Is it normal to feel like a non-entity to Inlaws?

[Clubroc]

My inlaws are just not interested in me in the slightest. They love my children (their grandchildren) they adore DH, they do lots for us practically but they aren't interested in me one bit.

Whenever they come to collect/drop off my children I get these long anecdotes about SIL (their daughter) the most recent about a lost phone case. She is 37 and they are overly involved with her as they try to be with DH but they are overly interested in all aspects of her life. I have to hear about every insignificant detail of her life and FIL in particular seems offended if I don't take an interest.

Then a few years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and every 6 months I have to go for treatment qt the hospital for half a day. On occasions, they have looked after the DCs as DH has been at work and each time they ask why I'm going and I explain. Each time, they have told me that my condition is news to them like I've never mentioned it before.

Similarly when everyone was first having covid jabs, I received mine first and when rhey told me they had booked theirs in, I mentioned I'd had mine a week before and it was like I wasn't talking. No register of it at all. And then when SIL had hers they made such a song and dance about it. It's often like I'm not talking. Like I'm boring them.

If DH is stressed at work, everyone knows about it, but if I talk about work, it's like I'm not even talking.

They do sometimes ask me questions about me but they're not caring ones. Usually about my parents divorce or my mum's new partner.

Is it normal to feel like a non-entity as a mere daughter-in-law? I'd say they are way over invested in DH and SIL and polar opposite with me.

I've stopped being so polite as I find them incredibly rude in comparison to their over indulgence of DH. I know he's their son and I respect that but it feels very closed off and insular. We have been together for 10 years. They revealed to DH recently that MIL doesn't like me much. He wouldn't elaborate but told me he has defended me.

They take a similar non-interested attitude with SILs husband I'd say. I once asked DH if they might be more interested in me if I came from money like they do and he honestly admitted it was a possibility 🥴

@Just10moreminutesplease

Not normal in my experience and incredibly rude. Who cares whether they ‘chose’ you or not? Taking a basic interest is the minimum level of politeness you should show to anyone you see socially.

For an in-law, of course you should show more interest than that, and dominating conversations is rude in and of itself…

In your shoes I wouldn’t bother seeing them anymore. Why put yourself out for people who don’t care about showing you even a basic level of curtesy?

As @Just10moreminutesplease posted: In your shoes I wouldn’t bother seeing them anymore. Why put yourself out for people who don’t care about showing you even a basic level of courtesy?

Exactly this. Just because they are your in laws doesn't mean they should get away with being this rude to you. You wouldn't put up with it from any other adult, would you? I've always said that being 'family' isn't an excuse to treat others like shit...and that actions have consequences for everyone, no matter how they are related to you.

@Shortbread49 My parents have no interest in me either, unless I'm pandering to them and letting my dm control me like she did for almost 30 year. Interestingly they lost interest in my dd around age 8-9 as well, I think partly because the cute little girl phase was coming to an end, they definitely don't like the tween phase and didn't with me either. Mind you I think dm liked using dd as an accessory to make her friends think she was the doting grandmother. Once dd looked older, started having her own opinions and not wanting to play teddy bears tea parties with her anymore, dm just lost interest. It's about control with her I think, she's a narcissist.

Violet9 yes that's interesting, it is when you have independent thoughts and opinions and they lose control. I still get a rude comment if I change my hair or make an effort to dress nicely as it is not how she has chosen it. You notice when you are at secondary school and other peoples parents take an interest in you and can say nice things! Sympathies x

Don’t be passive aggressive OP. Just tell them you are aware they don’t like you so you are going to save them the trouble of having to tolerate you and won’t be present when they are. My ex PIL’s made it clear in so many ways that they didn’t like me, including no presents, so I just said I wouldn’t be there when they visited and wouldn’t be visiting them either. It was so much better once I’d told them. I never had to suffer the awful treatment again and they didn’t have to pretend. Win win!

I was treated like a second class citizen by mine. They made it clear they regarded our home as DH's house and they always put my SIL and BIL children first. However I decided about 10 years in that enough was enough and stopped making an effort. I left it to DH to get their presents (which he sometimes failed to do) and visit them which he didn't do as often in his own. I also refused to have them over unless DH cooked.

Now they are always incredibly nice to me if they do see me and always ask about me and the dc and they are always very helpful and positive if they do come over.

I really try with my own dc to be interested in their partners and not treat them as outsiders. I probably don't get it right all the time but I do try.

Do you HAVE to rely on them for childcare?

I'd just politely back away from them altogether if you can they sound awful. MIL sounds a bit narcissistic tbh.

But I do agree with your DH if you are using them for childcare (and therefore beholden to them) it is rude to not stop in for a cup of tea and a chat.

I'm afraid you can't have it both ways.

You have more than I would expect from my father in law. He calls me the wrong name and has never looked after my children

Fuck that! I'd cut them off and have no qualms about doing so.