. I worked and looked after our toddler. Then I went to collect DS from school. After school, DS mentioned he needed a certain piece of kit for his activity tomorrow morning so we went to go find one. Then my elderly DM called asking for help with something urgent. So after DS’s shopping I went to go help DM. After I was done at hers, I called DH. It turned out our grocery delivery had a very large number of unavailable items (no substitutes) so then I had to stop by the grocery store. I had planned on running a small errand after school which I completed.

In the end, I had anticipated being home around 4 but got home with the DC around 7. I called DH with updates after each activity so he knew what I was doing and how long it would take. So I went straight to putting away groceries, dinner, bed & baths or the DC. Then clean up. When I got home DH was napping and had empty takeaway containers next to him so I assumed he’d gotten hungry, ordered and eaten. So I didn’t start the stir fry.

DH woke up around 8 and was livid that there was no stir fry waiting for him. Apparently I’ve ‘broken a promise’ whenever this happens he gets very subtly nasty, not in a way I could ever explain to anyone. So he will stand in the kitchen and ‘supervise’ me cooking the meal as I obvisouly can’t deliver it without this. He’ll never push me or anything but he’ll keep getting my way, poking me etc. If I say anything, he’ll start getting upset that I’m ‘over sensitive, too serious, no sense of humour’etc. Once he’s got whatever he thinks he’s ‘due’ he’ll stop. It’s mainly food, or stuff for his hobbies, his birthday etc that triggers this behaviour.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so ridiculous. No one who knows us would believe I’d just go along with this, and I know everyone will ask ‘why do you put up with it’ but honestly he makes the atmosphere at home so unbearable if I don’t that it’s easier to just do as he asks and then he goes back to normal. He’ll refuse to acknowledge this ever happens and I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me thinks I should never promise anything but he’ll push and push for agreement.

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 18/12/2021 00:16

He sounds like a horrible bully OP, you've been chasing around all day, he's been sat on his backside and already eaten takeaway but still expects you to cook?

I used to be like you, I would give in for a quiet life. I wish I had been a lot firmer as he thinks he can bully you until be gets what he wants. Tell him to stick his stir fry up his arse, pan and all!

ProudThrilledHappy · 18/12/2021 00:18

Are both his arms broken? If he wants a fucking stir fry after you’ve been running round all day he can get it himself

JaniceBattersby · 18/12/2021 00:18

This man sounds like a lazy, abusive arsehole. Don’t let your son grow up believing this is any way to treat women.

LawnFever · 18/12/2021 00:23

What a lazy arse he is, and greedy too, if there was takeaway containers near him why did he need an extra dinner too?

I’d honestly tell him to piss off and make his own dinner, he should’ve really had yours ready when you got in as he was off!

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 18/12/2021 00:24

Why hadn't he put the groceries away? Why wasn't he either helping with some of the errands or watching/collecting the children so you could get on with them more easily? Why is he greedy and lazy enough to eat takeaway, sleep all evening and then wake up and expect to be fed again after you've been running around again after the children? Who the hell does he think he is? I'd be livid, and to then try and make it about some weird guarantee of a stir fry..... You know a life without him in it would be a quiet/easy life by comparison

Yummypumpkin · 18/12/2021 00:24

What a twat.

Original poster
Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:25

@Mermaidwaves

He sounds like a horrible bully OP, you've been chasing around all day, he's been sat on his backside and already eaten takeaway but still expects you to cook?

I used to be like you, I would give in for a quiet life. I wish I had been a lot firmer as he thinks he can bully you until be gets what he wants. Tell him to stick his stir fry up his arse, pan and all!

But if I do that, he keeps making the atmosphere worse and worse. It’s so subtle and I don’t think he’s even doing it on purpose. So if I said no to making the promised dinner he would remember that I forgot to pay a bill on time once …. So then if would be endless ‘you need to be more organised, why aren’t you more organised, what are you doing to become more organised’, then some other mistake and so on and so on,. If I try not to engage, he’ll just keep remembering other times I’ve disappointed him in some way. Obviously this doesn’t make for a very pleasant evening or weekend. I know I need to tell him to fuck off but how did you start doing that without him going on and on?
OP posts:
Momijin · 18/12/2021 00:26

Woah. I understand someone being disappointed if they're looking forward to something but anyone who loved you would have taken over and made dinner /helped you out rather than waiting for you to do even more stuff.

Original poster
Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:26

@LawnFever

What a lazy arse he is, and greedy too, if there was takeaway containers near him why did he need an extra dinner too?

I’d honestly tell him to piss off and make his own dinner, he should’ve really had yours ready when you got in as he was off!

I asked him this, but I never get an answer. It’s all ‘I’m still hungry, is that a crime’ or ‘but you made me look forward to it so now you have to make it’
OP posts:
Momijin · 18/12/2021 00:27

That is abusive op.

Yummypumpkin · 18/12/2021 00:29

You are trying to take responsibility for his behaviour and seem.now to be suggesting that there is someway you can act that will stop him being a whiny little bully.

There isn't.

MizzFizz · 18/12/2021 00:29

He doesn't sound like he knows how to manage feelings of disappointment and therefore expects you to bend over backwards to ensure he never feels disappointed.

If he were 2, I would say "I can see you're disappointed we didn't have stir fry tonight. I'm sorry it didn't work out as I was also looking forward to it. What can we do instead?" (And likely, growing up, he never had anyone help him learn to cope with those types of feelings, based on his behaviour).

But... He's a grown a$$ man... his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Tell him "I'm sorry you're disappointed but I'm only human. Let me know when you're ready to talk about it."

I hate passive aggressiveness 😑

Buildingthefuture · 18/12/2021 00:29

I’m sorry op, but he sounds like a lazy, manipulative, useless cockend. He’s sat on his arse all day whilst you’ve run around like a loon…then he gets the hump that you haven’t made him his dinner. It’s not 1960, he needs to grow the fuck up and stop behaving like a spoiled kid. Tell him, from now on, when he’s on AL. You expect him to make dinner and (insert whatever you need him to do) if he doesn’t like it, tell him to shut the door on his way out!!

madisonbridges · 18/12/2021 00:30

I'd be breaking something...and it wouldn't be my promise! Cheeky fucker.

Original poster
Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:33

@MizzFizz

He doesn't sound like he knows how to manage feelings of disappointment and therefore expects you to bend over backwards to ensure he never feels disappointed.

If he were 2, I would say "I can see you're disappointed we didn't have stir fry tonight. I'm sorry it didn't work out as I was also looking forward to it. What can we do instead?" (And likely, growing up, he never had anyone help him learn to cope with those types of feelings, based on his behaviour).

But... He's a grown a$$ man... his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Tell him "I'm sorry you're disappointed but I'm only human. Let me know when you're ready to talk about it."

I hate passive aggressiveness 😑

Yes, I think you’ve got it. He often looks to me to ‘manage’ his uncomfortable emotions for him (and he’s really uncomfortable with me having negative emotions like crying). I just thought I was making progress sticking up for myself but I can’t seem to in this scenario
OP posts:
SarahDippity · 18/12/2021 00:39

Who made him king, that his annual leave day means he’s on complete holiday from his family? Of all days, surely he was in prime position to step up and relieve you of domestic obligations which for some bizarre reason seem to fall to you?? My ex used to have academic holidays, so approx 12 weeks per year of non-contact work/annual leave, and he used to pull the ‘complete break’ card on me. What a mistake I made falling in with this, and shouldering ALL the jobs after my own hectic day so he could paddle around in his dressing gown ‘recharging.’ Hmm

MizzFizz · 18/12/2021 00:43

It's tough, you can't make someone change who doesn't want to change, but also I wouldn't want to live with someone who behaved in that way at all. You're a partnership of two adults. You need to decide if you're willing to tolerate this the rest of your life. If not, draw a line. "I'm not ok with this, it's not my responsibility to manage your difficult emotions. I would like us to seek counselling to see if we can make progress on this because I'm not willing to live like this."

Original poster
Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:55

@MizzFizz

It's tough, you can't make someone change who doesn't want to change, but also I wouldn't want to live with someone who behaved in that way at all. You're a partnership of two adults. You need to decide if you're willing to tolerate this the rest of your life. If not, draw a line. "I'm not ok with this, it's not my responsibility to manage your difficult emotions. I would like us to seek counselling to see if we can make progress on this because I'm not willing to live like this."
Thank you MizzFizz, I’m getting some counselling on my own but I just can’t seem to summon the strength to get him to joint counselling. This is sort of the problem. Getting DH to change his mind on anything needs such force of will, but I’m tired and I don’t want constant fights so I back down but I know it’s making him more entrenched in the long run, so it feels like an endless cycle
OP posts:
supercali77 · 18/12/2021 06:51

Jesus. I'd be tempted to have him agree to something on a stressful work day and demonstrate exactly the same behaviour. Poking and claiming he has no sense of humour. The whole lot.

Besides that, I know stuff like this can creep up on a person, maybe its jokey the first few times, or maybe you just did things without a second thought but now its landed here. Its not ok. I reckon in a moment when you don't have an agreement I'd be bringing up the fact that whatever he thinks about it you find it unacceptable. That you will not agree to things again if you are held to it rigidly irrespective of how your day turns out. Youre not a bloody robot.

Dustyblue · 18/12/2021 07:03

Far out OP, that's awful.

He could've ordered takeaway for BOTH of you whilst you were running around doing chores. For starters.

I feel bad for you. Please think of yourself a bit more, that isn't fair.

pumpkinpie01 · 18/12/2021 07:13

This is wrong on so many levels - firstly the expectation that after all that dashing around that you would immediately get in and tend to him , secondly his thoughtlessness - not ordering you a takeaway too. He probably wasn't hungry still at all just wanted to manipulate you . You must stand up to him , nothing will change if you don't ,apart from the fact you will get more frustrated and worn down by his emotional abuse.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2021 07:16

He sounds exhausting to live with
It’s not your job to manage his emotional life for him or make sure he’s never ever disappointed. He sounds emotionally abusive

TheSandgroper · 18/12/2021 07:24

Holy shit. After 8 pm, expecting you to start cooking for him when he has fed himself already, intimidating you, poking you?

@Ryderweneedyou he is fucking awful. He’s just horrible. Jesus, he’d need to be good in bed to make me put up with that. Any more words just fail me.

TheSandgroper · 18/12/2021 07:25

And joint counselling? Don’t waste your time. Sort yourself out and come to the decision everyone on here is thinking for you.

nachocheese · 18/12/2021 07:49

It’s so subtle and I don’t think he’s even doing it on purpose.

I would bet my last £1 that he absolutely is doing this on purpose. It's designed to just grind you down so you just comply because it's easier. He is a horrible abusive man who knows exactly what he's doing and is choosing to do it.