How can I and should I talk my boyfriend into getting a job?

[Lynns3742]

I'm 26 and my boyfriend of 3 and and a half years is 27. To get straight to the point, my boyfriend is currently not working and has not kept a job for longer than a few months his entire life and the entire time we've been together thus far.

I can count on 1 hand the number of jobs he's had since we've been together. His excuse is always "I don't want to work somewhere I don't like" and I completely understand that and feel the same way, but the issue is, he's not eveb trying nor is he giving anything a chance.

The problem is, he says he'll apply to jobs and then NEVER does. He tells me he won't even attempt to try certain jobs because he doesn't think he'll like them. I don't even remember the last time he had a job. I believe it's been since April of this year.

I had a job long term as a manager that I loved but I quit that in February because the new manager was awful and my mental health couldn't take it anymore. Since then I've had a few jobs and I apply to jobs all the time and I'm doing doordash as well to make up for it the best I can. So I know I'm not exactly one to talk but I TRY, I've worked, I try to do what I can.

Our living situation has been taking a turn for the worst lately. My cousin is my tenant so we luckily only pay $200 for rent which is fantastic and bills are fairly cheap too. It's just hard because we have 2 large breed dogs and neither of us have full time jobs so between bills, pets, food, and gas for vehicles, we are struggling bad.

I'm doing what I can to apply to jobs. I'm working full time doing doordash when I can, but my boyfriend barely tries. He even has a doordash driver account and when I ask if he wants to do it together, he tells me he's not in the mood. Mind you, while I'm doing all this, he spends allllll day playing video games, watching tv, and going hunting. He doesn't clean the house, he doesn't look for jobs, he's been offered jobs he says he'll apply to and never does, etc.

Everytime I complain about financial stress, his response is "we'll figure it out, we always do." My problem is, I don't want to just figure it out. I want to be comfortable. I have a LOT of mental health issues and this stress just makes things ten times worse.

Another thing, when I bring up how he needs to find a job, or complain that he doesn't work, he instead throws it in my face that I didn't work for a short period in between the few jobs I had and doordash. I'm not perfect in this and can and try to do better, but that's the issue, I'm TRYING. He's not even attempting to. I took care of him for over 2 years of our relationship and now that I'm not currently working full time like I was, he's using that as a rebuttal for our arguments about money.

I can't even talk to him because he turns it around on me or gets upset and walks away. He won't talk to me. He has no sense of independence, he is lazy, and seems to just not want to work or do anything with his life.

It's taking a toll on our relationship and myself in general. I don't want to live like this anymore. What can I say or do to try to talk sense in him? What should I do if he doesn't listen or doesn't try? Please, I'm desperate. I don't want to live like this anymore and I feel like I'm running out of solutions.

@Salayes

I’m sorry but this situation can be resolved very easily once you accept when he says - "we'll figure it out, we always do.". what he is actually saying is “You’ll pay for me, you always do.”

It’s as simple as that. He doesn’t work because he doesn’t have to. You might moan but you end up paying for him to continue to be a teenager in attitude and so long as you keep on doing that he has no reason to change.

This. He's a cocklodger, you're supporting him because you're his new mum and he's a 14yo boy.

You are young and obviously bright - he is a complete waste of space and will drag you down with him. Does he smoke weed by any chance?

Quite simply OP. Get another boyfriend. You have a cocklodger on your hands

Good God love, please make him leave your place and start having a life. Do not get pregnant with this man child

Dump
He is a waste of space
Clearly does not want to work and contribute

Another one here saying get the fuck out. Please.

Lazy, entitled fucker! Dump him and move on. Your life will be hell if you stay with him. He won't change.

Blimey, your Mum pays a grown man's insurance? What a Prince he is, has he no self respect?
He's a loser, you know it and your Mum knows it. Get rid

He's pig lazy and selfish. Stay with him if you want to be miserable but if you want anything to change in your life get rid of him. It's your choice.

@Skeumorph

You get out.

Please please PLEASE get out.

That really is all there is to it.

He won't change, and if you stay with him and have children with him, this will be your whole life. You running around disappearing up your own backside working and sorting and worrying, while he sits on his arse. Oh and you'll somehow end up doing all the childcare too, despite him no doubt morphing immediately into 'stay at home dad' the second a baby is born. And that will make you cry too, because he will do the bare minimum there, too - and you'll come home from a 12 hour shift dog-tired, to see an unwashed, unfed baby staring at the tv while the breakfast dishes wait for you to do them, and then cook. Again.

YOU WILL WRECK YOUR LIFE IF YOU STAY WITH HIM.

The alternative - you leave now. You find someone with some drive, sense of achievement, someone who WANTS to do something interesting with their life, someone who WANTS to be active and engaged. Someone who will pull you forward with them, instead of dragging you down.

Leave leave leave leave.

Do some searches on 'lazy DH' 'how do I get him to change' 'unmotivated DH' etc etc to see some of the miserable stories on here.

Then leave.

Excellent post

What possible benefit could he bring to your life?

Get rid. Now. If he’s not bringing any money in then you won’t be any worse off financially.

Why would you possibly let him stay?

If/when he tries to manipulate you with the dogs either make sure they are rehomed via a reputable
Breed charity if you can’t look after their on your own or call his bluff and he’ll figure out pretty quickly he can’t afford them

Honestly OP this is THAT moment where you can decide to make better choices, work on yourself and have a better life.

I don't know why I'm with him guys. Part of it is it's my first long term/committed relationship. Another is I have a very very low sense of self worth and wonder if I could ever do any better. I'm actually going to therapy starting next week too which is nice.
To answer another question, yes he is a frequent pot smoker too.

he won't change. He will always be on the sofa playing video games while you work 3 jobs to pay the bills, because working is simply too good for him and not something he fancies doing,

If this is not how you want your future to look like, you have to leave.

wonder if I could ever do any better.

you would immediately do better if you didn't have to also feed another adult..

Don’t bother. Just dump him. He will never change and you will end up dragging his sponging carcass around behind you forever.

You would have to try very very hard to do worse

Being single would be one million times better than being with him

I would dump him purely for being too thick to work out why adults need to earn a wage

You sound like a bright girl and I hope the therapy works for you. He is a lazy fucker and free loader. Will never change. Get rid.

He is using you as a cash cow.

As for doing any better? Come on. No he isn’t violent. But he is lazy, unappreciative and has no respect either for you or for himself.
Doing better than that isn’t going to be hard!

@Lynns3742

I don't know why I'm with him guys. Part of it is it's my first long term/committed relationship. Another is I have a very very low sense of self worth and wonder if I could ever do any better. I'm actually going to therapy starting next week too which is nice. To answer another question, yes he is a frequent pot smoker too.

Not in the slightest but surprised he's a pot-head (but given your tales of going hungry find this particularly vile). You will be far better off on your own financially, mentally & emotionally. Have therapy, work on your self-esteem but there is literally no point in any of that with him still dragging you down. Have you ever discussed separating? If you end it, do you think he'll actually leave? I suspect you might need some help getting him out but absolutely no question that he must go.

He’s a lazy, good-for-nothing loser and he’s not going to change.
Give him his marching orders.

Funny how men like him find money for drugs isn't it? Almost as if they prioritise drugs over their partner eating? That's literally what he's doing OP.

He cares more about having pot to smoke than he does about you having enough to eat or your dogs having the best quality of life they can have.

What would happen if you, or even the dogs needed medical care? It sounds like you might be in the states, so I'm assuming both those scenarios would be very expensive?

Two adults capable of working should both be working. It's kind of that simple. He isn't even doing the bare minimum.

It's absolutely ridiculous to tie yourself to a man like this for even one day longer than you already have.

Especially if you want to be a mum one day. If you do, you would be utterly irresponsible to have children with a man (overgrown boy) like this.

Youre young and motivated, and despite struggling with your mental health you are clearly resourceful.
Your boyfriend on the other hand is a freeloader and a pisstaker.
I think if you stay with this guy youll stay poor and miserable forever.

I guess you live in USA as you referred to dollars. Please leave him.