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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What woman does this

118 replies

Joeynelson · 14/12/2021 21:27

8 years ago the great friends husband died and I spent over a year putting her life back together along with supporting her four children.
But then as a widow she crossed far too boundaries with my husband. I felt uncomfortable and I knew she wanted him. He knew I was not happy with her behaviour.
we are now recently separated and not even divorced and guess what the two of them are already dating
he has even told my children I am absolutely sickened and I don't want him but I just wanna know what kind of woman behaves like that after everything. It repulses me and it plays mind games in my head. I'm appalled. He always denied having feelings for her but OMG. seriously??
Rebound? He did not want the marriage to end and he loved me.
How can I process the behaviour of both of them?? Please give me advice. I can't stop him from having relationships but seriously her?

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 16/12/2021 20:17

Sorry OP - I hear you. It’s nasty. From both of them.
Two single people my arse! I bet the relationship between them had a bit of a prod into you leaving him..?

JinglingHellsBells · 16/12/2021 20:48

@StopGo

I'm a widow. I've lost a lot of acquaintances as I am seen as a threat. I would never have an affair with anyone and especially not a friend's partner. I know beyond doubt how much losing a partner hurts.
Did you miss the part where the OP says she divorced him before they got together?
JinglingHellsBells · 16/12/2021 20:49

@Duchess379

The OP left him and it happened before he dates her friend.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 16/12/2021 20:55

Did you miss the part where the OP says she divorced him before they got together?

She says they’ve recently separated and not yet divorced. Confused

KimikosNightmare · 16/12/2021 21:05

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

Did you miss the part where the OP says she divorced him before they got together?

She says they’ve recently separated and not yet divorced. Confused

She didn't say she was divorced ; she did say they are separated, which seems to have been initiated by her.

What's the statute of limitations on the OP having any say on who her ex has a relationship with?

KimikosNightmare · 16/12/2021 21:07

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

"Survive" is a silly term to use but from the facts provided OP instigated the separation so it's none of her business where he puts his penis.

If you don’t see the issue with her ex being with her friend, you must have very low expectations of the people In your life. I expect better, your choice of you don’t.

There are some ridiculous replies here. The OP and her husband separated at her instigation.

I accept she might be hurt by her friend but beyond that it's really none of her business.

OhLookMoreShit · 16/12/2021 21:16

Pair of cunts

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 16/12/2021 21:19

I accept she might be hurt by her friend but beyond that it's really none of her business.

She knows there’s nothing she can do. But she’s hurt and upset.

If my partner and I split up, there’s no way we would date each other’s friends. And my friends would not date him. It is a betrayal and also dreadful for the kids that dad is now dating mums friend. It’s completely grim.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 16/12/2021 21:21

Pair of cunts

Yes.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/12/2021 21:52

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

Did you miss the part where the OP says she divorced him before they got together?

She says they’ve recently separated and not yet divorced. Confused

The legal process will take time BUT she left him. And judging by her tone she is happy she did that.

Her friend is single. He is separated.

It's the age old tale of 'I don't want him but I don't want someone else to either.'

Actually, OP if this woman was your friend, it looks as if you and your STBEx like the same people!

Why can't you be happy for them?

She's a widow.
He' s been dumped by you.
Wish them well that they have found each other and look forward with your own life.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 16/12/2021 21:58

Op, ive been through this. You never believe a long standing close friend will make a play for your ex husband…but there you go. Its so damn painful. Pm me if you need support. Im amazed at how many people on here dont get how fucked up this is. Esp when the ‘friend’ will know their kids. My kids hate my ex friend who is now with my exhusband…be ause they knew her as my friend.
Not like theres not loads of other women out there.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 16/12/2021 21:59

JinglingHellsBells

Well aren’t you cool. Very different morals to me. Really wouldn’t want to be like you.

Malibuismysecrethome · 16/12/2021 22:00

My understanding is op instigated the separation as she knew on some level she was being deceived by both of them, and she was right.

It the fact that she helped her friend and supported her, and all the time she was carrying on with op’s DH.

Unforgivable

CheeseMmmm · 16/12/2021 22:37

Some interesting posts!

Esp given this is Feminism!

*OP

Post where you like. Relationship stuff women/men obviously has a load of feminist aspects.

Tbh if you're getting this bollocks here then I dread to think if you had posted on aibu or chat!

Relationships also has posters with different... Views.

So don't worry about that.

AnFiaRuaNua · 16/12/2021 22:39

Wow, shocked on your behalf op, they both should have been out of bounds to each other.

CheeseMmmm · 16/12/2021 22:42

Fascinating posts! Also OP threads about this sort of thing often get a very wide range of answers and often get a bit fighty. If that happens not your fault. Remember MN is not real life.

Anyway.

As a dyed in the wool crazed feminist who was just born to notice things since about 5 or 6. And was confused and annoyed by a lot that is normal! IE just how I am. Given I'm also an average person I find some posts a bit odd.

CheeseMmmm · 16/12/2021 23:01
  1. Weird comments about the ex. Esp given no one knows anything about him! Even OP it's not exactly a lot to go on!
  • He's just trying to survive
  • Not surprising would immediately get with a woman and she was interested
  • He's going out with her out of spite

Some posters really think all men are crap! Bizarre.

He's not a sodding duckling that got lost. Or a puppy dumped by the side of the road! He's a grown man who has been married and has kids!!

I know it's hard to comprehend, but not all men are useless divs who never matured past 15 and need a woman to look after otherwise they end up living off beans and don't know how to wash their clothes or how to purchase new underpants.

Some are like that. (Well ok seems not uncommon). BUT they are not all like that!

Poor fella what else would he do. Obviously he needed a woman asap! Stereotype, very nasty one as well.

CheeseMmmm · 16/12/2021 23:08

She was OPs close friend. Looked after her when grieving.
He is ex husband and they have children together.

Obviously it's a kick in the teeth.

The idea that it's ridiculous to feel pissed off etc about is bizarre.

I can say that feeling kicked in the teeth if the dad of your kids and your close mate get together, yes even if all single. Is not weird and wrong. It's completely normal.

However.
she should not have been all over him after DH died obv that's shitty however upset you are
And he should not have told the kids without letting her know or something. So she could know, and when they back with her know may be questions, various emotions etc.
The children must come first.

I think they both sound crap.

CheeseMmmm · 16/12/2021 23:13

Oh shit it got moved!

I clicked threads I'm on didn't realise!

Sorry everyone Wine

DivorcedAndDelighted · 16/12/2021 23:24

Were you still close friends until this happened, or had you drifted apart? If I've understood correctly, she flirted with your husband after she was widowed, and you discussed this with him at the time.
Now you've finished with him, and the two of them are seeing each other.
If they had an affair while you were together, that's appalling. But if they got together after you booted him, that's not something you have the right to stop. What I'm not clear on is whether she's someone you were still close to until this came out, or if your friendship had become distant anyway?
We don't get to choose who people date once we've split up. I would be upset if a current friend dated my ex because we'd cease to be friends..... But if it was someone I used to be close to years ago, but now rarely saw, then no, I would not feel outraged. Once you leave him, it's not your business who he sees. I mean, obviously you feel what you feel, but I don't think it makes either of them arseholes. Let them find what joy they can in the world and each other. You didn't want him anyway - go find yourself someone better.

ANameChangeAgain · 16/12/2021 23:29

He saw her as low hanging fruit so he went for it.
Both of them desperate and a bit pathetic.
This sums it up nicely. ^^
He is the real vilan here though op. She betrayed you also, but his betrayal is worse.

Lifewith · 16/12/2021 23:30

I think it's pretty obvious it's not the Ops business who he dates or puts his penis in but the posters who are saying all of this, can you not see how this would hurt?? There must be some serious lack of empathy. Of course it would hurt. Have you never had anyone in your life hurt you like that? Cos it's pretty destroying

ScrumptiousBears · 16/12/2021 23:52

My Nan was widowed quite young and she told me most of her married friends had dropped her. I suppose this is what they were scared of.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/12/2021 00:18

@Lifewith

I think it's pretty obvious it's not the Ops business who he dates or puts his penis in but the posters who are saying all of this, can you not see how this would hurt?? There must be some serious lack of empathy. Of course it would hurt. Have you never had anyone in your life hurt you like that? Cos it's pretty destroying
If she was a current friend, yes, it would hurt like hell because you'd feel abandoned and betrayed by someone who should be part of your support team. But if the friendship has lapsed and they're no longer close, and OP would not have been confiding in this woman or looking to her for support, then it would feel quite different I think. In that case, we'd have to ask, as a PP did, how long is the statute of limitations on exes of old acquaintances supposed to be?
ThackeryBinks · 17/12/2021 00:21

OP I can totally understand how you feel. When a similar scenario happened to me it caused me a physical pain in my chest for the first 3 months the trauma was so bad. In some ways I missed my best friend more than I missed him. Her betrayal of me has been huge, more so in the way they have treated me and my kids in the aftermath. However, I've managed to let it go. I know for a fact she has got a crap deal. He is a hideous human being. I have moved on and got a new life. I'm much much happier. I hope in several years time that you will be saying the same thing as me OP.