Just can't get over this

[Wontgoquietly]

My ex dp left me halfway through treatment for advanced cancer. He dumped me by text after 3 years living together and collected his belongings whilst I was at hospital having chemo. He never fully explained his reasoning for leaving. Just cited he had to make a decision for his children SS AND SD

Admittedly my DD and SS hadn't been getting along SS was very jealous of dd and unpleasant towards her at times but it wasn't anything awful or that couldn't be dealt with. SD and DD were the best of friends.

It coincided with me asking him to contribute more financially as I could no longer hold the Fort on reduced income due to illness.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left bar the odd text from me asking for some kind of closure as I feel completely blindsided by what happened. He has never expanded or explained his reason for leaving me.

Amazingly and against all odds I got the all clear a couple of weeks ago but the last 4 months have been hell on earth for me and dd. (9)
She has had to witness things no child ever should have. She was forced to become my sole carer at such a young age. The damage to us both is extensive. I've requested counciling as suspect ptsd but I'm on a waiting list. Dd is receiving support at school.

I can't forgive him for what he has put us both through and my thoughts are consumed by his actions. I want to hate him but the truth is I just miss him and the SC terribly. I don't know how I can ever get passed this.

He contacted me recently and stated he never stopped loving me and he thought he was making the right decision at the time. I could never forgive him but feel i need to speak to him to understand why he hurt me at a point in my life when I needed him the most.

Part of me wants to reach out and ask to meet but the other just screams no contact. The thing is, i don't think I can move on without some kind of honest explanation.

I should be ecstatic I survived but instead I find myself left with a life full of struggle and pain and asking why me?!

I'm so sorry you and your DD have gone through such a terrible time and so glad you've come out the other side. I would suggest you write him a letter, telling him how much he's let you down and either send it, as he might reply to explain why (I doubt it though), or bin it once you've got it out of your system. It does help.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Wontgoquietly right so based on your most recent post. I take everything I said back re DH.
Set him alight with a load of petrol and let this man go up in smoke in your head. Do not focus anymore on this awful human being. Absolutely bloody nothing, you are grieving and I want you to delete his number and let him drown in that bottle.

You need some counselling - Macmillan can offer support and point you on right direction.

Your daughter will recover and bound back, promise. You will get stronger and you definitely do not want this man back.

I'm so angry while typing this for you on your behalf.

PUT HIM IN THE BIN 🗑 [/quote]
Yes, burn him, put him in the bin. I am so sorry for what you have been through, no wonder you are traumatised and struggling. But thank goodness you have the all clear. You have time and with support you and your daughter will both be able to heal from this. Just because it is hard does not mean you will not recover emotionally. I strongly believe that you can and will, you do not need his help to do that, you have certainly proven that already!!

@Wontgoquietly

I'm just so incredibly sad about it all. I cry every single day. I fought so hard to live yet my life will never be the same.

I can't forgive him. I hate myself for still loving him and I wish I could just erase him from my memories. The way it happened was so cold. I can't get my head around how anyone would do that to another person. At the time is was so incredibly ill. I was in and out of hospital for weeks a d weeks at a time and oretrt much bed bound.

He knew how sick I was. He knew I couldn't look after myself let alone my child. After he left I refused treatment for a while as I just couldn't face it and when I should have been hospitalised I refused to go for fear of losing custody of my child.
He knew what his actions would cause. I couldn't and wouldn't put my worst enemy through that.

We had a pretty good relationship. We didn't argue at all. But my illness had a negative impact on him and he began to spiral out of control with alcohol. He didn't actively support me through any of my treatment really. Just sought solace at the bottom of a bottle I guess. It coincided with lockdown and furlough and he spent most days drunk.

There hadn't been any real issues before that. I'm just a broken shell of my former self at the moment.
It's all I think about over and over on repeat

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. This is one of the most heart-breaking posts I've read on MN and I understand why you feel the way you do- you feel this way because you are human and he kicked you whilst you were down. Not only that, but he was too weak to support you when you were so sick and left you, a seriously ill person, on your own with a child. He's a sorry excuse for a man I'm sad to say. This reminds me of the line from a Eurythmics songs that goes "They say the greatest cowards can hurt the most ferociously!" and I have experienced it, though I was nowhere near as vulnerable as you when it was done to me. I don't think you could ever be happy with someone so weak and cowardly and selfish again. He has shown you that when you need him most he will not hold you up but let you fall flat on the ground, then he will run and leave you there! I too hated the man who did that to me for quite a while but the good news is, I got over that and you will too, but you must not contact nor see him. There is nothing he could say nor do that would ever undo what he's done because he has shattered the trust!. You need time away from him to heal and, even more crucially, you need to ensure he never gets another opportunity to hurt you again. Only when you have got to the state of indifference, or feeling that combination of mild contempt combined with pity for his weakness, would it be safe for you to have contact with him again. You now need to concentrate on healing emotionally, loving yourself and your child and spending time with people who are good to you and whom you can trust. I wish you all the very best OP and please believe me when I say you can and will heal from this! You are obviously very strong and a fighter and deserve a much better man than he will ever be! Sending you a hug!

If all he can give you is pitiful one liners I doubt you'll get much else as time goes on. What he did was despicable. Its an unspoken ugly reality that men often leave their partners when they get very ill. He doesnt have big boy pants so he can't pull em up. Only there for the good times. A better option is to get the counselling. Get better and let him see your upward March. Do you have close friends. Anyone you can spend some time with during the holidays. You so deserve people to support and encourage you right now x

OP you are amazing.

You have come through so much and on top of that dealt with yellow belly ex, what a fucking hero running off because you asked for a bit more money and some support. Do you, of all people, need this anti-hero in your life? Short easy answer, no you do not.

So you have Christmas with your daughter the day she comes back, you relax on Christmas day and let BBC entertain you, EastEnders Christmas is always good because usually you watch it thinking "thank god we're not them!"

He is such a fucking hero he can't even communicate with you and prefers alcohol.

You have a new chapter ahead next year and beyond, he wouldn't be able to keep up anyway.

You don't need him, you clearly never did, he was only there because you wanted him at the time you forgot that understandably.

So make some Christmas biscuits, fill the house with cinnamon and sugar with your daughter.

Put the radio on and embrace all you have and have fought and come through.

He's not worthy.
Don't forget that.

Wishing you and your DD a cosy, forward looking festive break.

You are strong. he is weak.

He is so weak, he's hiding behind his children as an excuse for his cowardice.

You and your daughter - you are strong as steel that has been tempered by the fire. Keep focussing on the two of you, and your recovery.

Kia Kaha. (Keep Strong). Aroha Nui (much love).

You are quite some woman.

He is not any sort of a man.

he is using the excuse of 'the kids' because it makes him sound as if he did something heroic, when in reality he tried to blot reality with alcohol, and, when you asked him to actually step up, emotionally and financially, he bailed because being the support wasnt on his radar. He wanted to be looked after (did I catch that you moved him and his kids into YOUR house?
Now that it appears that the crisis is over, he has come slinking back, hoping to get back on track with his feet under your table.
He is scum. He couldnt even pretend to care

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you - what a heartbreaking, difficult year you've had. No wonder you feel exhausted from it all.

What leaps out from your posts is that he has prioritised one person throughout this whole experience. HIM. He could feel that while you were ill and struggling that he was spiralling downwards and because you couldn't prop him up or take care of him, his response was to leave. This has nothing to do with his children. His failings, such as his drinking and his lack of work, in his warped mind, were all a direct result of being with you and he took the chance to go and prioritise his needs over yours at the time you were at your most vulnerable and weakest. This beyond the pale - especially knowing what it would mean practically for you and your child, as well as the emotional upset it would cause. For him, his needs came first, and this won't ever change.

My advice to you right now is to give yourself permission to feel all the feelings. Feel the sorrow and the hurt, and I promise, they won't always feel this overwhelming. The biggest disappointment is that he wasn't the person you believed him to be, and he wasn't prepared to put you first or the needs of your daughter who was already going through so much.

For Christmas, embrace the day with your daughter whichever day that may be. When she's not with you, treat yourself to easy, delicious food, some great TV or books, have lie ins and long baths and celebrate your recovery because it really does deserve to be celebrated. You are incredible and you deserve so much, and while right now, this feels extraordinarily painful, it will get better.

I’m angry for you OP! He has shown you who he is.

I bet there’s someone SO much more worthy of you right round the corner

Thank you every single one of you who has taken the time to respond. Every message makes perfect sense and I'm In tears at the fact a world of strangers understands how I feel better than the man who claimed to love me. ❤
A previous poster hit the nail on the head when they said he bolted rather than parent his children and support the woman who had stood by him un wavering for years. He is a lazy coward who doesn't deserve my headspace. I wish my head would bloody catch up though!
I'm going to have a good old sob and try my damndedest to pit him in the fuck it bucket and move on.

You're all right. He will never take ownership of what he did or give me any kind of explanation that can make the hurt any lesser than what it is.

I've bloked him. If he wants to sort the financial issue he can go via a solicitor.

Head has been firmly wobbled

OP you sound wonderful and strong. He is an utterly despicable excuse of a man. It sounds like you have exactly the right attitude, and I wish you all the happiness for the future

Yes I agree with @Beebyonthewold you do sound wonderful and strong!

You have been through such a hard time and it’s not really surprising that you’d now be analysing this in this way. His behaviour is shocking.

You know what, I can imagine him coming back down the line, even in a year or two. I hope by then you’re firmly settled with someone who deserves you! You will get there, take it easy and day by day x

Op, you’ve had the shitest of shit times. It might not feel like it but you are doing SO WELL!!! Concentrate on you and your DC. I totally understand the need for closure, but asking for closure from this vile specimen is, unfortunately, utterly pointless. He is NEVER going to say “I’m a weak vile shithead who abandoned a throughly decent woman when she needed me the most”. You know that that is the truth. . We know that that that is the truth. . And ultimately, what YOU believe is all that matters. He is not a nice person and absolutely, definitively nowhere NEAR good enough for you. Stay strong, keep focusing on that inner warrior….much better times ahead xxxx

Closure is something people get in a romantic comedy.
Real life is different.
You have your closure.
He discarded you in a cruel and monstrous way.

Devoid of empathy.
Probably discarded you as you were no good to him/needed something /was dying.

It's hard to believe these people exist. These con artists. He is a fraud.
Now it's looking like you might be in a position to supply him again (validation, sex, services) so he is interested.

Run.

Get therapy to sort out this emptiness in you, this lack of self love that has led you to consider getting back into some kind of relationship with this utter vampire.
Validate yourself.

@Buildingthefuture
He may well say "“I’m a weak vile shithead who abandoned a throughly decent woman when she needed me the most”.
To give OP the illusion of power, that she has been seen/validated by him.

Tactics.

The only safe way is to stay away from the user.

@Moretodo a little harsh don't you think?

I don't want him back. I could never forgive him
But I will always feel like I NEED an explanation as it came out of yhe blue. I was completely blindsided by it all.

I've spent the last 4 month focusing on staying alive and keeping my daughter with me. Because if I had lost her I would have most certainly given up.

During the last 4 months the only contact i had from him was to hound me about the financial situation and try to bully me into something I wasn't able to do

It's onky now my treatment jas stopped that I can stop and take in everything that has happened and ut just keeps replaying in my head.

He never asked once how I was after he left. Yet now I've had the all clear hes "happy I'm better, misses me and has always loved me"

I maybe week but I am no fool. I hope for my heart and heads sake that I can find it within myself to forgive him at some point in my life because carrying the burden of hurt is exhausting. But forgiveness doesn't grant him access to me or my life. Forgiveness would be my closure I think. And to forgive him I need to understand why he did what he did..

I hope that makes sense?!

Sorry for all the typos. On phone and have some lasting neuropathy/issues.

Are you referring to what I said about closure as harsh?
Do you think from looking at his conduct he is mature enough to sit down and honestly analyse the situation? Most people aren't.

You need to be very careful about getting into a conversation with him.
Maybe your own motive is for him to say sorry he's made a terrible mistake, and for you not to feel devalued and worthless.

Continue to focus on yourself and your dd, keep him out of your life.
What more do you want to see?

If you don't think there's any value or truth in what I've said, ignore.

I wish you a full return to complete health.

I'm a good person and all I did was love and support him and his children. I gave them a home and security. I stood by him and supported him yet he threw it all back in my face at my most vulnerable moment.

OP if he ever tries to excuse his behaviour or make an excuse of it was for my kids, you need to tell him this, he's a weak cowardly man, I hope he never gets over the shame of what he did to you and your child.

Cancer and its treatment can have an intense emotional impact in and of itself, so it's understandable that you don't feel like you. Be kind to yourself. x

But my illness had a negative impact on him and he began to spiral out of control with alcohol. He didn't actively support me through any of my treatment really. Just sought solace at the bottom of a bottle I guess.

He's not a good partner for anyone @Wontgoquietly or potentially a good friend. He becomes self-absorbed and lets others down when they would most benefit from support.

If you see him to get him to supposedly explain, he'll just say hurtful things to justify what he did, or grovel and you risk being reeled back in to be hurt again.

Blocking him would be the best thing, as soon as you possibly can.

He is a lazy coward who doesn't deserve my headspace.
I'm going to have a good old sob and try my damndedest to pit him in the fuck it bucket and move on.
I've blocked him.

That's it be angry OP, this situation merits it. 'Fuck it bucket' I love it lol. Well done for blocking him. Make sure he's blocked on everything- email etc.

But I will always feel like I NEED an explanation as it came out of yhe blue. I was completely blindsided by it all.

Some men are the least supportive when others need it most. That's what it boils down to.

During the last 4 months the only contact i had from him was to hound me about the financial situation and try to bully me into something I wasn't able to do

Well done for not letting him bully you.

He never asked once how I was after he left. Yet now I've had the all clear hes "happy I'm better, misses me and has always loved me"

Yes it's called being a bit of a fair weather friend.

Forgiveness would be my closure I think. And to forgive him I need to understand why he did what he did.

He did it because he didn't want to know, didn't want to step up and support you and your DC when you were ill. Your supposed partner! It's unforgiveable.

Forgiveness isn't the only closure. You got slightly more (rightly) angry and/or recognized that he could hurt you some more and blocked him. Well done, be proud of yourself for taking care of yourself. If any more proof were needed after what you've been through, it shows that you're not weak. It should make you feel good about yourself that you didn't entertain the bullshit of this arsehole any more, you did the best thing for you and your DC. Well done. x

Op you are amazing, Im in awe of your strength!

Even if you sat down with this despicable pathetic specimen of humanity, even if he gave you an answer… it would mean nothing. Because the only answer for what he did is that he is weak and selfish.

There will be no closure because every answer he can give you points to him not being the man you thought he was.

You deserve all sorts of wonderful things including the best of partners who would not walk away when you need support, and I hope it comes to you x

It's not just what he put you through, which is despicable enough, but he forced your 9 year old daughter to become your sole carer and that will undoubtedly have consequences on her mental health for the rest of her life. This man is the epitome of scumbag. He did that to your daughter. Stop giving him a platform.

@mbosnz What lovely words for OP 🥰

Well done for everything, including deciding to block him.

I can tell you why he did it-- he felt scared and resentful about what your illness was going to do to his life, his plans, his enjoyment, his independence. He valued his own wishes above caring for you when you needed him most. 'I did it for the kids' is the lie he is telling himself, because to do otherwise would be to face something very unpleasant about himself. It's a shockingly awful way to find out who he really is (weak, not worthy of you, not the man you thought he was).

I really understand the need for closure and explanations but you wont be able to get that from him. He's still lying to himself about why he did it, so there is no way he can be truthful with you.

Perhaps you could write a letter to him saying exactly what he put you through, tell him how you feel. You may not even choose to send it, but that could be your closure.

Also, deep down he knows what he did and what he is even though he's in full denial mode. That's a hell of a thing to live with and is his punishment, on top of losing you and his good family situation.

Remember that you have been through a terrible traumatising time. You are going to feel raw and bruised for a while but you will heal emotionally over time. As you heal, you will feel more able to deal with what he did.

It's annoying that everything takes time and strength. I do wish more things could be quick and easy! But you'll get there. Much love.