A no more sex in the relationship one

[Clueless24]

I cant piece this together in my head. Need outside perspective. Me and dps sex life has never been brilliant. We had dc a year ago and since then my sex drove took a plummit. Dp would still try to have sex and complained about the lack of it. We tried to get our feet back from it but for a while now ive noticed dp hasnt bothered to initiate sex. If he ever does its when he is half asleep and tries to have a minimal effort quickie then go back to sleep. It makes me feel like it could really be anyone that does the job for him and im just being used to satisfy himself. I brought it to his attention and he just muttered something about contraception. Its true we dont have anything lined up right now but it never bothered him before. It feels like a cop out and a good excuse to hide behind. When i pointed out to him there are other things we can do dont invovle risk of pregnancy he didnt have much to say. He never does foreplay on me. Its been a long going issue of mine. I used to always give him random bjs. But with me he just grabs me downstairs and expects me to be ready without any warming up.

This is starting to get depressing. Im trying to express and communicate my problems but he either tries to turn it into a light hearted joke or comes up with some half arsed excuse then it gets brushed under the carpet. I dont even know why im trying so hard. He was the first one to complain about my lack of sex drive ( because of hormones bfing ect) and now im actually trying to step up and for what.

I feel like a fool.

Im only in my early twenties. I feel like im being wasted on.

I can’t work out why you are initiating sex with someone who doesnt care about your pleasure anyway. You may as well be an inflatable sex toy for all he cares.

Really you are far too young to settle for this crappy relationship

@ProudThrilledHappy im not. But i wanted to bring it up to get to the root cause of why exactly my partner isnt anymore. The thing is because im not trying and neither is he our sex life is non exsistent which is sad in itself now.

@DDMAC i dont even know where to start looking? I assume he would be using a private browser and from what i know that doesnt retain your history. So is there any point?

But if i have to check his phone not only is that an invasion of his privacy what does that say about me as a person

Well if you want to get to the bottom of it you don't really have a choice. He's not going to tell the truth voluntarily for whatever reason.

You sound pretty angry and possibly a bit tired.

I'm not sure going through his phone is going to help much.

You didn't want sex for some months so you didn't have sex.

Now you do want sex and you're angry that he doesn't.

You're angry because you feel "wasted".

But you're also angry that when you did have sex in the past he wasn't doing what you liked.

And you're angry he's on his phone.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that but you need to get yourself into a calmer place and then think through these things.

Before doing anything involving the relationship with your partner, please take a few days to think what you really want.

It's possible tiredness and other things are making these problems seem bigger than they are, or unsolvable.

You might be able to think of what you want and discuss things better.

He sounds like he's checked out of the relationship a long while ago. Kids do change the dynamic in a relationship but that is the time to put more effort into your relationship not less lime many couples do. Life centres around kids and tireness and everyday chores take precedence over the reason you got together in the first place.
He sounds a selfish lover but perhaps the lack of sex has just made him more ambivalent to your needs and those of the relationship as a whole.
At your age a sexless couple will not last so it's time to get it or move on, life's too short to waste!

@Yummypumpkin its not that i "didnt want sex" i had just given birth and he kept harrassing me for sex. Not the same thing.

Now our baby is older mentally and physically i am more ready. But i know its not like my partner to suddenly go off sex when he cared about it more than me after i gave birth. So i know something is up. Also his flakey attitude when i brought it uo doesnt help (the joking and defensiveness)

@saleorbouy this is the thing. When all this came to head recenlty i told him for there to be a family there needs to be an "us" first. And that i needed more of a relationship. I get kids changes things but there is definitley alot more effort that can be made in this relationship on his behalf but he just gets lazy and complacent really easily. He has admitted to this himself. The whole sex thing is just a demonstration of this

Im still undecided about checking his phone

Bump

@Clueless24

The more im writing this out the more depressing it seems. Im only 23. You would think we have been in a long term marriage with loads of kids

There are plenty of long term marriages with loads of kids that still have a fun and varied sex life. Yours sounds like a non starter to begin with. Honestly, he sounds selfish and unless he's really willing to understand and listen he won't change. Don't be like couples I know who stayed in shit selfish or sexless relationships for years and ended up hating each other. I understand no one wants to end up a single mum at 23 but have a really long hard think about whether that might not be the better choice in the long run.

This is horrible.you deserve more. You'll end up hating yourself the longer you stay in this loveless relationship. (If he loved you he wouldn't treat you like this)

You are way to young to be even considering putting up with a partner who is not interested in pleasing you there will be a ton of guys wanting to make a huge effort and have proper fun sex with you no way settle for a not even half arsed effort
Possibly he has developed a porn habit or has some other outlets in any case grim

Only you can tell if there is any saving this, keep in mind if you are not having the sex you both love life will be very stressful and ultimately miserable

Good luck !

Why would you actually want sex with a man who seems to use your body as a masturbation aid? If the rest of your relationship is good then you need counselling re your sex problems. If not you need to leave him and find a nice man who knows what a mutually satisfying and respectful sexual relationship actually is.

"He never satisfied me and can't make me finish"

Well he's a crap lover then and selfish as well. And also stupid - any sensible man wants to satisfy his DP because it demonstrates his skill as a lover, shows he cares about her and encourages her to want more sex with him. It's a win win.

You're ready to restart having sex again but you know that your partner is a crap lover. He won't discuss this so he's never going to improve.

You are 23 years old with a selfish self absorbed unimaginative partner.

Get rid and start again

He's shit in bed
He's always been shit in bed
How did you end up in a committed relationship with someone so crap and selfish in bed?

Personally I'd be out the door, life's waaaaaay too short to not be having amazing sex at your age, baby or no baby.

You're never going to meet a man who actually wants you to enjoy sex as long as you're stuck with this clown.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

He's shit in bed He's always been shit in bed How did you end up in a committed relationship with someone so crap and selfish in bed?

Personally I'd be out the door, life's waaaaaay too short to not be having amazing sex at your age, baby or no baby.

You're never going to meet a man who actually wants you to enjoy sex as long as you're stuck with this clown.

Yup. This

He's a crap selfish lover who isn't interested in your pleasure. I know you've got a child but you're only 23. Don't waste your youth on someone like him.

I’ve wasted my life on crap sex in relationships don’t make the same mistake, you’ve only got one life.

We just had an argument again about it all. Turns out he didnt know what to do about it so apparently did nothing. He also blamed other things on his mind yeah right

I know for a fact if it was him approaching me about this he would expect something to come out of it whether i had other things on my mind or not

@DDMAC you was right. He admitted to sorting himself out. When i asked when he never came to me instead he gave me some crap about it being transactional then which the tone of it would all depend on him and if he was more giving than taking. So a bunch of crap then

Let’s be honest, he doesn’t know what to do, that’s fine if you’ve never told him. Explain it in a very simple way.

This is how to make me orgasm, do this, not this and the main thing, don’t forget to tell him “Do not stop until I say!”. Hahaha, that bit is SO important.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with sorting yourself out- that’s normal.

@NoNameHere12 but thats why its an excuse. Because we already had this talk and a plan of action set out. He agreed next time needed to be more about me but instead there has been no next time. There is a problem with him sorting himself out when he'd rather do that than have sex.

Last night I suggested you take a few days to calm down and reflect.

Now you've had an argument.

Regardless of whether you leave or work to resolve your issues, kids don't need to live in a house where mum and dad are arguing about sex.

Regardless of his behaviour, I still think you can approach this better and more constructively.

Things don't need to get nasty or angry words exchanged and everytime they do, sex becomes less appealing to you both.

I'm not commenting on your situation, I am suggesting a little calmness and reflection might help you prepare yourself for a better conversation, the lack of which would seem to be a good part of the problem.