OLD what fo you think when men say 'no drama' in their profiles

[Fatherliamdeliverance]

Hi,

I've been OLD a while. This is a really common thing men write in their profiles, sometimes just that (I don't know if women do too).

I was just interested to see if I was alone in finding this a bit offputting. Now, I'm sure people have all had their share of relationship issues. Nobody on the apps are unscathed by this age (30s/40s). However to me, this 'no drama' business suggests that someone is just looking for a quiet life and doesn't want to ever be questioned or challenged, and doing so is likely to constitute 'drama'.

I have to say I find it a bit misogynistic, as if to say, a woman's response to any concerns would be histrionic rather than valid.

Has anyone else got a view on this? I have to say it's caused me to swipe left before.

And another OLD gripe. Has anyone else had a spate of men asking 'can I ask you a question, as an opener?' Instead of just asking it? Presumably this is designed to get you to engage. It feels a bit pick up artisty to me.

"Adventurous" in 10 years time when I kill myself jumping off durdle door on LSD whilst taking our kids on a camping holiday don't tell them I didn't warn you.
"Nice Guy" I will make sure to walk you home paralytic from drinking and will only give you a little bit of a grope, unless you're interested in more?
"Fun" Irresponsible. I will spend the rent money on festival tickets and have a house party whilst your in hospital with our sick child. Because LOL.
"Traditional values" I am an abusive man. I won't hit you if you know your place, but I will sulk, shout and bully you if you don't air on me hand and foot.
"Bit of a past" slept with 100 women and got 5 STDs in his first term at Uni.
"No filters" I think women wearing makeup is cat-fishing so whatever you look like on the first date is how you must look forever. Not just after taking your makeup off, but forever regardless of weight gain or loss, the ageing process, changes of fashion or style, etc. You must never cut or dye your hair, for one thing.
"Take me as I am" completely inflexible will not change anything about them self. Doesn't believe in therapy, education, self improvement or reading, or any other woo woo and hippy nonsense like that. Puts ketchup on all his meals, doesn't eat vegetables.

I’m shocked at the replies on here!

I put/say no drama as I don’t want someone who is planning to sleep around or isn’t mature enough for an adult relationship. I only want a relationship if it’s going to improve my life and not have a negative impact on it.

I assume other profiles are also only looking for serious relationships and not ONS when they write this.

"No drama" - in the bin. It means he wants everything to go smoothly and his way and that you are not permitted to object to anything or question anything.
Eg. once in a relationship he goes out drinking all night, comes in at 7 am rolling drunk and shouting and when you try to discuss this calmly with him once he's sober he claims you are creating "drama".

I wasn't on OLD for long. Just a bunch of assholes saying "No time wasters" - turned out they meant I want a shag this evening or at the latest tomorrow night.
Also the "I am who I am" types..... "Take me as I am"... normally means complete knob who has been dumped by several women for unacceptable behaviour but has no intention whatsoever of modifying this behaviour.

"Nice Guy" - they are the biggest pricks of all. I had a couple of boyfriends when I was younger who I met in real life (back in the days when that used to happen!) who claimed they were nice guys and they were just awful controlling assholes.

I think I've given up completely now and what's making it worse is I have actually met someone in real life and we care very much for each other but his health situation has made it impossible for us to start a relationship. Bloody typical.

It's a sign they hold antiquated views of women (unreasonable, demanding, 'hormonal', etc) and expect women to put up with lots of really shitty behaviour.

And do you think it actually works? That people who are immature / avoidant / full of drama realise that, self reflect & think - “oh I’d better not to reply to this woman, I’m all about the drama” …🤔

@evtheria

To me it says they do in fact have lots of ‘drama’ going on. Drama being children that he can’t be arsed to properly parent/support, and a poor ex who has to chase/fight him for everything.

This, 100 % !!

Seriously wtf - have you all had awful relationships which has turned you in to thinking the worst of every man out there!! If men made these sort of comments about women it would be considered totally out of order (which it would be).
I don’t like people who create drama - I don’t care if they are men or women. Totally reasonable to say you don’t want to date someone who does, or is generally high maintenance.

@SundaysinKernow

Seriously wtf - have you all had awful relationships which has turned you in to thinking the worst of every man out there!! If men made these sort of comments about women it would be considered totally out of order (which it would be). I don’t like people who create drama - I don’t care if they are men or women. Totally reasonable to say you don’t want to date someone who does, or is generally high maintenance.

You're wrong. I haven't had awful relationships which make me think the worst of all men yet I agree with the sentiments about the 'no drama' posters.

The 'no drama' implies that they expect some drama from women and they are telling you not to create any sort of fuss. It implies a misogynistic dinosaur, to me.

As signalstation says. I've had awful relationships/ encounters and great ones. I'm not put off men by it, or primed to think the worst. However, this 'no drama' stuff doesn't come across well to me and it's interesting why others feel the same (or differently). Is it likely to be effective, stipulating 'no drama'? Are people likely to view themselves that way?

I imagine it's the sort of man who says "you women, you are so irrational"

@Fatherliamdeliverance

As signalstation says. I've had awful relationships/ encounters and great ones. I'm not put off men by it, or primed to think the worst. However, this 'no drama' stuff doesn't come across well to me and it's interesting why others feel the same (or differently). Is it likely to be effective, stipulating 'no drama'? Are people likely to view themselves that way?

Perhaps they've had awful relationships and are put off. Perhaps they've had a partner with children struggled with the step parenting, who knows. If they put that 'no drama' I'd expect them to be coming as a simple relationship. As a previous poster said, looking for a proper relationship no messing around and no troublesome baggage (we all have some sort of baggage).

What does it actually mean? Who knows. Its a term that we all interpret based on our own prejudices. Have you looked at your own profile and wondered what strangers may make of individual statements.

@Mummyratbag

I imagine it's the sort of man who says "you women, you are so irrational"

Like the women of MumsNet say all men are cheaters etc. It's just a statement, make of it what you may.

@Kippersfortea

"No drama" - don't express any emotion or expectation of me "No time wasters" - if you don't want sex pretty quickly move along. "My exes are all psycho" - I'm emotionally abusive and this leads my ex partners to become increasingly upset, or I cheated on them or beat them up and they might tell you so best get ahead of it. "Ambitious" I will be too just working to pay you any attention unless I want something from you. "Passionate" sex addict. "One of the lads" expect misogynistic 'banter' which borders on abuse, and to be left holding the baby and paying the bills while I spend weekends at the pub or away on stag dos. "Enjoy a drink or two" alcoholic in denial. "Social smoker" smokes 40 a day but won't let you know that yet. "Unsure about kids" will string you along until all your fertile days have gone and then get together with a younger woman and have kids with her instead. "My Mum is the best" and you will be constantly compared to her and will never live up to her standard until I eventually move back in with her. "Feeling lucky" will gamble your savings on the roulette machine. "Feeling flirty" will flirt with everyone and end up sleeping with your sister, your auntie, your cousin or your child's school teacher. Did I say or? I meant AND. He will sleep with all of them. Probably in your bed. "Chilled out guy" bone idle, work shy, messy and dirty. Won't pull his weight around the house or as a Dad. Or financially. A future cocklodger. Throw this one back. "Outspoken" racist, sexist, homophobic.

Brilliant.

I'd add "old school" - chauvanist, misogynist, controlling, judgemental

Or as an alternative maybe it means they dont want someone still going through divorce or living with ex or having horrible custody battles or still coming to terms with the end of a long marriage.

Plenty of women put similar just worded better
But lotsa of the real reasons have probably been listed up threD!

My son had a girlfriend whose middle name was 'Drama'.I will never ever forget it . It impacted the whole family.

Re that example, I have on my profile 'sorry but I'm not looking to meet anyone with kids'. It's about the logistics for me as I want to move in the next few years but feel it would be more polite and specific than 'no drama' if that's their experience. Why would anyone view their own children as 'drama'?

'old fashioned values, like to hold the door open for ladies'

Yes, asshole, and us normal people hold the door open for women, and for men, and basically any human being who we notice is behind us as we walk through a door/ in front of us waiting to come through a door which we might get to first...

@Kippersfortea

"No drama" - don't express any emotion or expectation of me "No time wasters" - if you don't want sex pretty quickly move along. "My exes are all psycho" - I'm emotionally abusive and this leads my ex partners to become increasingly upset, or I cheated on them or beat them up and they might tell you so best get ahead of it. "Ambitious" I will be too just working to pay you any attention unless I want something from you. "Passionate" sex addict. "One of the lads" expect misogynistic 'banter' which borders on abuse, and to be left holding the baby and paying the bills while I spend weekends at the pub or away on stag dos. "Enjoy a drink or two" alcoholic in denial. "Social smoker" smokes 40 a day but won't let you know that yet. "Unsure about kids" will string you along until all your fertile days have gone and then get together with a younger woman and have kids with her instead. "My Mum is the best" and you will be constantly compared to her and will never live up to her standard until I eventually move back in with her. "Feeling lucky" will gamble your savings on the roulette machine. "Feeling flirty" will flirt with everyone and end up sleeping with your sister, your auntie, your cousin or your child's school teacher. Did I say or? I meant AND. He will sleep with all of them. Probably in your bed. "Chilled out guy" bone idle, work shy, messy and dirty. Won't pull his weight around the house or as a Dad. Or financially. A future cocklodger. Throw this one back. "Outspoken" racist, sexist, homophobic.

Only one to add

'Tactile' - basically all I want to do is get my leg over ASAP.

That one always makes me 🤢.

But YY OP, your take on 'no drama' is spot on. Yuk.

@WonderfulYou

I’m shocked at the replies on here!

I put/say no drama as I don’t want someone who is planning to sleep around or isn’t mature enough for an adult relationship. I only want a relationship if it’s going to improve my life and not have a negative impact on it.

I assume other profiles are also only looking for serious relationships and not ONS when they write this.

I will never ever swipe right on a profile which says 'no drama' for all the reasons listed.

But you carry on!

It means “I love drama but I’m going to pretend that I don’t to maximize my chances at getting in your pants. I have an avoidant attachment style but want to attract and waste the time of women who have secure attachment style. I enjoy making emotionally stable people feel unstable for my entertainment. I will waste your time and tell everyone you’re crazy.”

Do these dating sites,have a reviews section, like when you want to buy something online, and you can review all the buyers opinions about the product. Maybe not, so you just have to get what you sent for,and hope it's not faulty or a dud.

I think qualities of a narc, creep, psycho, lout, perv, sexist, etc.

Saying that, I engaged with a horrible man for many months and he had none of that on his bio. I just don't bother with OLD, or dating. Not worth it.

Why would anyone view their own children as 'drama'?

Perhaps because they're their children and to a new partner may be ''drama' just as you'd view them. Not a clear way to say it should have said as you have...
----
Looking for long term however...
I don't have kids and wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone with kids.
Don't do drugs and don't expect to relate to a drug user,
Don't mind drink provided its not habitual
etc
Lots of these things you'd probably find out over time and seem a bit blunt. Perhaps he feels 'no drama' covers it all.

Should have added -- No mumsnetters