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Original poster

How can I and should I talk my boyfriend into getting a job?

152 replies

Lynns3742 · 15/12/2021 19:22

I'm 26 and my boyfriend of 3 and and a half years is 27. To get straight to the point, my boyfriend is currently not working and has not kept a job for longer than a few months his entire life and the entire time we've been together thus far.

I can count on 1 hand the number of jobs he's had since we've been together. His excuse is always "I don't want to work somewhere I don't like" and I completely understand that and feel the same way, but the issue is, he's not eveb trying nor is he giving anything a chance.

The problem is, he says he'll apply to jobs and then NEVER does. He tells me he won't even attempt to try certain jobs because he doesn't think he'll like them. I don't even remember the last time he had a job. I believe it's been since April of this year.

I had a job long term as a manager that I loved but I quit that in February because the new manager was awful and my mental health couldn't take it anymore. Since then I've had a few jobs and I apply to jobs all the time and I'm doing doordash as well to make up for it the best I can. So I know I'm not exactly one to talk but I TRY, I've worked, I try to do what I can.

Our living situation has been taking a turn for the worst lately. My cousin is my tenant so we luckily only pay $200 for rent which is fantastic and bills are fairly cheap too. It's just hard because we have 2 large breed dogs and neither of us have full time jobs so between bills, pets, food, and gas for vehicles, we are struggling bad.

I'm doing what I can to apply to jobs. I'm working full time doing doordash when I can, but my boyfriend barely tries. He even has a doordash driver account and when I ask if he wants to do it together, he tells me he's not in the mood. Mind you, while I'm doing all this, he spends allllll day playing video games, watching tv, and going hunting. He doesn't clean the house, he doesn't look for jobs, he's been offered jobs he says he'll apply to and never does, etc.

Everytime I complain about financial stress, his response is "we'll figure it out, we always do." My problem is, I don't want to just figure it out. I want to be comfortable. I have a LOT of mental health issues and this stress just makes things ten times worse.

Another thing, when I bring up how he needs to find a job, or complain that he doesn't work, he instead throws it in my face that I didn't work for a short period in between the few jobs I had and doordash. I'm not perfect in this and can and try to do better, but that's the issue, I'm TRYING. He's not even attempting to. I took care of him for over 2 years of our relationship and now that I'm not currently working full time like I was, he's using that as a rebuttal for our arguments about money.

I can't even talk to him because he turns it around on me or gets upset and walks away. He won't talk to me. He has no sense of independence, he is lazy, and seems to just not want to work or do anything with his life.

It's taking a toll on our relationship and myself in general. I don't want to live like this anymore. What can I say or do to try to talk sense in him? What should I do if he doesn't listen or doesn't try? Please, I'm desperate. I don't want to live like this anymore and I feel like I'm running out of solutions.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2021 12:39

My cousin is my tenant so we luckily only pay $200 for rent which is fantastic

Did you mean your cousin's your landlord, or that you're somehow sharing the rent?

Either way you're living with a bum, so if you want to avoid being taken down completely the only solution is to get rid of him

PoshPyjamas · 16/12/2021 12:47

He won't change.

This is the sort of person who it's fine to have fun with when you're young, or even when you're older!, But not the sort of person you should be tying yourself to in the medium to long-term, unless your values align and you to are a workshy loser.

MzHz · 16/12/2021 13:24

@Lynns3742

I don't know why I'm with him guys. Part of it is it's my first long term/committed relationship. Another is I have a very very low sense of self worth and wonder if I could ever do any better. I'm actually going to therapy starting next week too which is nice. To answer another question, yes he is a frequent pot smoker too.
Could you do better?

Think about the answer to this logically- look around you and see how different life could be

But not until you get shot of him.

whynotwhatknot · 16/12/2021 15:37

whose paying for the weed you?

i have no problem with it but not when it comes infront of food and bills

EarlyCalenderCh0c0 · 16/12/2021 16:10

Actually your Mother/parent is paying for your unemployed boyfriend to smoke weed

Pinkbonbon · 16/12/2021 16:24

Similar to you op I've had had odd bad experience with nasty colleagues... and it sometimes puts me off looking for a job. Id happily never never again if it was an option. But I think we have to be careful to not excuse other people's weaknesses as a result of our own traumas. It sounds like he just doesn't want to work.

I usually do 'find a way', but it's just me, so that's OK. But when you have a partner or a family, you have to take responsibility. Even if he was scared to work because of past traumas, he would have to find a way to put that asside - because thats what a partner does. Even if it just meant compromise. Eg: he should keep looking for work but if he finds he doesn't like a place, he can get straight back into looking again for another. Or he could just find part time work. But this guy...doesn't seem to want to do that. And that would be fine if he was single. But he isn't.

It sounds like he may be playing on your past. Using it as an excuse for his work shy nature. Or perhaps you yourself are personalising things because of your experiences. Don't let people take advantage of your good nature...or your bank account.

TellMeItsPossible · 16/12/2021 17:19

@Lynns3742

I don't know why I'm with him guys. Part of it is it's my first long term/committed relationship. Another is I have a very very low sense of self worth and wonder if I could ever do any better. I'm actually going to therapy starting next week too which is nice. To answer another question, yes he is a frequent pot smoker too.
Alone is better.

Alone is better.

Skeumorph · 16/12/2021 17:30

@Lynns3742

I don't know why I'm with him guys. Part of it is it's my first long term/committed relationship. Another is I have a very very low sense of self worth and wonder if I could ever do any better. I'm actually going to therapy starting next week too which is nice. To answer another question, yes he is a frequent pot smoker too.
Being single is better. There is just no question.

Nothing is worse than this kind of relationship. Because not only is it shit and a total waste of your one life... it's stopping you from moving on, from actually meeting anyone else ever.

You're not happy. You don't wait being unhappy until you find something else to jump to.

You get out!

MMmomDD · 16/12/2021 17:31

Oh, god. What did I just read….
@Lynns3742 - this isn’t a relationship and he isn’t a partner to you. He is a leech. And quite useless in general. And at the age of 27 - there is absolutely nothing you can say to change him. This is who he is.
So - if you want you have a comfortable life, a supportive partner, and kids - one day - you need to find strength and free yourself,
He is dragging you down.
He’ll never grow up and do his bit. He’ll go from woman to woman finding someone desperate enough to support him just so she has a man in her life.
You are still young. You can still turn your life around and meet an actual grown up, who will want to be an actual partner in a relationship.

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2021 21:21

@Lynns3742

I don't know why I'm with him guys. Part of it is it's my first long term/committed relationship. Another is I have a very very low sense of self worth and wonder if I could ever do any better. I'm actually going to therapy starting next week too which is nice. To answer another question, yes he is a frequent pot smoker too.
You certainly can't do much worse.

You'd be much better on your own that with this loser.

And I'll guarantee your life will be brighter without him

Get rid

NowEvenBetter · 16/12/2021 21:22

How embarrassing. Ditch him without a second thought. No need to even have a conversation about it, have intense therapy before allowing another male into your life.

AnFiaRuaNua · 16/12/2021 21:23

@SparklingLime

What he means is, “You’ll sort it. You always do.”

Why would you think this is an acceptable way to treat you?

Yupp. This is it. :-/
Riverlee · 16/12/2021 21:27

Dump him. He’ll never change, and shows no commitment to loooking for a job. Your mum should stop funding his car insurance. You’ll worth far more than him.

I appreciate that after three years it’ll be difficult to separate, but you’ll feel a lot better in the long run.

CrystalMaisie · 16/12/2021 21:27

Sell the tv and games console, then dump him.

Helpstopthepain · 16/12/2021 21:30

He sounds like a waste of space.
How does he pay for his pot?

Helpstopthepain · 16/12/2021 21:33

Forgot to add, your mum needs to stop paying for his car. If you all keep bailing him out of course he’s going to sit on his arse and expect everything to be handed to him on a plate.

Nothing is more unattractive to me than someone with no ambition or drive. My xh was very much like that.

I’m not sure you have listed one nice thing about him. What do you like about him?

SallyWD · 16/12/2021 21:47

My ex is exactly like this. I started dating him when he was 22 and he's now 50. He hasn't changed at all! In fact he's got worse as he's got older - he knows exactly how to play the benefits system and hasn't worked at all for about 15 years. When I was with him he'd only stick at a job for a couple of months then have very long gaps between jobs. He won't change OP and you'll just grow more and more resentful. I'd end the relationship. Imagine if you had children with him - you'd have all the stress of raising children and sole responsibility for paying the bills. It's not worth it.

SallyWD · 16/12/2021 21:54

Just to add that like you, my ex was also my first proper relationship and I also had very low self esteem. But still - that's a bad, bad reason to stay with someone. My life is a million times better since we split up. I'm now with a man who cares about me, earns a good wage and is generally a great father and husband. My life would have been shit if I'd stayed with my ex.

Babyghirl · 16/12/2021 22:16

@Lynns3742
Sorry op but he will never change, I could not settle for a man who does not work and will not look for a job or can't hold a job down, says alot for what you future will look like don't settle for second best. Don't have kids with him either if you are struggling to feed yourselfs will be worse to struggle to feed kids in the mix.

Momijin · 17/12/2021 04:12

Absolutely leave him and count yourself lucky you don't have kids with this lazy shit.

Dozer · 17/12/2021 04:32

Your MUM has been sucked in too?

Shame on both of you!

Wise up.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2021 04:39

It is absolutely tragic that you are throwing away your youth on this total loser. Kick him out and have a decent life, ffs.

Bogeyes · 17/12/2021 05:06

He is a loser...lazy idle sponging user. Get rid. Lots of guys out there who work and will treat you right.

ScotInExile · 17/12/2021 05:18

He won't change. I was in a very similar position in my early twenties, working 3 jobs while my pot smoking boyfriend sat at home playing video games. He would last a few days at a temp job then refuse to go back for pathetic reasons. One of my 3 jobs was working in a bar on Friday and Saturday nights and he had the fucking nerve to accuse me of cheating on him because I was 'out all weekend' without him!
It was difficult to finish things as I loved him but after he'd gone I felt the biggest wave of relief and happiness and freedom.
Please don't waste any more of your life on this man, you're worth so much better.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 17/12/2021 05:29

You're asking how to change someone who will literally watch you starve while he smokes weed and lies in bed all day? That is not love OP. That's not even like.

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