Just can't get over this

[Wontgoquietly]

My ex dp left me halfway through treatment for advanced cancer. He dumped me by text after 3 years living together and collected his belongings whilst I was at hospital having chemo. He never fully explained his reasoning for leaving. Just cited he had to make a decision for his children SS AND SD

Admittedly my DD and SS hadn't been getting along SS was very jealous of dd and unpleasant towards her at times but it wasn't anything awful or that couldn't be dealt with. SD and DD were the best of friends.

It coincided with me asking him to contribute more financially as I could no longer hold the Fort on reduced income due to illness.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left bar the odd text from me asking for some kind of closure as I feel completely blindsided by what happened. He has never expanded or explained his reason for leaving me.

Amazingly and against all odds I got the all clear a couple of weeks ago but the last 4 months have been hell on earth for me and dd. (9)
She has had to witness things no child ever should have. She was forced to become my sole carer at such a young age. The damage to us both is extensive. I've requested counciling as suspect ptsd but I'm on a waiting list. Dd is receiving support at school.

I can't forgive him for what he has put us both through and my thoughts are consumed by his actions. I want to hate him but the truth is I just miss him and the SC terribly. I don't know how I can ever get passed this.

He contacted me recently and stated he never stopped loving me and he thought he was making the right decision at the time. I could never forgive him but feel i need to speak to him to understand why he hurt me at a point in my life when I needed him the most.

Part of me wants to reach out and ask to meet but the other just screams no contact. The thing is, i don't think I can move on without some kind of honest explanation.

I should be ecstatic I survived but instead I find myself left with a life full of struggle and pain and asking why me?!

Ah I can hear the pain in this post. Screaming from the pages.

Firstly well bloody done 💐 you realise you just won a bloody war with your all clear.
It's so bloody hard and of course there's going to be casualties in war. Remember you didn't bring along this war - cancer came and took over and you didn't do anything wrong.

Do you think DH was depressed ? Do you think counselling would help ? Do you want him back ?

You cannot make anyone love you, but for love to exist it needs communication from both sides ! You cannot talk to a wall. Can you truly forgive him for what he did ?

Decide what you your future to be like and then go from there. You only live once, you might as well make sure you live happy.

Congratulations again !

Fucking hell. What a twat. I’m not surprised you can’t get over it.

I’m not convinced that he can help you though. Whatever he says, you’ll be thinking but why? (because really, there’s no excuse for what he did!)

Can you self refer for talking therapy in your area? Here, it’s ‘First Steps’ and self referral sometimes gets you seen more quickly that via a GP. Or double check if you’re entitled to it through insurance / union membership / macmillan? Essentially, it sounds like talking to someone (not him) will help you process everything that has happened to you

Christ almighty he's a despicable and cowardly mother fucker without a doubt. I'd only have virtual contact cause I'd probably lamp him if it were me. Congrats on your recent good news.

I'm just so incredibly sad about it all. I cry every single day. I fought so hard to live yet my life will never be the same.

I can't forgive him. I hate myself for still loving him and I wish I could just erase him from my memories. The way it happened was so cold. I can't get my head around how anyone would do that to another person. At the time is was so incredibly ill. I was in and out of hospital for weeks a d weeks at a time and oretrt much bed bound.

He knew how sick I was. He knew I couldn't look after myself let alone my child. After he left I refused treatment for a while as I just couldn't face it and when I should have been hospitalised I refused to go for fear of losing custody of my child.
He knew what his actions would cause. I couldn't and wouldn't put my worst enemy through that.

We had a pretty good relationship. We didn't argue at all. But my illness had a negative impact on him and he began to spiral out of control with alcohol. He didn't actively support me through any of my treatment really. Just sought solace at the bottom of a bottle I guess. It coincided with lockdown and furlough and he spent most days drunk.

There hadn't been any real issues before that. I'm just a broken shell of my former self at the moment.
It's all I think about over and over on repeat

@Wontgoquietly right so based on your most recent post. I take everything I said back re DH.
Set him alight with a load of petrol and let this man go up in smoke in your head. Do not focus anymore on this awful human being. Absolutely bloody nothing, you are grieving and I want you to delete his number and let him drown in that bottle.

You need some counselling - Macmillan can offer support and point you on right direction.

Your daughter will recover and bound back, promise. You will get stronger and you definitely do not want this man back.

I'm so angry while typing this for you on your behalf.

PUT HIM IN THE BIN 🗑

OP - first, congratulations. And hope you will have a long and healthy life ahead of you.
Second - give your head a shake.
It’s been a short relationship. And he is a weak person you don’t want as a partner.

He can’t be relied upon in the then of crisis - he makes it about him and drinks his sorrows away.
He is weak and cowardly. There is no more explanation or closure than that.

You are doing yourself and your daughter a disservice by being stuck obsessing over someone this useless.

Don’t waste this gift you have received. You have a life with your young daughter that you need to live.

I don't want him back. As I said I could never forgive him. But I do need some sort of closure. A reasoning that actually makes sense as to why he did what he did.

I'm a good person and all I did was love and support him and his children. I gave them a home and security. I stood by him and supported him yet he threw it all back in my face at my most vulnerable moment.

There has to be more. I need to process what happened and greive and move on. I feel cheated out of what I thought my future would look like and I'm so sad and angry about that.

I can't block him unfortunately as we have a financial tie that's unresolved. I wish I could.

It took me by surprise when he contacted me saying the things he said. It's probably because I "look" better. I treated myself to a real hair wig thats undetectable and my features are returning. On the surface I look well. I look like the old me iyswim rather than the pitiful sight I was at the time.

He hasn't moved on... I think he's realised he has royally fucked up but that's his problem. I can't forgive him.

I wasn't a short relationship. We lived together for 3 years we were together longer. There was no issues before. He was my best friend. We did everything together.

That's what gets me so sad! I just want to understand why?!

@Wontgoquietly because damaged people fundamentally damage other people if they haven't worked on themselves or their issues.

You won't get a proper or truthful answer out of this man. He probably doesn't truthfully know himself

You are grieving your relationship. Acknowledge the stages of grief, let them wash over you and live through them while being gentle with yourself.

This will pass. I promise you it will pass.

Ask him. I’m sorry about what happened to you. Clearly he has demons and perhaps he won’t give you a full answer, but unless you ask you won’t ever find out. That’s a really in humane thing to do.

Congratulations on beating cancer op!! Please don't give him any attention. What he did is unforgivable. Contact McMillan about support and help x

Why - because weak selfish people who love themselves more than you can’t stick around when times are tough. He didn’t want to be around a sick person. He was a fair weather partner. You needed him and he bailed. First he made it all about him but drinking in a woe is me fashion, then he completely bailed on you.
The closure is knowing he’s utterly selfish and loves himself far more than you. There’s no mystery to it.
Be thankful you didn’t spend your life with him and waste years and years more before finding this out.
Congratulations on winning your fight and getting a second chance to find someone better and live a wonderful life

Literally whilst you were having chemo for advanced cancer, he text you to dump you and had cleared out before you came home.

Are you fucking serious?

You don't need closure. You've got it. You got duped by a man who led you to believe he was one person, but you saw his true colours that day. The vilest of colours.

And now he realises the grass ain't greener, he "misses" you. He can fuck off with that as well. He doesn't care about you OP, no one that did could ever do that in a million years. Don't think he does now because it's cushty at your house.

I'm so angry for you.

You loved who you thought he was. Who he really is, is not the same thing. You don't need closure from this creature. Your closure is knowing what he truly is, and a person like that, their bullshit explanations don't even qualify as words.

You sound like an amazing strong person. He sounds like a weak, run away when the going gets tough, asshat.

I think you have to face up to the fact he isn't worthy of you and move on. He can't honestly give you closure, as what acceptable excuse can he come up with really?

What an absolute cunt, I am so, so angry on your behalf. I am struggling to think of anything lower than the way he has behaved. You will never get any sense out of a man like this. It's no coincidence that he's suddenly never stopped loving you now that you've made a recovery and he can take what he can from the table again.

Sell his behaviour is totally unforgiveable.what a cold,callous individual who left you when you needed him most. He must be entirely devoid any human emotion and compassion.well done for getting through the last few months. Concentrate on you and your dd. If I was you I would stay no contact- people always show their true sides in a crisis- he's shown you his - his was to run. You may never get a straight answer from him as to why. But you don't need one really. Actions speak louder than words. He does not deserve you ir your dd.

Could he stoop any lower ?

I can’t believe he left you in those circumstances. So sorry OP he did a shitty thing, he sounds kind of immature… and incredibly selfish. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy let alone my other half…

NO matter what he said, nothing of use would be revealed to you.
When life is pretty ok, weak people and cowards can hide in the normality. When the SHTF and you become seriously ill, then, and ONLY then, do you find out what they are really made of. Fight, flight or avoidance. Firstly he avoided (by drinking) then he took flight. He never chose to fight the problem with you. He is useless in a crisis. The kid thing was just an excuse.
This is commoner than people think.
He just couldn't handle the situation and decided to pull himself out.
Wishing you a happy life and hope you meet a man worthy of you.
Onwards!

OP I know you so desperately want an understanding and closure by talking to him. Please believe me when I say it really won’t help. You will still be left with why????. No explanation from him will resolve the fact of the horrendous thing he did to you. The only closure you will get is when you go through the painful grieving process and come out the other side. You will probably need professional help as you have experienced dreadful trauma on all sides. Make sure you get that support and stay as far away from this man as possible. You will ruminate and ruminate in your head for a while, it’s part of the process. Work through it. You are a survivor and you will survive this too xxx

I can tell you why, it'll save you the angst of having to ask and getting some half-assed excuse..
He is weak, unfortunately it is that simple. I suspect he loves you, in his way, but not all men have a backbone.
Congratulations on making it through, you are a warrior and way out of his league and I am guessing he has realised that now!

I'm so glad you've recovered physically - that must be such a huge relief to you and your lovely daughter. I know she took on a caring role with you at such a young age but you know what, the pride she should feel now is immense. Now is the time for you to care for her - and really go for it. Thank her for what she did (I'm sure you've done this) and tell her that everything's back to normal now: you are the mum, she's the daughter. What a little star she is.

As for your ex... It's very interesting that you say: It coincided with me asking him to contribute more financially as I could no longer hold the Fort on reduced income due to illness. I don't believe in coincidences. He just couldn't be an adult, could he? He couldn't think, god, she's going through so much, let's help out as much as possible. He couldn't talk to his son and say, "FFS what are you doing? Her daughter's watching her mum go through cancer - behave yourself!" He just ran off, leaving you ill, broke and desperately worried about losing your child to her dad. There are no words for someone like him.

I think you should have counselling and it might be a good idea if your daughter could have some, too. She must have worried so much about you and then lost her step-sister and step-father, too. (Doubt she was too bothered about losing the step-brother.)

Stay strong now. You've been through hell but you're out of it now and on the way to forging a wonderful life for you and your daughter.

Some people simply cannot take responsibility and find it impossible to step up and look after a sick partner. I have come across men who leave their wives when pregnant and return after the birth. He is one of those.

I have asked him he gives me the same pitiful one liner. I did it for my kids?! Honestly there was NO real issues between the children. I've seen worse between biological siblings and the fact he onky had access eow and in the run up to him leaving I was hospitalised and my dd with family meant the children had barely had any contact for months together.
Your all right... he isn't worth the head space I know that but I can't help.it. it's just the type of person I am I guess. I'm going to chase up the counciling appointment next week a d speak to.work to see if they can offer anything as part of my benefits package.

It's just a shit place to be.. 8n tour 40s bald lonely AF single and Christmas around the corner too. I'll be alone on the day as its dd dad's turn with her this year. Not being at work (I'm still very weak) also means I have hours and hours in ny own mulling everything over.
I almost died a couple of times and I'm so grateful I'm still here but everything is just so bloody hard atm.

Thank tou for all your kind words. X

Congratulations on making it through.

If you do meet him, I really think you would benefit from professional support before and after because there is a real possibility that nothing he can say will help. You will likely have more questions than answers.

I did read something a while ago about how much more likely men are to leave their partners when they become severely unwell. For him to do it in such a cowardly way as well just adds insult to injury.

I don't think talking to him about it will help or bring any type of closure because there's nothing really he can say that will justify his behaviour.

Whatever he says won't make sense to you because it's not something you would ever think of doing, so you will always wonder why. You will always try and find a justification but there isn't any.