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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What woman does this

118 replies

Joeynelson · 14/12/2021 21:27

8 years ago the great friends husband died and I spent over a year putting her life back together along with supporting her four children.
But then as a widow she crossed far too boundaries with my husband. I felt uncomfortable and I knew she wanted him. He knew I was not happy with her behaviour.
we are now recently separated and not even divorced and guess what the two of them are already dating
he has even told my children I am absolutely sickened and I don't want him but I just wanna know what kind of woman behaves like that after everything. It repulses me and it plays mind games in my head. I'm appalled. He always denied having feelings for her but OMG. seriously??
Rebound? He did not want the marriage to end and he loved me.
How can I process the behaviour of both of them?? Please give me advice. I can't stop him from having relationships but seriously her?

OP posts:
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 15/12/2021 09:30

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, OP. Betrayed by the two people closest to you. I can’t give any advice, but I hope you recover from this. Flowers

AnyFucker · 15/12/2021 09:34

Ugh. That is seriously grubby behaviour from them. I hope you have good, supportive people around you. And that they get shunned.

CorrBlimeyGG · 15/12/2021 09:37

Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship.

magicstars · 15/12/2021 09:41

Hold your head high & move forwards in the best possible way you can, with your dignity in tact.

This is as much, if not more, your ex partner's doing as the friend. He has probably fallen into her arms due to the familiarity & sense of safety.

YesILikeItToo · 15/12/2021 09:46

This is hard to talk about in your close circles, I’d suggest getting some counselling to help you process this - you can’t rely on fortune shining darkly on them to make you feel better.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 15/12/2021 09:48

Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship.

You’re so cool. Hmm

So sorry that you are going through this OP. It’s an awful betrayal and I think most people would feel the way you do. I don’t know how you get through it, I wish I did.

Do you have good family and friends around you? Also, I know this is ‘only’ a forum and can be unpleasant sometimes, but in general, the support and advice you will get from other women for a situation like this, some who will have been through similar, is fantastic. You could maybe post this on the relationships board.

Dindundundundeeer · 15/12/2021 09:51

@CorrBlimeyGG

Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship.
Really, you can’t see what’s wrong here? You need a sense check on your boundaries @CorrBlimeyGG…. or are you the ‘friend’?
Shuffleuplove · 15/12/2021 09:51

It’s grubby. But, you either want him or you don’t.

EmpressCixi · 15/12/2021 09:53

That’s awful OP, but I’m holding your ex as more responsible. Your friend was grieving and vulnerable and it’s human nature to want to reach out for comfort and physical affection. Your husband shouldn’t have gone beyond the friendly hug and shoulder to cry on stage. He’s taken advantage of her and completely destroyed you to do so.

Honestly, it’s traumatic to lose your husband and best friend at once like that. Have you sought any mental help to process all this?

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2021 09:53

Grubby behaviour

Are your children adults do you need to keep in touch with him?

He could be using her for revenge knowing it will get to you and hurt you my advice would be don't react class it out and vent on mumsnet

GoGoGretaDoll · 15/12/2021 10:01

Well at least now you know he's a grubby lazy fecker, so that should put to bed any lingering feelings you have for him. I mean, of all the single people in the world, he has to pick your pal? Is being single that hard for the poor diddums? He's an arse. Vent on here and hold your head high.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/12/2021 10:12

Grubby behaviour from the pair of them.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 15/12/2021 10:15

Christ some replies here are severely lacking in empathy. Guessing the kind of people who are "I call a spade a spade/say it as I see it/just being honest " IRL. Happy Bloody Christmas Confused

I'm sorry OP, I'd feel just as betrayed if I were you. It's quite a public statement too.
I hope you get through this Thanks

dudsville · 15/12/2021 10:19

I see "Grubby" has reached a new level of popularity!

This is truly an awful set of circumstances op. Can you cut them both out if your life, as far as one can when children are involved? This is quite sick of them both and they aren't deserving of being in your presence.

DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 15/12/2021 10:30

@CorrBlimeyGG

Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship.
Really?
Flowers500 · 15/12/2021 10:41

That's repulsive behaviour from them, I'm so sorry

LuckyAmy1986 · 15/12/2021 10:41

What's with all the 'grubby'?!

I feel for you OP, this must be so hard. Just think you did the right thing in divorcing him. Hopefully their relationship won't last. Just focus on yourself and leave them to it.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 15/12/2021 14:30

I see her as more at fault with this than him. She chased a married man.
He only went with her after he was single.
I would feel betrayed by my so-called friend who I would expect to repay the favour and stick with me after my separation.
To answer: women do this because some of them are not decent people.

KimikosNightmare · 15/12/2021 15:33

10:30DontKnowWhatToThink7
Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship

Really?

There are different issues. The OP isn't wrong to feel hurt or upset but she is now separated from her husband.

It's no business of hers who her husband is now involved with.

lazylinguist · 15/12/2021 15:51

Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship

Did you miss the bit about the friend crossing boundaries before the OP and her husband split up?

worriedatthemoment · 15/12/2021 16:37

Not a nice feeling but now your not together there is nothing you can do
He Should of discussed with you before telling your children.
But your feeling like you're been betrayed twice over which I get .
I guess you have now seen true colours but it will hurt , all you can do is focus on you and your children . Good luck OP

Original poster
Joeynelson · 15/12/2021 23:47

I really appreciate your opinions. I have no doubt leaving him was the right move and this behaviour had reassured me that he doesn't deserve me. She can have him. I'm worth 2,000,000 of them!!!
No more time to waste looking back. I have a fantastic life to get on with and no room for soulless selfish people can be in my future.
She has no conscience. Him neither!

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 15/12/2021 23:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

KimikosNightmare · 16/12/2021 00:12

@Ionlydomassiveones

Why have you posted in feminist chat? Why are you holding the female in the equation to a higher bar than your ex husband? She’s not some mythical siren enchanting some poor hapless soul who ‘loved you’ and ‘didn’t want the marriage to end’ - he has a mind of his own and chose to be a dick. It’s his behaviour that should be in question more than some needy CF ex-friend who never pledged marriage vows to you.
I was about to say that. What has this got to do with feminism?
Chachasha · 16/12/2021 00:13

But you didn't want him...?

He's trying to survive.