What would you say to your former self who was in an abusive relationship if you were looking from the outside in?

[Lookingoutfromin]

Inspired from a thread I saw a while ago.. I was in a very abusive relationship, my ex was unlike anyone else I've ever encountered. Subsequently banned from my life in every way possible.
However, one thing I wish i could've told myself was not to be afraid to be alone. One thing I had was financial independence from my ex as I had a good job which he vehemently tried to get me to resign from after maternity leave. I squirreled away every penny I could in secret to get a runaway fund in the last 6 months of our relationship.
But it took me 5 years to get to that point.
In 5 years I took all manner of abuse from him because I was scared to be alone and not have anything and wanted our daughter to have her father and mother together.
I wish I could've looked in from my relationship from the outside and told myself then not to be scared to be alone.
I'm almost 2 years away from him and I'm raising our daughter alone and I couldn't be happier.

I want to say.. One day, your daughter will say, "thank you mum for keeping me safe and giving me my life"

If things don't feel 'right' that's because they're not

For years I felt something was quite right but was made to feel I ws the bad one everyone was putting up with

@Baublesand glitter

I hadn't fully read your post but yes yes yes

Your Mother/Brother wonders how I put up with you

All my friends say I'm a saint for putting up with you

I could go on

@coronabeer

Looking back, I think I was always hoping someone would ask: "Are you okay?". I mean, it was a bit of a joke what a lazy, selfish git stbxh was - even his mother used to say things like "I don't know how you put up with him". But it wasn't funny when there was no-one else around, it was just awful.

I was exactly the same. I was so so angry with my mum for years later, because in my mind looking back I was so withdrawn, thin, pale - how could she not see what I'd become, and how could she not ask was I okay?

I left an abusive relationship when my DD was young. She now, as an adult, keeps reminding me that it was the best thing for our family. I wish I had known then that it was ok to take my DD away from her DF as it was such a hard decision to make at that time and I stayed far longer than I should have done.

@Plantstrees

I left an abusive relationship when my DD was young. She now, as an adult, keeps reminding me that it was the best thing for our family. I wish I had known then that it was ok to take my DD away from her DF as it was such a hard decision to make at that time and I stayed far longer than I should have done.

I really hope this is my DD x

Don't doubt yourself. Its him not you.
You are not what he says you are.
If you feel less than you were, its because of what he's taken from you.
The highs are not worth the lows.
The highs are not real, you're just relieved to be temporarily spared the low.
Imagine being able to choose where you go and what you do.
Imagine your peace of mind not being at the mercy of his whims.
Very little out there will hurt you as much as he does.
Very little out there will scare you as much as he does.
Be brave, be strong and get out.

'You're lovely and you are worth so much more. You only get one life.'

I'd say, you are loved by so many people and they will all be there waiting for you to support you.

This is not normal. Other women wouldn't put up with this. There is nothing wrong with you...the problem is him.

I wish someone had told me how much I’d changed. How I wasn’t as confident and assertive as I was before I met him. How I wasn’t as available as I used to be. How I’d closed myself off to almost everyone who cared about me.

If I could have seen then what I had become (like I do now) I’d have given myself a good shake and left sooner than I did.

What a great question. Id say, 'get him prosecuted, stop being loyal to him.'

An old relationship of mine was heading towards abusive although god not as bad as some of the things I have read on here. More the early part of starting to segregate from family and friends, the occasional slap, the occasional bruise where nobody would see the bruises.

My advice would be LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. They see even though you think you are hiding it.

Accept their help. They will save you.

Don’t listen, don’t internalise any of it.
Don’t try and make sense of it, or rationalise it, or understand it, or wonder what you could have said/ done differently
When you finally start to figure out what is going on, don’t waste time and energy beating yourself up about why you stayed. Use that time and energy to get out and stay out
If you go back, that’s ok, plenty of people go back having tried to leave. Don’t give up - put your boundaries in, get stronger, get coping mecanisms and keep working on a plan
Don’t try and leave alone - these people are master manipulators and will use every tool/ weak spot to hoover you back in. Get professional help as soon as you can
Don’t ever ignore the warning signs of a ‘crazy ex.’ Run.

Oh. And none of it is real. None of it. Not the professions of love or anything else. You’re useful to them, no more no less.

I would tell myself to think how I would feel if it were my mum or daughter in the relationship instead of myself. If I would feel scared or sad for them, I should probably try to recognise how scary/sad the relationship actually is for myself.

"It doesn't matter why she is treating you like this.... even if you love her dearly, feel sorry for her, are afraid for her mental health, believe she is doing this because she is suffering psychologically/ is more vulnerable than you, thinks you are causing her pain, loves you and is often a good person...... if she is screaming at you regularly, castigating you constantly for seeming sins that you apparently committed but don't understand, insulting you, then icing you out, and starting all over again....if you feel constantly anxious and walking on eggshells, despite constantly apologising and trying to do better...... you don't need to stay. She is not the victim, no matter how much she believes she is. And you will feel an unbelievable 'lifting' and freeing to be your true self once you get out."

I wish someone had said that to me.... but I probably wouldn't have listened. I was so programmed to believe I had to be loyal for life, regardless of how I was treated.

I am so glad I am free.

@wishymore

How do you rebuild your life from being totally alone though? That’s the fear that holds me back. I have no life, no friends, no social life

You build it by taking one step at a time. Start by working out what you don't want, what you're no longer able to put up with. Listen to that voice and get help. There's always help, even if you think you have nobody. There'll be someone to help you start to put one foot in front of the other. Womens aid, a long lost friend, an IDVA. There will be someone. The future can be better than the present, you just have to decide.

I wish I hadn't ignored all the signs he was cheating again. I begged him back after the first time he cheated, lost his respect and my dignity. He continued to cheat over the next 9 years whilst I stayed home with the kids, played the dutiful wife, took the mental abuse.

I tell myself this everyday now
It is better to be alone than with a man who doesn'tlove you

I’d tell myself
This is hurting the children NOW. Get them away from him.

@wishymore
I agree with you. Even before covid I was just a recluse. Life is just empty and lonely

@Mermaidwaves. I made that exact mistake. I believed her promise it was me she wanted not her work colleague.

Four years I continued with those constant lies. Four years and one black eye later..... I left.

I knew, I absolutely knew and recognised the first time he was abusive to me. And still, I denied, minimised and ignored it. Many unhappy abuse filled years followed. He showed me exactly who he was and I so wish I had chosen to believe it! I refuse to blame myself though…I was naive, trusting and kind and I thought everyone else was the same….turns out, they aren’t! Lesson learned!

Looking back, I think I was always hoping someone would ask: "Are you okay?".

Me too. I would have given anything for someone to ask 'how are you?', sincerely. I had no-one to talk to and no-one wanted to know. Many years later, I still struggle, I am slowing moving through a horrible divorce, he's still exercising control, through the children, and I do it all alone. I'm close to my family, overall, and yet no-one, no-one, asks if I need help or offers it, or wants to know what's going on. It hurts so much. If I try to tell them, they'll say 'God he's awful isn't he'. And that's it. I'm so lonely - busy & coping & working hard & rearing 3 children, but so lonely.

Don't keep hoping things will get better. They will get worse every day.

God this one resonates so much with me.. I remember living in hope just the next day wouldn't be as awful. Each day just got worse

And me. I still remember my thought process 'maybe this is hard now, but it will be ok in the future, and we'll have a lovely life when the DC are older and we sort out all these problems'

So I stayed and kept having children and was just broken by the time I finally realised and he left.

I think I wish someone had said if it doesn't feel right, it isn't. And it's ok. Now what do we need to do to help & protect you

Oh gosh yes........ I kept thinking "if I just hold on a bit longer, it will get better.....next time it will be better.... next week.... next month.... next year.......you are strong enough to keep baring it until then." I always justified it because it hadn't always been this way...... if I could just find the right way of doing things/ the magic ingredient, it would go back to the way it used to be, and we'd just look back on these years as a difficult time we'd got through together.... I will have finally proved my love and loyalty enough...... that's what I kept telling myself.

But finally the love and desire to be with this person just got murdered as the abuse continued... I still waited another year out of misplaced loyalty and a sense of obligation. Three years all in all. That's a lot of life.

I wish someone had said to me "you can never go back to the way things were. Once a person treats you like that, it's lost... there is no foundation for a loving relationship and abuse breaks all commitments you may feel you have. You have a right to protect yourself."