Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone make sense of this?

82 replies

turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:07

It isn't exactly the detail, but it's how it pans out that I want advice on, it all seems so unhinged.

Last year I suffered a bereavement and as such have a lot of family stuff suddenly. A few months ago I mentioned to H about storing some of it in our shed and he gave a very angry and strong answer - no. He had a reason but it was not rational. The force of how he forbade me put me off asking about it again until yesterday, when I asked if I could, and explained I was asking because he'd been against it previously.

He seemed annoyed that I had mentioned his previous strong words against it. 'How could I say that' about him, and so on. He'd 'never act like that.' He was angry as if I was badmouthing him but it was just what happened. He then proceeded to spend the evening looking very frightening and saying I was crazy. He was absolutely furious, even though I was just daring to ask something reasonable. I didn't push it but did tell him to stop talking to me like that, and reiterated the simple truth of the situation. I felt upset to be honest. I'd been trying to sensitively fix something about my family belongings, feeling grief.

This morning he was fuming, saying I had ruined things by calling him names and by fuming I mean practically snarling and in a deep state of blocked off anger. It didn't change, and now he's out.

Does anyone have any - and I mean any - idea of what could have happened here? I asked something normal to do with a bereavement (which I was feeling a upset about it being nearly christmas) and because it included the fact that he's said no in a slightly mean way before he lost it for 24 hours, basically. He's been frightening, OTT. I should say we've been married for 15 years and have two kids. It's insane! He's acted like this before but I haven't made head nor tail of it. Do you know how to describe what's going on?

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 05/12/2021 21:11

How old is he? Early onset dementia? I believe that this can often manifest in personality changes and aggression as well as memory loss.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2021 21:11

You say he's acted like this before but it appears it was never brought up or discussed. This time you've called him out on his overreaction and he doesn't like that apparently.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:12

Sorry, he's acted like this about other things. He goes ballistic if you remind him of something he did that doesn't reflect well on him.

OP posts:
Lemonlady22 · 05/12/2021 21:14

Hes a horrible man....I expect he's waiting for you to say sorry for something which is actually his fault. I spent 30 years with a similar man, they don't change.

Lovewins · 05/12/2021 21:14

He’s buried someone in the shed?

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2021 21:15

Then there's your answer. He assumes he can act like an arsehole, but you're an arsehole if you mention it. How bloody wearing it sounds.

aurynne · 05/12/2021 21:15

Could he be hiding something in the shed he doesn't want you to see? Have you been in that shed lately?

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 21:16

Another vote for Early Onset Dementia here.

Maybe do a bit of research OP, just in case...

www.dementiauk.org/

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:16

No, the shed is basically empty - it wasn't about the stuff or the shed, he doesn't even remember or have a strong view on it now. It's just that sometimes when you ask him something he will reply in a very strong almost frightening way that puts you off. Lots of things.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 21:18

Doesn't it completely turn you off him? If someone I loved started being 'frightening' over something that was an emotionally sensitive subject for me, I just wouldn't want to be around them, be open with them, be emotionally vulnerable with them. I think I'd just close off.

Lightstoobright · 05/12/2021 21:19

What was the reason he gave for not putting stuff in the shed?

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:20

@TheFoundations yes, it does
@Lightstoobright that he might want to put more of his stuff in there, he hadn't decided yet

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 21:21

He’s trying to gaslight you by saying he’d never act like that and that is an insidious form of psychological abuse. This is also repeated behaviour from him and that is another red flag. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here.

How does this man behave to work colleagues and or outsiders, my guess is he is all sweetness and light with them. It is for you, and in turn your children who get exposed to this from him too that his treatment of you is directed.

I would completely re evaluate your relationship and think seriously about whether you wish to remain in it. I would personally not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 21:24

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing them?.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:24

It did feel a bit like that @AttilaTheMeerkat. It was me who felt upset in the first case (grief, then nerves at raising something I'd felt snapped at about), but now he's made sure he's so upset - like almost having a breakdown - that it does almost make it look as if I should apologise to him. Yes, with everyone at work he is very charming.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 21:26

Are you considering leaving, if he's shutting off your desire to be emotionally open with him? That's not going to be a healthy relationship, going forward. You'll be censoring yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 21:28

He’s very good at making you take the blame for an argument he both manufactured and started, I would also read about DARVO as he could be using this against you too.

He’s doing this because he can and also feels entitled to act like this.

I would not continue raising your children in such a toxic and cloying atmosphere.

BeaMends · 05/12/2021 21:31

I agree with a pp - it's called gaslighting.

santasmuma · 05/12/2021 21:31

The force of how he forbade me put me off asking about it again until yesterday, when I asked if I could, and explained I was asking because he'd been against it previously.

Why are you asking to use your own shed?

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:32

@santasmuma It was more of a polite ask, about something shared: 'I think I might do this' -- it was him who forbade me, changing the dynamic

OP posts:
3luckystars · 05/12/2021 21:33

He is rewriting what happened. Does he often do this?

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:34

yes, he does

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 21:36

He sounds more and more like a jailer than your husband. Who died and made this man king?. What’s all this about you being forbidden to use what is an empty shed?.

Apart from this what is he really like with you day to day?. My guess is that things are only really good for you when you are quiet and subservient to him. Not good relationship lessons to teach your children.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2021 21:37

What do you want to do? Are you happy, resigned to the way he treats you or contemplating ending the marriage?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 21:37

He often gaslights you doesn’t he?.

In that case you need to plan your exit from this marriage because this is not going to improve let alone apologise or take any responsibility for his actions.