Is it okey to ask my friends to talk to me less about their relationships?

[Yeswhatno]

I’m probably BU, but I really just can’t take it.

I’m lifelong single, will be the rest of my life, not my choice.
I go cycles of making my peace with it and then being excruciatingly lonely.

Right now I just can’t listen to people being happy, cutesy thing they do together.
Or griping about little things like dishes or whatever.
It’s just so hard and isolating to listen to them.

I don’t really know what to do, can I say something, or should I try and take a little bit of distance?

I'm going to be really blunt OP but not because I don't care, just to be direct.

Why does no one want to date you? What's the feedback you've had when you have dated?

Is it something physical that you feel many people don't accept?

I was impossible to date in my twenties because I was really skittish and non committal. Now I'd probably say people wouldn't date me because (following abusive relationship) I am permanently suspicious and assume the worst of everyone. I know that's why I'm quite "undatable" right now. And I know what I need to do to address it.

How would you answer that question OP? Rather than just state "no one wants me." Why is that. What reasons have people given in the past not to continue dating?

I dunno, when people come on here who can’t have kids and their friends are all talking about babies & they get upset, the friends get called thoughtless.

I don’t think there’s any harm in asking your friends if they could tone down the couple chat. I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

I think that you just have to accept, that lots of people,do talk about themselves,and their lives quite a lot, and don't give much thought to some people like yourself, and how it affects you.But they are not being unkind,they just don't stop and think about things they say, and just babble away in their own little scenes of their lives.

I think you're getting a very hard time here op!
One of my best friends is life long single and I know she would love a relationship but for various reasons, it hasn't happened.
I try not to go too much about relationships and kids (even though it obviously comes up a bit) and would understand if she told me she was finding it difficult to listen to conversations about this all the time.
Similarly I have a friend who cannot have kids so I make sure not to bore on about mine!

I don't have children - and can't though I want to. No way I would ever ask my friends not to talk to me about their children. I have one friend - and the way she talks about her child I find had to deal with, so I ask about the child and then move the conversation on. But I also recognise that it's not her fault I can't have kids.

I suppose my point being that yes it's hard but it's my problem to deal with.

I don’t think she’s had a hard time, she asked whether this was acceptable and many people have said they wouldn’t mind but some have said they would. I presume she wanted a variety of views which is why she posted here so it’s good that people have been honest

I am sorry, mentioning shagging was insensitive of me and used for jest.

I have had to carve out new friendship groups due to family deaths, living abroad and friends change over the years, some have lots of kids and you don't see them for 16 years for example. I have met some wonderful new friends in recent years via the arts and local music scene, who don't talk about sex. We talk of our art projects, we do talk of our kids and grandkids sometimes. It will be hard to avoid all association with family discussions.

How do you feel about socialising on your own? I have met new friends through the local folk club down the pub (very open and welcoming to all), local art groups, there's an urban one you can drop into in most major towns, Saturday mornings, no need to talk to anyone if you don't want to start with or be a good artist. Doodle is fine. I also volunteer organising community arts festivals and have made the most new friends that way, friends that don't judge, that grab life and try and make it as colourful as they can no matter the challenge.

The local arts communities, locally run arts/alternative cafes might be a good place to start. If you are nervous take book/sketch pad etc and do have a good look at the others around you, we are a right motley crew

Why don't you find a hobby that you could enjoy with your current friends? It will give you something to talk about that's just for you and doesn't involve relationship stuff, although general life does crop up, if you are doing something new and fun it might steer the conversation away from the things you don't want to talk about.

I'm sorry you're hurting OP.
I'm thinking about my friends and what we chat about...
I think partners get mentioned, and children too, but usually it's a question of taking an interest in each other's lives.
Is all the chat about their relationships?
I find I enjoy being with friends who will have more abstract conversations, as well as day to day stuff. More often than not I see my friends individually too.
So for example plenty of threads here on MN are just the sort of topics we might talk about. Could be faith, pondering on religion ( I have friends who are quite woo, and others who are conservative sort of Christian others who are atheist or agnostic) I have friends who I've met through various hobbies I spend time with one friend helping with and exercising her horses, as an example. We go back many years and there's still a bit of 'do you remember?' but the bulk of conversation is horse related, or about our work.
There's politics, gardening, chat about books, ideas, philosophy. Our 'bloody mothers' with love and exasperation combined.
Ideas, ie climate - how worried are we, what are we doing in our lives, have we heard about some new scientific breakthrough that might help.
Etc, etc!
I'm nearly 20 years older than you, and I promise, find conversation that is solely around lives and relationships a bit dull.
Maybe you simply need some diversionary tactics (or different friends)

Is all the chat about their relationships?

It’s more that one says something or anything about their spouse, then rest will join about their partners and BOOM! it’s full blown husband’s fan club meeting.
And I’m there just 🧍🏼‍♀️

Someone said trying new with them.
I think going alone with one of them, who’s a bit more relax about the infatuation, could work.
The rest of them would propably start the ”husband /kids would/would not like this or that”.
There not like this 100% of time.
But it’s almost always at least a little bit.

OP, you are not being unreasonable and you don’t need therapy for this. If your friends are truly your friends, they’d understand.

@Flippingfair

I'm sorry you're hurting OP. I'm thinking about my friends and what we chat about... I think partners get mentioned, and children too, but usually it's a question of taking an interest in each other's lives. Is all the chat about their relationships? I find I enjoy being with friends who will have more abstract conversations, as well as day to day stuff. More often than not I see my friends individually too. So for example plenty of threads here on MN are just the sort of topics we might talk about. Could be faith, pondering on religion ( I have friends who are quite woo, and others who are conservative sort of Christian others who are atheist or agnostic) I have friends who I've met through various hobbies I spend time with one friend helping with and exercising her horses, as an example. We go back many years and there's still a bit of 'do you remember?' but the bulk of conversation is horse related, or about our work. There's politics, gardening, chat about books, ideas, philosophy. Our 'bloody mothers' with love and exasperation combined. Ideas, ie climate - how worried are we, what are we doing in our lives, have we heard about some new scientific breakthrough that might help. Etc, etc! I'm nearly 20 years older than you, and I promise, find conversation that is solely around lives and relationships a bit dull. Maybe you simply need some diversionary tactics (or different friends)

I agree, you might honestly just need some new friends.

surely tactful friends would just dial back the couples chat.

I don't mention my OH to my long term single friends often. I tried not to moan about him when we were locked down as i was lucky to not be locked down on my own.

they can ask about him if they want (and actually they are FB friends with him so know he is alive/well/what he is up to)

Same as one would not go on about kids (or how much I love being child free) with someone who was struggling with not having kids.

or mention wealth much with someone sturrgling with money.

People just need some tact!

(and saying "oh you just wait, it will happen" is annoying as it may or it may not, its an element of luck as well as other factors - you can do everything to put yourself in the right space to meet someone and its just luck if it then happens)

Find some friends who can talk about current affairs, or better still, ideas. Listening to people talking about their relationships is deadly dull. Good luck.

It’s more that one says something or anything about their spouse, then rest will join about their partners and BOOM! it’s full blown husband’s fan club meeting.

It probably would be better to meet them one on one more often, that way you're not outnumbered but stand more chance of steering the conversation a little more.

But in my experience the best conversations are one on one where people talk to me about their relationships and any issues. I can think of nothing more fascinating than hearing all about people's lives and their feelings about what they're experiencing in such an important part of their lives. I think that is part of my role as a friend and I also love it. But everyone's different I suppose.

I've been single for nearly two years and can't have kids BTW. I love to see people's pics of their babies etc too. Or nowadays it's starting to be grandchildren.

OP, you are not being unreasonable and you don’t need therapy for this

@NewFem She's obviously not happy though. The reason she's unhappy with her friends talking about it is that she's unhappy about being single in general. Therapy would help her be more ok with it. It's not just for people who are extremely bonkers, but also for those who have things that are making them unhappy.

Find some friends who can talk about current affairs, or better still, ideas

I had some like that. Felt I needed a degree in history and politics to have anything to contribulte to the conversation, so I maiinly just sat there and let them go on about it as I had no idea of the details. It's not that I disliked it but it made me feel thick and like they were out of my league.

But each to their own.

@Yeswhatno I suppose you could think about if you're into any issues etc and go along to groups concerned with them. Spirituality, politics etc. I go to things like a feminist book club or a support group for various things or whatever. That way you'll all definitely have something other than people's private lives to talk about some of the time.

@me4real
But in my experience the best conversations are one on one where people talk to me about their relationships and any issues. grin I can think of nothing more fascinating than hearing all about people's lives and their feelings about what they're experiencing in such an important part of their lives. I think that is part of my role as a friend and I also love it. But everyone's different I suppose.

We truly are different!
I’ve always found relationship talk mind-numbingly boring and never understood why people can’t figure their own shit out.

I think that they may not realise that what they discuss with you is upsetting, so you need to have a conversation with them about it. They could well be surprised or perhaps mortified that their discussions upset you.

If you were my friend I would want you to tell me and I would understand.
You sound desperately unhappy, not unreasonable. You can’t reason your way out of feeling the way you do.
I hope you can start to feel better.

YANBU and I think it would be appropriate to ask them to turn it down on the couple reports.

However, I also think it is a perfect opportunity to explore a bit more about this issue within yourself. I agree with @nocnoc - the statements you have written come across like black and white thinking - where even the hope of possibility doesn't exist. I understand the pain of hearing about others talking about relationships when I haven't had one in the past - it cuts really deep. But don't just give up. Shake things up a bit in your life, you never know 100% for certain what lies ahead.

I think it's very understandable how you feel but whether mentioning it would make it worse or better is hard to say.
In my friendship group one friend is going through a divorce and without discussing it the rest of us have automatically pulled back on talking much about our dhs as we are sensitive to how she might feel at this stage. But that was a natural thing for us to do but l am wondering if she had asked us would we find it awkward. I just wouldn't like you to end up in a worse situation.

I realised that the problem maybe that one of them say something (good, neutral, negative) about their partner.
Then another one follows with ”ooh yeah, this reminds me of something about my partner” and then another friends joins them and now they have a full blown conversation about it. Leaving me out.

It's more difficult in a group setting, if the rest of them enjoy talking about their partners and children it's not really reasonable to expect them to limit this topic long-term.

If you meet up with one friend on their own I hope they'd not bang on about their partner whilst you sit there quietly! Are your friends more sensitive if you see them one on one? Or do you only meet up in a big group?

Going forwards it may be best to try and widen your group of friends, so these friends are a smaller part of your life. Lots of people don't like chatting about husbands and dating a lot with their friends, and like talking about a whole range of topics. If you had other friends to enjoy other conversations with, probably occasional meetups with the group talking about their partners would be less of a problem. Friendships change, and if you life is moving in a different direction to these friends they may end up a smaller part of your life.

Group hobbies and clubs can be a good way to meet new friends, and have an initial mutual interest to spark conversation.

I don’t think you can ask people not to talk about stuff that’s important to them. It is dull though when people go on and on about one topic and you feel excluded by it. What’s it like when you see your friends 1:1?

A relationship is a big part of a person's lives so hard not to talk about that.

2 of my best friends are long term single. Both lovely, stunning, clever - nothing undatable about them, the absolute opposite. Friend one was never interested in the men who were interested in her and always chased the ones that had issues/didn't want to commit/weren't single. Friend two works in a very solitary job and doesn't like to socialise so very little opportunity to meet anyone. I became single in my late 40s but wanted a relationship so did online dating and of course it was an effort but I had a couple of short relationships and now been with my amazing boyfriend for a year. I have been talking to them about online dating for years but neither would contemplate it. Relationships and finding someone do take efforts and risks. Some people don't want to do that.

However, if you want to meet people who talk little about their private lives, join an activist group. Animal rights, climate etc. They're so passionate and lovely people and it is also great to be part of something good.

Or join sports /hobby groups.

I'm in the same boat as you, OP, although a few years older, and honestly, I think you probably need some new friends. If you're coming away from seeing them feeling like complete shit because they've spent the whole time excluding you from the conversation, that's more to do with their poor social skills than any "issue" with you. It'd be the same if they were talking about any other topic that everyone in the group was into except for one person who was being left out all the time.

I can't agree that you need therapy because you have thoughtless friends, and I'm not going to patronise you by suggesting that there's "someone for everyone". I would say, however, that you might need to do some thinking about why you feel that you're undateable. In my case, I know I have terrible self-esteem, that I have a severely distorted view of the way I look and, if I'm being honest, I prefer to believe that I'm just too ugly to be loved because it's easier than examining my behaviour and the way I come across to others. I'm trying to work on this but at the same time, I've ruled out dating indefinitely because I think I'd be vulnerable to putting up with shit behaviour from the first man who showed an interest. I do go to therapy for this, but I'm trying to fix something that I know ultimately lies with me. I wouldn't be doing it to try to reconcile myself to poor treatment by others.