Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you say to your former self who was in an abusive relationship if you were looking from the outside in?

100 replies

Lookingoutfromin · 16/12/2021 22:43

Inspired from a thread I saw a while ago.. I was in a very abusive relationship, my ex was unlike anyone else I've ever encountered. Subsequently banned from my life in every way possible.
However, one thing I wish i could've told myself was not to be afraid to be alone. One thing I had was financial independence from my ex as I had a good job which he vehemently tried to get me to resign from after maternity leave. I squirreled away every penny I could in secret to get a runaway fund in the last 6 months of our relationship.
But it took me 5 years to get to that point.
In 5 years I took all manner of abuse from him because I was scared to be alone and not have anything and wanted our daughter to have her father and mother together.
I wish I could've looked in from my relationship from the outside and told myself then not to be scared to be alone.
I'm almost 2 years away from him and I'm raising our daughter alone and I couldn't be happier.

OP posts:
SSCCLL · 16/12/2021 22:49

Everything will work out, it has to

coronabeer · 16/12/2021 22:58

Looking back, I think I was always hoping someone would ask: "Are you okay?". I mean, it was a bit of a joke what a lazy, selfish git stbxh was - even his mother used to say things like "I don't know how you put up with him". But it wasn't funny when there was no-one else around, it was just awful.

littleoo · 16/12/2021 22:59

hi there, i am in exactly the same position. all my friends tell me i am in a coercive marriage, but i don't want to believe it. people who have been in similar circumstances, have told me, it is better to be alone. when you are in an abusive marriage, you are already alone and possibly isolated. unfortunately, i don't have financial independence, as all my savings have gone to bail out my husband's debts. i want to believe there is a better life out there, but don't have the confidence to pursue it. i hope that you do!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/12/2021 23:28

"you deserve better"

Yellowshirt · 16/12/2021 23:37

I wish I had not dismissed so many signs and feelings that something just wasn't right. I missed so many chances now looking back to put a stop to mainly financial abuse.
My ex took my debit card as one example from my wallet and I had no access to my bank account for four years. I still feel so stupid and angry with myself now even three years after our split.

Soopermum1 · 16/12/2021 23:44

When you leave him, and take some time to heal, a much better man will come along and you'll be the person you always should have been.

Lifewith · 16/12/2021 23:52

You can do it. You can stand up to him, don't be afraid

Journeynotdestination · 17/12/2021 00:18

For me it would have been to have had stronger boundaries. He was a romantic con man and incredibly clever and manipulative so I just didn’t see who he really was initially. But when I did start to discover the real him I should have run but I had weak boundaries. I too was scared of being alone. My therapist after I broke up with him taught me that I had enough and was enough to be safe on my own. I guess I would tell myself to not be so gullible and have higher self respect. He was so freaking clever though, even after he was physically abusive I went back to him. He did such a number on me!

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 17/12/2021 00:30

I would tell myself to look at his actions, and not his words.

Ariann · 17/12/2021 00:32

Don't keep hoping things will get better. They will get worse every day. Leave as soon as you can, when he's out of the house - GO.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/12/2021 05:29

@Yellowshirt
Please be compassionate to yourself. You didn't recognise the abuse because you are not an abuser. It would never occur to you to treat someone that way.

If you read a strangers post on here and she described what you went through, would you think she was "stupid" or be angry at her?

There is always, ALWAYS something you wish you'd done differently in a situation like this. Because that's how the mind works, how we evolved. Your brain turns it over and over for threat analysis and preparing for next time.

Basically your brain is working on the principle that you evaded a predator, so it wants to encode the memories and keep you thinking about it and coming up with things you could have done even better.

wishymore · 17/12/2021 05:44

How do you rebuild your life from being totally alone though? That’s the fear that holds me back. I have no life, no friends, no social life

Joy69 · 17/12/2021 06:13

wishymore picture the future that you want for yourself & go for it. In regards to having no friends, you may find that when you leave & your confidence grows a whole new world opens up for you. You will start to meet new people just because you can. You will have no one to answer to other than yourself. Being alone can be scary, but also liberating. I know how hard it is to leave, but once you've done it you'll have no regrets.
Wishing you all the best Flowers

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/12/2021 08:01

I don’t know
I knew it was bad but it wasn’t till son was majorly impacted that women’s aid and then freedom programme came along
I suppose that this will end

And you’ll be ok 👍 eventually ?

Justmuddlingalong · 17/12/2021 08:19

A good day in an abusive relationship, is still worse than a bad day out of one.

Original poster
Lookingoutfromin · 17/12/2021 08:24

@Ariann

Don't keep hoping things will get better. They will get worse every day. Leave as soon as you can, when he's out of the house - GO.
God this one resonates so much with me.. I remember living in hope just the next day wouldn't be as awful. Each day just got worse and worse.
OP posts:
curiouslypacific · 17/12/2021 08:31

I think I would have told myself that it was ok to leave. That it wasn't my fault that he was treating me so badly. That no amount of trying harder would fix his behaviour. That being scared in your own home wasn't normal (or acceptable!).

I knew I was unhappy for a long time, but I didn't recognise his behaviour as abuse until after I left. I'm sad for younger me that my 20s weren't as happy and fun as they should have been. I don't regret my choices though, as my life now is lovely and an easier path may not have brought me here.

DollyDan · 17/12/2021 08:35

He will never change, things will not be better in a month or a years time, you are worth so much more and as hard as it seems now life will be wonderful again

cheapskatemum · 17/12/2021 08:38

I would advise to do The Freedom Programme

Pigeoninthehouse · 17/12/2021 08:41

You deserve better.
You are not responsible for that person's happiness. Leave.

Pebbledashery · 17/12/2021 09:21

I definitely didn't recognise I was in an abusive relationship until after I left him. I didn't even associate my relationship with domestic abuse.. It's so sad its like that for many women.

BaublesAndGlitter · 17/12/2021 10:01

I was a teen in an abusive relationship. If I could go back and tell myself anything, it would be to question everything he told me.

To this day I'm not really sure why I believed him all the time but he told me so many people had told him they didn't know how he put up with me / people didn't like me / I was fat / ugly / stupid / he was there because he felt sorry for me etc.

I also wish someone had told me that the second I told someone I was scared and wanted out, my friends and family would be as amazing as they were.
I really believed people thought I was lucky to have him & would be stupid to leave etc but as soon as I told my mum and a friend, they didn't question me once, just provided support and protection until he was gone - and that did more for my confidence than they will ever know.

For anyone in an abusive relationship now, I would say no matter how hard it seems, there is a way out and you are underestimating your ability to cope on your own. If you can survive an abusive relationship, you can 100% survive a life you build for yourself without someone dragging you down, and more importantly, you deserve to feel calm, safe and happy.

htfdth · 17/12/2021 10:11

This is quite a helpful read right now, thank you.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 10:16

It's ok, you'll come out the other side a string, independent woman who can rely on herself. Life will be brilliant

Reearry · 17/12/2021 10:39

If you can survive an abusive relationship, you can 100% survive a life you build for yourself without someone dragging you down, and more importantly, you deserve to feel calm, safe and happy.

I really needed to hear this today. I just finished reading Lundy Bancroft's book why does he do that and realised that I am in an abusive relationship. I thought we have communication issues and he has issues with control hence the financial concerns and sometimes he flies off the handle. Instead I felt like I was reading a biography about my partner. I got chills and goosebumps reading and only wish I had read it years ago when it was mentioned here in the threads of Mumsnet. Instead I thought it was a book for an abusive relationship whereas I am in just a marriage with bad communication skills... I feel so foolish. I am feeling such a sense of shame and embarrassment when I think of all the things I endured. The loss of self respect, self esteem, depression, getting physical ailments ...and I still couldn't see it. And the minimising ...oh how I minimised and made excuses for his actions... Why just why? I don't know. I am emotionally, verbally, financially and at times physically abused and I am still in shock as to how I couldn't see it. I have to endure this for another year as I plan my escape. I badly need a job to be able to get out and I have been trying but not getting any leads. I only hope the coming year is more lucky and I can get a job and build up my savings to be in a position to leave.