Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I and should I talk my boyfriend into getting a job?

152 replies

Lynns3742 · 15/12/2021 19:22

I'm 26 and my boyfriend of 3 and and a half years is 27. To get straight to the point, my boyfriend is currently not working and has not kept a job for longer than a few months his entire life and the entire time we've been together thus far.

I can count on 1 hand the number of jobs he's had since we've been together. His excuse is always "I don't want to work somewhere I don't like" and I completely understand that and feel the same way, but the issue is, he's not eveb trying nor is he giving anything a chance.

The problem is, he says he'll apply to jobs and then NEVER does. He tells me he won't even attempt to try certain jobs because he doesn't think he'll like them. I don't even remember the last time he had a job. I believe it's been since April of this year.

I had a job long term as a manager that I loved but I quit that in February because the new manager was awful and my mental health couldn't take it anymore. Since then I've had a few jobs and I apply to jobs all the time and I'm doing doordash as well to make up for it the best I can. So I know I'm not exactly one to talk but I TRY, I've worked, I try to do what I can.

Our living situation has been taking a turn for the worst lately. My cousin is my tenant so we luckily only pay $200 for rent which is fantastic and bills are fairly cheap too. It's just hard because we have 2 large breed dogs and neither of us have full time jobs so between bills, pets, food, and gas for vehicles, we are struggling bad.

I'm doing what I can to apply to jobs. I'm working full time doing doordash when I can, but my boyfriend barely tries. He even has a doordash driver account and when I ask if he wants to do it together, he tells me he's not in the mood. Mind you, while I'm doing all this, he spends allllll day playing video games, watching tv, and going hunting. He doesn't clean the house, he doesn't look for jobs, he's been offered jobs he says he'll apply to and never does, etc.

Everytime I complain about financial stress, his response is "we'll figure it out, we always do." My problem is, I don't want to just figure it out. I want to be comfortable. I have a LOT of mental health issues and this stress just makes things ten times worse.

Another thing, when I bring up how he needs to find a job, or complain that he doesn't work, he instead throws it in my face that I didn't work for a short period in between the few jobs I had and doordash. I'm not perfect in this and can and try to do better, but that's the issue, I'm TRYING. He's not even attempting to. I took care of him for over 2 years of our relationship and now that I'm not currently working full time like I was, he's using that as a rebuttal for our arguments about money.

I can't even talk to him because he turns it around on me or gets upset and walks away. He won't talk to me. He has no sense of independence, he is lazy, and seems to just not want to work or do anything with his life.

It's taking a toll on our relationship and myself in general. I don't want to live like this anymore. What can I say or do to try to talk sense in him? What should I do if he doesn't listen or doesn't try? Please, I'm desperate. I don't want to live like this anymore and I feel like I'm running out of solutions.

OP posts:
Pinkchocolate · 15/12/2021 19:42

Run run run! Seriously, this was one of my deal breakers when I was dating. Your situation won’t change. Someone shouldn’t need talking into getting a job, it’s just standard living for most. Leave and find yourself someone who is like you (not work-shy, lazy and always has an excuse).

outdooryone · 15/12/2021 19:42

You're better than this OP. You sound a hard worker, someone prepared to do what it takes and have some things in life you want.

He doesn't.

I watched a school friend go down this route. It's pure laziness to expect the world to come to you, for every paid job to somehow be about your enjoyment, and for everything to be an excuse to quit. That was 30 years ago - and he's still not working, still living off the state and scamming what he can, when he can.

Original poster
Lynns3742 · 15/12/2021 19:44

Thank you all. I think I need to also clarify that he did pay our rent between ill say may and September because i was in between jobs and hit a really depressed stage in that time frame, I regretted quitting my full time job and couldn't get it back so there was a lot of self loathing. The only way he made money then was selling things. Now that he has nothing to sell, we're broker than broke. So now, in his mind, just because he's paid rent those several months that life is just "figuring it out." We don't even have food. There was a point where I lost almost 10 pounds in 2 weeks from not eating a lot cause neither of us had the money for food. That's what made me decide to do delivery driving. It's not crazy money but it's something to put food in ours and our dogs stomachs. He always has JUST enough money for rent and dog food and never anything else. Hell, even my own mother has been paying for his car insurance since June.
A big part of everything is I do feel guilty. I understand I'm doing at least a little work and I have been applying to many more jobs and worked more than he has. But I probably could try harder and he did help.
I get frustrated though when he throws the fact that I don't have the most sustainable job in my face, because he in fact told me not to worry about forcing myself to just work anywhere and to take my time finding a job. He made me believe we'd be okay. It's just that now, I'm realizing we probably will never be if this continues.

OP posts:
PrincessPaws · 15/12/2021 19:44

OP to be blunt he is just a work shy loser. NO-ONE wants to work in a job they don't like, but a lot of people do because they need money to live. Of course no work will compete with spending all day everyday doing what he fancies

He is never going to have a work ethic, you are always going to have to do battle with him randomly walking out of jobs because he's bored/he didn't like it/someone looked at him funny which means he couldn't possibly stay. Even worse, you are the only one that will ever expend any energy 'figuring it out' because there is definitely no 'we' in that.

Ditch him, live in freedom or find someone that doesn't believe that living like an overgrown teen is a valid lifestyle choice for an adult

PlanetNormal · 15/12/2021 19:47

He made me believe we'd be okay. It's just that now, I'm realizing we probably will never be if this continues.

Nothing will EVER be ok for as long as you stay with this loser. Dump him, today.

BSJohnson · 15/12/2021 19:48

Is he hunting for food, or sport?

Original poster
Lynns3742 · 15/12/2021 19:50

He hunts for food but wasn't so lucky this year.

OP posts:
Suprima · 15/12/2021 19:52

@Lynns3742

I'm 26 and my boyfriend of 3 and and a half years is 27. To get straight to the point, my boyfriend is currently not working and has not kept a job for longer than a few months his entire life and the entire time we've been together thus far.

I can count on 1 hand the number of jobs he's had since we've been together. His excuse is always "I don't want to work somewhere I don't like" and I completely understand that and feel the same way, but the issue is, he's not eveb trying nor is he giving anything a chance.

The problem is, he says he'll apply to jobs and then NEVER does. He tells me he won't even attempt to try certain jobs because he doesn't think he'll like them. I don't even remember the last time he had a job. I believe it's been since April of this year.

I had a job long term as a manager that I loved but I quit that in February because the new manager was awful and my mental health couldn't take it anymore. Since then I've had a few jobs and I apply to jobs all the time and I'm doing doordash as well to make up for it the best I can. So I know I'm not exactly one to talk but I TRY, I've worked, I try to do what I can.

Our living situation has been taking a turn for the worst lately. My cousin is my tenant so we luckily only pay $200 for rent which is fantastic and bills are fairly cheap too. It's just hard because we have 2 large breed dogs and neither of us have full time jobs so between bills, pets, food, and gas for vehicles, we are struggling bad.

I'm doing what I can to apply to jobs. I'm working full time doing doordash when I can, but my boyfriend barely tries. He even has a doordash driver account and when I ask if he wants to do it together, he tells me he's not in the mood. Mind you, while I'm doing all this, he spends allllll day playing video games, watching tv, and going hunting. He doesn't clean the house, he doesn't look for jobs, he's been offered jobs he says he'll apply to and never does, etc.

Everytime I complain about financial stress, his response is "we'll figure it out, we always do." My problem is, I don't want to just figure it out. I want to be comfortable. I have a LOT of mental health issues and this stress just makes things ten times worse.

Another thing, when I bring up how he needs to find a job, or complain that he doesn't work, he instead throws it in my face that I didn't work for a short period in between the few jobs I had and doordash. I'm not perfect in this and can and try to do better, but that's the issue, I'm TRYING. He's not even attempting to. I took care of him for over 2 years of our relationship and now that I'm not currently working full time like I was, he's using that as a rebuttal for our arguments about money.

I can't even talk to him because he turns it around on me or gets upset and walks away. He won't talk to me. He has no sense of independence, he is lazy, and seems to just not want to work or do anything with his life.

It's taking a toll on our relationship and myself in general. I don't want to live like this anymore. What can I say or do to try to talk sense in him? What should I do if he doesn't listen or doesn't try? Please, I'm desperate. I don't want to live like this anymore and I feel like I'm running out of solutions.

This man literally doesn’t deserve sex or female companionship in his life

You let this loser be intimate with you?

You are 26. Bin him

NameChangeCity123 · 15/12/2021 19:53

He's not your boyfriend. He's the guy who's letting you pay for everything. You can do better. He will make the same tired excuses his whole life and will never find the right job cause he just doesn't want to work. He doesn't have to work cause everyone else is keeping him and he's not doing without anything. I once heard the phrase 'when people show you who they are, believe them' and this seems apt here

2bazookas · 15/12/2021 19:54

There is no point talking to him; he's not going to change. Ever.

Chuck him, at least you'll save on the food heating and laundry costs.

I bet you've been paying for him to run a car too

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 15/12/2021 19:55

There is nothing you can say, or do to change him. You’ve been supporting him for 2 years. This is who he is. There are no solutions.

You’ve got to realise that you aren’t saying the wrong thing, he isn’t going to suddenly wake up and change his entire habits. He doesn’t want to work and he is happy with you enabling him not to. Changing your words or your behaviour isn’t going to change this.

You have to leave. This isn’t sustainable. What on earth keeps you there?

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/12/2021 19:56

A lazy bum is not attractive to me. I would get rid of him as hard as it may be

Treacletoots · 15/12/2021 19:56

Why are your standards for a relationship so low OP?

You already know what you need to do. But first you need to know why you've been tolerating this for so long? Pick your self respect up off the floor and get this sponging cock lodger out of your house.

He. Won't. Change.

DukeofEarlGrey · 15/12/2021 19:58

I had a boyfriend like this at your age and stayed with him until early 30s - it never changed and not only did it become increasingly corrosive over time, but I also became desensitised to it and started to feel like it was my role to support him. I wish I had ended it much, much sooner.

MarshmallowSwede · 15/12/2021 20:00

Please get out of this relationship! You deserve better. This man is lazy and selfish and him sitting around playing video games while you work your fingers to the bone is not a healthy or good relationship.

And so what you had a short period of not working. You are working now and trying your best while this shiftless loser sits around on his ass all day.

No. No … tell him to pack his things and to be out of your place immediately. He doesn’t pay anything because he has no money, so he needs to find somewhere else to free load off of.

Why be with a man who is ok with seeing you struggle to get by?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 15/12/2021 20:02

There is plenty of unskilled work available. He could work if he wanted to.
So your question is how do I persuade a grown-adult to behave like one when they really don’t want to?
You can’t. No one can. You need to stop trying and leave him.

TillyTopper · 15/12/2021 20:07

You can't talk him into getting and keeping a job. You probably need to dump him and move on - sorry to be blunt but that's what I'd do.

Iamanicepersonreally · 15/12/2021 20:09

He's an overgrown child. He's not going to change. Get rid of him

emmetgirl · 15/12/2021 20:10

Get rid.

CheshireKitten123 · 15/12/2021 20:11

Another vote for dumping this lazy loser.

Akire · 15/12/2021 20:13

Why isn’t he claiming basic state benefits? It it because he’s not worked enough in last 2y? Or because job centre will want see serious 40h a week job hunting action?

How much savings does he have if he can keep paying the rent? Sounds v odd

Animood · 15/12/2021 20:13

You're very young. If you leave now you have a long long time to find someone else to be with and have kids wfh (if that's what you want).

To give you an idea of the standards people have when it comes to a partners job / finances:

  • someone who has a stable job.
  • someone who will discuss leaving a job without another one to go to / who would be unwilling to quit a job without another lined up except in extreme circumstances
  • someone who has savings set aside for an emergency.
  • someone who would share the financial burden of life with you.
  • someone who will discuss any concerns you have about finances
  • someone who wants to make your life better and easier.
  • someone who has ambition about where they want their career to go.
firstimemamma · 15/12/2021 20:14

Another LTB vote from me op. Do you want children? Imagine what kind of father he'd make. Useless. Best to leave now and start afresh.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 15/12/2021 20:19

Get rid! Immediately!

Regularsizedrudy · 15/12/2021 20:19

Leave him and stop being a mug