Is it okey to ask my friends to talk to me less about their relationships?

[Yeswhatno]

I’m probably BU, but I really just can’t take it.

I’m lifelong single, will be the rest of my life, not my choice.
I go cycles of making my peace with it and then being excruciatingly lonely.

Right now I just can’t listen to people being happy, cutesy thing they do together.
Or griping about little things like dishes or whatever.
It’s just so hard and isolating to listen to them.

I don’t really know what to do, can I say something, or should I try and take a little bit of distance?

You do realise that there are people no one wants to date, right? I am that person. So single, not by my own choice.

Aw I'm sure that's not true OP.

It sounds like you're depressed (or that your situation is hard for you to live with) and for some people this leads to them pushing others away, or effects their relationships/friendships in other ways. They can have less tolerance.

Please seek evidence-based treatment- meds and therapy, for your state of mind. If you've been to your doctor before then go back, there are lots of things that can try.

You're going to end up losing friends if you say this, or them not being as close to you. Your issues are going to lead to that unless you work on them.

I would not be friends in any significant way with someone who I can't talk to about important things in my life. People's relationships are a big part of their lives, and any difficulties can be very upsetting or frustrating.

It cuts both ways though and if you don't think they're listening when it's your 'turn' to talk about things if you want to, you could end the friendship as it's not reciprocal.

But I'm imagining that maybe you are quite quiet as you're not happy, and maybe partly they're just trying to fill the silence or make the interaction of any value. But of course I could be completely wrong about that.

NOT A CHOICE.

There's someone for everyone.

Few years from 40 and never dated or been in a relationship, so thought it was better to give up hoping.

So you're moaning about it but not doing anything about it.

^So it’s better then that I just distance myself?
Should I tell them I need a little bit of time?
I mean I have to help myself.^

Damaging your friendships isn't going to help you, it'd just make you more isolated and in the long run probably more depressed. Helping yourself would be getting evidence-based treatment. If you've tried therapy in the past, there are loads of different types of therapy or different therapists you can see.

If you really can't handle seeing your friends right now, I wouldn't say anything to them about you not being happy when they talk about their relationships. Just say you're a bit down or busy and work on yourself/get treatment until you feel more able to handle it. Or just see them briefly for a coffee or something, so you're still maintaining the friendship but can decrease the amount of time you have to listen to them going on about blokes. You could do this temporarily until you're in a better place about it through meds/therapy.

Your friends love you for you and want you to be happy. Be honest with them. Good friends will understand.

I think if OP said she didn't want to know about their stuff it would seem as if she's being uncompassionate/dismissive.

Fair enough to say being single is depressing her etc, and her friends might even get the hint then that it upsets her.

I think if OP said she didn't want to know about their stuff it would seem as if she's being uncompassionate/dismissive.

Depends on the friendship doesn't it and how it is said.

I have single friends who could say this to me and I'd understand and do my best not to discuss relationship (I do already try not to go on about this stuff to single friends, I've been there). Wouldn't think it was dismissive.

OP you sound really down. I remember when I was single I used to feel like couples were everywhere, 'haunting' me almost, showing me that I was (seemingly) the only single person in the whole city. Plus my two younger more attractive flat mates always had lots of men after them, and they seemed to talk about their dates a lot, and then when they found long term relationships this was the main topic of conversation.

Looking back, I can see at least some of this was psychological- I was hyperfocusing on what was wrong or different about me, which just made me feel even worse.

The only thing I could suggest is maybe to find a hobby or course where you'll all be quite focused on an activity. So the people you spend time with are going to be discussing the hobby first and foremost, rather than relationships or dating.

@me4real

I’m not depressed, I don’t know why you went on and on about that.

I think you have misread my posts and made up a quite a story in your head.

I am long-term single too and can understand where you are coming from. If you are genuinely close friends with these people, it should be possible to speak to one or two of them privately and explain why you are finding things hard, in the hope that they will moderate themselves a bit.

I've nc for this but just wanted to say to the 'there is somebody out there for everybody' crowd, it's very patronising and not true.

I have lipoedema which means I have disproportionately huge and lumpy legs and arms. I also have alopecia which means no hair on my head, no eyebrows or eyelashes. I wear the best wig I can afford and try with make-up but I look pretty awful tbh.

Nobody would choose to date me and if they did I would assume they had a weird fetish. So no, sadly there is not somebody out there for everybody. I'm not saying this for pity and I have no idea why the OP is so sure she will always be single but I do believe her FFS.

It was the bit where you said "I don’t want go home crying everytime I see my friends anymore."

Many people would think this indicates that you're not very happy and that perhaps you're finding thing esp tricky at the moment.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

First post and you didn’t even read it!
You
Your decision is one you made. They decided to be in a relationship... Maybe stepping away is best for you right

Post
I’m lifelong single, will be the rest of my life, not my choice

Try reading the post before responding

Op you do what’s best for you, step away if you have to for a while

Maybe try changing the subject?
Sounds really tough op

Ah, okey.
I usually feel better when I’m on my own.
It’s just during and after seeing them I feel so sad.
I usually start feeling better by the next day.
Or few days after, it depends.

I'm single, been married twice and divorced. My friends go on non stop about how awful their husbands are. It actually makes me feel better because I know I made the right choice to stay single from now on.

It is tricky though because you also don't want to talk to single people who might mention sex. Does it also apply to divorced people talking about their exes? Widowers talking about their late spouse? What if you met someone in similar circumstances to you - would you mind them discussing their singleness, or is any discussion of relationship status painful for you?

I'm not being sarcastic btw.

My advice is hang out with more men, in my experience they barely ever talk about their relationships.

I’m not depressed, I don’t know why you went on and on about that.

That's how you sound to me. Certainly it would benefit you to do something about your state of mind- therapy even if you don't feel you're depressed, to tallk about the things that are upsetting you. I have therapy even though I'm not depressed or anything, there are just certain things I want to change or get my head around a bit better.

Crying after seeing your friends shows that you are upset. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel that way, but there are things you can do to make it easier.

Do your friends know/understand how you feel, op? Maybe don’t ask them to stop speaking about their partners/families but make them aware of how down you feel about not having it yourself. If they’re good friends then they’ll probably limit those conversations for the benefit of your feelings.

I don’t know why the commenters on here are so bitter about a lady who doesn’t want to constantly hear about family, children, partners, etc.? It’s a pretty dull topic to me and I have a child. Even more boring is talking about my own family life. Why is everyone so self obsessed that they can’t hold a conversation about anything other than their own life when a friend is suffering? I’m sure you have other people you can discuss these things with.

@DuckBrownDuck

I've nc for this but just wanted to say to the 'there is somebody out there for everybody' crowd, it's very patronising and not true.

I have lipoedema which means I have disproportionately huge and lumpy legs and arms. I also have alopecia which means no hair on my head, no eyebrows or eyelashes. I wear the best wig I can afford and try with make-up but I look pretty awful tbh.

Nobody would choose to date me and if they did I would assume they had a weird fetish. So no, sadly there is not somebody out there for everybody. I'm not saying this for pity and I have no idea why the OP is so sure she will always be single but I do believe her FFS.

Thank you for your post.
And also for understanding.

I hope all the best for you!

I understand OP.

Going on about relationships and children is dull as dirt.

I've been out with groups of men and never hear them go on about relationships and children.

See if you can find some more interesting friends though a hobby, class, book club, sport.

@Yeswhatno

Ah, okey. I usually feel better when I’m on my own. It’s just during and after seeing them I feel so sad. I usually start feeling better by the next day. Or few days after, it depends.

This sounds so tough and must really impact on your friendships and any joy and support you might usually get from them.

Do you now feel confident that you can ask one or two of them nicely to avoid the subject - at least one to one?

Sorry I know you won't want to hear this but it DOES remind me of depression. Just because something triggers it off, doesn't mean it's not always there in the background.

You do realise that there are people no one wants to date, right?
I am that person.
So single, not by my own choice.

^^ misread your post op. Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I doubt there's anything wrong with you. There's a whole series called late bloomers on tick-tock might be worth watching. Women who have spent their lives single sharing their experiences. I have a dear friend at 39 who's very recently got her first boyfriend

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Surely your real friends shouldn't be begrudged their happiness? Your decision is one you made. They decided to be in a relationship... Maybe stepping away is best for you right now. Sorry if you are feeling rubbish though. Remember some people in relationships feel crap too.

But it's not her decision. That's the entire point.

I do also find it a bit irritating when friends complain about their relationships...one of mine was moaning that her husband booked a surprise trip to the Maldives for her birthday which is going to use up too much annual leave...I mean, honestly?!? Imagine having that kind of 'problem'.

YABU.
I think you would really benefit from talking to a therapist to help unpick your thinking and maybe rebalance your sense of what is normal. You write very definitive statements. A few years away from 40? What does that even mean? That’s irrelevant and makes no difference as to the state of your current relationships. My mother’s best friend used to be like this. Make grandiose statements with no foundation in reality. Told me that I was too old to be a Mum when I was over 30. Which is nonsense and in fact I had my 3rd baby at age 47. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 42. You could get a new job next year OP, go travelling or start a course and meet someone and be married by next December. What I’m saying is that where you are now does not have to determine the future path of the rest of your life. Go to a commune in Thailand? Fuck it. If you’re not in a relationship and have no ties it means you have absolute freedom to go and do whatever you want. If you sit still and wait for things to come to you then you’re still be stuck this time next year. Shake it up. Quit the job, train to be something at a university in a big city like Bristol and meet a tonne of new people. Come on. You’re not even 40 yet. My mate retrained to be a GP when she was older than you. You could live another 40 plus years!!!

Sorry but I do think that - not necessarily there is someone out there for everyone - but that even people with something "wrong" with them (in their eyes / medically) are often attractive to others. God knows there are enough blokes out there who are overweight and penniless finding women to shack up with them. I used to know a girl who was bullied terribly and was the opposite of what most men her age found attractive. We met a new friend and it so happened she was his exact type of person and they got together.

The people I know who are long term single and unhappy about it aren't there because they're unattractive - far from it - it's largely luck and partly being very suspicious or hostile to people who show an interest. Perhaps very low self-esteem making them suspect people's motives etc.

@Rno3gfr

I don’t know if they really understand.
They have always been very boy crazy, so it’s been a big part of their personality as long as I’ve known them.

I think I made a mistake in the past and lied that I’m just not very interested in all that to get them off my back.
(They kept doing the what about him? Or him? Look at him!!!- thing)
I got some looks, but they dropped it.
I guess I’m viewed now as someone I’m not.

@RantyAunty

I’ve always only had female friends.
If what you’re saying is right, maybe that’s where I’m going wrong.

I don’t know why the commenters on here are so bitter about a lady who doesn’t want to constantly hear about family, children, partners, etc.? It’s a pretty dull topic to me and I have a child. Even more boring is talking about my own family life. Why is everyone so self obsessed that they can’t hold a conversation about anything other than their own life when a friend is suffering? I’m sure you have other people you can discuss these things with.

I'm interested in people so I want to hear about their stuff and support them. They might even be in a relationship that's not good and should really leave. To me having others talk to me about what's going on in their lives is a major part of friendship. Sharing things they can't share with a non-friend or many people at all.

I've had a couple of people say to me they don't want to hear about certain really intense things that I experienced. It was the death knell for the friendship really as in their case it was a sign of what they thought of me and they usually went on to do similar stuff again. But I'm not saying that that's necessarily what OP is doing.

I understand that it upsets OP, and it should cut both ways.

I guess I’m viewed now as someone I’m not

Ah this makes sense, they don’t know you’re hurting.