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Original poster

A no more sex in the relationship one

80 replies

Clueless24 · 10/12/2021 23:03

I cant piece this together in my head. Need outside perspective. Me and dps sex life has never been brilliant. We had dc a year ago and since then my sex drove took a plummit. Dp would still try to have sex and complained about the lack of it. We tried to get our feet back from it but for a while now ive noticed dp hasnt bothered to initiate sex. If he ever does its when he is half asleep and tries to have a minimal effort quickie then go back to sleep. It makes me feel like it could really be anyone that does the job for him and im just being used to satisfy himself. I brought it to his attention and he just muttered something about contraception. Its true we dont have anything lined up right now but it never bothered him before. It feels like a cop out and a good excuse to hide behind. When i pointed out to him there are other things we can do dont invovle risk of pregnancy he didnt have much to say. He never does foreplay on me. Its been a long going issue of mine. I used to always give him random bjs. But with me he just grabs me downstairs and expects me to be ready without any warming up.

This is starting to get depressing. Im trying to express and communicate my problems but he either tries to turn it into a light hearted joke or comes up with some half arsed excuse then it gets brushed under the carpet. I dont even know why im trying so hard. He was the first one to complain about my lack of sex drive ( because of hormones bfing ect) and now im actually trying to step up and for what.

I feel like a fool.

Im only in my early twenties. I feel like im being wasted on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 11/12/2021 16:40

@Yummypumpkin this problem has been going on for a year. I have tried calm approaches, civil mature conversations. What i do not tolerate is my partner saying he is going to work and change on something for him to do crap all.

You do not know our relationship. This is the tip of the iceberg to a longer list off issues. All that play out the same, dp says he is going to do something and doesnt.

Its an exshausting toxic pattern and ive tolerated it long enough.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 11/12/2021 16:41

OK. Well maybe your anger is necessary right now and will motivate you to make changes unilaterally. All the best.

ftw163532 · 11/12/2021 16:44

You're not really describing a change though, you're describing a continuation and escalation of disrespect and toxic behaviour that has always been there.

23 is too young to write off your whole life on some disrespectful prick.

Kotatsu · 11/12/2021 16:55

I've got to agree that it's time to call it a day..

Happened with ex and me - first my libido hit rock bottom due to BFing and being knackered with baby, then when it came back I got immediately pregnant again, and he did less and less with the new baby/toddler. He'd pester me, and I'd tell him that I didn't just switch on, that I needed to actually spend some time with him occasionally, that we did need to figure out contraception long term (condoms were fine, but he had a habit of not wanting to put one on at the critical point, and I didn't want another child)

He turned to porn rather than bother to come out for the occasional coffee with me, and eventually to gay saunas, then other women.

For a long while I wondered if this was my fault, but then I realised that throughout he'd been selfish - that sex was often much rougher than I wanted, and then was increasingly him pumping away having desensitised himself with fist of death masterbation to porn. That it wasn't that I didn't want sex at all, but that I didn't want the sex he was offering basically, and he couldn't be bothered to do anything about that.

I'm so much happier without him, as are the kids. I actually feel my libido coming back properly (which is a tad inconvenient given I have basically no time without the children/outside of work) - it really was him, not me.

DDMAC · 11/12/2021 19:38

Tell him to look up the videos on the porn site on how to actually please a woman next time he’s on there looking for a thrill, if he wants to try and fix things he’s going to have to make changes with himself.
I know the idea of splitting up must be scary when you have a baby with him. I hope you have some support that you can rely on if you do decide it’s not going to work.

Hont1986 · 11/12/2021 22:17

Being turned down for sex for six months or more is going to have an impact on anyone, regardless of the very good reasons for it. I think if you want the dynamic to change, you need to start reintroducing a sexual element to your relationship. A dog isn't going to keep bringing you the stick if you whack it on the nose enough times.

Original poster
Clueless24 · 12/12/2021 02:36

So upset tonight. I just keep crying. Partner has admitted to going back to porn so he lied to me about that. Porn still doesnt explain his lack of entire interest in our sex life anymore..something isnt adding up and its driving me insane and keeping me up...

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 12/12/2021 02:39

I dont believe its just down to the porn. Him not having a sex drive. Him not knowing where to start or what to do. Him thinking i didnt want sex. Him feeling self pressure.

I think something else is at play here and i cant shake this horrible feeling in my gut. Because even with all those things in mind before he has always been very sex proactive. Nothing has ever stopped him from it

But now that i think about he hasnt been having sex with me properly for a while now. Its like he doesnt like me or my body. He just has sex with me and rolls over, before he would use to kiss me after or hug me.

I feel so pathetic

Unattractive

Worthless

OP posts:
Momijin · 12/12/2021 07:28

Please op. This is about him and not you. He's a crap and selfish lover. I've had kids, put on and lost weight, looked good and looked like shit etc yet the people I've been with have always wanted to have sex with me.

You're a young woman at the prime of her life. This isn't about you.

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2021 08:12

You’re not pathetic or unattractive or worthless
You’re just with a man who doesn’t care about you the way he should do. It’s not ok but you’ll be fine when you leave him

Anothernick · 12/12/2021 09:03

@Momijin

Please op. This is about him and not you. He's a crap and selfish lover. I've had kids, put on and lost weight, looked good and looked like shit etc yet the people I've been with have always wanted to have sex with me.

You're a young woman at the prime of her life. This isn't about you.

No, it's about him. In a good relationship your DP should be the first port of call when it come to dealing with sexual needs and desires. Of course if they are tired, unavailable etc then sorting it out for yourself might be necessary but favouring porn over sex is a red flag.
Uninterested · 12/12/2021 09:17

It's me ruined as an aside in your OP but the fact you don't have 'anything lined up' for contraception is absolutely crazy and irresponsible of both of you.
You can't risk bringing another baby into such an unhappy relationship. That's really unfair on any future child.
How long have you been together? Might he be willing to go for counselling with you.

Tarne · 12/12/2021 09:17

This spells the end of your sex life with him. No man likes to have his performance criticised. It shrivels it. The directors of women in porn videos do women a huge disservice by asking them to 'give' with nothing in return. Many men don't give a crap about how their needs are met and porn videos fuel that one way street.

I think if you have partner who is actually considerate and caring about your needs being met you are in the minority, and very fortunate.

Being critical is the biggest male turn off known to man.

Ask any man if they would want to have sex with a woman who criticises their performance. No matter how crap they are it's taboo to say so and it won't change things for the better for you.

So don't waste your time. As soon as a man loses interest in being kind and caring and loving towards you then it's never coming back no matter what.

Either end your relationship i now or let it limp on indefinitely. Pun intended Grin

Uninterested · 12/12/2021 09:17

Mentioned*

Uninterested · 12/12/2021 09:21

@Tarne

Ask any man if they would want to have sex with a woman who criticises their performance. No matter how crap they are it's taboo to say so and it won't change things for the better for you.

I agree but it's the same if a man criticised a womans performance in bed. Imagine the replies if someone started a thread on Mumsnet saying her partner has been critical of her in bed. There would be carnage

Momijin · 12/12/2021 10:03

[quote Uninterested]@Tarne

Ask any man if they would want to have sex with a woman who criticises their performance. No matter how crap they are it's taboo to say so and it won't change things for the better for you.

I agree but it's the same if a man criticised a womans performance in bed. Imagine the replies if someone started a thread on Mumsnet saying her partner has been critical of her in bed. There would be carnage[/quote]
That's not true. My bf and my exes have asked me what they can do to please me. What I want them to do. So not asking for critique but for direction. If men care about your pleasure they will make an effort. Even an fwb I had who had no romantic feelings for me was a very generous lover.

Original poster
Clueless24 · 12/12/2021 10:22

Where are people getting that i critiqued him? The only thing we spoke about was the fact that our sex life was too one sided! I necer said he was bad in bed only that he didnt focus on me enough and he also agreed.

OP posts:
FabulousMrFifty · 12/12/2021 16:13

Not read all the replies, but sex ( or the lack off), sounds like the least of your issues, if he is preferring to using porn over sex with you, he has likely checked out, you also sound quite angry (with him? ), nobody will want have sex with someone they are arguing with.
Maybe time to call it quits, neither of you sound like you are having a good time really.

DDMAC · 12/12/2021 16:55

You should always trust your gut feeling.
At this point I would be looking at his phone if you get a chance. I know you don’t like that idea but honestly I think things are not looking good for your future with him anyway and you sound like you’re really on the fence about making a decision, if you do see proof of something there it might help you make a decision.

Tarne · 13/12/2021 05:03

Saying it's one sided is a criticism!

Original poster
Clueless24 · 13/12/2021 08:20

@Tarne hardly .Its stating facts. What do you propose carry on allowing someone to make me feel like a sex doll because im afraid to hurt his feelings over it? What about my feelings. Im the one being used here as a wam bam thank you mam. Jesus people. Sex should be equal. I deserve to have effort made onto me too

OP posts:
Original poster
Clueless24 · 13/12/2021 08:31

Im not having this being pinned on me because people think men shouldnt be " critcised" once. If you are in a lovely relationship you should want to please your partner and if you arent doing so for whatever reason be it selfishness or lack of expereince you should be able to communicate to each other and then take on board what they say and do better.

Maybe you guys dont mind settling for a crappy sex life because you dont want to tip the boat but suggesting something clearly isnt working (hardly believe thats true) because you dont want to hurt your guys pride but i think you should be able to say whatever freely as long as it is worded in the right way. Why would it hurt someone to hear they are taking and not giving in bed. He didnt get hurt over it, he just admitted he knew it was true. So all you lot getting butt hurt for him is just hilarious

OP posts:
user38764345 · 13/12/2021 08:39

I agree with you OP.
It shouldn't be one sided and you are not there just to please your man.

Most men would hate the thought of not actually satisfying their partner and try their best to fix it!!

He could possibly feel self conscious now that he isn't sure what to do for you so would rather not try? But you would hope he could communicate this to you so the issue could be resolved

Holothane · 13/12/2021 16:07

I’m with you OP get ducks ready and leave your too young to have your life like this I’m 55 now I’ve a chance of happiness and I’m grabbing it. Too many years are wasted in relationships that just in the end make you depressed and sad hugs.

Tarne · 13/12/2021 18:22

Your partner isn't going to change op. What you have said on the subject is reasonable and rational.

Unfortunately men are never reasonable or rational when it comes to their sexual performance.

Sorry op, your sex life is over because it's not him coming to you wanting to make improvements. If he's not interested you can't make him.