What woman does this

[Joeynelson]

8 years ago the great friends husband died and I spent over a year putting her life back together along with supporting her four children.
But then as a widow she crossed far too boundaries with my husband. I felt uncomfortable and I knew she wanted him. He knew I was not happy with her behaviour.
we are now recently separated and not even divorced and guess what the two of them are already dating
he has even told my children I am absolutely sickened and I don't want him but I just wanna know what kind of woman behaves like that after everything. It repulses me and it plays mind games in my head. I'm appalled. He always denied having feelings for her but OMG. seriously??
Rebound? He did not want the marriage to end and he loved me.
How can I process the behaviour of both of them?? Please give me advice. I can't stop him from having relationships but seriously her?

If OP comes back, and wants to post!

I don't think the main reasons for the separation have been shared.

She says he did not want to split, said he loved her. Also she said split was the right thing to do.

She's v sure that she wanted split and right thing to do.

Just wondering as could be pertinent (obv. V pertinent).

Yes if op found someone else and he didn't want the marriage to end, he's doing it from a revengeful or spiteful angle.

The friend was never really a friend and was jealous of op and always has been.

Who knows why split.
No point guessing at all.

Person earlier who said gone to her out of spite-

-Meant because they split and he didn't want to
-Is making a lot of assumptions about a man she knows zero about this man
-And has a strange view of how in general people think

Maybe she simply fancied him.
And didn't care about fucking friend over.

Again. Always jealous? Don't get that. As a given

@DivorcedAndDelighted but we don't get to say what the OP is allowed to feel.
You feel what you feel, no on can police that or say she's wrong. Some of these comments are judgy and quite frankly absurd. We don't want to question how traumatic it is, we have no idea.
It's dismissive and wrong to say she had no right to feel what she feels only if it's a current friend. You don't have set rules on people's feelings

Joey, I saw your other thread from a few days ago. You have suffered greatly in your lonely,
soul-crushing marriage to this man you describe as a narcissist.

You say your H has beaten down your self-esteem. He has devalued and shown no real interest in you, and has viewed you as someone to look after his children while he works. When both your mother and sister died within the past 5 years, he provided zero support or empathy. When you finally had enough and told him you wanted to separate, he acted devastated and said he loved you, but it was too little too late. He said you must be having an affair, which is untrue.

He is well aware of the massive support you gave your close friend and her children during their recovery. (You stated that you were by their side practically 24/7.) He is also well aware that you were very uncomfortable with her line-crossing and over-reliance on him. I suspect he actually lapped up the ego massages she provided and it was likely a 2-way street scenario.

A narcissist will become hostile when his ego-extension stops servicing his wants/needs. It is clear that he wants to punish you and inflict pain, and is twisting the knife. As he lacks empathy, he doesn’t even care if their dating upsets or confuses the children. They may be jarred by their dad dating so soon after he just moved out, and especially by his getting together with this woman who had been a close family friend. That he used them as a conduit with hurtful news speaks volumes.

Joey, your shock and upset are valid. These are indeed low people who have no loyalty, decency or integrity. They would relish a pained response from you. Leave them to their fetid doings, as they don’t merit your words or energy.

Leaving a narcissist takes great courage and determination. You’ve chosen a brighter, healthier present and future for yourself and your children. This latest blow won’t keep you down for long. Surround yourself with the support of trusted friends. Envision your mum and sister cheering you on. If you need to speak with a counselor to strengthen your self-esteem and help you move through the emotional turmoil, do that.

You’ve written about volunteering at a care center after you suffered a previous loss. You found great solace in giving to those people in need. I’m not in the UK and don’t know about your current COVID rules, but perhaps you could resume volunteering when possible.

Keep posting here, Joey.

Can 100% understand and empathise with you being upset but you can't ditch someone and then dictate who they can and cannot date

She's not dictating.

She's upset and posting on an anonymous chat board.

That is really not similar at all.

Such a huge, huge contrast between @MsDogLady wonderful post and the one following.

Op, take MsDogLady’s advice, it is perfect

@CheeseMmmm

She's not dictating.

She's upset and posting on an anonymous chat board.

That is really not similar at all.

Oh c'mon @CheeseMmmm!

Talk about splitting hairs!

Or semantics.

Yes she is upset BUT she's also saying he ought NOT to have dated her friend.

It's odd you can't see how that's trying to control (dictate) someone's behaviour.

*Talk about splitting hairs!

Or semantics.

Yes she is upset BUT she's also saying he ought NOT to have dated her friend.

It's odd you can't see how that's trying to control (dictate) someone's behaviour.*

Have you seen the other threads the OP has written about her husband? It sounds like he is doing this to get at the her, to hurt her. He wouldn't commit to her, he didnt support her when her sister and mother died, he left her at home to look after his children and then when she built up up the courage to leave he said he said he was devastated but then immediately began seeing her friend. He sounds horrible and abusive.

@JinglingHellsBells no I didn't miss that as it's not what the OP said.

@DontKnowWhatToThink7 Anyone posting in reply to a thread can only respond to what the OP writes.
It's not 'form' to trawl the site to find backposts.

So no, I've not followed her marriage issues.

I wonder what she would think was a reasonable amount of time for he r friend and her ex to wait ?

I wonder what she would think was a reasonable amount of time for he r friend and her ex to wait ?

In my world, friends don’t date other friends ex husbands. Ever! Friends help you through the break up and tell you you’re better off without him. Pretty standard.

@CorrBlimeyGG

Do you believe they were together before you separated? If not, then I don't see a problem with two single people starting a relationship.

Absolutely this!

If nothing happened when you were together then it's not really any of your business now

no I didn't miss that as it's not what the OP said.

You’ve got to admire how she styled it out after trying to tell you that you missed it. 😂

I wonder what she would think was a reasonable amount of time for he r friend and her ex to wait?

I don't think there is a ever right time for your ex husband and best friend to get together. It's certainly not something I would do. Maybe you would though?

@JinglingHellsBells

So now your advice in this particular post is pointless after Mrs Dog's astute advice, you would make an excellent flying monkey, keeping up with the narrative.

He's a narcissist, then there is no point in trying to understand it.
Of course this is expected behaviour from him, but her, your 'friend' she is no friend to you, but she clearly does not understand what she's dealing with.
She will find out, but at the moment he will have turned her against you, you have been smeared.

He will get fed up with her, this woman who has the balls to betray her friend, is the hallmark of a self absorbed, self entitled woman.

He won't be happy with her, she is no empath compared to you.
It will burn out, another hurdle in his poison against you.

I hope you can see this for what it is, him punishing you and another reminder of him (and her) to never forget him.

He's pulling out all the stops.
I hope you stay away.

@NickiWap

Can 100% understand and empathise with you being upset but you can't ditch someone and then dictate who they can and cannot date

She doesn't say "I want to stop the relationship" she specifically asked for advice on how to process it.

Totally different to dictating

I’m interested in what boundaries she crossed OP

and I totally agree with you,really gross behaviour from the pair of them!

I doubt I'd ever have a female friend again who could be trusted.
Let them get on with it, you hold your head up high because you have nothing to be ashamed about. Their relationship will probably not last, one of them will get fed up of the other, or one of them will end up cheating on the other.... what goes around and all that.
Just try your best to get on with your life and you and the kids try and have as much fun as possible, because the grass won't be as green on the other side, there will be problems for them.
What they've done is so disrespectful to you and your children, I'm so sorry that this has been done to you but you will get over this bump in the road, you'll have good days and bad, just keep pushing through and one day you won't look back at the weak pathetic excuse of a man he is.

[quote Lifewith]@DivorcedAndDelighted but we don't get to say what the OP is allowed to feel.
You feel what you feel, no on can police that or say she's wrong. Some of these comments are judgy and quite frankly absurd. We don't want to question how traumatic it is, we have no idea.
It's dismissive and wrong to say she had no right to feel what she feels only if it's a current friend. You don't have set rules on people's feelings[/quote]
Certainly @Lifewith, I said upthread that "you feel what you feel", and of course OP's feelings are valid and understandable. But whether / how much the ExH and woman involved are objectively arses ("What woman does this?") does depend on the circumstances, surely. I think most people would feel differently about a current friend suddenly dating their ex, compared to someone you used to know well but now don't. In one situation you've lost a friend, but not in the other.
I read a report once on where middle - aged divorcees met their current partners. A surprising amount - something like 6 or 7% - originally met because they were friends with the ex-spouse.
A friend's husband ran away with her best friend. That was a huge betrayal. Someone you used to know going off with the ex that you dumped is really not in the same league. I hope for OP's sake that this woman was someone she had drifted apart from already.

🙈

@MsDogLady

Joey, I saw your other thread from a few days ago. You have suffered greatly in your lonely, soul-crushing marriage to this man you describe as a narcissist.

You say your H has beaten down your self-esteem. He has devalued and shown no real interest in you, and has viewed you as someone to look after his children while he works. When both your mother and sister died within the past 5 years, he provided zero support or empathy. When you finally had enough and told him you wanted to separate, he acted devastated and said he loved you, but it was too little too late. He said you must be having an affair, which is untrue.

He is well aware of the massive support you gave your close friend and her children during their recovery. (You stated that you were by their side practically 24/7.) He is also well aware that you were very uncomfortable with her line-crossing and over-reliance on him. I suspect he actually lapped up the ego massages she provided and it was likely a 2-way street scenario.

A narcissist will become hostile when his ego-extension stops servicing his wants/needs. It is clear that he wants to punish you and inflict pain, and is twisting the knife. As he lacks empathy, he doesn’t even care if their dating upsets or confuses the children. They may be jarred by their dad dating so soon after he just moved out, and especially by his getting together with this woman who had been a close family friend. That he used them as a conduit with hurtful news speaks volumes.

Joey, your shock and upset are valid. These are indeed low people who have no loyalty, decency or integrity. They would relish a pained response from you. Leave them to their fetid doings, as they don’t merit your words or energy.

Leaving a narcissist takes great courage and determination. You’ve chosen a brighter, healthier present and future for yourself and your children. This latest blow won’t keep you down for long. Surround yourself with the support of trusted friends. Envision your mum and sister cheering you on. If you need to speak with a counselor to strengthen your self-esteem and help you move through the emotional turmoil, do that.

You’ve written about volunteering at a care center after you suffered a previous loss. You found great solace in giving to those people in need. I’m not in the UK and don’t know about your current COVID rules, but perhaps you could resume volunteering when possible.

Keep posting here, Joey.

Thanks. Still learning this site so not sure how to pm you.

I’m not angry and he’s welcome to move on. It’s the other woman that just grates and hurts. She has crossed a line and it s a horrible feeling as we were such close friends and all I gave to support her. That’s all…