Is it normal to feel like a non-entity to Inlaws?

[Clubroc]

My inlaws are just not interested in me in the slightest. They love my children (their grandchildren) they adore DH, they do lots for us practically but they aren't interested in me one bit.

Whenever they come to collect/drop off my children I get these long anecdotes about SIL (their daughter) the most recent about a lost phone case. She is 37 and they are overly involved with her as they try to be with DH but they are overly interested in all aspects of her life. I have to hear about every insignificant detail of her life and FIL in particular seems offended if I don't take an interest.

Then a few years ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition and every 6 months I have to go for treatment qt the hospital for half a day. On occasions, they have looked after the DCs as DH has been at work and each time they ask why I'm going and I explain. Each time, they have told me that my condition is news to them like I've never mentioned it before.

Similarly when everyone was first having covid jabs, I received mine first and when rhey told me they had booked theirs in, I mentioned I'd had mine a week before and it was like I wasn't talking. No register of it at all. And then when SIL had hers they made such a song and dance about it. It's often like I'm not talking. Like I'm boring them.

If DH is stressed at work, everyone knows about it, but if I talk about work, it's like I'm not even talking.

They do sometimes ask me questions about me but they're not caring ones. Usually about my parents divorce or my mum's new partner.

Is it normal to feel like a non-entity as a mere daughter-in-law? I'd say they are way over invested in DH and SIL and polar opposite with me.

I've stopped being so polite as I find them incredibly rude in comparison to their over indulgence of DH. I know he's their son and I respect that but it feels very closed off and insular. We have been together for 10 years. They revealed to DH recently that MIL doesn't like me much. He wouldn't elaborate but told me he has defended me.

They take a similar non-interested attitude with SILs husband I'd say. I once asked DH if they might be more interested in me if I came from money like they do and he honestly admitted it was a possibility 🥴

@noirchatsdeux

Yep, been there (twice). 1st set of in laws, like yours, took zero interest in me while we were dating...we got married after 2 and a half years, MIL then warmed up slightly (probably thought that I'd be giving her a grandchild. Nope) but for me it was too little, too late.

2nd set - MIL was better, I was genuinely sad when she died of cancer. FIL...about 4 years after MIL died, we were out with him and ran into a friend of his. He introduced me as H's 'girlfriend'...we'd been married 9 years at that point, he was at the wedding...

Current partners parents are just awful. Exactly the same as @SheeceRearsmith ... partner is horrified with some of the stuff his father comes out with on a a regular basis. I've been NC with them for 7 years. Like others have posted, life is too short.

Honestly - it’s been a real eye opener since we moved closer to them a few months ago. Should also share that FIL has not visited our new home (we moved in a month ago) - not that we want him to, but he shows zero interest in where his son and grandchildren are living. Until we moved into our home we stayed with them for a short period of time (which was hugely appreciated but very stressful) and my DS needed a trip to A&E one morning. MIL didn’t have her car and FIL was home but never offered to drive us and I didn’t have my car as my DH was packing up at our old property, miles away. I took a taxi and have not spoken to him since. Our next door neighbours once drove me and DS to hospital once. But not FIL.

My partner's parents are polite enough when we go round, but if they phone DP they will never ask about me, and if his siblings are round at the same time I am, nobody includes me in the conversation and I just sit there feeling really awkward. So I do feel like a non entity.

But there's all kinds of issues because they loved my DP's ex to bits (they all loved her, but he didn't, hence why they split up) and thought he should have married her. So they're all a bit against me because of that - even though a) I didn't even meet DP until a year after they split up and b) me and the ex and DP all get on - she's a nice person it's just that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life romantically involved with her.

I was thinking about this thread again because it struck me that they also treat your dh as a non entity too. It’s just that as an outsider you can see it and it’s not your normal.

Yep . Can relate. Dh couldn't see it at first then realised they'd been doing it to him all his life after we had children, who were also treated differently to other children in the family. My eldest cba with any of them now

@Annonnimoouse42 I've had exactly the same experience but with my own parents and my brother and sil, being chronically ill and unable to do the perfect family events they want me to seems to make me the black sheep of the family. I've always had a chronic condition but then 2 more developed over the last 10 years and I swear it's like I've brought shame on the family name. I find their behaviour and lack of any interest or understanding so upsetting I have gone v low contact with them, but parents get offended then so I can't win really! Db and sil are in their own world living the high life (they're millionaires) and the way our lives have gone are polar opposites. My dh lost his job during the first wave of Covid and because of my health I can't work, we went through a period of different things being really hard and they distanced themselves even more. Pretty sure we tarnish their image and they have no interest in us whatsoever these days.
It's a shame we live only 20 mins drive from them and also from my parents, whereas my ils who are lovely are a few hours drive away. We've been talking about moving when dd leaves school. My mil was a bit funny with me at first but then we started to get on, when I became really unwell they were the caring understanding ones, they also show lots of interest in me and just accept me the way I am. Whereas my own blood family don't give a toss!

My mil said to me she never gives me a second thought.

Mind you, my DM says terrible things to me, so that's fairly mild.

These things can also work the other way - you can be a nonentity to your DIL - she prefers her Mum , her children see more of her parents , she's not really interested in what you do . This seems to be how life works - daughters are closer to their parents than his . Men's parents often get the bum deals here .

@IamGusFring

These things can also work the other way - you can be a nonentity to your DIL - she prefers her Mum , her children see more of her parents , she's not really interested in what you do . This seems to be how life works - daughters are closer to their parents than his . Men's parents often get the bum deals here .

Not the case at all for me. My own parents aren't around.

My MIL is always interested in me, not to the same level as DH or dc but she chats away about my life.
She is much more interested than my DM.

As a result she is invited on family holidays with us and the like.
In fact she maintains contact with several of my siblings as well who she has got to know and meets up with them as well.

I did pretty well in the MIL stakes.

Not read the entire thread, but this reminds me of another OP who was an absolutely empty space for entire ILs family - PIL and all the siblings/their partners included.
She had been part of the family for 20 odd years. Never received presents or not even a card for birthday/Christmas.
Only when the PIL got old and started require 24/7 care, she was added to the WhatsApp group (she had never been part of anything related to that side of the family), and discussions there were how the OP works and what shifts she could cover for PIL. They were absolutely gobsmacked when she told them to get stuffed and were saying how "We're a family and need to pull it together!"
Some people are just knobheads.

@Kapsauss

Not read the entire thread, but this reminds me of another OP who was an absolutely empty space for entire ILs family - PIL and all the siblings/their partners included. She had been part of the family for 20 odd years. Never received presents or not even a card for birthday/Christmas. Only when the PIL got old and started require 24/7 care, she was added to the WhatsApp group (she had never been part of anything related to that side of the family), and discussions there were how the OP works and what shifts she could cover for PIL. They were absolutely gobsmacked when she told them to get stuffed and were saying how "We're a family and need to pull it together!" Some people are just knobheads.

😲😲😲

Not normal in my experience and incredibly rude. Who cares whether they ‘chose’ you or not? Taking a basic interest is the minimum level of politeness you should show to anyone you see socially.

For an in-law, of course you should show more interest than that, and dominating conversations is rude in and of itself…

In your shoes I wouldn’t bother seeing them anymore. Why put yourself out for people who don’t care about showing you even a basic level of curtesy?

@IamGusFring

These things can also work the other way - you can be a nonentity to your DIL - she prefers her Mum , her children see more of her parents , she's not really interested in what you do . This seems to be how life works - daughters are closer to their parents than his . Men's parents often get the bum deals here .

Of course you DIL prefers her own parents ! Surely you prefer your own children to other peoples ?

And what do you mean by “her” children see more of her parents ? Do you mean her children by another marriage that are not your grandchildren ? Or THEIR children - the children of your son and your DIL?

Why would it be your DILs job to organised your visits to your GC? Thats your son’s job. I’m assuming that you trained him how to use a phone / email when he was growing up?

You are bonkers to expect a random woman who happens to be your son’s partner to love you more than her own parents. Do you expect your son to love her parents more than you?

No wonder you feel you have a “ bum deal “ if that’s your expectation in life

My ex's mother treated me like that. I could have won a Nobel and it would have come second to another son's girlfriend smiling at her, ringing her once. Everyone in that family and their girlfriends were treated better than I and nothing I said was treated seriously. I vowed that should we last I would never do anything for her.

One of the great joys of divorce was that I'd never have to see them again. Am hoping they might have shuffled off the mortal coil before the DC's get married!
They managed to have our of our wedding photos on their mantelpiece without me in it - just ex-DH with them and his aunts and uncles. I left him, after 20 years, because he also sidelined me (I suspect he is gay) they told everyone I was mentally ill.

You are sadly not alone with this OP!

My (now ex - I truly did have a DH problem!!) in-laws of 25 years were like this. They are incredibly self centred and I doubt they could tell you a single thing about me. I listened to endless mind numbing anecdotes about random people and scientific theories and they would always “top” any thing I said!

They were like it with my BiL too and actively disliked him and a bit like it with exDH. We were having lunch is a pub and exDH said “well we are thinking of moving to Mars” and mil didn’t even break the stride of her monologue about how well someone at churches son was doing abroad.

Now we are divorced they don’t want to see me (possibly understandable) or their grandchildren (wtf?) which is sad and I kind of miss them!! Xx

Yes! It’s the same for me.
They’ll often feign interest and ask me questions but then start talking over me about something else by my second word.
What can you do? I’m not their kid or grandkid so they don’t really care about me.
It’s fine. My husband does and he thinks I’m reverting haha

I have similar, they are more polite but have no interest in me. This includes brother/ sister in laws. They also never remember anything about me. I have listened to a million boring monologues about their work, hobbies etc.... Me and DH have non traditional roles and I think they find it to much effort to try and relate to me. The rest of the family are all very similar, live in the same place. I have got to the point where I don’t care that much and don’t feel I need their approval. Thankfully we don’t really see them that much. DH is not good at making plans and I never help so it’s resulted in low contact!

There are so many similarities in our experiences that bring to mind other instances of weirdness/ rudeness.

My MIL is also more interested in her nephews wife who happens to be from a very wealthy french family. She goes all delirious when she sees her and can't do enough for her. It's awfully shallow as I'm sure it's because of wealth that she treats her differently to me.

Then there was the time last year that DH had covid- he was bed ridden. I was doing absolutely everything and taking care of him and so she arrived at my door with a single meal, just for DH. An unhealthy one at that after I'd said I was making healthy meals to help him recover better. It went straight in the bin- I wasn't preparing separate meals when I already had enough on my plate (mind the pun).

DH frustratingly makes out she's just dozy, she "didn't think" she "doesn't mean to" or his favourite "she's like this with everyone."
No, no. She isn't. I've seen her with other people. I've watched her sit quietly and listen to other people taking. I've watched her have 2 way conversations. I've watched her no cut people off as soon as they begin talking.

I've been keeping things quite LC for a while now but DH commented that it might be deemed rude that I won't stay and have a cup of tea with them after collecting DCs when they've been caring for them all day. I take his point, but he doesn't see how rude they are towards me at all.

I've been keeping things quite LC for a while now but DH commented that it might be deemed rude that I won't stay and have a cup of tea with them after collecting DCs when they've been caring for them all day. I take his point, but he doesn't see how rude they are towards me at all

Sorry I don’t see his point at all. They’ve been caring for their son’s children. Why doesn’t HE stay and have a cup of tea with them to thank them? They’ve been doing HIM a favour.

Why would it be some sort of reward for them to have a cup of tea with you ? They obviously don’t like you.

He can collect them if he wants to do the tea thing.

And of course he sees how rude they are to you. He just doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

My MIL is like this - she’s never asked me what I do or about my family. When my brother died at age 29 last year she never offered any sympathy and pretended she didn’t know when DH brought it up.
When FIL died she suggested that I go to NI for the week of the funeral so I wouldn’t be around - didn’t seem to get DH would quite like the support of his wife! She also just introduces me to people as “Gensola” not as DH wife so at the funeral loads of people thought I was her carer or a random acquaintance.

Same here.
My FIL in particular has less than zero interest in me, verging on disdain or annoyance at my presence.
MIL is 50/50 but we’re out of sight out of mind. If we didn’t call or text I’m not sure if they know or care if we were alive or dead!

I’d leave them to it you can’t make people interested if they are not😀. In my case it’s my parents who aren’t interested in me which is sad as I have their only grandchildren I think they stopped when I was about 8 which was the age they stopped being interested in their grandchildren and they have noticed for themselves

No, no. She isn't. I've seen her with other people. I've watched her sit quietly and listen to other people taking. I've watched her have 2 way conversations. I've watched her no cut people off as soon as they begin talking.
I bet there is something in her life history to explain this - perhaps her own DM was disinherited by her mother and was bitter about it. Perhaps there was a sister or aunt who was ostracised for some misdemeanor in the family. Perhaps her (the MIL"s) family were the black sheep in their DM's or DF's eyes. Do you know relatives, siblings?
I have come across the pandering to snooty /rich/ upper class who have become distant family

Mine are like this. My in-laws couldn't tell you my mums name, where I am from, when my birthday is and how many siblings I have and what their names are. This is how interested they are in me after 28 years.

I on the other hand would score very highly on a quiz about them as I have had to listen to it all for 28 years.

It has worked out alright though as I have zero responsibilities towards them in their old age. They now need help and they are not my monkeys, not my circus.