Is it normal to feel like a non-entity to Inlaws?

[Clubroc]

My inlaws are just not interested in me in the slightest. They love my children (their grandchildren) they adore DH, they do lots for us practically but they aren't interested in me one bit.

Whenever they come to collect/drop off my children I get these long anecdotes about SIL (their daughter) the most recent about a lost phone case. She is 37 and they are overly involved with her as they try to be with DH but they are overly interested in all aspects of her life. I have to hear about every insignificant detail of her life and FIL in particular seems offended if I don't take an interest.

Then a few years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and every 6 months I have to go for treatment qt the hospital for half a day. On occasions, they have looked after the DCs as DH has been at work and each time they ask why I'm going and I explain. Each time, they have told me that my condition is news to them like I've never mentioned it before.

Similarly when everyone was first having covid jabs, I received mine first and when rhey told me they had booked theirs in, I mentioned I'd had mine a week before and it was like I wasn't talking. No register of it at all. And then when SIL had hers they made such a song and dance about it. It's often like I'm not talking. Like I'm boring them.

If DH is stressed at work, everyone knows about it, but if I talk about work, it's like I'm not even talking.

They do sometimes ask me questions about me but they're not caring ones. Usually about my parents divorce or my mum's new partner.

Is it normal to feel like a non-entity as a mere daughter-in-law? I'd say they are way over invested in DH and SIL and polar opposite with me.

I've stopped being so polite as I find them incredibly rude in comparison to their over indulgence of DH. I know he's their son and I respect that but it feels very closed off and insular. We have been together for 10 years. They revealed to DH recently that MIL doesn't like me much. He wouldn't elaborate but told me he has defended me.

They take a similar non-interested attitude with SILs husband I'd say. I once asked DH if they might be more interested in me if I came from money like they do and he honestly admitted it was a possibility 🥴

I'm a non entity with my MiL too. We don't live nearby and I don't think I'm her type of person but she even does it if I'm talking about our children. So I'll say Louis* is having driving lessons, and she won't show the slightest bit of interest but spend the next ten minutes talking about her other GC's driving lessons in forensic detail.

I went out of my way to see her in the garden during partial lockdown with one of the children, as she's on her own, but she still talked about other SiL who she's in awe of, who hadn't gone to see her even though she lives up the road. I've decided to stop making so much effort now as I don't get anything back.

Many years ago my then ils gave zero shits about me. When I had the dc dh went to work as usual (twat) my childcare fell through for dc 1 and 2. Dc3 was 10 hours old when I took him to collect dc1 and 2 from school. Ils lived in the school street and were home.
They have rewritten history now dc3 is an adult..

It does sound fairly normal to me TBH. They didn't choose you, your DH did. As long as they are polite to you, that is all I would expect really. I get on fine with my PIL, but I wouldn't say they are particularly interested in me either, and I have never really expected them to be.

I hadn't really out my finger in why my ils grate in me so much, until now. I have always said "they've never ever asked me a question" to my dh. But yes, it's this total disinterest in me as a person but willing to bore me to tears about useless bil.

@Cloudyzebra

It does sound fairly normal to me TBH. They didn't choose you, your DH did. As long as they are polite to you, that is all I would expect really. I get on fine with my PIL, but I wouldn't say they are particularly interested in me either, and I have never really expected them to be.

How is ignoring everything I say polite? I'm not related to my next door neighbour but I don't bore her to tears with anecdotes and cut her off when she starts to speak herself.

Your DH shouldn't have told you what his mother said, that was just mean.

I would just be polite but keep as much distance as possible. Encourage DH to see them with the children and without you.

Treat them as they do you, gaze into the middle distance when they deign to talk to you, ‘goodness how interesting, so sorry must go to the loo’ as soon as they start. But of course it would be better and go loooooowwww contact!

Just to contextualise it- we were having a heated discussion about his parents' attitude towards me and I said he never pulls them up when they're rude.

He responded that he had defended me just recently. That is how it came out.

I’m a total non-entity to my FIL. My MIL makes an effort with me but we are quite different people and I think she is quite judgemental about some of my life choices. She and my FIL have the kind of partnership that would be anathema to me - she cooks and cleans while he works but does sod all around the house. Being in their house is like entering a time warp. FIL is xenophobic and thinks the sun rises and sets on Nigel Farage. Better off that we don’t talk really! It’s a shame - I would have liked PIL that I could really get on with but hey. Not to be.

My mil looks on both me and DH as non entities. SIL lives in Canada with her daughter, son in law and three grandchildren. Mil has just sent them 1k to share amongst them for Xmas. Whilst we have been offered the choice between a torch or an alarm clock ! Same every year.

But your DH doesn't defend you AT THE TIME THEY ARE RUDE. Which means he allows it.

I'd play them at their own game, I just couldn't help myself.

"Oh really? I didn't know that." "That's surprising". Even a.very bored sounding "oh.... how, um, interesting". To everything they say. Don't ask questions, and don't see them as often. Look at your phone during "conversations" (monologues). Stop trying to engage. After 10 years of it I just wouldn't bother anymore.

I'd also be putting barriers between them spending time with your DC. Fuck 'em. If they can't be polite to the mother, they don't get to spend lots of time with her children.

I've cut contact with DP's mother. I'm sick of being treated like the shit on her shoe. Her main problem with me is that I was a victim of DV before I met DP. It's as if I've brought shame on her family. I didn't realise how much it was getting me down until I stopped having to confront it. Your in laws are sifting, they only remember the bits that fit their picture of you. That's why they ignore anything that doesn't fit. They sound fairly toxic to me.

Some people are just not interested in anyone other than their DC. I stopped making an effort with mil when I broke my ankle and the first thing she said was 'sil broke hers x years ago' but didn't even ask how I was or if I needed any help. I'm polite but show no interest, ask no questions and only visit a about 3 times a year despite living in same town.

@Clubroc

Just to contextualise it- we were having a heated discussion about his parents' attitude towards me and I said he never pulls them up when they're rude.

He responded that he had defended me just recently. That is how it came out.

The alarm bell for me is that your MIL thought she could be rude about you to your DH. I am sure my MIL of nearly 30 years has never really been that bothered about me, but no way, never would she dare suggest or hint such a thing to my DH. She has to at least pretend to like me to her son. I think, as the Mumsnet phrase goes, you have a DH problem. His parents should have been made clear from the get go that his wife comes first, is adored by him, and therefore needs at least a semblance of politeness.

I'd stop listening. Just casually cut them off, wonder off to do something else while they're talking.

Yes OP this is really familiar. I've been with lovely DH for about 24 years, 17 of them married. Had the best MIL ever. Kind, sensible, caring. My FIL was always a bit of a prick: angry, selfish, chip on shoulder. And zero interest in me beyond when I might sprog!. Shortly after we got married my MIL passed away of cancer. He remarried shortly afterwards to someone who has no interest in me, or DH or the DCs, so when they come and visit its pretty weird. Luckily we don't see much of them anymore.
I realised about 4 years in to dating DH that my FIL had literally never asked me about my work. Still hasn't- 24 years later.
Oh and my BIL is the same.

Yep this is how it was for me and my ex PIL. I could go an entire day without either of them asking me a single question.

What doesn't help in my case is the role DH takes when he's around his parents.
He's mute.
They talk on and on and on at me. He sits and says nothing, is left alone but then praised for every basic thing he does during MILs monologue at me.
He's not mute in other circles. But I think this is the position he's taken on since being a child. It makes me feel an enormous amount of pressure when we're expected to socialise with them.

You are putting yourself under that pressure, no one else is. Try to let go of it. If your DH is mute then presumably he always has been around his parents so you knew this dynamic before you got married. How he chooses to behave doesn’t have to impact you, you don’t have to compensate for him to anyone but especially not to his parents. Take the pressure off yourself.

I think it’s fairly common but that obviously doesn’t make it right or any easier. All I can say is don’t play into the dynamic. Launch into your own monologue. If your MiL starts one then make an excuse to politely leave the room. Don’t play the game and then you won’t feel the pressure as much

I could have written your post OP. Been with my DH 25 years and MIL will talk as if I'm not there. Never asks about my job which is stressful and 12 hour days but always 'ooh DH you do look tired'. He finishes work at 1.30! I once had a miscarriage and afterwards MIL exclaims 'ooh DH you do go through it don't you'. All over DH and our DD with affection just not interested in me. She will ask DH about me when I am sat right there. ' does alpha want a cup of tea?' hello? I'm sat right here. I don't know whether she expects me to answer or him since she addresses DH with the question but he stays quiet so I have to reply. It's truly odd. My own dearest parents which makes me very sad.

I don't think it's normal - they sound very rude. However I don't think it's very unusual either, and it's better than actively hostile or over demanding.

However, it sounds like you see way too much of them. I'd draw a line now, if they can't be arsed with you, why should you with them. Practice emotional detachment from now on - just work on edging them further and further to the edge of you mind. Say Hi but always be in a rush/on a work zoom/on the way out for pick ups and drop offs - no more listening to them. Pass every deeper enquiry eg diary questions, to your DH. Say fine/jolly good to every question while adopting a slightly blank expression that indicates you aren't quite what the point of them is. Reduce family events by 20% now, and whittle every year - make sure you skip one or two and leave DH and kids too it.

Sorry meant to say my own dearest parents are deceased which makes me sad that I have no mum on my side.

Sorry to hear that @Alphavilla. I'm sure the contrast is very stark.

This is families I'm afraid. You may not measure up in their eyes and that's fine. You can't get on with everyone.

Your DH will always be close to his parents which is expected.

I don't like my MIL for instance - I just largely ignore her. My wife knows how I feel and it ain't my problem.

Life's too short to worry about others - live your life and be happy and fuck everyone else.