Just can't get over this

[Wontgoquietly]

My ex dp left me halfway through treatment for advanced cancer. He dumped me by text after 3 years living together and collected his belongings whilst I was at hospital having chemo. He never fully explained his reasoning for leaving. Just cited he had to make a decision for his children SS AND SD

Admittedly my DD and SS hadn't been getting along SS was very jealous of dd and unpleasant towards her at times but it wasn't anything awful or that couldn't be dealt with. SD and DD were the best of friends.

It coincided with me asking him to contribute more financially as I could no longer hold the Fort on reduced income due to illness.

I haven't seen or spoken to him since he left bar the odd text from me asking for some kind of closure as I feel completely blindsided by what happened. He has never expanded or explained his reason for leaving me.

Amazingly and against all odds I got the all clear a couple of weeks ago but the last 4 months have been hell on earth for me and dd. (9)
She has had to witness things no child ever should have. She was forced to become my sole carer at such a young age. The damage to us both is extensive. I've requested counciling as suspect ptsd but I'm on a waiting list. Dd is receiving support at school.

I can't forgive him for what he has put us both through and my thoughts are consumed by his actions. I want to hate him but the truth is I just miss him and the SC terribly. I don't know how I can ever get passed this.

He contacted me recently and stated he never stopped loving me and he thought he was making the right decision at the time. I could never forgive him but feel i need to speak to him to understand why he hurt me at a point in my life when I needed him the most.

Part of me wants to reach out and ask to meet but the other just screams no contact. The thing is, i don't think I can move on without some kind of honest explanation.

I should be ecstatic I survived but instead I find myself left with a life full of struggle and pain and asking why me?!

Jesus what a despicable human being and a shitty role model for his kids. You on the other hand sound like a fantastic role model and although you and your DD have been through hell its sounds like you are through it now and your right its PTSD. Of course it is your processing what he did and searching for answers. I dont think you will find any other than in your hour of need he showed you you cannot rely on him he is weak and cold and unkind. He cares more about himself and his kids than you. That's tough to hear after 3 years but you should be so thankful that you get to live. To see your beautiful daughter grow up each day is a blessing trt hard not to let him into your thoughts whilst you wait for the counselling. I hope you have wonderful Christmas for the time DD is with you.

[quote Wontgoquietly]@Moretodo a little harsh don't you think?

I don't want him back. I could never forgive him
But I will always feel like I NEED an explanation as it came out of yhe blue. I was completely blindsided by it all.

I've spent the last 4 month focusing on staying alive and keeping my daughter with me. Because if I had lost her I would have most certainly given up.

During the last 4 months the only contact i had from him was to hound me about the financial situation and try to bully me into something I wasn't able to do

It's onky now my treatment jas stopped that I can stop and take in everything that has happened and ut just keeps replaying in my head.

He never asked once how I was after he left. Yet now I've had the all clear hes "happy I'm better, misses me and has always loved me"

I maybe week but I am no fool. I hope for my heart and heads sake that I can find it within myself to forgive him at some point in my life because carrying the burden of hurt is exhausting. But forgiveness doesn't grant him access to me or my life. Forgiveness would be my closure I think. And to forgive him I need to understand why he did what he did..

I hope that makes sense?![/quote]
Do we ever need to forgive anyone?
There are more positions than simply ‘hate him’ and ‘forgive him’.
You seem like you are hoping for an explanation which will disperse your anger and that may not be realistic.

This might be tremendously unhelpful, and I have little experience of this- but statistically, his behaviour is utterly, so disappointingly, common. Men leave women who need long term care, particularly cancer. Women move back in with ex-partners to care for them.
There is no legitimate reason for it, you should feel angry. He was taking care of himself first. He let you down. He put your daughter in a terrible position. That was his fault.
How awful for you and how justified is your hurt and anger.
Your confusion and your seeking some explanation to help you forgive him shows you think better of him than you need to. Probably because you would not do what he did.

Anger can be a tool- an incredibly ferocious energy to drive you forwards. There are many ways to get closure- you are allowed to do this whilst still thinking badly of him.

I wonder also whether he made you feel vulnerable and powerless, and so you are looking to an interaction with him to repair yourself here?
You don’t need him. You have managed something immense by yourself, for your daughter

Y
"you seem like you are hoping for an explanation which will disperse your anger and that may not be realistic."

THIS.

Please don't ever contact the utter coward again.
Did you do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry and mental load? He sounds like such a scumbag I wouldn't be surprised if he thought there was no point sticking around if he wasn't going to be looked after.

Did you not say all of these things to him ie that he never asked how you were and kept bullying you? I would have been so angry with him, I think I would have let rip!

What does he mean when he says “he did it for the kids?” Did he explain this?

I think you are definitely better off without him but I get why your upset. Concentrate on yourself and DD and hopefully someone more deserving will come along.

I dont want to be totally outing with the info but if I'm honest I know in my heart he took me for a.royal ride and when things got tough he fooked off. Its that simple. I haven't done anything wrong so if it does out me and him so what.

He didn't contribute to the household bills. We met a short while after he separated from the SC Mother (6 months)

I helped him through the separation and he just kind of never went home. He did maintain his commitment to.the ex marital home (at least that's what he was telling me, I've since found out otherwise) and the plan was for us to go 50 50 once the fincial settlement had been agreed.

He sorted that side with ex a couple of weeks before he left (I know I know)

We were together sometime before the kids were aware which is why I said we'd lived together for 3 years but were together for a.considerable time before. (It was longer than 6 months I don't want to give exact timescales as finner details are outing)

His line of work took him away for a few nights a week so in his mind he didn't live with me but every night he wasn't working he was in my home. Fast forward to when he did move in and the work was local we introduced the children and blended families. But I maintained my home financially.

I adapted my home to accommodate the children.
At first SS took issue that his dad lived here (understandable) and became very jealous of dd. But eventually that was put to bed and things were much better until I became ill.

admittedly my dd was getting additional attention from friends and family as she was struggling. I timed my treatment specifically to minimise what his dc saw. The eow they came was my "best" days iyswim. My dd had to witness me bed bound for weeks at a time.

Ss behaviour worsened and one particular access weekend whilst on a mini break I was just exhausted and couldn't deal with it so I came home early with dd alone. My ex dp never returned... text me to say it was over on the day of my treatment and cleared his stuff out whilst I was at the hospital. I have never saw him again.

Ss behaviour was challenging to say the least and the day I left I asked ex to spend some one on one time with him to get to the bottom.of the issues and reassure him but explain the severity of my situation. I'm guessing that never happened.

It may have been challenging but it had been worse in the past and we'd got through it together as a United front. As I said the fall outs between sd and ss were 100% worse than any between dd and ss. It was just bickering mainly. Which is why I can't fathom how he can use that as an excuse.

Sd and dd really were the best of friends. I don't know..

I know I'm better off without him and looking back it's clear to see what he did and he took advantage of me until it no longer suited him. I'm just struggling with the fact a person could be that cruel after all I did for them.

I need the closure to move on. Atm I doubt I'll ever trust another human again and allow them to share my life and that in itself makes me sad because I'm lonely as hell.

The counciling route hopefully will help me process all of this.

And no he NEVER explained beyond he "left because it wasn't right for the children"

What an amazing strong woman you are op! I understand your need for closure I really do but you aren't going to get it from him, all you will get is pathetic excuses. There is no reason other than things got tough and he bailed. That's all there is to it you needed him to be there for you and he wasn't,that's truly devastating and I can feel the hurt in your post, it's always hard when someone turns out to be completely different to who you thought they were but it will get easier. You can and will get through it you've beaten cancer you have your life back now to start living the one you deserve with your wonderful daughter. Allow yourself to grieve this relationship, please be kind to yourself, you will come back from this even stronger.This time next year he won't even be a blip on your radar because you will be living your best life with those who love and cherish and deserve you. Take care op and congratulations ❤️

Hi OP

I think this is what everyone else has been saying, but it's completely normal to want to know why. I've seen strong rational women drive themselves and trying to work out someones motivations for ghosting them after a couple of dates. So for someone who was a significant part of your life at the most difficult time of your life, of course its normal to feel like you need closure.

But you aren't going to get it from him. Someone to left their partner, and more importantly, a vulnerable child at the worst time of their lives, because he couldn't step up (and coincidentally as soon as he had the money to leave) is not going to be honest. It takes massive strength of character and honesty to admit your true motivations and weaknesses and come out and acknowledge that you've behaved badly and the reasons for it....and he has not got any of these things.

He did it because he's a shit partner and parent. And only a complete and utter dick would actually come back when you're just getting on your feet and express regret which is again all about his own feelings and not about you or your feelings, its hardly the 'best thing for the kids' for them to come back into your life after all that upheaval.

What is the financial tie? Does he owe you money?

A colleague of mine had a very similar situation where her husband walked out on her when she was hospitalised after nearly dying from a rare and serious infection that has left her with long term life limiting issues. He left her with two kids to look after and cleared their joint account.. It was so shocking and she tied herself in knots for 3 years trying to get closure. She never got it because he’s a pathetic cowardly cunt.

Please don’t be her! She would be begging you to block him, find counselling and move on. One day in the not too distant future you’ll start to see there were cracks in him.

You’ve beaten cancer, you’re a bloody warrior!. You can get past this and show your daughter what it means to beat adversity and come back stronger xxxx

@HollowTalk it's a joint assett we both have money tied up in. It's up for sale but he tried to take it away from me when he left (I've always had this particular item we just "upgraded my existing one to again accommodate his children)
The only contact I've had from him is him trying to manipulate me into handing over or repaying his share of the investment.

When it sells ill square up with him at a rate that reflects the percentage he put in but until then he isn't getting a penny.

He never contributed to living costs our whole relationship so... there are running costs attached to the asset too so that needs to be taken I to account. Sorry I'm being vague but again don't want to be too outing.

As I've said I've blocked him and I will contact him if and when it sells.

Im so glad I posted as I've taken everything on board. Its what I knew anyway and until this recent contact is exactly what I had been doing.

His recent exclamation of love had just thrown me into a spin tbh. Brought it all flooding back. Don't get me wrong I stuggle with his actions every single day and I will for a very very long time. But I am strong and I know I'm worth so much more. The glimmer of hope that I could possibly get some form of closure lured me in and I've given it far more headspace than it deserves this last couple of weeks.

I've found my big girl pants and pulled them firmly up

Thank you all so much. X

Good for you Wontgoquietly
Hopefully the next weeks will give you (and your daughter) some time to begin to recuperate and heal. His behaviour has been unthinkably awful.

Do go easy on yourself.

I just want to understand why?!

Because he is a weak, selfish man.

He will either 1) never admit to it and make it your fault
2) Admit to it, but just to pull your heartstrings so you can become his crutch again.

OP
Congratulations for getting well.

Life has handed you a giant gift here- your health has improved, and the way now clear for someone better the enter the scene.

@Wontgoquietly You've seen through his other manipulative antics and this is just another one. You've got your head screwed on, you just have to keep your eyes on what he's really like, keep rememering that, rather than being caught up in your previous feelings for him.

But I am strong and I know I'm worth so much more. The glimmer of hope that I could possibly get some form of closure lured me in and I've given it far more headspace than it deserves this last couple of weeks.

You've got closure now- you made it yourself.

'The Queen put him in the fuckit bucket and the bin men took him away.

She lay back in her bed eating chocolates and listening to her favourite tunes.

-The End.'

Wow. He said he was making the right decision at the time but for whom?

I am so please you are getting better and your daughter sounds like a wonderful person. Take time together and do nice things, go places and enjoy yourselves

He is no good, and he has shown you what he is like. You don't need anyone like him in your life and your daughter certainly does not deserve to have either him or his son inflicted upon her either

Your answer to my financial question is really really shocking. He is such a greedy bastard. Don't forget to add up all the money spent on that asset and take that off the figure before you split it.

@HollowTalk I'm tempted to tell him to go fuck himself and he can whistle for it if I'm honest! Every few weeks he's pestered and pestered me about it even though he knew I was in no position to deal with it at the time!

But im not a lousy person and I won't stoop to his level. WHEN it sells (and I'm in no rush, it has to be right for me before I agree to a sale) I will square up a fair amount based on percentage and market depreciation etc.

Ive found my inner angry voice again. Thank you!

Hi OP. Congratulations. You do need closure but you don’t need him for that. I wouldn’t recommend any comms with him. He will reframe what happened. It sounds like he used you financially and when the going got tough he got going. Without a care about you or your dd. What a shitbag. I’m guessing you bought a bigger car and he contributed. Given he didn’t contribute to fucking anything else the 3 years he DID live with you and sounds like his kids lived with you too eow. I would tell him to fuck off and block him. Celebrate with your dd getting thru this. Treat Christmas Day like any other day if you’re going to struggle without your dd. Get some nice food in. Watch a good film. Lose yourself in a book. It’s only one day. You could always have a belated Christmas Day with your dd when she gets back. If you got thru cancer and chemo you can get thru anything. Don’t give this guy the time of day. You’ve had a lucky escape before you wasted any more time on him. Wanker. Good luck for 2022

@wontgoquietly, I have read the thread and I am full of awe and admiration for you. You have travelled to the depths of hell, got yourself out and the only way now is up. And on the way you have managed to get rid of a useless piece of lard which would eventually, no doubt, have shown his colours in time.

I so understand the NEED to know why, the "there has to be more to it", the tying yourself in knots over how anyone you thought loved you could do that to you. It is very human to want closure. Unfortunately, sometimes the simplest answer is the most painful: he is a coward. He didn't love you enough. When things got tough, he fled.

I can guarantee you that, in time, the pain will be replaced by pride and relief that you have got over him and then you will be free, a new woman, stronger and more confident than you have ever been. And then, one day, a man who is also strong, brave and kind, and a good person, will meet you and won't be able to resist this formidable woman you are.

And then this man will be lucky to have you . IF you want him.

Until then, hold on and keep being this admirable human being you are. Your children are learning very valuable life lessons through you. To never give up. To face adversity. To keep your head up keep going when things turn to shit, even in the worst circumstances. They are incredibly lucky!

Big, big hugs and please keep posting. You are inspirational.

Being the bigger person is overrated. It really is. Sometimes I think there is a fine line between being the bigger person and being a mug. IF you decide to sell your property make sure to bill home for fuel, wear and tear, rent of the item, cost of caring for the kids when using the item... You get the idea. Hopefully, after all that he will be down to a few hundred pounds. Under £100 would be great. DO IT.

I honestly would not be giving that cowardly cunt a penny.

It sounds like he financially and mentally leeched off you years. Looking after his children and paying all the living costs and the moment you became unable to provide for him and his kids, he dumped you and subsequently hounded you for money.

You do not owe this cretin a penny. It’s not even about revenge, it’s simply based on what was put into the overall pot. Fuck him.

Take back your power, silence is all he deserves. Block him on every channel and enjoy your life knowing he has absolutely NO hold over you, nor position to leverage.

@Wontgoquietly

Im so glad I posted as I've taken everything on board. Its what I knew anyway and until this recent contact is exactly what I had been doing.

His recent exclamation of love had just thrown me into a spin tbh. Brought it all flooding back. Don't get me wrong I stuggle with his actions every single day and I will for a very very long time. But I am strong and I know I'm worth so much more. The glimmer of hope that I could possibly get some form of closure lured me in and I've given it far more headspace than it deserves this last couple of weeks.

I've found my big girl pants and pulled them firmly up

Thank you all so much. X

Wow you are so strong and amazing. Imagine a few years from now and how different life will be. It will only get better xxxxx

I remember you. I wouldn’t give him a penny. He has no legal grounds, he’s been supported by you for years. Think of it as helping him to grow up. ‘I don’t owe you a penny. You owe me for years of financial support and housing, before I got sick and you fucked off like the cowardly excuse for pond scum you see before you had to provide some support in return. The only person you love is the one you see in your mirror. Block.

That would cover it for me. (Note it doesn’t acknowledge the specific asset in any way or that he gave you some money, which he might have thought should be for it)

I’m so glad you’re better! I hope things are on the up.

*see = are