Throwing and kicking things

[RaisedByPangolins]

I ended my relationship of 9 years because - not for the first time - my DP kicked an item across the kitchen in anger.

It had started because I was a bit cross that he wasn’t helping me. I was prepping a big meal for both our families, had been working all of the previous day, then a 4 hr night shift, had 4 hrs sleep and then spent the day cooking. When he arrived at my house at 5pm we went out for food and then came back to finish the last few bits. He said “get someone to make you tea” and went to watch TV.

Now his take on it is that he’d previously offered to take on more of the jobs but I’d said I was ok doing it myself. He was cooking the turkey and the potatoes and bringing them over the next morning.

So anyway. I was a bit snarky and said he could have at least made me a drink, that I’m exhausted and doing all of this for HIS family as well as mine. This escalated to me “always causing arguments”, why am I such a downer etc and I called him a lazy twat, which I know isn’t ok.

I took some time out and he threatened not to bother doing the turkey the next day, so I went to the shop to buy my own turkey just in case.

Came back and some nasty comments ensued about it being “rag week” and when I pointed out that I’m on HRT (& struggling with that, which he knows, recently doubled my dose as I’m having major anxiety and lots of horrid physical symptoms of menopause) and don’t have a “time of the month”, that this ‘period’ has been going on for weeks, he mocked my voice and rolled his eyes at me, said that explains a lot and then kicked the fan across the kitchen.

I told him to get out and never come back. My kids were upset and even DS1 (ASD) gave me a hug, which says a lot!

Sorry that’s a ramble but just to give you a bit of background.

Anyway, everyone I’ve told this to, through tears and cracked voice has asked “is there no way you can work it out?” Or even “isn’t this the kind of thing you’ll laugh about in a couple of weeks?”.

So I guess I’m wondering is the contempt about periods and menopause really acceptable? And is everyone else ok with someone kicking their stuff around and breaking it?

Things haven’t been right in a lot of other ways too, so I know it’s the right decision to split, but I know in his mind I’ve dumped him because he didn’t make me tea. Whereas to me, it’s just a fundamental lack of respect and support. And fwiw I know I don’t respect him either for calling him lazy and for not communicating my needs better.

I'm in a situation with a man similar and trying tonfind the courage to finally end it this time. I've just got home from him telling me to f off out his housework the 3rd time in a month.

I think you have done the right thing and it's out of order. Beingon egg shells around an angry man is horrible.

You deserve peace from it all. If you feel strong enough stick to it.

@Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy I’m sorry you’re dealing with this too. It’s awful when you love someone and they make you feel this way. How long have you been together? Honestly it doesn’t get any easier, there are now just more lovely memories to keep me tied to the abuse . The sooner you can break free the better.

I only got thrown out of his house once, which was when he instigated a conversation about feminism etc between his DDs, me and him. They were apparently in awe of how well I held my own in the face of his NAMALT and then when he realised he wasn’t going to “win” he told me to F off out of his house. I did. I went and cooled down and then I came back and said “listen I don’t want to fall out with you over this. It’s not ‘our’ argument” and we made up. He said how impressed he was with my attitude that night. Pity he couldn’t be so gracious when he kicked off at my house!

Living with him sounds like eating a lovely sweet apple, except you know it's got a maggot in it somewhere. So you can't enjoy the sweet bits, because the next bite could be the one where you find the maggot. Thanks for updating, you are doing so well, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Nailed it @pickingdaisies and thank you - I’m definitely getting there

We've been involved 18 months now so it's early days. It's been emotionally abusive all the way through. When I met him he was this happy confident alpha male. But when I got to know him I found out he had tried to kill himself 2 months before. He'd struggled with depression and chronic back pain for years. I guess I sort of fell into a pattern of listening to him in the early months of his recovery. I made alot of excuses to myself. It's his tablets. It's his depression. Etc. But it is at the point now where I'm paying to keep him alive but being treated like something on his shoe. Yesterday I made him angry because he took his night time tablets in the day. It knocked him out. I was going for tea. He was still asleep as I was due to go. I was asking him if he still wanted me to go and should I let him sleep. I should know by now this is something he gets extremely mad with me over. He expects me to just go regardless. He doesn't understand that I have children to sort. That I don't eat if I'm eating with him, so if I turn up and he's too tired to eat I go hungry. He's honestly so selfish. I'm at my own place this morning and he's ignored my message I sent. He's been on Facebook 3 times. Didn't care if I got home safe. This man's 48 may I add and I'm 33.

Breaking away is what I'm struggling to do. He pulls me straight back in. I can understand why to others I am stupid. But how do you leave someone that will have nothing if you do and potentially could kill themselves.

Im so sorry for you too. How are you today? It makes you feel so bad when you have children too doesn't it. We don't have children together but mine have heard him yelling down the phone at me more than once. It's absolutely awful.

@Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy But how do you leave someone that will have nothing if you do and potentially could kill themselves

My husband (now ex) had nothing when we split but I still left him. He threatened suicide all the time, he attempted it 3 times, the first time I went running after calling an ambulance, the 2nd and 3rd times he survived and rung the crisis team himself.

Fear of his suicide kept me in the marriage 17 years but in the end I realised if he killed himself it would not be my fault, it would be his decision and his alone.

My ex husband hit rock bottom but 2 years on from his last suicide attempt he is doing really well, has a job, has a few friends etc

My boyfriend has no relationship with his dad, brother or his kids. He sees nobody apart from a couple of men who live on his road and turn up for a free cigarette or need to borrow something. He has friendships via Facebook with old school friends. But he doesn't see them. They live 2 hours away. He's worked in construction so knows lots of men through that. But none he actually sees. So he's very alone. He's pushed alot of people away.

I'm going to try my best to not go back. I think I possibly need some therapy myself to explain this cycle to me. I can't seem to wake up even though I know it's so wrong.

Threatening suicide is actually a continuation of the abuse of you. People who are serious about suicide do it quietly and privately, to make sure they have the best chance of (sadly) being successful at it. People who threaten it or loudly ‘attempt’ it as a ‘cry for help’ are generally not going to actually go through with it. And unfortunately even if he did, it would not be your fault or your responsibility to prevent it. He’s an adult. He’s behaving appallingly. For those people struggling with mental health issues who need support from loved ones and understand that their issues impact their friends and family I have the utmost sympathy. But people who use their mental health as a weapon to manipulate others can get to fuck.

@Bxuxtxtxexrxfxlxy My ex husband was the same, his mum, dad and 1 brother dead. 1 brother an alcoholic who no one has seen for years. A few aunts, uncles, cousins but no one in any real contact.
The only person he had was our daughter (and even then he nearly lost her due to his mental health)

You don't need to feel sorry for these men, they have lived their lives by not having friends or contact with family. You do not need to fix this for him.
I hope you have managed to stay away.