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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it okey to ask my friends to talk to me less about their relationships?

82 replies

Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 11:55

I’m probably BU, but I really just can’t take it.

I’m lifelong single, will be the rest of my life, not my choice.
I go cycles of making my peace with it and then being excruciatingly lonely.

Right now I just can’t listen to people being happy, cutesy thing they do together.
Or griping about little things like dishes or whatever.
It’s just so hard and isolating to listen to them.

I don’t really know what to do, can I say something, or should I try and take a little bit of distance?

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 11:58

Surely your real friends shouldn't be begrudged their happiness? Your decision is one you made. They decided to be in a relationship... Maybe stepping away is best for you right now.
Sorry if you are feeling rubbish though.
Remember some people in relationships feel crap too.

drpet49 · 10/12/2021 12:00

YABU and actually quite ridiculous.

pinkyredrose · 10/12/2021 12:04

YABU. Your friends are talking about thier lives. Why do you think you'll be single forever?

Dearblossom · 10/12/2021 12:06

Can I ask why you have 'no choice' lifelong single?

I have 'probably single for life friends' and couple friends. My single women friends (late 40's early 50's) are a real arty bunch. Hunt down the wild crazy artist women, we do talk about shagging but also art and politics instead, I think we are bored by this age of talking about relationship ups and down! Grin Wine

Didimum · 10/12/2021 12:10

Unless someone is yammering on and on and on and on about it, no, it's not acceptable to ask them to stop talking about their relationships. It's their life. I'm also not sure of the reasons you are declaring yourself single forever, and claim it's not by choice.

Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:14

@Dearblossom

Can I ask why you have 'no choice' lifelong single?

I have 'probably single for life friends' and couple friends. My single women friends (late 40's early 50's) are a real arty bunch. Hunt down the wild crazy artist women, we do talk about shagging but also art and politics instead, I think we are bored by this age of talking about relationship ups and down! Grin Wine

I’m just not what people want. I don’t want to go to details right now. Few years from 40 and never dated or been in a relationship, so thought it was better to give up hoping.

You’re friends sound pretty great, really wanna avoid people who talk about sex, though.

To the first one who answered.
I didn’t choose being single.

And I just really wanted to advice on how to handle this.
I don’t want go home crying everytime I see my friends anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:17

@Didimum

Unless someone is yammering on and on and on and on about it, no, it's not acceptable to ask them to stop talking about their relationships. It's their life. I'm also not sure of the reasons you are declaring yourself single forever, and claim it's not by choice.
They do go on and on. I feel left out.

I'm also not sure of the reasons you are declaring yourself single forever, and claim it's not by choice.
You do realise that there are people no one wants to date, right?
I am that person.
So single, not by my own choice.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 10/12/2021 12:20

YABU

Asking your friends to censor their conversations with you to remove mention of their relationships is going to have a serious impact on your friendship and you may yourself getting very lonely.

ShippingNews · 10/12/2021 12:22

Maybe think about finding some single friends ? If you've chosen to be friends with coupled- up people , you're going to hear them talking about relationships. Try joining a book club, or do some volunteering. You'll find single people to talk to in places like that.

Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:23

So it’s better then that I just distance myself?
Should I tell them I need a little bit of time?
I mean I have to help myself.

OP posts:
threebillboards · 10/12/2021 12:24

Maybe look to have friends who are similar to yourself? Or meet up with people whose interests and hobbies you share, and then that should be their focus. You can't expect others not to share relationships issues.

Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:26

@ShippingNews

Maybe think about finding some single friends ? If you've chosen to be friends with coupled- up people , you're going to hear them talking about relationships. Try joining a book club, or do some volunteering. You'll find single people to talk to in places like that.
We have been friends before their relationship, through breakip’s and new one’s. Years and years I’ve been there. Single people often are even more obsessed about dating. Can’t go anywhere without checking people out, or worse start hanging out with them, while I’m there! So coupled up friends, at least there’s that plus side.

I don’t know anyone who is, for whatever, lifelong single.

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 10/12/2021 12:29

Yanbu. I have a close single friend - not by choice. I try hard not to go on and on about domestic stuff too much. We try to do activities together where we can chat about other things. Yes sometimes we talk about family, sometimes she comes over....but other times we don't. She is a dear dear friend and if she felt like you and was having a tough time I would love her to tell me so I could support her.

Your friends love you for you and want you to be happy. Be honest with them. Good friends will understand.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 12:31

If seeing your friends happy makes you cry you imo need to speak to a professional..

inmyslippers · 10/12/2021 12:33

I'm sorry op but this is a you problem. Your friends are sharing their happiness with you. If you're lifelong single through choice you're going to have to learn to live with it.

Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:34

@Mumdiva99

Yanbu. I have a close single friend - not by choice. I try hard not to go on and on about domestic stuff too much. We try to do activities together where we can chat about other things. Yes sometimes we talk about family, sometimes she comes over....but other times we don't. She is a dear dear friend and if she felt like you and was having a tough time I would love her to tell me so I could support her.

Your friends love you for you and want you to be happy. Be honest with them. Good friends will understand.

Thank you for this.

You sound like a lovely and amazing friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:34

@inmyslippers

I'm sorry op but this is a you problem. Your friends are sharing their happiness with you. If you're lifelong single through choice you're going to have to learn to live with it.
NOT A CHOICE.
OP posts:
TedMullins · 10/12/2021 12:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. If they go on and on, rather than just the odd mention, that's bound to get tedious (even for other friends who aren't single!) I'm single through choice at the moment, but have been dipping in and out of casual dating for a while, and a few of my friends are in long-term relationships but they don't bang on constantly about them. They might mention a funny anecdote or something interesting they've done, but most of the time we talk about other stuff that interests us and support each other if one is having a tough time. When we meet up they don't bring their partners.

Another person in our group is single not through choice and really wants to settle down, and sometimes she does find talk of happy relationships painful, has said as much, and the ones in relationships were concerned and supportive and agreed not to talk about things she found touched a nerve. If they're your real friends, they should be understanding.

I do think a balance has to be struck, though - while it's fair to explain why it hurts for the topic to dominate the conversation I don't think you can expect them NEVER to mention their partner, and I do think finding new friends in a similar position to you by joining groups that interest you, volunteering, finding online groups for single women, etc - is a good idea

HelloNope · 10/12/2021 12:42

Op, what's 'wrong' with you that you're single not by choice? I think you need to be honest with your friends, if they are true friends they will understand: there are plenty of other things to talk about!

Original poster
Yeswhatno · 10/12/2021 12:50

@TedMullins

Thank you.
Also for being understanding.

I wouldn't ask them to never talk about them, no no no.
And reading your post I realised that the problem maybe that one of them say something (good, neutral, negative) about their partner.
Then another one follows with ”ooh yeah, this reminds me of something about my partner” and then another friends joins them and now they have a full blown conversation about it.
Leaving me out.

OP posts:
FoxgloveSummers · 10/12/2021 12:51

I think it is ok to say "sorry [friend] I'm feeling really upset at the moment about the fact that relationships don't happen for me, and I sometimes find hearing about couple stuff a bit painful - could we talk about something else do you think?"

If a single friend said this to me (and I do know people who've been single forever) I'd totally understand!

The important thing is acknowledging that they are actually being normal so they're not in the wrong or being insensitive for talking about their partners. I agree with a PP that if hearing about this stuff makes you cry then you may be depressed and could perhaps benefit from talking to a GP or counsellor.

Obviously I don't know your circumstances but several "forever single" friends of mine have now found partners in their later thirties or early 40s. Your age really is no barrier to starting a relationship if you want one.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/12/2021 12:54

Do your friends know that you’re not single by choice? If they’re good friends who care about you, maybe they’d like to help you find a relationship? Set you up with men they know, help you put together an online dating profile and take some good photos for it, join you for morale support at Meet-up (or similar) socials, go clubbing with you, hell; even be brutally honest with you about what they think is putting men off you and help you to change that.

Surely that would strengthen your friendships and help you out much more than asking them not to mention being happy or having a partner.

FoxgloveSummers · 10/12/2021 12:54

You do realise that there are people no one wants to date, right?
I am that person.

I actually don't think this is true. It might be that they've not met someone who wants to date them YET, or that they haven't noticed the people who do want to date them, or that they're very shy and give off a slightly "fuckoff" vibe to potential dates - but I think everyone has someone who wants to date them.

I do have a friend who says the same as you, she is beautiful and clever but only fancies married men. Utterly not true that no-one wants to date her, but very true that due to herr own complex psych stuff she only wants to date people who aren't in a position to do so.

Musttryharder2021 · 10/12/2021 12:54

@ShippingNews

Maybe think about finding some single friends ? If you've chosen to be friends with coupled- up people , you're going to hear them talking about relationships. Try joining a book club, or do some volunteering. You'll find single people to talk to in places like that.
I don't even think finding single friends is the solution; what happened when they couple up? Op will just keep moving on etc. The solution is to understand why this is so triggering for you.

@Yeswhatno

Do you have children? Family nearby? Other significant people you need to focus on other than friends?

ShinyHappyPoster · 10/12/2021 12:57

Relationships are such a huge part of life. Effectively you're asking them to continually monitor their conversations around you. That's a very uncomfortable situation to put people in.
You can step back from the friendships without big announcements- just be unavailable. I think counselling might help you because the world is full of relationships and you need to explore why you feel so undateable, why you feel so passive about it and what else brings you joy and value. You need to reset your focus.