Throwing and kicking things

[RaisedByPangolins]

I ended my relationship of 9 years because - not for the first time - my DP kicked an item across the kitchen in anger.

It had started because I was a bit cross that he wasn’t helping me. I was prepping a big meal for both our families, had been working all of the previous day, then a 4 hr night shift, had 4 hrs sleep and then spent the day cooking. When he arrived at my house at 5pm we went out for food and then came back to finish the last few bits. He said “get someone to make you tea” and went to watch TV.

Now his take on it is that he’d previously offered to take on more of the jobs but I’d said I was ok doing it myself. He was cooking the turkey and the potatoes and bringing them over the next morning.

So anyway. I was a bit snarky and said he could have at least made me a drink, that I’m exhausted and doing all of this for HIS family as well as mine. This escalated to me “always causing arguments”, why am I such a downer etc and I called him a lazy twat, which I know isn’t ok.

I took some time out and he threatened not to bother doing the turkey the next day, so I went to the shop to buy my own turkey just in case.

Came back and some nasty comments ensued about it being “rag week” and when I pointed out that I’m on HRT (& struggling with that, which he knows, recently doubled my dose as I’m having major anxiety and lots of horrid physical symptoms of menopause) and don’t have a “time of the month”, that this ‘period’ has been going on for weeks, he mocked my voice and rolled his eyes at me, said that explains a lot and then kicked the fan across the kitchen.

I told him to get out and never come back. My kids were upset and even DS1 (ASD) gave me a hug, which says a lot!

Sorry that’s a ramble but just to give you a bit of background.

Anyway, everyone I’ve told this to, through tears and cracked voice has asked “is there no way you can work it out?” Or even “isn’t this the kind of thing you’ll laugh about in a couple of weeks?”.

So I guess I’m wondering is the contempt about periods and menopause really acceptable? And is everyone else ok with someone kicking their stuff around and breaking it?

Things haven’t been right in a lot of other ways too, so I know it’s the right decision to split, but I know in his mind I’ve dumped him because he didn’t make me tea. Whereas to me, it’s just a fundamental lack of respect and support. And fwiw I know I don’t respect him either for calling him lazy and for not communicating my needs better.

Why would you want to get past being treated with contempt? He cant even rustle up a half deccent apology, all he's done is go running to other people with a story about how hard done by he is.
The people asking you to forgive him don't have to live with him, they've chosen to believe his crocodile tears, and that this is about you not getting a cup of tea.

Obviously this is only a snap shot of your relationship, however breaking and kicking things is a deal breasted for me. Plus your child witnessed this violence which makes it so much worse.
Your relationship sounds toxic and volatile as you much breaking up before more the once.
It might be worth you doing the freedom program and stepping out dating for whole so you can work out your boundaries and focus on your DC.

@Thelnebriati

Why would you want to get past being treated with contempt? He cant even rustle up a half deccent apology, all he's done is go running to other people with a story about how hard done by he is. The people asking you to forgive him don't have to live with him, they've chosen to believe his crocodile tears, and that this is about you not getting a cup of tea.

He absolutely hasn’t apologised - except to say sorry for breaking your fan when I dropped a load of his stuff off at his house. I was all puffy eyed and said I don’t want to end up crying before work and he said “I don’t know why you’re upset, you caused this” and referred to my “arbitrary line” about not wanting things kicked or thrown around. He knows this is a firm and unmoving line - not an arbitrary one. It’s almost like he wanted to push it as far as he could to see what happened if he crossed that line. Like a toddler pushing his toy off the edge of the table and then blaming someone else because it broke.

Yea definitely not dating for a while, if ever again @Devon1987

I have done the freedom programme - when we broke up many years ago - however it clearly didn’t stick. We ended up back together - he didn’t even make any big promises about it not happening again, I just kind of wished hard and it seemed to be ok in that department for many years. This came as a shock, as I really thought this behaviour was in the past.

But yes, definitely toxic on many levels.

Bump

You clearly want to end this really!! So just leave. X

Unfortunately lots of people don't understand or have the capacity to recognise abuse. And some people are experiencing it themselves so think it's normal. Hence the unhelpful comments you received.

There is nothing acceptable about what you've been experiencing, and leaving is the right thing to do.

he said “I don’t know why you’re upset, you caused this” and referred to my “arbitrary line” about not wanting things kicked or thrown around. He knows this is a firm and unmoving line - not an arbitrary one. It’s almost like he wanted to push it as far as he could to see what happened if he crossed that line.

This is part of the abuse, you know? It's about power and control, not the individual 'incidents'.

You have done the right thing, I want you to know that. For yourself and for your child.

He can spin it how he likes but no one who matters will believe him. And for your own sanity - stay away from the flying monkeys.

🍷🍷

I would flat out act people why they think bullying, contempt and abuse have any place in a relationship. I don't have the patience for people who excuse it. Fair enough if they don't have have full story but if they know the way he has treated you for years, they should be patting you on the back and congratulating you.

I certainly will. Well done you for removing tray mindfucking, contemptuous, aggressive arse wipe from your home and your life. Keep him gone. And make damn sure the people in your life know they have to have your back 100 percent moving forwards or they'll be getting the heave ho too. Because there's no excuse for abuse. Or people who excuse it.

*flat out ask peope

It's so easy for men to point to menopause, PMS, etc as being to blame. When in fact, women spend the rest of the time doing all the compromising, forgiving, letting things slide. Putting up with crap. It's like suddenly you get the hormone rush you need to say no, I'm not putting up with this. Your response might have been emotional, or more extreme than usual, but that's because the situation is more extreme than usual. He is absolutely being abusive, and he was using your exhausted state as a good opportunity for a little boundary-smashing.
Well done for holding the line. Tell all the flying monkeys that it was just the final straw and you are sick of making excuses for him.

You made the right decision to end it. He sounds awful.

You've had enough. You finally cracked. Don't take him back.

Thank you for those comments - it’s been making me feel like I was over reacting or going mad, that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. So to at least hear that this isn’t normal behaviour has helped me to feel better about my decision.

And yes. I do want it to end. But I also don’t want it I because I love him and he’s so thoughtful and kind and loving the rest of the time. But I know that’s part of it too. That’s what makes it so hard and what’s kept me going back for 9 years. Just that hope that he’d realise what he’s doing to me and just stop it.

I know I’m not blameless too. I have my own issues with lack of trust and wanting more than he’s in a position to give, which also causes a lot of trouble. It was just wrong from the outset - I wasn’t what he wanted, but he settled for me because of how much I loved him. Like I’m a mirror reflecting back to him how wonderful he is. And the minute I reflect something less wonderful then he gets cross, because what’s the point of a mirror that doesn’t show you in your best light?

Stop thinking or caring about what he says or his attitude to all of this. smile sweetly and turn away. He will never get it while he has a hole in his arse.

In reality he knows that what happened was the culmination of a heap of other stuff but in order to carry on abusing you he must stick with his own line.

Stop caring. He's a dick.

It has made it easier to stick to my decision tbh knowing that he will never take responsibility. If he’d apologised and promised to do better I may well have caved - and he’d probably say the same too. But we both held our positions steadfastly so maybe that’s a sign that it’s 100% run it’s course.

I kind of want him to ‘get it’ - why it’s so intimidating and scary for me when he kicks off. And he actually mentioned how his dad had done similar recently and he’d found it really uncomfortable and not known what to do. Just sort of froze, and smiled nervously, and referred to how his DC must feel when he does it. So he does get it doesn’t he. But it doesn’t matter. Because it’s just me.

You are very self aware but you are much harder on yourself than you are on him. I'm sure he's perfectly lovely while you are following his script, but I bet it doesn't take long for the mask to slip if you dare to voice anything critical. Don't you want to be more than his mirror mirror on the wall? Somebody's second best? How do you even know that he's "settled" for you, did he let you know that? Don't your DC deserve a home without this awful example of adult relationship?

Honestly OP you have done the best thing for yourself and DC.

Those who try to minimise it - just ask them if they are happy for their children this kind of aggression and abuse!

He's taking the piss out of you for having standards - for actually having some self esteem and saying he had crossed the line.

I know you are cross with yourself for taking him back, but something about the Freedom Programme obviously stuck, because you did it, and you know you were right.

Just think how much nicer your Christmas will be without him!

I know I’m not blameless too. I have my own issues with lack of trust and wanting more than he’s in a position to give, which also causes a lot of trouble. It was just wrong from the outset - I wasn’t what he wanted, but he settled for me because of how much I loved him.

Lack of trust would have been overcome by him consistently behaving in a way that inspires trust - so not your fault. HIS problem.
Wanting more - what, like love and respect? That is the BARE MINIMUM you are entitled to in a relationship. Again, the problem is HIS.
Not what he wanted - such a shame that Emily Ratajkowski is married but we all have life's little disappointments! That's HIS problem.

But it sounds as if this time you are more determined to keep it ended. And next year you will have half the people to cook for, win.

I kind of want him to ‘get it’ - why it’s so intimidating and scary for me when he kicks off.

He does get it. That's why he does it.

And you don't have to be a perfect human being yourself in order to deserve better than abuse. Nobody is perfect, that doesn't mean it's ok for anyone to hurt or control them.

You can do the Freedom Programme more than once, if you think it would help you with processing things. It can be a lot to absorb first time around.

Grief is natural when anything ends - even if the grief is more for what you wish it could have been than what it was - just be gentle with yourself and ride it out.

Abuse is a really tough cycle to break free from - don't be so hard on yourself about that.

Thank you

the grief is more for what you wish it could have been than what it was. The grief is also for what it was 95% of the time. But that 5% was just not something I could tolerate any longer . And maybe that’s because my ‘nurturing’ hormones are fucked and I’ve reached that point in life where I don’t want to have to parent a grown adult into behaving better. I think part of me felt he’d grow up at some point, but by mid 40s if he’s still unable to have a normal little disagreement, without it descending into this, it’s never going change is it.

Am very startled at your friends/family suggesting you try and work it out. Why? Do they just think it’s better to be with anyone than no one??

Anyway you sound absolutely done and you have every reason to be, throwing things and being disrespectful is not what you want in a partner, and if it’s being going on this long there is no chance of it changing.

Well done for calling it, and try and focus on the future.

Think of the harm he has inflicted on your children seeing their mother being abused.
Hopefully that will keep you from going back to him again

@Luredbyapomegranate

Am very startled at your friends/family suggesting you try and work it out. Why? Do they just think it’s better to be with anyone than no one??

Anyway you sound absolutely done and you have every reason to be, throwing things and being disrespectful is not what you want in a partner, and if it’s being going on this long there is no chance of it changing.

Well done for calling it, and try and focus on the future.

I assume that the Ops family only see the charming side of him. But they don’t have to live with him.