Throwing and kicking things

[RaisedByPangolins]

I ended my relationship of 9 years because - not for the first time - my DP kicked an item across the kitchen in anger.

It had started because I was a bit cross that he wasn’t helping me. I was prepping a big meal for both our families, had been working all of the previous day, then a 4 hr night shift, had 4 hrs sleep and then spent the day cooking. When he arrived at my house at 5pm we went out for food and then came back to finish the last few bits. He said “get someone to make you tea” and went to watch TV.

Now his take on it is that he’d previously offered to take on more of the jobs but I’d said I was ok doing it myself. He was cooking the turkey and the potatoes and bringing them over the next morning.

So anyway. I was a bit snarky and said he could have at least made me a drink, that I’m exhausted and doing all of this for HIS family as well as mine. This escalated to me “always causing arguments”, why am I such a downer etc and I called him a lazy twat, which I know isn’t ok.

I took some time out and he threatened not to bother doing the turkey the next day, so I went to the shop to buy my own turkey just in case.

Came back and some nasty comments ensued about it being “rag week” and when I pointed out that I’m on HRT (& struggling with that, which he knows, recently doubled my dose as I’m having major anxiety and lots of horrid physical symptoms of menopause) and don’t have a “time of the month”, that this ‘period’ has been going on for weeks, he mocked my voice and rolled his eyes at me, said that explains a lot and then kicked the fan across the kitchen.

I told him to get out and never come back. My kids were upset and even DS1 (ASD) gave me a hug, which says a lot!

Sorry that’s a ramble but just to give you a bit of background.

Anyway, everyone I’ve told this to, through tears and cracked voice has asked “is there no way you can work it out?” Or even “isn’t this the kind of thing you’ll laugh about in a couple of weeks?”.

So I guess I’m wondering is the contempt about periods and menopause really acceptable? And is everyone else ok with someone kicking their stuff around and breaking it?

Things haven’t been right in a lot of other ways too, so I know it’s the right decision to split, but I know in his mind I’ve dumped him because he didn’t make me tea. Whereas to me, it’s just a fundamental lack of respect and support. And fwiw I know I don’t respect him either for calling him lazy and for not communicating my needs better.

The vast majority of shitty men aren't shitty all of the time. Remember the old trope - the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. And his laziness, his constant comments about your menopause, his violence - all of that is abuse. Be single for a while, learn to love your life without a man in it. You'll do fine.

I wouldn't put up with a lazy insulting prick like this. Total misogynist and waste of space. Dont be tempted to let him back. Its terrible for your kids to see this really awful.

If he has contempt for periods and menopause, which are uniquely female, then he has contempt for women and, sadly, you in particular.
Don't waste any more time than you need to on a man who disrespects you in so many ways.
Be brave, be strong, and give yourself the respect you know you deserve.

You shouldn't have had that 5% you were trying to tolerate. Same as you wouldn't try and tolerate a cup of tea that was 5% cyanide.

Cut yourself some slack.

Stop trying to make people 'get it'.

This man understands exactly what you're saying. He understands exactly how wrong he is. He will never, ever give you the satisfaction of letting you know that. He loves seeing you trying to explain what civil behaviour is to him and then mocking you and engaging in acts of violence.

Same goes for your friends and relatives. Stop explaining. They clearly think you need their terrible advice, and clearly have you down as some sort of first class mug.

Keep your own business to yourself for a while. Look after your kids and your home and your job if you have one. Create stability and safety and a solid family feeling in your own family.

If your friends and relatives bring up the topic of your ex, tell them he's now history, and that you're all much happier. Thank them for putting up with you for all the years of chaos and drama this man has caused in your life for nine years, and tell them you're looking forward to a peaceful future. Just shake your head if they start second guessing your decision, and tell them thanks but your decision is final, he went too far, and you owe it to your kids to draw a line under it all and move on.

If this man tries to contact you again, with apologies or to goad you, tell him you've decided to cut contact, and that he's not to contact you again.

Arrange for him to take his remaining things from your home, preferably all bagged and outside, and with no excuse for him to get inside. Have a friend with you, or better still, be out when he comes by. Tell him if the things are not gone by X date, they will be dumped.
If he has keys, get your locks changed.

Block him on your phone and on all SM.

Thanks all. I did tell him he was a misogynistic prick, and have told him every SINGLE time he’s said it (we’re talking every time we’ve ever argued) that dismissing my feelings because of my biology is a shitty thing to do.

The annoying thing is that last time we argued, the next day I did get a ‘period’ so I feel like it might be true. However, he doesn’t acknowledge that maybe I’m feeling a bit emotional, he just sarcastically says “oh here we go again, rag week is it?” or something equally charming.

I know he can be awful. But he’s also so lovely that I have blocked out the awful bits and tried to focus on the rest.

The problem with the 5% abusive behaviour is that it’s always on your mind the other 95% of the time . Which is the whole point of the behaviour from his perspective , because it’s about him controlling you.

You know that you can never truly relax that other 95% of the time. You always have to centre his needs because you don’t want to slip up and let a tiny thing happen, which sets him off on one.

Then of course it will be YOUR fault , because you make a mistake and “spoiled everything “.

The more important the occasion, the more stressed you are, trying to keep everything perfect the way he likes it. Because the stakes are so high.

Every time he is unpleasant to you or neglects his responsibilities, you have to weight up carefully whether it’s worth it or not to raise it with him . So you decide not to, sort it out and swallow all that resentment down inside you.

No wonder so many abused women end up with anxiety, depression, high blood pressure . We are so fucking angry inside.

OP you have so much insight into what has been going on. That is going to serve you well when you have doubts. You will know you that miss the lovely person he pretends to be for everyone else and not the real person he is inside.

OP,

He sounds so awful.

What an awful environment for children to be in.

Smashing things is so threatening and abusive.

A terrible environment for you and your children.

You are well rid of him.

Well done.

To be fair, the smashing things had only happened a couple of times - still a couple too many. But the contempt is more regular.

I know I don’t always show him a huge amount of respect either, but he has some boundaries about things I am not to say in an argument, and I respect that. He 100% does not. That’s the thing that has eroded my love and security more than the sporadic kicking off, just the constant wearing down of my boundaries.

Is it weird that I feel sorry for him?

I know I’m fucking amazing as girlfriends go, and I absolutely adored him. He could have had something wonderful. But he has reduced me to this quivering insecure mess with all of this over the years to the point where he feels well rid of me and all my “craziness and drama”.

How you are is exactly how abused woman describe themselves, shadows of their former selves.

He is not a good man.
He is not good for you.
He is not good for your children.

Do you think your children are immune to you becoming a "quivering insecure mess"?

Of course they will have seen the toll he has taken on you.

YOU deserve better.

Good riddance OP.

Enjoy peaceful life with your kids.

No, you can’t work through the contempt or laugh about partner’s abusive behaviour.

Concentrate on your wellbeing and ignore all people telling you to get over misogynistic comments and abusive behaviour.

💐

I know I’m fucking amazing as girlfriends go, and I absolutely adored him. He could have had something wonderful. But he has reduced me to this quivering insecure mess with all of this over the years to the point where he feels well rid of me and all my “craziness and drama”

Well that’s a win win then . He is glad to be rid of you with all your craziness and drama . And you are glad to be rid of him with all his abuse and control.

You are free to take all your fucking amazingness, all that love, thoughtfulness, kindness and attention and use it on yourself - the most important person in your life ❤️

So pleased to read a woman put herself and her DC first and kicked out the abusive wanker before more harm was being done.
You should be very proud of yourself.
He doesn’t deserve a woman in his life if this is how he treats them.

Again think of the impact on your children of seeing what this man has done to you - reducing you to a 'quivering insecure mess'. They will be well aware of the damage he has inflicted on you and on them.

Wouldn't you expect a nice, loving and supportive man to be understanding about periods though instead of mocking and vile and then breaking your stuff.
Even if it had been down to this I would still expect better behaviour from a partner.

There are a few reasons why friends and family say things like, 'is there no way you can work it out?'

• To get you to stop crying / talking, because they are finding the conversation awkward
• Because they haven't got a clue about his crappy side, and are very ignorant about the dynamics of abuse
• Because they have their own subliminal (or sometimes not-so-subliminal) desire to send you back for more punishment

There can be some very dark reasons involved in the third category, especially if it's family members doing it. These people need detaching from, pronto.

Good luck

All very wise words. Thank you all. You’re giving me strength whenever I start to wonder if I’ve done the right thing. I know in my head you’re all right. It’s just taking a little while for my heart (my ever optimistic heart) to catch up and realise that things will never change. And even if they did, the damage is done.

Interesting points about other peoples reactions to it too. I suspect it is mostly 1 to be fair.

Or that they’ve seen it happen before and me go back to him, so maybe don’t want to say anything derogatory about him in case I go back again.

As much as I may think that I can keep dealing with it, my kids can’t and shouldn’t have to.

That optimism you talk about is toxic .

I highly recommend a YouTube series by an Australian therapist, under the name Vital Mind. Look up the talks on empaths and you will understand why the optimism is a feeling you can't afford to indulge.

Thanks @mathanxiety I’ll check that out.

Went out for drinks with a couple of friends last night and they were scathing about him. Pretty much said if I did get back with him (again!) that they don’t want to hear about it.

But it’s easy for them to say as they have jobs and social lives etc. I’m very much a B list friend to them - they both have long standing friend groups who they go out with and go on holiday with. I’m just a neighbour really. And I work at home on my own. He was my everything (which then makes me feels guilty for putting so much pressure on him).

Have decided to jack in my business and get a job outside the house to at least get a bit of social contact. Might sell my house too, and totally start again. I feel like I need to move on in every possible way, because just being in this bedroom or sitting on the sofas he bought, where we laughed and chatted and had sex, is making it hard to imagine a life without him.

Well done!

I know it's hard, you'll miss the good stuff, but no amount of good stuff is worth the awful way he treated you. You deserve better and your kids deserve better.

The only time throwing and kicking things has a place in a relationship is when one of the couple plays Rugby at the weekend.

Add in the Rag Week misogyny and you are well rid of him.

You’re right. And my head knows this. Thank you all for the continued kick up the bum I need to stop second guessing myself. It’s not ok is it.

And the rag week misogyny was bad enough when it actually WAS a week.

These days, now that my cycle is fucked up, and I’m taking the very medication that caused my mum to die of cancer, it’s just so far from a joking matter.

The rag week stuff is so rude and dismissive. I know it's a cliché but some men really could use a week of a bad period and see how they get on!