Just can't get over this

[Wontgoquietly]

My ex dp left me halfway through treatment for advanced cancer. He dumped me by text after 3 years living together and collected his belongings whilst I was at hospital having chemo. He never fully explained his reasoning for leaving. Just cited he had to make a decision for his children SS AND SD

Admittedly my DD and SS hadn't been getting along SS was very jealous of dd and unpleasant towards her at times but it wasn't anything awful or that couldn't be dealt with. SD and DD were the best of friends.

It coincided with me asking him to contribute more financially as I could no longer hold the Fort on reduced income due to illness.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left bar the odd text from me asking for some kind of closure as I feel completely blindsided by what happened. He has never expanded or explained his reason for leaving me.

Amazingly and against all odds I got the all clear a couple of weeks ago but the last 4 months have been hell on earth for me and dd. (9)
She has had to witness things no child ever should have. She was forced to become my sole carer at such a young age. The damage to us both is extensive. I've requested counciling as suspect ptsd but I'm on a waiting list. Dd is receiving support at school.

I can't forgive him for what he has put us both through and my thoughts are consumed by his actions. I want to hate him but the truth is I just miss him and the SC terribly. I don't know how I can ever get passed this.

He contacted me recently and stated he never stopped loving me and he thought he was making the right decision at the time. I could never forgive him but feel i need to speak to him to understand why he hurt me at a point in my life when I needed him the most.

Part of me wants to reach out and ask to meet but the other just screams no contact. The thing is, i don't think I can move on without some kind of honest explanation.

I should be ecstatic I survived but instead I find myself left with a life full of struggle and pain and asking why me?!

He said it was for his DC to justify his actions to himself. The real reason is because he is weak and self serving.

I know it's hard. I think he will try to come back. What he has done is unforgivable.

This is a "thing" OP, low quality men abandoning very unwell partners at a much higher rate than the statistical average - and women leave less than the statistic average when their partner is ill. Of course, they would expect full palliative care from her, they simply never intended to return the favour.

They never change, don't ever take him back.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

mobile.twitter.com/thegates0fmel/status/1230183178998099968

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/

journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022146515596354

I'm so sorry op my god . You are a strong woman well done . He has shown his true colours and what an unbelievable thing to do when you needed him . I can't even use the words human being because that's too good for him he's scum , he will never say sorry ever because that's who he is a coward. I've been through something similar to you, not cancer but serious health and month long coma to have to discharge myself after 10 days of coming out of it because ss were going take my child because her dad wasn't looking after her.

And whoever suggested burn him pass me the petrol I would gladly do it for you op I'm so angry on your behalf.

He left because you "inconvenienced" him. Now you are less unwell he thinks the old dynamic will remain.

He wants you back now because you are well and I suspect he's being judged negatively for the twat that he is.

Leaving just proves he was never in it for the long haul and his love was conditional.

@Wontgoquietly First of all, congratulations on your all clear. That is some mountain you and your DD have just climbed together. Be proud of both of you. This will make you an even stronger unit, and your DD will see your strenght and be inspired by you.

I'm pleased you've blocked him. It is clear that he was happy to use you for a roof / money, and as soon as you needed practical and financial support he did a runner. When you needed him most. When the alternative was that your child would end up as your carer, he walked away. And didn't enquire about you. Even if he's telling the truth about 'doing it for his children' why did that stop him showing any concern at all? But of course he isn't telling the truth. He is one of life's takers. He wanted to be looked after, and as soon as you couldn't do that you had no use to him. He is dispicable.

With regard to the asset that you jointly own, when it comes to selling it and dividing the proceeds, as well as ensuring he only gets an amount proportionate to what he put in, also deduct the running costs and the cost of living in your home for 3 years, as he never contributed. Call it rent and household expenses. Let him get a solicitor if he wants to argue that.

And with regard to the future. Remember - you have survived cancer. You have your lovely daughet. You are well shut of that vile man. You have lots of Christmases to look forward to with DD. As for this Christmas, can you agree a second Christmas Day with DD? I have friends who do that with children they are separated from on the day - just agree that Christmas Day in your house is actually 27th December (or whatever date).

Do you have someone you can spend the day with, or meet for a walk this year? Or have a day of relaxation and self care, lovely films and eating too much chocolate.

Much love to you. You are a star.

Funny how he left when you needed help and had asked for more financial support. He sounds like a cocklodger who has now realised what a bloody amazing situation he was in and wants back in. Please don’t allow him back, OP. He dumped you at the worst time of your life with a flimsy excuse. Pathetic.

Keep your anger.

He is so selfish he left knowing your DD would have to be cared

I remember your other thread I seriously think he is just trying to worm his way to get his money sooner and live for free at your expense and have you doing the drudgery of parenting his kids

@Wontgoquietly, I'm so pleased you've found your anger, and with it your big girl pants.
I'm a cancer survivor too and it takes a good while before you feel better, physically and emotionally, so it's no surprise your arsewipe ex is playing on your mind, your fear and pain of the cancer are all tied up with his disgraceful behaviour.
I can only echo everyone else, he's a loser, a user and a sad waste of space, how dare he ask you for money. Don't worry about doing the right thing, he didn't.
Have a good Christmas with your DD and forget him

@PicsInRed I've spent the morning with a coffee reading the article and subsequent twitter thread and I'm gobsmacked and saddened that this occurs so often.

What saddens me the most is my ex probably just added to the pond scum of future assholes by showing his son that this is an acceptable way to treat a woman.

Disgusting

Adding to that article my ex who left me suddenly for the OW did exactly the same. 3 years into their relationship she had breast cancer....he left her and then contacted me to see if I would have a conversation about returning to me. I was gobsmacked...these men need locking up and throwing away the key.

@litterbird, what a lucky escape you had. I'm sure you were very upset at the time but what a vile man he turned put to be

@MollysDolly

Literally whilst you were having chemo for advanced cancer, he text you to dump you and had cleared out before you came home.

Are you fucking serious?

You don't need closure. You've got it. You got duped by a man who led you to believe he was one person, but you saw his true colours that day. The vilest of colours.

And now he realises the grass ain't greener, he "misses" you. He can fuck off with that as well. He doesn't care about you OP, no one that did could ever do that in a million years. Don't think he does now because it's cushty at your house.

I'm so angry for you.

You loved who you thought he was. Who he really is, is not the same thing. You don't need closure from this creature. Your closure is knowing what he truly is, and a person like that, their bullshit explanations don't even qualify as words.

Totally agree xx

[quote Wontgoquietly]@PicsInRed I've spent the morning with a coffee reading the article and subsequent twitter thread and I'm gobsmacked and saddened that this occurs so often.

What saddens me the most is my ex probably just added to the pond scum of future assholes by showing his son that this is an acceptable way to treat a woman.

Disgusting[/quote]
When I first read about this phenomenon, I found the knowledge both profoundly disappointing - and also profoundly freeing.

Well done on recoveryfor you.
I think you need to change your mindset here a little bit, its him thats lost out not you as you seem like a very strong and loyal person but I think you are well shot of him and he had probably felt that way for a long time about the relationship.Please don't blame your illness for the reason he left because believe me this man was going to leave anyway and consider yourself lucky he is nit in your life you deserve soo much better

I'm so angry on your behalf.

Sending love

I’m gobsmacked about these statistics. I supported my husband through his cancer journey and it was hell but there was not one moment when I thought I might rather leave. How utterly vile and depressing.

I've decided against speaking with him at all. Even though I feel I need to understand what really happene, I know in my heart, there is nothing he can say or do that will help me get over the betrayal.

It'd be easier for me if the was another woman I think. At least there'd be a clear explanation. (I've asked him.. he's always said there isn't and 5 months on no OW has appeared)

In other news I've been asked out on a date! It's probably too soon but a drink and a chat with a tall dark handsome stranger maybe the distraction I need.

Who knew someone would be interested... bald and broken clearly has a few fans after all ha ha

Woo hoo @Wontgoquietly ! congrats on the all clear and congrats on the date! Who cares if it’s too soon - you don’t have to say yes. Just smile and get excited about the next chapter in your life.

And big hugs to you and your DD. What a little superhero!

And congrats on showing your DD that you don’t need a half witted douchebag like you ex! You both deserve better xx