Is it normal to feel like a non-entity to Inlaws?

[Clubroc]

My inlaws are just not interested in me in the slightest. They love my children (their grandchildren) they adore DH, they do lots for us practically but they aren't interested in me one bit.

Whenever they come to collect/drop off my children I get these long anecdotes about SIL (their daughter) the most recent about a lost phone case. She is 37 and they are overly involved with her as they try to be with DH but they are overly interested in all aspects of her life. I have to hear about every insignificant detail of her life and FIL in particular seems offended if I don't take an interest.

Then a few years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and every 6 months I have to go for treatment qt the hospital for half a day. On occasions, they have looked after the DCs as DH has been at work and each time they ask why I'm going and I explain. Each time, they have told me that my condition is news to them like I've never mentioned it before.

Similarly when everyone was first having covid jabs, I received mine first and when rhey told me they had booked theirs in, I mentioned I'd had mine a week before and it was like I wasn't talking. No register of it at all. And then when SIL had hers they made such a song and dance about it. It's often like I'm not talking. Like I'm boring them.

If DH is stressed at work, everyone knows about it, but if I talk about work, it's like I'm not even talking.

They do sometimes ask me questions about me but they're not caring ones. Usually about my parents divorce or my mum's new partner.

Is it normal to feel like a non-entity as a mere daughter-in-law? I'd say they are way over invested in DH and SIL and polar opposite with me.

I've stopped being so polite as I find them incredibly rude in comparison to their over indulgence of DH. I know he's their son and I respect that but it feels very closed off and insular. We have been together for 10 years. They revealed to DH recently that MIL doesn't like me much. He wouldn't elaborate but told me he has defended me.

They take a similar non-interested attitude with SILs husband I'd say. I once asked DH if they might be more interested in me if I came from money like they do and he honestly admitted it was a possibility 🥴

It's nice to know I'm not the only one with PILs like this. TBH their behaviour is the reason DD is an only child. I couldn't cope with their behaviour when DD was a baby, DH wouldn't/CBA to say no to them, I certainly wasn't volunteering for another go.

I've told DH I'm done with it. I'll be civil but I don't want to spend time with them, especially MIL who cuts me off, ignores me & has been openly hostile to me when she thinks there's no-one around. They don't treat DH much better, they're only nice to him when his sibling isn't available. DD is the only grandchild so far. If that ever changes I think they'll drop her like they do with DH & his sibling.

DM can’t stand DH. He’s “not good enough” for me (not down to money or class or anything, she just doesn’t like him).

They didn’t speak for ages, and she has said some absolutely awful things over the years (I was NC for a while over it). it was only really DS being born that made her behave, and they still don’t exactly have a warm relationship.

I just keep them separate. DH doesn’t have to spend a minute in her company unless he chooses too, beyond saying hello and goodbye for the sake of politeness, if she visits when he is in the house.

I’d suggest you take a step back too, and let your DH manage the relationship.

Sounds familiar. When we visit mil always makes an effort to talk to me or rather talk at me. Her eyes glaze over when I speak or she gets distracted (once by a pigeon flying past ). When she met my dm for the first time she got flustered because she didn’t know her name and turned to me to give out and blame me for not telling her. She also gave out to me on another occasion because she was embarrassed at not being after able to tell her friend what her ds’ fiancée did for a living.

But I’m quite sure that I exist, and there are a few people that even enjoy my company so I don’t let her bother me. She is what she is. batshit

I hadn’t read all of your posts before I posted mine. Your situation does sound a bit more extreme.

I agree with a pp saying that it’s a red flag that they’d dis you to your dh. (My dh is convinced that he married the only acceptable in law because he only hears complaints about the others)

It sounds like there’s an entrenched toxic dynamic going on for you and honestly it doesn’t sound like your dh is going to be able to stand up for you. I don’t think that’s a character flaw; it’s a trauma response. What are your options to reduce contact?

Tbh I would just leave dh to it

When they come round I would go out, if they want you to visit send dh and the kids I would stay athome

If they question why I would be honest and tell them why

After a few months of really really trying with my MIL it became clear that she just didn't want me to be close. She's always preoccupied with SIL (her DD) which is fine of course, she wasn't ever hugely involved with DS but once SIL had children her children became the be all and end all, mine are mostly ignored and my 9year old doesn't even know how to speak to her properly because he doesn't know her. It's sad, I thought after lockdown it was chance to try again but then SIL jumped in and made it difficult. So back to square one. DH has tried but he sees her just as infrequently as we do.

Oh I am so sorry to hear that OP.
My MIL was lovely. She sadly died very suddenly. I still miss her and cried buckets at the time.

My in laws probably don't know any detail about me. They never ask. In conversation I have dropped it many times who I am but they change subject.They talk about DH's cousins wife's all the time though. They probably know the type of shit those cousins wives leave in the toilet. My in laws are super invested in them for some reason. I've given up putting any effort in them. I play with my phone, I go vape in their balcony, I don't talk to them anymore. I don't call, I left the family WhatsApp group saying whoops the messages was waking ds up so I was meant to put it on mute and told DH firmly that he doesn't add me under any circumstance. I can't be bothered with people who show little or no interest with me. Life is too short.

I got on very well with my forehead in laws until I became chronically ill. Suddenly even the dog didn't exist to them. My son (who is autistic) and I are excluded from the weekly family meal 'as we're too sick and difficult'.

@Annonnimoouse42

I got on very well with my forehead in laws until I became chronically ill. Suddenly even the dog didn't exist to them. My son (who is autistic) and I are excluded from the weekly family meal 'as we're too sick and difficult'.

forehead in laws ffs?

Yeah perfectly normal if they're jealous insecure twats. I could tell you never ending stories about the crap mine have put me through. Atleast ur DH sticks up for you. Mine has no balls whatsoever.

Yes same here. I doubt MIL or SIL could tell you my job, age, part of the country I'm from or indeed my surname. When they call no one attempts to even ask about me, let alone talk to me. In fact SIL video called DH at 11pm last night and seemed genuinely shocked that I was in the bed too, and that she woke me up (and woke the baby 😡).

I do not exist to them except as a buyer and sender of birthday cards 😉

Its my own DM that doesn't particularly show an interest in me. We can talk on the phone for nearly an hour and she wouldn't even ask how me or the kids are. Just a monologue of what's happening in her life and then she would ask about DH. Golden son-in-law that he is. He even gets more Christmas presents

If you looked at the photographs in my in-laws house you would think my DH was a plucky single dad bringing up four kids alone! If ever I’m accidentally in a picture she crops me out. For Christmas last year she gave me some of the free gifts she got from buying two Clinique products - not all of them - just the ones she didn’t want.
I don’t go and see her when he goes. And now the kids are older they aren’t bothered either - because they’ve noticed how she treats me and it has impacted on how they feel about her.

I think that your DCs seeing you being ignored and DH being a mute twat is not that great an impression, especially if you hide your feelings, what does it make them think of you both as they grow up.
My MIL liked me but not her other DILS ( i realise now that wasn't a compliment).
Although, kids grow quickly, DPILs age, the situation changes. But do you have to mix with them so much - I'd sort out other child care and if they comment on not seeing DCs you could just say it suits you better with the new arrangement and leave them to ponder. DMIL doesn't like you. Perhaps the truth will dawn.

@Coffeeonmytoffee

If you looked at the photographs in my in-laws house you would think my DH was a plucky single dad bringing up four kids alone! If ever I’m accidentally in a picture she crops me out. For Christmas last year she gave me some of the free gifts she got from buying two Clinique products - not all of them - just the ones she didn’t want. I don’t go and see her when he goes. And now the kids are older they aren’t bothered either - because they’ve noticed how she treats me and it has impacted on how they feel about her.

This sounds awful that she crops you out. I'm not surprised your DCs don't like her, she's stupid enough to rub it in their faces.

Mine also gives me her unwanted/free gifts at Christmas. My SIL bought me a set of 4 candles from sainsburys once. She must have bought them with MIL because she also gives me the candles- 1 for each birthday/Christmas split from the box!! Although ILs usually give me a generous envelope of money too. Obviously DH gets much more though- usually hundreds.

The irony is that I once put together a thoughtful hamper for her but because the items weren't things that she would usually buy, she cast it aside unimpressed. She didn't even say thank you. Yet, it's ok to give me her unwanted hand creams and bargain candles.

They sound rude and toxic, l would take a major step back in time and effort. I would ignore their monologues, as they are rude and boring. I would wander off to the toilet or announce you need to feed the cat. I would reciprocate the zero interest, with asking them no questions. DH can sort their presents. Think positive they wont be getting any younger and your SIL can run around after them cashing prescriptions, trying to find carers etc. I wouldn’t give them a minutes thought

Yep, been there (twice). 1st set of in laws, like yours, took zero interest in me while we were dating...we got married after 2 and a half years, MIL then warmed up slightly (probably thought that I'd be giving her a grandchild. Nope) but for me it was too little, too late.

2nd set - MIL was better, I was genuinely sad when she died of cancer. FIL...about 4 years after MIL died, we were out with him and ran into a friend of his. He introduced me as H's 'girlfriend'...we'd been married 9 years at that point, he was at the wedding...

Current partners parents are just awful. Exactly the same as @SheeceRearsmith ... partner is horrified with some of the stuff his father comes out with on a a regular basis. I've been NC with them for 7 years. Like others have posted, life is too short.

Mine is a bit like this with all of her children in law. For example, she went to "help DIL" after my SIL had a baby and her idea of helping was to make lots of meat loaf for the freezer so that her son would have food - SIL is vegan!

I thought it was just me! I've never had this problem before but my new partners mum never speaks to me when I visit. I am his first relationship after his marriage ended. It's not like she is all for the ex at all, she hates her, the only time she does talk to me is to bitch about the ex. But I don't get it. My family talk to my partner normally, want to get to know about him, ask questions etc. We are planning to stay with her after Xmas, I have to pretend to be an invisible mute for a few days! Can't imagine treating anyone my sons bring home like that

They are narcissists OP. Narcs are only interested in themselves or what they themselves are interested in. If you don't make the cut (and few do) you never will. Research it. You will see them writ large. My Sis and BIL are like this. It's funny once you recognise it so I implore you to see them as a source of amusement rather than frustration as these wankers lead such small lives.

Just to give an alternative view - this is not normal to me at all.

My in-laws are lovely and take a lot of interest in me and my work/life. They seem to genuinely enjoy my company and MIL even usually takes my side in (lighthearted) arguments.

I would concur with Gargellen here re NPD. First, narcissists lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either. They think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday/Christmas; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place. In fact, as a practical matter, the surest way NOT to get what you want from a narcissist is to ask for it; your chances are better if you just keep quiet, because every now and then the narcissist will hit on the right thing by random accident.

It is really not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. If these people are too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well and they should be kept away from these types of relatives.

In these types of thread there is often a weak and otherwise ineffectual husband who cannot assert their own self (due to conditioning and their own fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons which their parents installed in them). His inertia though hurts him as much as you. They really do think the sky will fall in on them if their parents get "upset"; they are that afraid of them and still seek their approval even though it may never be granted and or is otherwise conditional.

@Clubroc

What doesn't help in my case is the role DH takes when he's around his parents. He's mute. They talk on and on and on at me. He sits and says nothing, is left alone but then praised for every basic thing he does during MILs monologue at me. He's not mute in other circles. But I think this is the position he's taken on since being a child. It makes me feel an enormous amount of pressure when we're expected to socialise with them.

He’s choosing to do this because then you have to do all the work and he gets all the credit.

As PP have said, stop trying so hard with them. Make polite excuses to not visit, let your husband go alone with the kids. It’s not as if they care about you being there - as you say they have no interest in you as a person . So stop wasting your time and effort on them.

Suitable excuses would be - developing migraines or IBS . They could be related to your auto immune condition. Both can flare up out of the blue and mean that sadly you have to stay in your bed and rest while your DH socialises with them, even when they are at your house.

Other options are a family member ( on your side) or close friend who is unwell or going through a difficult time and needs your support at the last minute eg their marriage is on the rocks or they / their mother has been unwell and it might be cancer. It can always turn out to be something else after months of investigation. Or maybe they have depression.

Yes the IL will talk about you behind your back. But they are doing that anyway and your husband rarely defends you. So you might as well save yourself all that effort. They are not going to like you whatever you do.

Stop putting together thoughtful gifts for them - let your husband buy gifts for his side and you do yours.

When you do have to see them, stop listing to their boring monologues and use the good advice you’ve been given above.

Be more like your husband - off load all the emotional labour and wife work.

FWIW I had the same attitude from my ex husbands side of the family , not just his parents. In the 20 years we were married they never once asked me anything about me - I’d be surprised if any of them could tell you what my job is for example or the name of a single member of my family.

I was just a nanny / housekeeper / social Secretary for their son / brother. I did so much for all of them over the years, I was a very dutiful DIL / SIL. I hosted them all many time at our home while Ex H didn’t lift a finger. Visited them in hospital. Helped with weddings/ christenings / funerals.

After he walked out on me and our three children , they never saw any of us again. Not even the kids. Not a card or a text to check we were ok. Not a thing.

Don’t be like me and waste your precious time and energy over decades on people who treat you like a domestic appliance.