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Original poster

Promising new relationship ended over a misunderstanding. What are the chances he might get back in touch?

79 replies

LilJim · 10/12/2021 00:04

Feeling miserable. I've been single and dating about 4 years, lots of short flings that haven't worked out.

I met someone really nice over the summer. We hit it off, had a lovely few months together. He said he was, and acted, really keen.

A few weeks ago, we had a silly misunderstanding and now it's over. It was a quick text disagreement, we both overreacted, nothing awful was done or said but he has shut me down.

I don't want to be outing. However in short, he sent me something I didn't like, I could've handled it better in my response, he overreacted too, we were both having a stressful week for separate reasons. All by text, all snappy and annoyed rather than ranting, personal or abusive. I apologised and explained for my part and made clear I wanted us to put things right. He just shut things down, wouldn't answer when I called (I didn't keep ringing). I tried getting in touch a couple of weeks later. He was much less arsey but still very final.

Now, I know he's said he doesn't want to know, and I respect that, so won't be pestering him.

However, what we had was lovely even though new. I was just really puzzled about how he decided so fast that that was it, and didn't see my point of view (I acknowledged why he might be peed off). I would understand if I had gone nuts, or it was about nothing but it was just a badly-timed misunderstanding, in all honesty caused by something he sent me.

I believe this guy had quite a few insecurities about himself, and wonder whether he worried things wouldn't work out so bailed. For this reason, I don't think he would just jump straight onto the next one.

I'm just confused and really liked him. I've noticed him looking at my OLD profile. I know this doesn't mean he is pining, but maybe he hasn't forgotten me already. It's compounded because there is absolutely nobody online I am interested in, and I realised how rare it is for me to really hit it off with a man. I honestly believe he liked me a lot too, from his words and deeds. We got to know a lot about each other so I don't think it was the same as thinking 'sod this!' after a few dates. It really felt like there was something developing.

I suppose I am just hoping theres a chance he might get back in touch after putting the walls up rapidly. I know the received wisdom is that it shouldnt be hard early on, but this was a genuine misunderstanding, nobody actually did anything wrong. We were both just caught at a bad time.

Has anyone ever heard from someone again after an ending like this?

Sorry for the ramble.

TLDR: Had a misunderstanding with new boyfriend. He's ended things. Do you think he might be in touch?

OP posts:
ButteredOwl · 10/12/2021 00:09

Well no tbh and I'd honestly just try and move on from this. What a load of palaver it sounds - a disagreement over text, him flouncing off etc

You've held out an olive branch, he's been resolute in saying it's over. I'd accept that because the sooner you do, the better you'll feel and the more able to move onto what will hopefully be a better relationship

Please don't sit around pining for some bloke who definitely won't be sat at home pondering over what went wrong with you.

MadMadMadamMim · 10/12/2021 00:09

In your shoes I'd be thinking I'd dodged a bullet to be honest.

He overreacted to something fairly minor, ignored your apology and your attempts to discuss the issue like adults and instead blanked you and ended the relationship.

That's not a keeper. Not a man you want to be with.

VanGoghsDog · 10/12/2021 00:10

The question is why would you want him back?

It doesn't sound like a misunderstanding. It sounds like he sent something you didn't like (you've not changed that view) and when you called him on it he refused to accept your view and then sulked.

Leave him to it.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 10/12/2021 00:12

You talk glowingly about how wonderful it was, but perhaps that wasn't entirely mutual despite his assurances that he was keen.

Nobody really turns around to a split new partner and outright says 'actually, I'm a bit on the fence, but I'm going to play along and make all the right noises just in case', but that is what a lot of people do in a new relationship.

The fact he was calm but unequivocal when you did get back in touch suggests to me that he considers it done and has already mentally moved on. Perhaps you should do the same?

ButteredOwl · 10/12/2021 00:12

And what did he send you btw? That could be relevant. Was it a porn image / something racist/ something shocking?

RiverSkater · 10/12/2021 00:13

Sounds like you established some boundaries and he didn't like it.

Best you knew this early on.

Sorchamarie · 10/12/2021 00:19

Yes yes to all those saying his reaction to this does not suggest he would be a good partner at all. Please try to move on.

Cheerbear24 · 10/12/2021 00:19

I know you don’t want to give details but context is everything.
I do think you are right to establish your boundary if it’s something you believe in and the fact he didn’t like that should worry you (if you’d stay in the relationship). So in balance I think you’ve done the right thing.

Wotsitsits · 10/12/2021 00:19

Yeah you dodged a bullet there. No man who is in love with you and respects you would react that way by you setting a boundary.

It's not supposed to be this difficult this early on in a relationship. Leave him to it.

Aphrodite31 · 10/12/2021 00:24

Yes context is all and it's hard to comment without knowing what he sent.

Original poster
LilJim · 10/12/2021 00:28

@ButteredOwl

And what did he send you btw? That could be relevant. Was it a porn image / something racist/ something shocking?
Argh, sorry but don't really want to say exactly, partly because without the full picture (outing), it would sound worse than it was. It wasn't porn, or anything racist, homophobic, a distasteful joke etc. That would've been a hard 'no'.

It was a photo he sent that I believe crossed a line in terms of what was appropriate (it doesn't involve me being jealous or suspicious of him and another woman or anything like that). With the full context, it was just about acceptable, if I accepted that he just sent it without really thinking. However I do stand by it not looking good as i received it. Several friends, whom i all really trust, have separately said they would have had the same response so I don't think it was me being wildly unreasonable, even if I wasn't at my calmest when I replied.

Apologies again for the lack of clarity, I get a bit anxious about saying something outing.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilJim · 10/12/2021 00:33

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

You talk glowingly about how wonderful it was, but perhaps that wasn't entirely mutual despite his assurances that he was keen.

Nobody really turns around to a split new partner and outright says 'actually, I'm a bit on the fence, but I'm going to play along and make all the right noises just in case', but that is what a lot of people do in a new relationship.

The fact he was calm but unequivocal when you did get back in touch suggests to me that he considers it done and has already mentally moved on. Perhaps you should do the same?

Love the father Ted username!

I totally take your point about seeing where a new relationship goes sometimes even if you're not 100% convinced but in this case, he seemed to be really driving things. That's what's making me wonder.

The fact he was calm but unequivocal when you did get back in touch suggests to me that he considers it done and has already mentally moved on I think this is unfortunately what I am going to have to go with. He did say he felt confused about what had happened but I'm not sure why. I explained my side.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 10/12/2021 00:34

He mighht but not likely - it's not a good idea to sit and wait, even though you can't help it at the moment. Try to immerse youreslf in something tat interests / challenges you, as it sounds like dating othes straight away may just disappoint you - leave a bit of time. You could set yourself a time limit for 'hoping' like say two weeks - but I wouldn't wait any longer (and I don't mean actually wait - just let yourself think about him still as that's realistic).

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 10/12/2021 00:35

Impossible to say without knowing what he sent you (think up an analogy if you don’t want to be specific), but as others have said, you asserted your boundaries and he wasn’t happy with that. It’s unfortunate when your values don’t match but at least you didn’t waste too much time before that became clear. Onward OP!

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 10/12/2021 00:37

Oh and re: ‘he seemed to be really driving things’ - well there are two categories of men here. Those who are very into you, and those who like to say when it starts and when it stops. Unfortunately it’s hard to tell the difference in the early stages.

Sonaftersonafterson · 10/12/2021 00:37

Yeah he will be in touch. They generally always are. I did similar with an absolute gem of a guy earlier this year, messed it up due to a silly disagreement that I handled badly. He shut me down, ended things. I tried a couple of times, got told no or just blanked so I left it. Despite being gutted! That was 4 months ago.

Yesterday.... well, you guessed it.

keepOutOfTheFridgeDerek · 10/12/2021 00:49

This sounds very familiar, have you posted about this recently?

CactusLemonSpice · 10/12/2021 00:53

I don't think someone who dumps and freezes you out over a miscommunication would make a great boyfriend. Do you want to break up every time someone sends a meme! It would get old REALLY quickly

WinterDeWinter · 10/12/2021 00:58

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Oh and re: ‘he seemed to be really driving things’ - well there are two categories of men here. Those who are very into you, and those who like to say when it starts and when it stops. Unfortunately it’s hard to tell the difference in the early stages.
That is very insightful. I wish I’d read it when I was younger.
GreenLunchBox · 10/12/2021 01:01

Was it a photo of a client?

Original poster
LilJim · 10/12/2021 01:02

@GreenLunchBox

Was it a photo of a client?
No, not a photo of a client
OP posts:
Original poster
LilJim · 10/12/2021 01:04

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Oh and re: ‘he seemed to be really driving things’ - well there are two categories of men here. Those who are very into you, and those who like to say when it starts and when it stops. Unfortunately it’s hard to tell the difference in the early stages.
This has just brought a lot of the past flings and relationships I've had into sharp focus, thank you for that insight. As you say, there's no way to tell early on, it's maddening.
OP posts:
bumpertobumper · 10/12/2021 01:28

A lesson for you here for the future is to not have arguments, intense or sensitive conversations by text message. Speak to each other, ideally in person but at least on the phone.
So much can be misconstrued by text, and it can be hard to undo the damage.
Having said that, it does sound like he didn't like that you have boundaries 🚩

WinterForest5 · 10/12/2021 01:46

This sounds exactly like a guy I dated from online. Like weirdly eerily familiar. Are you in the south east per chance?

Cheerbear24 · 10/12/2021 02:06

Dick pic? And you said ‘don’t send me that’? Entirely justified if so (you are not him).