Throwing and kicking things

[RaisedByPangolins]

I ended my relationship of 9 years because - not for the first time - my DP kicked an item across the kitchen in anger.

It had started because I was a bit cross that he wasn’t helping me. I was prepping a big meal for both our families, had been working all of the previous day, then a 4 hr night shift, had 4 hrs sleep and then spent the day cooking. When he arrived at my house at 5pm we went out for food and then came back to finish the last few bits. He said “get someone to make you tea” and went to watch TV.

Now his take on it is that he’d previously offered to take on more of the jobs but I’d said I was ok doing it myself. He was cooking the turkey and the potatoes and bringing them over the next morning.

So anyway. I was a bit snarky and said he could have at least made me a drink, that I’m exhausted and doing all of this for HIS family as well as mine. This escalated to me “always causing arguments”, why am I such a downer etc and I called him a lazy twat, which I know isn’t ok.

I took some time out and he threatened not to bother doing the turkey the next day, so I went to the shop to buy my own turkey just in case.

Came back and some nasty comments ensued about it being “rag week” and when I pointed out that I’m on HRT (& struggling with that, which he knows, recently doubled my dose as I’m having major anxiety and lots of horrid physical symptoms of menopause) and don’t have a “time of the month”, that this ‘period’ has been going on for weeks, he mocked my voice and rolled his eyes at me, said that explains a lot and then kicked the fan across the kitchen.

I told him to get out and never come back. My kids were upset and even DS1 (ASD) gave me a hug, which says a lot!

Sorry that’s a ramble but just to give you a bit of background.

Anyway, everyone I’ve told this to, through tears and cracked voice has asked “is there no way you can work it out?” Or even “isn’t this the kind of thing you’ll laugh about in a couple of weeks?”.

So I guess I’m wondering is the contempt about periods and menopause really acceptable? And is everyone else ok with someone kicking their stuff around and breaking it?

Things haven’t been right in a lot of other ways too, so I know it’s the right decision to split, but I know in his mind I’ve dumped him because he didn’t make me tea. Whereas to me, it’s just a fundamental lack of respect and support. And fwiw I know I don’t respect him either for calling him lazy and for not communicating my needs better.

Sorry you have people around you who don’t understand and are being unsupportive.
Please stop blaming yourself in any way whatsoever. His behaviour is appalling. No he isn’t going to change. All you can do is save yourself from further abuse (which is what this is).

@Christmascakecakecheese

The rag week stuff is so rude and dismissive. I know it's a cliché but some men really could use a week of a bad period and see how they get on!

I wouldn’t mind but I’ve never even really had bad periods myself!

He said it every time we argued and I guess like a stopped clock he was bound to be right sometimes (especially as he counted the week before AND the week of as ‘that time of the month’ despite me telling him that most women don’t have the emotional upheaval DURING fucking ‘rag week’ as he charmingly put it)

One time I’d waited 75 days for my period to arrive, which it finally did on holiday and when we had words about something he threw the rag week comment at me again. I literally started packing my case to go and get myself a separate room as I was so pissed off that he’d done it again, and told him if he didn’t apologise properly for being so unpleasant that he’d spend the rest of the week alone. Then that makes me look overly emotional. But I was just so over being told the same thing every single time.

He KNEW how angry it would make me to dismiss my feelings like that. And yet he did it again and again and again. (Revelation - that was the point wasn’t it!)

@FictionalCharacter I do blame myself because I’m human and I know I’ve not always been easy to live with.

I will have days when I’m down or irritable, as will he. I have a chronic illness which makes me feel a bit crappy sometimes and he’s always been very supportive and caring, bringing dinner over and plumping my cushions, buying me back massagers etc I can’t fault him when he’s being nice, he’s super kind and generous. That’s why it’s so hard to square that guy with the aggressive and disrespectful monster that appears when he’s cross.

I feel like I pushed him to the end of his tether. And I know that at that point he should have walked away, not been verbally abusive and physically aggressive. But I’m certainly not blameless.

@RaisedByPangolins Nope, you’re not to blame, it’s him. You didn’t “push him to the end of his tether”. I’ve just read your OP again and if you really blame yourself, your expectations of him are very low. The rag week comment, mocking your voice, eye rolling are just horrible. In your reply to @Christmascakecakecheese you acknowledge that he goads you with this every time.
He’s a Jekyll and Hyde of a man like many others - sweet and kind when he wants to be, cruel and nasty when he wants to be. You being grumpy is no excuse for him to kick off - we’re all grumpy at times as are our partners, you ride it out without being nasty or throwing a tantrum.
Please don’t fall into the trap of believing that if only you were more of a doormat, he wouldn’t do or say these horrible things. It’s never true.

Thank you. That made me cry. I know you’re right.

I’m so sorry. This must be so painful.

It’s still abuse, even if you are not a saint.

Even less then perfect woman deserve to live a life free of contempt and cruelty. Especially when it comes from your partner who is supposed to love you .

I hope you're not still going to host him and his family

He sounds horrid, and like you said about a stopped clock and your periods, it's the same with him. Occasionally he will be nice, funny and kind. But you e already expressed to him how hurtful you find his 'rag week' comments, yet he chooses to use exactly that in an argument, because he now KNOWS how awful it makes you feel. He's cruel and unkind and not worth your tears op.

No, didn’t host his family. But it meant I had to let everyone know that it was off.

I noticed a FaceTime call from him at midnight the night it happened so I don’t know if he thought he could salvage things at that point, but I was already asleep ready for the busy day ahead, and didn’t bother calling him back.

It would have been the first time in 9 years that all of our siblings had met. Shows you how seriously he took this relationship really. I used to daydream about a small family wedding and a life together, but the whole time I feel like he didn’t really want the same thing. I guess I should be glad at this point that it’s so easy to untangle. I dropped off a few of his clothes and hid some sentimental ornaments and that was it, over.

I noticed afterwards that he’d also broken a personalised Lego Xmas ornament I’d had made with little mini figures of us inside. Clearly shaken it so the figures came unstuck from the bauble. Feel stupidly upset about that tbh.

What's really wrong about the rag week comment is the implication that there is nothing wrong, or he hasn't do e or said anything wrong, the whole problem is you and your hormones. He's telling you that your perception of reality is all wrong because of your hormones.

This is gaslighting. It's him refusing to take responsibility for something he has said or done that has no place on a living relationship.

It does feel absolutely dismissive. Like my feelings are not real, just fake due to my stupid lady hormones 50% of the time.

But then I read on here about women who do say they get premenstrual rage etc and it makes me feel like I must be missing something. At the time I’m just mildly upset by something but by the end of the argument I can be at panic attack level - it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy, he accuses me of being irrational and hormonal, and I end up being irrational.

Just rereading these posts and I’m so thankful to all of you for the encouragement to stand by my decision.

Two months on and I’m still crying every day and doubting myself, but reading this has helped to remind me how I felt at the time. I stupidly sent him a message on a sad anniversary a few weeks ago, which he thanked me for. But otherwise have not spoken to each other at all. He’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing at night. . But I do feel a bit more distant from him. When photos pop up on my phone I don’t feel like he’s ‘my person’ anymore.

I’ve just got a new job, which will get me out of the house, and hopefully making some friends. And will keep my mind occupied all day too.

I still have a fantasy that he will realise how awful he was to me and feel so guilty that he begs forgiveness and accepts my boundaries. Won’t happen.

Just realised I NCed since then.

Good for you, OP. You've done the right thing and the year will get better and better as it goes on. Good luck with the new job!

Thank you Scribbling - fingers crossed!

When you wake up, put the radio on.Tons of bad shit going on in the world will distract you for a few mins.

Get the coffee on.

Have a loud freedom-piss in his general direction.

Fag if you smoke.

Punch the sweet-smelling air.

Memo to yourself: Periods rock...

Love it! Thank you - radio is a good shout actually - I need to start setting alarms for my new job so will get a clock radio to wake up to, rather than my phone.

You deserve better....x

Thank you Bogeyes. I veer between believing this, to being worried that maybe there isn’t better out there for me. I keep going over all the ways I could have done better and been better and thinking maybe if I’d just done xyz differently it wouldn’t have come to this. I KNOW I didn’t cause this, but I also know I didn’t help. And then I read the posts about cheats and liars and alcoholics and just think maybe he wasn’t so bad. I’m struggling to reconcile the two sides of him.

@Christmascakecakecheese

The rag week stuff is so rude and dismissive. I know it's a cliché but some men really could use a week of a bad period and see how they get on!

They’d never cope .

Good for you, OP! It will get easier in time. No relationship can survive one partner treating the other with contempt.

That’s the word isn’t it. Just total contempt for me as a person and for women in general. But then he’ll bang on about his wonderful mum and Nan and DDs and it just seems that unless she’s biologically related to her a woman is deemed crazy and illogical. I know I’m well off out of it, but I just miss the nice him. The funny one who would be driving me out to the supermarket about now to find me some nice pudding or rubbing my feet while we watch TV.

Unless she’s biologically related to him

I know. But the nice parts can't make up for the contempt.

There are better lives out there than living with that kind of partner. But it's ok to need time to grieve.

Thank you. It is absolutely grief. I lost both my parents within a couple of years and I also divorced the dad of my DCs. This is so much worse (feel awful saying that, as obviously I was very upset about my parents) but I think the difference with all of them is that I had some warning. By the time it happened I was ready.

With this we were apparently blissfully happy one day and then over the next. And while there were warning signs all along, we’d talked about him buying me a ring a few weeks before this, we were supposed to be spending the next day with all our families and it felt like the relationship was moving forward a tiny bit. And then bam. It’s over.