Promising new relationship ended over a misunderstanding. What are the chances he might get back in touch?

[LilJim]

Feeling miserable. I've been single and dating about 4 years, lots of short flings that haven't worked out.

I met someone really nice over the summer. We hit it off, had a lovely few months together. He said he was, and acted, really keen.

A few weeks ago, we had a silly misunderstanding and now it's over. It was a quick text disagreement, we both overreacted, nothing awful was done or said but he has shut me down.

I don't want to be outing. However in short, he sent me something I didn't like, I could've handled it better in my response, he overreacted too, we were both having a stressful week for separate reasons. All by text, all snappy and annoyed rather than ranting, personal or abusive. I apologised and explained for my part and made clear I wanted us to put things right. He just shut things down, wouldn't answer when I called (I didn't keep ringing). I tried getting in touch a couple of weeks later. He was much less arsey but still very final.

Now, I know he's said he doesn't want to know, and I respect that, so won't be pestering him.

However, what we had was lovely even though new. I was just really puzzled about how he decided so fast that that was it, and didn't see my point of view (I acknowledged why he might be peed off). I would understand if I had gone nuts, or it was about nothing but it was just a badly-timed misunderstanding, in all honesty caused by something he sent me.

I believe this guy had quite a few insecurities about himself, and wonder whether he worried things wouldn't work out so bailed. For this reason, I don't think he would just jump straight onto the next one.

I'm just confused and really liked him. I've noticed him looking at my OLD profile. I know this doesn't mean he is pining, but maybe he hasn't forgotten me already. It's compounded because there is absolutely nobody online I am interested in, and I realised how rare it is for me to really hit it off with a man. I honestly believe he liked me a lot too, from his words and deeds. We got to know a lot about each other so I don't think it was the same as thinking 'sod this!' after a few dates. It really felt like there was something developing.

I suppose I am just hoping theres a chance he might get back in touch after putting the walls up rapidly. I know the received wisdom is that it shouldnt be hard early on, but this was a genuine misunderstanding, nobody actually did anything wrong. We were both just caught at a bad time.

Has anyone ever heard from someone again after an ending like this?

Sorry for the ramble.

TLDR: Had a misunderstanding with new boyfriend. He's ended things. Do you think he might be in touch?

You called him out, you have boundaries, you dodged a Bullet. Well done. It is sad but he would have been “such a disappointment” in the long run.

HNRTT but even if say 1 person in a 1000 has reignited a relationship, how would that make a difference?

If that was his approach for a 'misunderstanding' which it wasn't, how do you think he would behave when a relationship faces more pressure - career or financial difficulties, family bereavement, babies, long-term illness and so on. Unless you are both 16, try to think of it as dodging a bullet instead of pining for some imaginary future. If you think it was a 'stressful week' try to imagine what life might throw at you over the next 50 years.

Good luck.

You were right, he was wrong.

The problem is, it's true you need to start as you mean to go on. If you fawn after him, you're setting a pattern for him controlling you by sulking. Trust me, there is no happy future in that (been there; done that).

I'd move on. If he calls you, you can always tentatively change your mind. But I really wouldn't chase him.

And if he's like this so early on, I think you know it will only get much, much worse. People make big efforts in the beginning.

If this is his big effort, then that's a worry.

It was a dick pic wasn't it.

My guess is he's sulking cos he's not getting sex as soon as he wanted.

Yeah I remember your other thread too- your first instincts were correct, all you’re doing now is undoing the healthy boundaries you set. Move on!

@RiverSkater maybe he was establishing his boundaries.

You just weren’t meant to be if the first minor misunderstanding causes a final breakup. The guy sounds way over sensitive and insecure- this is insufferable.

Yes the other thread was me, it's just still playing on my mind a lot and I suppose I wanted to ask afresh for opinions but more generally on the situation without so much of my personal history/ specifics of what was sent as I now accept that I was right in questioning it, even if I didn't do it the right way, but that it wasn't unforgivable knowing the wider context therefore I didn't think it as important what the specifics were.

I was very upset and blaming myself at the time whereas I can now see that we both contributed, and am now confident that the photo crossed a line, even if not a catastrophic one. It wasn't about blaming him for receiving it, but about him forwarding it to me knowing(as per a comment he included), that it didn't altogether look good, and then being angry when I reacted accordingly (if less than perfectly collected).

Suppose I was wondering whether with time there was a chance he might come around to seeing my point of view eventually. Ive been at a bit of a low point recently, not just because of him and I've been despairing of meeting anyone.

That all said, this thread has quickly started to help me move away from wanting him back so much. His behaviour was equally reactive and it's a bit puzzling that he couldn't see at all where I was coming from at all even if he didn't agree.

It sounds a shame, but you don’t really want to be with someone who doesn’t handle conflict well.

I remember your other thread too and the advice you received was the same as now.

His mask slipped when he shut you down and ended things. There’s no going back from that and I doubt he is the person you thought he was - and during a relatively short lived relationship it’s easy for someone to hide all sorts of things about their character.

I agree you’ve dodged a bullet - him sending that photo was very ill-judged (at best), but ultimately he wanted you to know that his young female student was pursuing him and he wanted you to see the picture, rather than explaining to you (preferably in person) that HE felt uncomfortable being pursued inappropriately - which would be the correct response for a man in his position. His action was bordering on goading, but more likely he was testing you on some level. Possibly unconsciously, because he’s simply dysfunctional and enjoying the attention and showing off. Grim, nonetheless.

His reaction / shutting you down actually speaks volumes about him.

Find your self-esteem, congratulate your instincts protecting you from a creep and validate yourself for being able to call out the red flags.

It’s natural to look back and question, but don’t fall down the rabbit hole.

Don't go out with a sulker OP, they are the worst. He will eat into your self confidence.

I think you have dodged a bullet too. If things were going well and he so coldly and clinically cut you off then it’s a major red flag if the relationship had continued. You are obviously both on different pages on certain levels so it was probably never going to work. Try and put this behind you xxx

@MadMadMadamMim

In your shoes I'd be thinking I'd dodged a bullet to be honest.

He overreacted to something fairly minor, ignored your apology and your attempts to discuss the issue like adults and instead blanked you and ended the relationship.

That's not a keeper. Not a man you want to be with.

This.

If its this much hard work over a text message, how hard is it going to be when you're deciding whether or not to have kids?

Sounds to me like he did something minor but not ok as a boundary test. You accept that, he knows he's got a mug. He goes a bit further the next time, bit further the next...

You were firm and he saw immediately that you weren't a good target and so he decided to waste no more time on you.

Is this the man who works with and advises young women (teens?), and sent you a quite sexy pic of one of them?

If it is him I wouldnt be sat at home ruminating over the unprofessional, sexist, inappropriate dickhead. I'd be reporting the creep to his employers.

I wish I’d known when I was younger that mediocre men are an infinite and free resource and I didn’t need to pine over them. And also that being single is infinitely preferable to second-guessing myself over men like this, or fretting over wanting them back.

@RiverSkater

Sounds like you established some boundaries and he didn't like it.

Best you knew this early on.

X million yes

He sounds awful sorry

You are so much better off xxx

It’s possible to build a good relationship with lots of different types of men. But not a sulker. Not someone who provokes you and then freezes you out when you react. Everybody argues, everybody has misunderstandings. Grown ups talk through (or quietly let the matter drop) and move past it. Children sulk. You cannot have a happy relationship for long with a Manchild.

You’ve dodged a bullet.

Will he be in touch? I suspect he will be, once he feels that he’s punished you enough (and made you grovel enough for his ego). He may not be doing it consciously, but that is what he is doing. If he does get in touch, please don’t get back together with him, this cycle will just play out again and again in different ways, and each time he’ll make you doubt yourself and tell you that you have an anger problem, when actually, he’s provoking the conflicts.

Remember, he began this.

Tbh I kind of wanted to stay away from the picture itself as by describing it without giving full, outing detail, it sounds like something it's not. In fact it probably was quite innocently taken but the point is, it didn't look it and he sent it to me without explanation.

I don't actually think it was sent as a deliberate test or anything. I think instead, it was poorly judged and unwise and he'd chosen to defend himself hard rather than say 'look, I can see now that might have come across a bit dodgy but I assure you it isn't for XYZ reason'.

@Skysblue

It’s possible to build a good relationship with lots of different types of men. But not a sulker. Not someone who provokes you and then freezes you out when you react. Everybody argues, everybody has misunderstandings. Grown ups talk through (or quietly let the matter drop) and move past it. Children sulk. You cannot have a happy relationship for long with a Manchild.

You’ve dodged a bullet.

Will he be in touch? I suspect he will be, once he feels that he’s punished you enough (and made you grovel enough for his ego). He may not be doing it consciously, but that is what he is doing. If he does get in touch, please don’t get back together with him, this cycle will just play out again and again in different ways, and each time he’ll make you doubt yourself and tell you that you have an anger problem, when actually, he’s provoking the conflicts.

Remember, he began this.

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. Whether or not he gets back in touch this is what is so hard to remember and easy to be annoyed with myself for when realising that there are so few compatible men out there and this one was going well. You're right, it was his actions that set this off. He criticised me for overreacting but was not a t all reflective on his role in this. In fact he remained quite nonplussed as to why there had been an argument at all, simply as he thought the picture was ok, therefore there was no good reason someone else might not agree.

You’re just making excuses for him, he is a creep, keeping, never mind sending, the photo is creepy. He is telling you who he is but instead you’re tying yourself in knots trying to tell yourself it would be ok to pursue this ‘relationship’. Forget about him, move on.

I'm guessing it was a picture he'd surreptitiously taken of someone else, possibly another woman, to make a point, either disparagingly or in praise? If so, I would've reacted the same and his subsequent reaction shows you've dodged a bullet. He didn't like being called out and threw his toys out the pram.

@keepOutOfTheFridgeDerek

This sounds very familiar, have you posted about this recently?

I was thinking that too. Something to do with a female work colleague and a photo.

Oh hang on, I remember your other thread and what the picture was. Nope, you shouldn't be hankering after him. Bullet well and truly dodged!