What would you say to your former self who was in an abusive relationship if you were looking from the outside in?

[Lookingoutfromin]

Inspired from a thread I saw a while ago.. I was in a very abusive relationship, my ex was unlike anyone else I've ever encountered. Subsequently banned from my life in every way possible.
However, one thing I wish i could've told myself was not to be afraid to be alone. One thing I had was financial independence from my ex as I had a good job which he vehemently tried to get me to resign from after maternity leave. I squirreled away every penny I could in secret to get a runaway fund in the last 6 months of our relationship.
But it took me 5 years to get to that point.
In 5 years I took all manner of abuse from him because I was scared to be alone and not have anything and wanted our daughter to have her father and mother together.
I wish I could've looked in from my relationship from the outside and told myself then not to be scared to be alone.
I'm almost 2 years away from him and I'm raising our daughter alone and I couldn't be happier.

I think poshpyjamas advice to me is more, don't use your inability to leave, as an additional stick to beat yourself with.
But telling someone to wait until they're ready, could leave someone waiting for the right time forever. There's never really a right time, you just need to get out ASAP.

[quote Reearry]@layladomino thank you for the kind words. It is hard not to look back and curse yourself for suffering and wasting away a decade in the prime of your life. But I tell myself now that all the energy, time and effort I put into the relationship trying in vain to understand, empathise, change, just try and try try ...I will now put that into getting out of this relationship and building myself up. I have reached out for help IRL and hope that in the coming months I am able to be finally free and move on[/quote]
Omg i so know.

He is not a victim.
He knows what he’s doing.
He can help it.
He’s not got mental health problems, he’s just a cunt.

This is a reminder I wrote myself the other day.

@Reearry Best of luck, you deserve a happy comfortable life.

@Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco

I would tell myself to look at his actions, and not his words.

This with bells on - ignore words they mean nothing

Unless of course they are abusive words - then of course they are abuse!!

thank you for the kind words. It is hard not to look back and curse yourself for suffering and wasting away a decade in the prime of your life. But I tell myself now that all the energy, time and effort I put into the relationship trying in vain to understand, empathise, change, just try and try try ...I will now put that into getting out of this relationship and building myself up. I have reached out for help IRL and hope that in the coming months I am able to be finally free and move on

@Reearry Those are really strong words, and I can sense your determination, and I don't doubt you're going to do it. You are so right - you will emerge from this stronger than ever. The future is bright for you.

This is a great thread. I wish I'd had it 3 years ago. Honestly I think I could only make sense of my situation, and heal from it, once I was out - it was impossible to really see what was happening to me when I was so saturated with stress all the time. No physical or sexual violence, but emotional abuse and coercion which ground me into dust.

So: I wish my friends had been honest about what they thought of him. Turns out loads of them thought he was a prick, even though his public persona was Mr Amazing, What A Great Guy. But everyone kept their thoughts quiet; which made me think that I must be as broken and needy as he told me I was. I wish someone had told me that the reason I couldn't see a life without him, even though I was so unhappy, was because I was so unhappy. I wish someone had told me how much I had changed in time I'd been with him - smaller, more anxious, constantly ill, apologetic; when I used to be outgoing, bold, cheerful. Like someone says earlier, I wish someone could have said, look, he's just a man, nothing special.

I am so much happier now in way that feels like a warm bath. Incredible to be in your own home with no fear of being yelled at, told that everything is always your fault, only being judged by the cat. Amazing to have people in my life who love me and think I'm great when he made me feel like a broken appliance. I wish someone could have made it clear to me that, if I left, my life would actually be better.

@Disengagingraging

If you leave before you're ready, you'll end up going back.. Time and time again.

This. There are many barriers to leaving and staying away. Practical and emotional. For women with little support life after can actually seem to get worse before it gets better. It takes absolute certainty in your own decision, and often mental and practical preparation to break through the barriers. Women need to know that they haven't failed and they're not weak if they don't succeed first time or if they defer the decision until they are ready.

I would tell myself it’s not your responsibility to fix anyone and to listen to that inner feeling that something isn’t right.

You won't be jumping from the frying pan in to the fire. how could you be, how could anything be worse than this? whatever poverty lies ahead, you'll survive and that will be better than this because you'll be safe.

"Trust your gut feeling, your body. This intense reaction you're feeling around him is not love or attraction, it's your body telling you to get away".

Strangely enough he told me something similar at some point. "Trust your body- it's telling you I'm not good for you".

@Soopermum1

When you leave him, and take some time to heal, a much better man will come along and you'll be the person you always should have been.

Exactly this.

@marilousiseverywhere, I also wish others round me had been more vocal in their opinion of my emotionally abusive exH. There were clues, he had a lot of enemies at one of his sports clubs and didn't have any friends at work despite being there forever. I was completely brainwashed by him into believing I was the problem not him.

However, he had managed to charm my family which, tbh wasn't difficult as I was/am the family scapegoat, and some of my friends. My best friend only commented on his arrogance years after we had divorced. It would have made all the difference to have had some validation about what I was thinking and feeling. I felt guilty and unsure until I couldn't stand it and HAD to leave for my mental health.

To answer the question I would have said to myself ignore all his supporters, trust your feelings, get into therapy sooner and LTB!

I'd tell myself to grow a pair and not show weakness. To have divorced the fuck out of him when he was emotionally abusive to our young children. I would have told myself not to waste any more time with him as like could only have got better, as it did eventually.

I'd tell myself that I matter too.

Years of giving everything to someone and having to ask can you please treat me like a human being, and having a million excuses as to why he was justified in treating me badly. He'd always say you have to understand how my mind works.... then one day I woke up and was like what about how my mind works or what I want.

When in the break up process is tell myself wait until he proves himself before believing he's changed (he obviously never did) and stick to what you asked for even if you are just literally repeating yourself and saying nothing else (this helped me as it made me focus on how basic what I asked was for and could see clearly the lengths he'd go to to to make a point that he'd never change).

Although whether I'd have listened at the time is anyone's guess.

Document everything and take photos when possible so he can’t gaslight you and pretend he never abused you physically or treat you the way he did. Be more financially savvy and make sure you know your legal rights so he can’t swindle you out of the house you inherited, in fact, don’t let him force you to love out of your house by being abusive to you and take him to court for a reasonable amount of child maintenance.
There is so much I wish I had done differently, if I had only known back then.

*move out, not love

I'd tell myself not to give in to emotional blackmail, he will not kill himself if you leave, even if he swears he will. I'd tell myself not to sacrifice my own happiness because I felt sorry for him.

Plus, that bloke who sits next to you at work is bloody gorgeous, he'll make a fantastic husband and one day in 23 years time he'll be snoring upstairs along with your 3 kids when someone asks you this question.

I would tell myself:

If your gut turns over when you see him coming home, listen to it. It's telling you something is off.

When you come home and you sit on the drive worrying about getting out of the car and going in, listen to your body.

Those days when things feel good and there is laughter - they should be normal, not rare.

The man he was when you first met him was not the real him. Don't spend years wishing he would become that man again - he won't.

Sitting at the dinner table afraid to laugh or sing isn't OK.

Yes his childhood was difficult, but that doesn't mean he can behave badly now. It isn't an excuse.

It's not OK for anyone to tell you what you can and can't eat, or buy, or wear, or watch on TV.

When you leave, spend time on your own afterwards to heal and be sure of your boundaries. If you don't, you'll be vulnerable and will fall into another damaging relationship too fast. Don't be scared of being on your own.

Life is too short. You can do this. You can break this off and it will be okay. You are not crazy, you never have been. There is so much love and happiness outside this relationship, please don't hold yourself back from it any longer.

Not to be embarrassed.

I would have told myself everyone was telling me.

The trouble is by the time I could see it, I was so ground down I did not have the strength to do what I needed to get away. He destroyed my self esteem.

I wish I’d been on MN then and now I use my experiences to try and help others.

I'd say "Go to the doctor and tell them what you're being put through, ask him to sign you off sick for a week or two and pretend to go to work but go flat-hunting instead. When you've found somewhere, preferably in the next town, wait until he's gone to work then move your stuff out and into the new flat. Ask your friends to help if they can but you haven't got much so if they don't, you can still manage! Tell the landlord he is abusive and ask them to ask the girl in the flat downstairs about what she's heard as she will corroborate that! Tell them the abuser will pay the rent now. Leave him a note once you have everything of yours out to tell him why and not to try contacting you or you will get a restraining order on him- you've already called the police on him once so there is evidence of his behaviour and you being frightened of him. Once you're out of there and away from him, start looking for other jobs as you're being abused at work too. You are still young enough to turn this around and deserve so much better! Anyone who won't support nor help you get back on your feet again does not deserve to be in your life! Clear ALL users and abusers out of your life and start studying how to be assertive and set boundaries with people and for goodness sake, start LISTENING to your alarm bells, instead of trying to persuade yourself not to!STOP minimising it, You KNOW you're being abused! You KNOW this is wrong and that it's HIM, not you, that's at fault! Start looking after yourself instead of carrying others on your back to the point they are breaking it!"
I never thought of doing this at the time because I was chronically sleep-deprived and he was doing that to me deliberately- he was on permanent late-shifts and would sleep in every day, whereas I had to be up for work by 7.30 am! It took a new friend offering me to stay with them and a couple of decent night's sleep for me to see my way out of that horrendous "relationship"! For God's sake, if you have a friend in this situation, SPEAK UP and STEP UP! They might be just too plain exhausted to see their way out of it, but you can!

2Gen
Your post really bought lump to my throat
I hope you are safely out now xxx