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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Falling for a married man

119 replies

PeelFrog · 06/12/2021 20:48

Been single for a few years now after end of 23yr marriage. Been chatting to a guy for almost 3 years, found out he was married about a year ago so tried to back off. But I'm absolutely infatuated with him, he's the most perfect guy, huge turn on, recently started to meet and the inevitable happened.... he says his marriage is on the rocks, says its his fault, he cannot stop thinking about me. I feel the same. I know it's not going to end well, I just cannot stop thinking about him and cannot wait to see him, we've been meeting about once a month, until now, seen him twice this week and seeing him again tomorrow. He says he can't get enough of me, I feel the same

OP posts:
EveningOverRooftops · 06/12/2021 22:11

@PeelFrog

My Husband cheated on me after 20 years of marriage, I know what it does. But I cannot help how I feel. I've never had butterflies or been so excited about meeting someone before. My ex was only my 3rd relationship ever. He's in touch with me everyday, tells me I'm beautiful, says he can't stop thinking about me can't wait to be with me. I've never had that with anyone I'm nearly 52, I think this is the first time I've felt like this about anyone, I'm not getting any younger, I know it's wrong but I just feel alive when I'm with him
Correct you cannot help how you feel but you absolutely can control every aspect of your behaviour.

It’s really simple. If he’s into you that much he’d tell his wife it’s over, proceed with divorce and do it the right way.

The fact his marriage is on the rocks and he only cares about wanting to fuck you is a huge red flag.

Decent men get their shit in order and don’t commit adultery.

And you are adult enough to not enable him and his shitty behaviour.

Lalliella · 06/12/2021 22:13

@PeelFrog

I dedicated 23 years if my life to my Husband and did everything for him. Had wonderful morals, where did it get me, dumped after 23 years, close to suicide because of him. Crushed. Why shouldn't I be happ, why shouldn't I be loved, he makes me feel like living again. Don't judge me on your standards, you don't choose who you fall for
close to suicide because of him How do you feel about your boyfriend making his wife feel like that OP?
Lalliella · 06/12/2021 22:14

And you don’t choose who you fall for. But you sure as hell choose what you do about it.

SW1amp · 06/12/2021 22:26

I've never had butterflies or been so excited about meeting someone before. My ex was only my 3rd relationship ever. He's in touch with me everyday, tells me I'm beautiful, says he can't stop thinking about me can't wait to be with me. I've never had that with anyone I'm nearly 52, I think this is the first time I've felt like this about anyone, I'm not getting any younger, I know it's wrong but I just feel alive when I'm with him

And because of all this, you will NEVER be happy as the bit on the side and permanent mistress.

The attention and love you crave will NEVER be satisfied knowing he spends 98% of his time with his wife

You know enough to realise he will never leave his wife for you, so you will just become more and more depressed at yet another man showing you that you’re not enough for them

Your husband casting your aside has clearly left you traumatised. How do you think you’ll feel when another man does the same?

You’re needing this cheating idiot to validate you and prove you are lovable and desirable, hence the mad dopamine hit you’re getting from his current flattery

But you’re going to be at absolute rock bottom when it finally dawns on you that you’re just a plaything while he continues to spend his life with his actual true love - his wife

Walk away now until you end up actually suicidal from being screwed over a second time

thinkingitout88 · 06/12/2021 22:32

Wow and you believe him. Have more self respect for yourself and for his wife. Disgusting

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/12/2021 22:37

tells me I'm beautiful, says he can't stop thinking about me can't wait to be with me

Dear lord... If this is real post you're being monouvered by stealth into the position of long term OW.

Monsterjam · 06/12/2021 22:38

I’m sure I’ve read this before somewhere….

Suzi888 · 06/12/2021 22:41

“ If he’s into you that much he’d tell his wife it’s over, proceed with divorce and do it the right way.”

This ^
What’s he waiting for…..

mugglenutmeg · 06/12/2021 22:42

'He's the most perfect guy'

Oh dear, what low standards you have my dear Hmm

Didimum · 06/12/2021 22:43

You didn’t post on here for any kind of advice or insight. You’re having a conversation with yourself right now. So my question would be, what are you hoping to gain here? If it’s validation, you’re not going to receive it. And, hell, if you’re going to do it anyway at least own the fact that you are complicit in another person’s pain.

MarshmallowSwede · 06/12/2021 22:44

Millions of single men in your country.. it’s billions of single men in the world. I’m sure you can find one who isn’t married.

This man is a liar who cheats on his wife. If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you.

colouringindoors · 06/12/2021 22:45

I totally get where you're coming from OP Sad

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 22:50

he's the most perfect guy

The most perfect guy is someone married to someone else?

Raise you standards.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 22:51

@DoctorManhattan

“Marriage on the rocks”.

There’s a line I would say no married man having an affair has ever, ever used . . . .

Waken up and smell the roses OP, threads like this are almost cliched now such is the obvious pattern.

Now - His marriage is on the rocks
Next - he’s getting things together to leave
Then - he’s ready to leave but his wife has a sudden illness or something and the time just isn’t right
Followed by - look, this has been fun, but I’ve decided to make another go of it with my wife - cheerio

Don't forget separate beds, she tricked him into having kids, she has mental health problems so he tries to leave but she says she'll hurt herself and he's such a good dad and nice bloke he stays because of that. Or all of the above.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/12/2021 22:52

can't wait to be with me

And yet he is.

dissociated · 06/12/2021 22:58

Do you want to confirm with his wife if his marriage is on the rocks? Don’t you want to be absolutely sure?

Whatabambam · 06/12/2021 23:00

He's not perfect though, is he? He's capable of lies and deceit and of inflicting pain and trauma. These are not the hallmarks of a perfect man. These are the hallmarks of a pathetic and selfish toad.

StellaGibson118 · 06/12/2021 23:04

They way you're writing is like when a man attempting to write a shit romance story, full of cliches and you sound immature

If this is real just sort your life out. You're all about 'I' without any consideration for anyone else.

comfortablyfrumpy · 06/12/2021 23:04

Please have some self-respect.
He is not a perfect man.
He is lying to two women. (Maybe more).

dissociated · 06/12/2021 23:06

You’ve been devastated after 23 years why would let another man do this to you again, you really need to look after your mental health and slowly build up your self esteem or you will be crushed again when he leaves you. Break out from this cycle of cheaters, you really deserve better.

StellaGibson118 · 06/12/2021 23:07

To quote my favourite comedian: when you only love yourself at 20% it means someone can come along and love you at 30% and you're like 'wow that's so much'. Whereas if you love yourself at 100% someone else has to come along and go above the call of duty to make you feel special.

That's what you deserve. People accept shit forms of 'love' because they're so deprived of loving themselves.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 06/12/2021 23:10

Don't cheapen yourself and don't do this to another human being (the woman). And before the usual lot pipe up with "it's the mans fault, he's the married one" - yes, it is is fault. He's a lying cheating pig. But the morals and basic decency of a woman who would happily go with a married man are questionable at the very least.

housemaus · 06/12/2021 23:11

@PeelFrog

I dedicated 23 years if my life to my Husband and did everything for him. Had wonderful morals, where did it get me, dumped after 23 years, close to suicide because of him. Crushed. Why shouldn't I be happ, why shouldn't I be loved, he makes me feel like living again. Don't judge me on your standards, you don't choose who you fall for
If your standards are 'sleeping with a married man' then yes, I absolutely will judge you.

You were betrayed after 23 years with your husband - what you need is therapy, time to heal, and to get your self-esteem back, not to help do the exact same to another wife because it makes you feel good.

Yummypumpkin · 06/12/2021 23:11

@StellaGibson118

Wow. Brilliantly put.

Think Mumsnet should add this to their resource threads

housemaus · 06/12/2021 23:15

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Don't cheapen yourself and don't do this to another human being (the woman). And before the usual lot pipe up with "it's the mans fault, he's the married one" - yes, it is is fault. He's a lying cheating pig. But the morals and basic decency of a woman who would happily go with a married man are questionable at the very least.
Exactly! OP, you say:

I'm not cheating on anyone, suggesting that the person who's betraying their partner is the one at fault in these situations. So you know that makes them a bad person.

Yet in the next breath 'he's the most perfect guy'. Well, he's not, is he? He's a cheat and he's been lying to his wife for 3 years. Why do you want another cheating man?

Love yourself better.

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