Promised dinner

[Ryderweneedyou]

Im writing for a sense check please, just to know I’m not going insane. My H has this weird thing about being ‘promised’ or ‘owed’ something, in this case dinner. This morning, after breakfast (which I made) DH said ‘Can you make stir fry for dinner’ and I agreed. I was working today and he was on AL but his job is significantly more stressful and longer hours than mine so he expects to be completely ‘off duty’ on AL days.

He went out for lunch. I worked and looked after our toddler. Then I went to collect DS from school. After school, DS mentioned he needed a certain piece of kit for his activity tomorrow morning so we went to go find one. Then my elderly DM called asking for help with something urgent. So after DS’s shopping I went to go help DM. After I was done at hers, I called DH. It turned out our grocery delivery had a very large number of unavailable items (no substitutes) so then I had to stop by the grocery store. I had planned on running a small errand after school which I completed.

In the end, I had anticipated being home around 4 but got home with the DC around 7. I called DH with updates after each activity so he knew what I was doing and how long it would take. So I went straight to putting away groceries, dinner, bed & baths or the DC. Then clean up. When I got home DH was napping and had empty takeaway containers next to him so I assumed he’d gotten hungry, ordered and eaten. So I didn’t start the stir fry.

DH woke up around 8 and was livid that there was no stir fry waiting for him. Apparently I’ve ‘broken a promise’ whenever this happens he gets very subtly nasty, not in a way I could ever explain to anyone. So he will stand in the kitchen and ‘supervise’ me cooking the meal as I obvisouly can’t deliver it without this. He’ll never push me or anything but he’ll keep getting my way, poking me etc. If I say anything, he’ll start getting upset that I’m ‘over sensitive, too serious, no sense of humour’etc. Once he’s got whatever he thinks he’s ‘due’ he’ll stop. It’s mainly food, or stuff for his hobbies, his birthday etc that triggers this behaviour.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so ridiculous. No one who knows us would believe I’d just go along with this, and I know everyone will ask ‘why do you put up with it’ but honestly he makes the atmosphere at home so unbearable if I don’t that it’s easier to just do as he asks and then he goes back to normal. He’ll refuse to acknowledge this ever happens and I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me thinks I should never promise anything but he’ll push and push for agreement.

Don't do joint counselling with an abuser.

It doesn't matter if you think your h isn't acting like this deliberately; it's still having a terrible effect on you and it IS abusive behaviour.

Can you talk to your counsellor about it, see what they advise?

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Why are you attracted to him? May be he is a millionaire or a stud in bed, I cannot think of a third reason why youd want a bully, incapable, ungrateful, pathetic lazy arse like your H

He's being abusive. It's not nice. My husband would never do that.

No one who knows us would believe I’d just go along with this,
Abuse can happen to the strongest, most intelligent, practical & sensible women OP.
There is no shame for you in owning it - you've done well to spot the pattern & come here to try & make more sense of it.

and I know everyone will ask ‘why do you put up with it’ but honestly he makes the atmosphere at home so unbearable if I don’t that it’s easier to just do as he asks and then he goes back to normal.
Reaching out here is such a good step OP.
And you must take things at your own pace.
BUT ... how does it feel if, instead of accepting that you have to put up with his snide & subtle bullying, or else he makes the home atmosphere unbearable - you imagine living in a home without an atmosphere? because you have removed him from your daily life & set up on your own with DC?
How does that feel?
Spend some time visualising it. It's a step in the right direction.

You don't have to live like this ... but take your own time. It's enough now to start working on the concept that you are not at fault, & your DH is deliberately & coldly goading you into feeling uncomfortable & wrong-footed in your own home

Thank you MizzFizz, I’m getting some counselling on my own but I just can’t seem to summon the strength to get him to joint counselling. This is sort of the problem. Getting DH to change his mind on anything needs such force of will, but I’m tired and I don’t want constant fights so I back down but I know it’s making him more entrenched in the long run, so it feels like an endless cycle

Well done OP - you carry on with the counselling, but please - PLEASE - abandon the wish to make him join you in couples counselling.
Experts strongly recommend that women NEVER have couples counselling with their abuser. He will not have honest intentions, he will manipulate the therapist & weaponise the process to his own ends.

Look at how he weaponised a simple stir fry. You know damn well it had nothing to do with his dinner needs. He just wanted an excuse to berate & undermine you, (What a shit.)

He also has you believing that all the grunt work belongs to you.,
Reread what you wrote about your busy day. You worked, you ran around everyone else, but HE expects to be completely off duty on AL days.

How come that privilege doesn't extend to you - his wife & co-parent?
Please keep working on that question, & many others, in therapy. I am so glad you have some real life support, please embrace it.

He’s abusive. You must be exhausted. What does your counsellor say when you tell her about his behaviour? Are you in counselling because of his poor treatment of you? X