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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Promised dinner

81 replies

Ryderweneedyou · 18/12/2021 00:11

Im writing for a sense check please, just to know I’m not going insane. My H has this weird thing about being ‘promised’ or ‘owed’ something, in this case dinner. This morning, after breakfast (which I made) DH said ‘Can you make stir fry for dinner’ and I agreed. I was working today and he was on AL but his job is significantly more stressful and longer hours than mine so he expects to be completely ‘off duty’ on AL days.

He went out for lunch. I worked and looked after our toddler. Then I went to collect DS from school. After school, DS mentioned he needed a certain piece of kit for his activity tomorrow morning so we went to go find one. Then my elderly DM called asking for help with something urgent. So after DS’s shopping I went to go help DM. After I was done at hers, I called DH. It turned out our grocery delivery had a very large number of unavailable items (no substitutes) so then I had to stop by the grocery store. I had planned on running a small errand after school which I completed.

In the end, I had anticipated being home around 4 but got home with the DC around 7. I called DH with updates after each activity so he knew what I was doing and how long it would take. So I went straight to putting away groceries, dinner, bed & baths or the DC. Then clean up. When I got home DH was napping and had empty takeaway containers next to him so I assumed he’d gotten hungry, ordered and eaten. So I didn’t start the stir fry.

DH woke up around 8 and was livid that there was no stir fry waiting for him. Apparently I’ve ‘broken a promise’ whenever this happens he gets very subtly nasty, not in a way I could ever explain to anyone. So he will stand in the kitchen and ‘supervise’ me cooking the meal as I obvisouly can’t deliver it without this. He’ll never push me or anything but he’ll keep getting my way, poking me etc. If I say anything, he’ll start getting upset that I’m ‘over sensitive, too serious, no sense of humour’etc. Once he’s got whatever he thinks he’s ‘due’ he’ll stop. It’s mainly food, or stuff for his hobbies, his birthday etc that triggers this behaviour.

I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so ridiculous. No one who knows us would believe I’d just go along with this, and I know everyone will ask ‘why do you put up with it’ but honestly he makes the atmosphere at home so unbearable if I don’t that it’s easier to just do as he asks and then he goes back to normal. He’ll refuse to acknowledge this ever happens and I honestly don’t know what to think. Part of me thinks I should never promise anything but he’ll push and push for agreement.

OP posts:

CurryandSnuggle · 18/12/2021 09:56

@Hadalifeonce that’s how my marriage works too. We’re a team in everything. Similarly if DH has had a stressful day and I’ve had an easy one, I will cook tea and even do the washing up so he can relax. He’d do the same for me. It’s about give and take!

BunnyBlanket · 18/12/2021 09:57

My god. I am lost for words. Leave him. Now.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 18/12/2021 09:59

Wonder if A & E have ever removed a wok from up a man's bum before?
What a twat op. Maybe a solicitor would be as useful as a therapist right now?

Snoken · 18/12/2021 10:01

@Ryderweneedyou Does he do anything for you at all? Would ypur life be easier or harder without him? He sounds lile a hostile, grumpy and entitled teenager. Please don’t be afraid to rock the boat, it needs rocking.

LiterallyKnowsBest · 18/12/2021 10:05

This is someone you’ve chosen to share your life with, OP?

Think about that.

What choice would you make now, knowing what you know about him?

lesenfantsdelesperance · 18/12/2021 10:16

This was really upsetting to read, so being in the situation must be awful but the thing that really struck me is that you seem to know that this is not ok and fear that nobody would believe you. How do you get out of the mindset that nobody would believe you? I like the short term response of committing to nothing, but long term you have to get past the idea that nobody would believe you or indeed that this matters. It's really great that you are having therapy but you say that this is not something that you would do with him. Is that because you don't think he would ever recognise the problem or because he can't change or just wouldn't want to? He has to change, or you have to split up I think.

Greydogs123 · 18/12/2021 10:16

Don’t outright agree to a single thing. If he asks for something just say maybe or “I’ll do it if …” - record yourself saying this and if he brings it up as a “promise” then play it back. Tell home you will no longer be held hostage to simple agreements about dinner and if he can’t change and become a grown up then you need to think about leaving because this is no way to live.

Shedmistress · 18/12/2021 10:19

How about making him a promise to divorce him?

Honestly he did fuck all all day, is this really what you wanted for yourself?

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 18/12/2021 10:27

He is doing it on purpose.

RuinedReindeer · 18/12/2021 10:43

Fuck that for a bunch of monkeys.

The way he’s treating you isn’t acceptable in any way shape or form.

Honestly I’d Get your ducks in a row & leave op (or ask him too).

What a nasty bully

Tomatalillo · 18/12/2021 10:52

WTF? This is awful. It’s no wonder you are ground down OP. It’s so upsetting to read. Please try to find the strength to leave him. He doesn’t want to change.. and why would he when he gets his way and doesn’t care how he gets it. Please leave and have a better life without him

Dacquoise · 18/12/2021 10:56

This sounds like he has serious unresolved issues about being let down which he needs therapy for. His behaviour is totally unacceptable towards you. It's his issue not yours. Do you want to continue in this relationship? Would it escalate to violence if you just said no to his demands?

ChristmasFluff · 18/12/2021 11:05

My goodness, he is vile!

Spare yourself and your children. Get divorced. Your life will be so much better without that utter waste of skin dragging you down. You will not believe the freedom of not being controlled by his moods and nastiness.

Life is too short to tolerate this, and unless you demonstrate that to your children, they will grow up thinking this is normal. Don't wait to see if he wil change - he won't.

My father never left my mother. I hoped he would every day.

FFSFFSFFS · 18/12/2021 11:09

Well. He is doing it on purpose. It’s abuse op plain and simple. You can’t do anything to change it
No matter how hard you try.

Why would you stay?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 18/12/2021 11:12

I hope you realise that he'll never change.

Yet another marriage on here that needs a divorce.
No other way out of his gaslighting and bullying.

Itsmeandhim · 18/12/2021 11:14

LTB asap.

CrackersDontMatter · 18/12/2021 11:20

OP this is horrible to read. My first marriage was a bit like that.

He is your partner, you should be a team. If all that had gone on here, it would have gone like this -

I would have walked straight in to a hot cup of tea or a glass of wine.
DH would have taken over with the kids - leaving me to have my drink in peace
He would have cooked the food or ordered a takeaway for us BOTH.

OR -He would have taken half of the errands and done them himself to share the load and get us all home sooner the one of us would sort the kids while the other cooked. He cares for me and takes care of me, and vice versa. that's how it should be.

I'm not preaching or gloating but in my first marriage my husband was the centre of the fucking universe and I existed to facilitate his life. I couldn't see it for what it was. I loved him and was happy to do it but I got fuck all back. He didn't care for me, love me or even respect me and it chipped away and chipped away at me until he finally fucked off with someone else leaving me devastated and a shell of the person I was before we met. Please don't let him treat you this way OP

FinallyHere · 18/12/2021 11:47

how did you start doing that without him going on and on?

Honestly? You can't but what you can do is tune him out, so that 'going on and on' no longer gets him what he wants.

He very much knows what he is doing.

While it works for him, he won't stop doing it. This isn't about a stir fry, though, isn't it? It's about the way the household and childcare burden is split across the two of you. You have bought into his big, important job meaning he is let off all chores, well, any he doesn't want to do.

This must sound awfully hard coming from a stranger but sometimes a stranger can see more clearly what is going on here.

He has his life the way he wants it and is not concerned about the unfairness of the division of chores. He is prepared to make things uncomfortable for you, in order to maintain his status quo.

Joint counselling is the last thing you want in this kind of situation. I know it is difficult to get your head around but his behaviour counts as abuse. Don't try joint counselling with someone whose behaviour is abusive.

You do have some power, in spite of what he has been trying to do to grind you down. It is absolutely up to you to decide how you want to live.

What are your options here ?

On the surface, you can refuse to promise to do anything beyond 'we will see'.

Your counselling will help you devise strategies to survive. What you cannot do is change his behaviour, no matter how you try to propitiate him, sadly it just won't work.

Are you prepared to live like that while your DC are growing up ? What other options do you have, now and in the future?

It's very hard to accept in your own mind that there isn't just something you should do differently, so that he treats you decently
His behaviour is entirely his responsibility.

It's so hard. This could be that moment when you touch the bottom and start the plan to get your own life back. It won't be easy but it really is very simple. You can start now. All the very best.

AsymQuestion · 18/12/2021 11:55

He sounds like a teenage boy or even younger, who never learnt to process emotions or normal responses to when things go 'wrong' for him. He sounds like a massive arsehole bully of a grown man, too.

Your rightful disgust will only grow with regard to this if he doesn't get help, agree to counselling. It's not you, it is very much him.

poetryandwine · 18/12/2021 12:13

OP, I can only echo much of what is written above. This is so wrong both on a practical level and for the lack of respect your H is showing you and you deserve better.

If you wish to continue this marriage even briefly I have one practical suggestion, in case he is genuinely being thick. You’ve said you kept him updated, but you’ve not mentioned explicitly telling him that because of your extra tasks he will need to step up, and how. Of course a proper adult wouldn’t need to be told but you know from his attitude towards AL days that he does. If the consequences of stating your needs in the present case would have been awful you are far too good for him.

CityCommuter · 18/12/2021 12:16

@Ryderweneedyou sorry to be harsh but wtf is wrong with you for putting up with his controlling and domineering behaviour? He's not only damaged your confidence but what kind of example do you think it sets for your children from both of you? Don't say they don't see or hear his behaviour because children are very good at 'absorbing' atmospheres and feelings... as far as they're concerned it's ok for their mother to be treated like shit as she puts up with it and does what she's told and it's ok for their father to act like a fucking asshole who has no respect for their mother... it's NOT ok on any level and you know this deep down...

Would you like your DD to be treated like this by her partner when she's an adult or your DS to treat his partner like this as after all that's what they'll have seen and it's learned behaviour - people aren't born to be cruel, they become it over time...

Could you have ever seen yourself putting up with this treatment 10 years ago or would you have advised someone to end a relationship like that? The more you stay silent and tolerate this situation of pandering to him then the more normalised his behaviour becomes to the point where you wouldn't even notice when it escalates as it will be subtly done... He's an abuser and nothing else and he's subjecting you to intolerable mental cruelty...

GrimDamnFanjo · 18/12/2021 12:19

I don't like the way you are constantly updating him as to what you are doing.

MargotMoon · 18/12/2021 12:24

Did his parents always give him what he wanted? Sounds like he's used to getting his own way and can't cope with the world not being about him and his needs. Classic 'little Prince' behaviour?

Either way, I'd be having a serious talk with him and say unless he can start communicating with you respectfully you will take steps to separate

thetinsoldier · 18/12/2021 12:39

Oh, op. He's a lazy abusive arse. He was lying around all day while you were running around doing everything?? He had time for a nap and a takeaway?

Are his arms broken that he can't cook for you? When do you get days off like he does?

He's a nasty bully and I'd tell him that.

poetryandwine · 18/12/2021 12:40

OP,

For avoidance of doubt, I like everyone else here already think you are far too good for this guy. But it seems possible you might have a hard time with that. Hopefully you can see that if you were reluctant to ask him for help in the midst of all you describe something is very wrong, and it isn’t you.

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