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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Promised dinner

81 replies

Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:11

Im writing for a sense check please, just to know I’m not going insane. My H has this weird thing about being ‘promised’ or ‘owed’ something, in this case dinner. This morning, after breakfast (which I made) DH said ‘Can you make stir fry for dinner’ and I agreed. I was working today and he was on AL but his job is significantly more stressful and longer hours than mine so he expects to be completely ‘off duty’ on AL days.

He went out for lunch. I worked and looked after our toddler. Then I went to collect DS from school. After school, DS mentioned he needed a certain piece of kit for his activity tomorrow morning so we went to go find one. Then my elderly DM called asking for help with something urgent. So after DS’s shopping I went to go help DM. After I was done at hers, I called DH. It turned out our grocery delivery had a very large number of unavailable items (no substitutes) so then I had to stop by the grocery store. I had planned on running a small errand after school which I completed.

In the end, I had anticipated being home around 4 but got home with the DC around 7. I called DH with updates after each activity so he knew what I was doing and how long it would take. So I went straight to putting away groceries, dinner, bed & baths or the DC. Then clean up. When I got home DH was napping and had empty takeaway containers next to him so I assumed he’d gotten hungry, ordered and eaten. So I didn’t start the stir fry.

DH woke up around 8 and was livid that there was no stir fry waiting for him. Apparently I’ve ‘broken a promise’ whenever this happens he gets very subtly nasty, not in a way I could ever explain to anyone. So he will stand in the kitchen and ‘supervise’ me cooking the meal as I obvisouly can’t deliver it without this. He’ll never push me or anything but he’ll keep getting my way, poking me etc. If I say anything, he’ll start getting upset that I’m ‘over sensitive, too serious, no sense of humour’etc. Once he’s got whatever he thinks he’s ‘due’ he’ll stop. It’s mainly food, or stuff for his hobbies, his birthday etc that triggers this behaviour.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so ridiculous. No one who knows us would believe I’d just go along with this, and I know everyone will ask ‘why do you put up with it’ but honestly he makes the atmosphere at home so unbearable if I don’t that it’s easier to just do as he asks and then he goes back to normal. He’ll refuse to acknowledge this ever happens and I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me thinks I should never promise anything but he’ll push and push for agreement.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 18/12/2021 08:16

You don’t have a husband, you have an extra child

ElectraBlue · 18/12/2021 08:16

''I called DH with updates after each activity so he knew what I was doing and how long it would take. ''

Why? you are a grown-up and should not have to report your every move like this. This man sounds like a controlling bully.

The rest of his behaviour is also unacceptable. This man is destroying your confidence.

Do you have a friend or family member you can confide in for support?

Because you really need to see that what is happening is wrong. You need to either confront him and tell him you won't put up with this behaviour anymore or if you are frightened to speak your mind it might be time to accept that you need to get out of this relationship.

CelebrateAndDreamofNewYear · 18/12/2021 08:23

Seriously...why are you still married?? Get the hell out of this awful relationship, and show your DC that nobody has to put up with being badly treated!!

Honeyroar · 18/12/2021 08:34

Do you never think about leaving him?

seven201 · 18/12/2021 08:40

This is upsetting to read. I'm glad you are having counselling and I hope it brings you the strength to either leave him or he joins the counselling with you and changes his manipulative behaviour. You don't deserve to be treated like something on the bottom of his shoe. Vile man.

historygeek · 18/12/2021 08:44

No one in a healthy relationship says the words he doesn't push me or anything, but... because not pushing is a given.
Making you walk on eggshells is abuse. Poking you is abuse. Making you uncomfortable in your own home is abuse.
It doesn't matter how nice he is the rest of the time. You can't live like this.

babbi · 18/12/2021 08:52

@TheSandgroper

And joint counselling? Don’t waste your time. Sort yourself out and come to the decision everyone on here is thinking for you.

Agreed 100 % - with bells on - joint counselling is never recommended with an abuser . OP you really need to end this .. this man is showing all signs of a classic abuser . You must leave trust me he will never change

Mermaidwaves · 18/12/2021 09:17

@Ryderweneedyou

I promise you he is doing this on purpose, he's an abusive bully and probably gets off on this behaviour. Me and exH are separated now and I was never able to stop him acting like that, he would have carried on with that forever.

threebillboards · 18/12/2021 09:24

Fuck me, if I had to play hideous mind games with my partner like this on a regular basis, I'd be looking for a way out. He is an abusive arsehole who is manipulating you and your happiness (or lack of it).

LannieDuck · 18/12/2021 09:26

Have you ever had a completely off-duty AL day? (That's a bit rhetorical, I can guess the answer...)

TheWeeDonkey · 18/12/2021 09:29

Okay I spotted 10 red flags before the argument started. He has been slowly training you into subordination and not by accident, but he's very sly so I'm not surprised you've ended up in this position. Don't feel bad about it but do recognise it and plan how you are going to deal with it. Councelling is a good idea but by yourself not together, his manipulation would make councelling worse for you.

His behaviour is manipulative and abusive, none of it is normal and you don't have to accept it. Good luck with however you move forward from this.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/12/2021 09:32

It's not you, it's him. I'm sorry to say it, but you are in an abusive relationship.

You can't 'win' or change him. I hope you'll leave him.

It's not up to you to manage his emotions - or surpress your perfectly reasonable (negative) reactions because he's "uncomfortable".

MyOtherProfile · 18/12/2021 09:33

Firstly whenever he asks for anything in future say "we'll see".

Secondly tell him you have a lot of stresses too and he doesn't get to use AL as a slob about day when you're spending all your days running around like a blue arsed fly.

Seriously time for boundaries. He's a bully.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/12/2021 09:34

The example this is setting for your son is horrendous. Divorce this horrible, abusive, twat of a man.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 09:36

@TheWeeDonkey

His behaviour is manipulative and abusive, none of it is normal and you don't have to accept it. Good luck with however you move forward from this.

This

As some PP say, it's probably true he didn't learned to manage his emotions as a kid - but his behaviour is going well beyond that - it's deliberately cruel and manipulative. It's also completely unreasonable - if you are a parent, you don't get to be completely off duty on your days off - you still have to parent. If you were looking after your child, he should absolutely be cooking.

Your counsellor should be able to help you with techniques to block him - which will include walking away. If they can't help, I'd get someone who can.

But honestly OP you aren't going to change this man. Till you decide what to do long term, please don't have another child with him. The worry about emotional abusers like this is they weaken and lock in their partners until they don't have the strength to leave.

perplexedandvexed · 18/12/2021 09:37

Reading that gave me the chills OP. It's horrid.
In those circumstances my OH would have had tea made ready for when I got in, and whatever else needed doing.

You're meant to be a team.

Stop allowing this to continue. Take charge. It will never ever change unless you do. Is this how you see the rest of your future?
Let him sulk, let him tantrum. You are NOT there to pander to him. He sounds like an entitled little fuck and I'm sorry, I know it's easy to say from the outside, but I can't understand what you find remotely appealing about continuing a life with him.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/12/2021 09:38

He is a disgusting bully and he is abusing you.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/12/2021 09:40

Let him make the atmosphere horrible. Who cares. Oh, and he knows exactly what he's doing. Nothing to do with not being able to control emotions.

sparklefarts · 18/12/2021 09:41

Christ on a bike. Fuck that shit.

CurryandSnuggle · 18/12/2021 09:42

Gosh that sounds awful, you were so busy and he didn’t even cook or order food for both of you! I don’t think he’s abusive but I think he’s a child!! Also you’re supposed to be a partnership, even on AL days. I take AL when DS is in school if I want a day to myself, but I still pick up my share of the household responsibilities in the evening!

I hope he washed up after.

Do you ever get time for yourself?! If not, I suggest you prioritise that, you deserve it xx

mumsie8 · 18/12/2021 09:43

My god, read back your post OP. Your H is manipulative and abusive.
The phoning him to let him know your status constantly, the poking, the inability to 'cope' with your emotions, the incessant digs and words till he gets his own way, the fact that his time is entirely his own and it would seem, yours is too.
You shouldn't and don't have to live like this.
I think this post, for you, is a slow, dawning realisation that your H is not as D as you would like. Don't lose that. The way you feel is valid and real. Your H is a nasty piece of work. Take care.

AuntieDolly · 18/12/2021 09:44

So he had a day off, lunch out, a takeaway and a nap while you worked, did childcare, shopped, helped your mother, put the children to bed and unpacked the shopping? Then got arsey because his dinner wasn't ready? And you wonder if you are the unreasonable one? Jesus!

awesomekilick · 18/12/2021 09:49

Omg what have I just read?? Yet another sad saga of an entitled lazy bullying man being danced around if not actually pandered to by a competent hardworking self-sacrificing woman.

OP. Get some perspective. He is meant to be your PARTNER in life. Not another fucking problem for you to deal with.

Hadalifeonce · 18/12/2021 09:52

this isn't boasting OP, but this is what a partnership looks like.
I had a bad night's sleep on Thursday night, but needed to go shopping as both children are coming home this weekend, I went early and with a couple of additional errands, I was out for about 2 hours.

When I arrived back DH (WFH) met me at the door, took the bags from me and we both unpacked the shopping. He made me a cup of tea, and asked if I had thought about lunch, I hadn't so he said he would do it, and he did.

That's what happens in most of the marriages I know. Your DH is not a child, if he works, he must know how to adult. He should behave like one at home.

Pretend he's a toddler, if he has a tantrum, ignore him and walk away.
Unlike a toddler, you don't even need to make sure he is safe.

Newmum29 · 18/12/2021 09:54

This made me really upset. Please do not put up with this a minute longer. You deserve a lot more.

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