Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you say to your former self who was in an abusive relationship if you were looking from the outside in?

100 replies

Lookingoutfromin · 16/12/2021 22:43

Inspired from a thread I saw a while ago.. I was in a very abusive relationship, my ex was unlike anyone else I've ever encountered. Subsequently banned from my life in every way possible.
However, one thing I wish i could've told myself was not to be afraid to be alone. One thing I had was financial independence from my ex as I had a good job which he vehemently tried to get me to resign from after maternity leave. I squirreled away every penny I could in secret to get a runaway fund in the last 6 months of our relationship.
But it took me 5 years to get to that point.
In 5 years I took all manner of abuse from him because I was scared to be alone and not have anything and wanted our daughter to have her father and mother together.
I wish I could've looked in from my relationship from the outside and told myself then not to be scared to be alone.
I'm almost 2 years away from him and I'm raising our daughter alone and I couldn't be happier.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/12/2021 12:31

@BraveGoldie

Everything you said really resonates with me 💐

coodawoodashooda · 18/12/2021 12:32

@BraveGoldie

Oh gosh yes........ I kept thinking "if I just hold on a bit longer, it will get better.....next time it will be better.... next week.... next month.... next year.......you are strong enough to keep baring it until then." I always justified it because it hadn't always been this way...... if I could just find the right way of doing things/ the magic ingredient, it would go back to the way it used to be, and we'd just look back on these years as a difficult time we'd got through together.... I will have finally proved my love and loyalty enough...... that's what I kept telling myself.

But finally the love and desire to be with this person just got murdered as the abuse continued... I still waited another year out of misplaced loyalty and a sense of obligation. Three years all in all. That's a lot of life.

I wish someone had said to me "you can never go back to the way things were. Once a person treats you like that, it's lost... there is no foundation for a loving relationship and abuse breaks all commitments you may feel you have. You have a right to protect yourself."

An excellent post.
tarasmalatarocks · 18/12/2021 13:34

@5128gap. That really resonated. I think to be honest if you realise you are making excuses and apologising for your partners actions at regular periods, or posting negative stuff on here you have an issue. I also think it’s important to realise you can kind of still love someone or at least not hate them , but it still not be the right dynamic long term for you. Once you think you are ‘putting up with’ - then it’s not right.

tarasmalatarocks · 18/12/2021 13:38

Also someone once said to me in a very matter of fact way ‘your H is bossy and abusive to you ‘ and behaviour I had thought was just ‘him’ being A bit of a dick I realised to others looked very unacceptable- I had just gotten used to it over a long time—

Gooders1105 · 18/12/2021 13:40

I wish I’d realised I could end the relationship. It didn’t occur to me that I could. He kept threatening me with divorce and I cowered each time (3 DCs - 2 with SEN). But now, 3.5 years on, I am so happy. I get big surges of happiness weekly. It will get better 😀

time2tork · 18/12/2021 13:43

Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave leave leave leave leave

littleoo · 18/12/2021 14:05

i love reading all the posts on here. deep down, you know the answer, but it's having the courage to follow it through. when you are alone and isolated, it's easy to believe your entire happiness depends on this one person. i've learnt, that things will never change, never improve. i am emotionally done and i am too old to tolerate things anymore.

PoshPyjamas · 18/12/2021 14:06

You’ll leave when you’re ready.

JanglyBeads · 18/12/2021 15:37

@PoshPyjamas don’t you think that’s quite a potentially dangerous thing to tell a woman in an abusive relationship?

coodawoodashooda · 18/12/2021 17:51

[quote JanglyBeads]@PoshPyjamas don’t you think that’s quite a potentially dangerous thing to tell a woman in an abusive relationship?[/quote]
But if you leave before youre ready youll not have the same commitment to your decision.

Disengagingraging · 18/12/2021 17:54

If you leave before you're ready, you'll end up going back.. Time and time again.

sassbott · 18/12/2021 23:26

@JanglyBeads based on my experience no, it isn’t. It took me many attempts to get where I am now. I only now have the utter clear certainty that under no circumstances will I ever reconcile with this man.

On previous attempts. I always felt like I had somehow failed when I didn’t manage to stay away for good. Fortunately for me, each time I tried to leave, I added an additional boundary. It took time to build the strength and resolve to walk away one last time.

And that’s more than ok. Because I’m not alone in that experience.

Yellowshirt · 18/12/2021 23:33

@BraveGoldie.
Wow wow wow . What a good and powerful post. I want my 16 year-old daughter to read that one day. At the moment she thinks her mums treatment of me is just me playing the victim

crummyusername · 18/12/2021 23:42

It helped me to be completely honest with a couple of trusted friends about what exactly was happening. The shock in their eyes and their response (‘you know that’s not
normal…?’) helped me so much to get over the self-doubt about whether it was abusive, and helped me get the strength to move on. I’d hidden or minimized or glossed over the truth for so very long - I was just ashamed to talk about it. But when I did, I got nothing but support.

Emerald5hamrock · 18/12/2021 23:49

I'd whisper "he is only a man" yes a vicious psychopath but not the huge monster that you have to stay with for fear of losing your life or you will lose your life.
Get away.
My advice to others,
If you're alone contact a helpline, stop a stranger.
I often think about the fear in women trafficked for sex hidden in society and have learned the help me hand signal.

PoshPyjamas · 19/12/2021 00:09

I don’t think it’s dangerous. I would have found it reassuring.

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 00:34

You’ll leave when you’re ready.
I agree it is very dangerous as many pp's have said they hoped that things would improve, listening to your instincts and not waiting on the next time would be a better idea.

Yellowshirt · 19/12/2021 01:20

I would also say to myself forget help from anyone. Her relatives will ignore you and say its normal and people in authority will shrug there shoulders and say you lack evidence so move on and stop being a Martha.
It may sound harsh to anyone who hasn't escaped yet but its the truth from my experience..
And the lack of support has also lead to my Ex being able to fill my daughter with lies.

ldontWanna · 19/12/2021 01:30

You're not stupid.
You're not crazy.
You deserve better than this.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/12/2021 08:35

'You'll leave when you're ready' advice would never have worked for me.

The point for me was no-one saw his abuse and I couldn't disclose it. However there was so many signals, and if people had asked me, maybe I could have disclosed the financial and emotional abuse.

I never contemplated leaving. I believed it would get better.

In the end, he was making so many threats that via my parents (who had now got some sense of the situation) I met with a barrister. He told me bluntly in 5 minutes that my marriage was over & I should stop facilitating his behaviour. (He also spoke about how abusive my H was being but I still couldn't see that. Didn't for ages after).

In my case, hearing that unequivocal statement, provided me with the courage to tell my H, a week later, to leave, after another abusive incident. He did, a few days later.

I think different advice is pertinent in different situations. However, it all starts with asking someone if they are ok, and do they want to talk. I tried to tell my sister & my best friend several times, they didn't see it, and they didn't want to hear.

layladomino · 19/12/2021 09:34

@Reearry You've seen him for what he is, and that is power to you. Don't berate yourself for getting in to this situation... you are a decent person, not an abuser, so you didn't expect or understand abusive behaviour.

But now you have recognised what this is, you've started on your plan to get out. Please talk to people IRL and on here, and get professional advice on where you stand, so you have all the info you need to enable you to get out as quickly - and as safely - as possible.

Yes it is hard, but it will be SO worth it when you're out the other side.

adollopofthisandthat · 19/12/2021 10:14

@BraveGoldie thank you, I needed to read that this morning.

I’d say to myself: it’s not you, you’re not imagining it. You have withdrawn from him for good reason, his behaviour to you and the DC has killed the love you had for him. Keep walking away, however nice he is being at the moment, it is not real it’s just more manipulation. You cannot keep trying to fix him and you cannot keep hoping that you can put things back to how they used to be, mostly by trying harder yourself…

Yes you miss the good bits, and there were some or you wouldn’t have stayed as long as you did, but you didn’t spoil the good bits, he did, you just couldn’t see it at the time.

Better to be on your own it won’t always be easy and the DC will wonder why you did it, but one day they will understand and will be better and happier adults themselves because of it.

PoshPyjamas · 19/12/2021 11:40

Feel slightly affronted that everyone's saying I'd give myself bad adviceSmile . Surely it just shows that there isn't some one size fits all generic advice that will 'work' in this situation.

Emerald5hamrock · 19/12/2021 11:57

Feel slightly affronted that everyone's saying I'd give myself bad advice.
The reason I disagreed with your advice "You'll leave when you're ready" as usually people who suffer domestic abuse have no confidence, no financial assistance, they're absolutely broken inside and wouldn't have the strength to wait until they're ready.
Ready for what? Their confidence to return, save money they don't have, until he hits them again.
It isn't a choice decision if someone is abusive you need to leave immediately as it never ever gets better.

Reearry · 19/12/2021 11:59

@layladomino thank you for the kind words. It is hard not to look back and curse yourself for suffering and wasting away a decade in the prime of your life. But I tell myself now that all the energy, time and effort I put into the relationship trying in vain to understand, empathise, change, just try and try try ...I will now put that into getting out of this relationship and building myself up. I have reached out for help IRL and hope that in the coming months I am able to be finally free and move on