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Original poster

A no more sex in the relationship one

80 replies

Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:03

I cant piece this together in my head. Need outside perspective. Me and dps sex life has never been brilliant. We had dc a year ago and since then my sex drove took a plummit. Dp would still try to have sex and complained about the lack of it. We tried to get our feet back from it but for a while now ive noticed dp hasnt bothered to initiate sex. If he ever does its when he is half asleep and tries to have a minimal effort quickie then go back to sleep. It makes me feel like it could really be anyone that does the job for him and im just being used to satisfy himself. I brought it to his attention and he just muttered something about contraception. Its true we dont have anything lined up right now but it never bothered him before. It feels like a cop out and a good excuse to hide behind. When i pointed out to him there are other things we can do dont invovle risk of pregnancy he didnt have much to say. He never does foreplay on me. Its been a long going issue of mine. I used to always give him random bjs. But with me he just grabs me downstairs and expects me to be ready without any warming up.

This is starting to get depressing. Im trying to express and communicate my problems but he either tries to turn it into a light hearted joke or comes up with some half arsed excuse then it gets brushed under the carpet. I dont even know why im trying so hard. He was the first one to complain about my lack of sex drive ( because of hormones bfing ect) and now im actually trying to step up and for what.

I feel like a fool.

Im only in my early twenties. I feel like im being wasted on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:20

Bump

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:20

Anyone?

OP posts:
DDMAC · 10/12/2021 23:30

Could it be that he’s been taking care of things himself and is in a habit now? Do you feel you have your sex drive back?

Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:37

@DDMAC i do feel like he must be doing things behind my back. We had a maseive argument over his porn usage once. He promised to cut it out but i doubt he has. There is no way he is content doing nothing. He has gone from being needy to cold turkey. Short of this im thinking there may be someone else, he just isnt interesed in me anymore, or he is gay

OP posts:
itiswhat · 10/12/2021 23:37

Is your lo a year old now? Do you have plans/talked about having more children? Has it been a tough year adjusting to becoming parents?

Maybe he doesn't want to address that he really doesn't want another baby right now and is fearful that may happen.

Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:39

@itiswhat see if that was true all along then id believe it. But he was literally pestering me for sex months after giving birth and the thought never even once crossed his mind. Nothing was on his mind other than sex. So i do not believe for one second that he has suddenly had a change of heart. He doesnt care about that more than his own dick or needs

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:41

He has never really done foreplay on me. Ever. He just wants to have penatrive sex and then be done with it. Last time we had sex properly we had a bust up because i gave him head and he finished prematurley which wasnt a problem until he decided that he had his fix and rolled over and went to sleep. He never satisfys me and cant make me finish

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:42

The more im writing this out the more depressing it seems. Im only 23. You would think we have been in a long term marriage with loads of kids

OP posts:
DDMAC · 10/12/2021 23:46

seems strange that he’s suddenly gone cold turkey. Is he acting normally otherwise? I’m just thinking if he was cheating you might notice a change in his behaviour like secrecy or moodiness.

itiswhat · 10/12/2021 23:48

He sounds extremely selfish op.
Would he be willing to have a conversation about it if you sat him down to explain how it makes you feel?

Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:50

@DDMAC honestly dont thinknits a physical thing if he is. He is always at work or home with me and baby. But he is always cagey with his phone and when i go up to him he turns it off quickly. Sometimes i do see glimpses and he is on this forum he is on (kind of like this) i know he is ceazy invested in this forum but i dont understand why he feels the need to hide his engagement? I know he interacts on there. So it makes me feel like im missing something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:51

His behaviour hasnt changed no. @itiswhat ive already sat him down and explained everything. He says all the right things, yes, he agrees but then nothing changes just like with every issue in our relationship

OP posts:
mswales · 10/12/2021 23:54

This is awful. This is a relationship problem more than a sex problem. He doesnt care about your pleasure or making you feel desired which suggests he really isn't very nice or loving in general. He's not treating you with any respect or care. Please please consider whether you want to spend your life with this guy. You deserve to feel loved and wanted and valued.

NatriumChloride · 10/12/2021 23:56

What forum is he on, OP?
I’m sorry to hear it. Sounds like you both need to talk about this properly as it will only get worse and lead to more resentment.

DDMAC · 10/12/2021 23:57

Would you feel comfortable asking him what it is next time you see him on it? My first thought was porn when I read your post. I think it can turn into a habit where the person would rather masturbate and watch porn than have sex. The joking when you try to talk to him about it would suggest feeling guilty to me.

Original poster
Clueless24 · 11/12/2021 00:00

@DDMAC @NatriumChloride i cant really give specifics as its very outing and all this is quite personal as it is. But i know its not porn or anything sexual related. Think more buisness type. He has a user profile and will leave comments here and there, watch lectures and streams on the subject

OP posts:
DDMAC · 11/12/2021 00:03

@NatriumChloride

What forum is he on, OP? I’m sorry to hear it. Sounds like you both need to talk about this properly as it will only get worse and lead to more resentment.
I agree. If you can sit down and communicate both of your needs maybe that would help get that connection back? How much alone time do you get together without baby, can you get out together every now and then and spend time with each other.
Original poster
Clueless24 · 11/12/2021 00:04

I just feel like someone acting like a sleaze dog to not even bothering is off. It makes me feel un attractive. I know ive not been looking (or even feeling) my best recently as baby is going through bad regression which is relentless and ive had no sleep for months. But i know i am good looking and have so much life in me. I used to be really in tune with myself sexually and now i feel like im a bloody nun

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Original poster
Clueless24 · 11/12/2021 00:06

@DDMAC we've done all this. Been around that block athousand times. Sometimes he agrees but most time he gets defensive and acts as if im blaming him for our lack of quality time. He reminds me its out of his hand. Ive told him i feel more like we are just co parenting at this point and i need more out of this relationship. But it turned into a massive bust up and once the dust settled nothing came of it

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 11/12/2021 00:16

You know he hasn't suddenly "lost" his sex drive. It's still there, he still gets horny. I would guess that during the period where you guys weren't having much sex, he used porn or something similar to get off - and now he is happier doing that and sorting himself out rather than put any effort at all into having sex with you.

You've already said he is a lazy inconsiderate lover when you do have sex. This fits well with that behaviour. Selfish and lazy, sorting himself out and being done with it.

It wont be a reflection of your attractiveness - he is just lazy. His phone will tell you a lot I bet.

DDMAC · 11/12/2021 00:20

Do you have any family who could babysit for you so you can go out as a couple once in awhile? Nice opportunity to dress up too. I know that feeling, although I was a lot older than you having my first child, it took so long to feel more like the old me. You are young I’m sure you will definitely get back to there again.
My dh and I didn’t get out on our own for 3 years after the first 🙈 our relationship really struggled during that time.

DDMAC · 11/12/2021 00:22

@Sonaftersonafterson

You know he hasn't suddenly "lost" his sex drive. It's still there, he still gets horny. I would guess that during the period where you guys weren't having much sex, he used porn or something similar to get off - and now he is happier doing that and sorting himself out rather than put any effort at all into having sex with you.

You've already said he is a lazy inconsiderate lover when you do have sex. This fits well with that behaviour. Selfish and lazy, sorting himself out and being done with it.

It wont be a reflection of your attractiveness - he is just lazy. His phone will tell you a lot I bet.

I agree!
Original poster
Clueless24 · 11/12/2021 00:30

Makes me so tempted to snoop. His phone is right beside me and he is fast asleep. Speaking to him is pointless, we get no where and i know he wouldnt tell me if he was. But if i have to check his phone not only is that an invasion of his privacy what does that say about me as a person

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2021 00:39

Your relationship is doomed. Get your ducks in a row and make an exit plan. You are far too young to settle for this shit.

DDMAC · 11/12/2021 00:45

I’d be tempted myself, might give you peace of mind though or give you some clarity