Can anyone make sense of this?

[turnthemintojelly]

It isn't exactly the detail, but it's how it pans out that I want advice on, it all seems so unhinged.

Last year I suffered a bereavement and as such have a lot of family stuff suddenly. A few months ago I mentioned to H about storing some of it in our shed and he gave a very angry and strong answer - no. He had a reason but it was not rational. The force of how he forbade me put me off asking about it again until yesterday, when I asked if I could, and explained I was asking because he'd been against it previously.

He seemed annoyed that I had mentioned his previous strong words against it. 'How could I say that' about him, and so on. He'd 'never act like that.' He was angry as if I was badmouthing him but it was just what happened. He then proceeded to spend the evening looking very frightening and saying I was crazy. He was absolutely furious, even though I was just daring to ask something reasonable. I didn't push it but did tell him to stop talking to me like that, and reiterated the simple truth of the situation. I felt upset to be honest. I'd been trying to sensitively fix something about my family belongings, feeling grief.

This morning he was fuming, saying I had ruined things by calling him names and by fuming I mean practically snarling and in a deep state of blocked off anger. It didn't change, and now he's out.

Does anyone have any - and I mean any - idea of what could have happened here? I asked something normal to do with a bereavement (which I was feeling a upset about it being nearly christmas) and because it included the fact that he's said no in a slightly mean way before he lost it for 24 hours, basically. He's been frightening, OTT. I should say we've been married for 15 years and have two kids. It's insane! He's acted like this before but I haven't made head nor tail of it. Do you know how to describe what's going on?

He had an explosive reaction to a reasonable request, so you backed off. When you mentioned it again, did you mention his previous reaction? Even something as simple as, "i know you were so against it last time" or "I know you said no before but"?

The reason I ask is I have a relative like this. Its almost like they cool off, then you highlight they were unreasonable and they simply can't handle the perceived attack on their character, so they deny it ever happened completely. It can escalate to calling you crazy etc and yes, its gaslighting at its worst.

The way I handle it, rightly or wrongly, is to kind of gaslight them back, in that I pretend the first conversation never happened. Say nothing that could be perceived as an attack so they can react aggressively, but just ignore that part of the previous conversation. So something like, "i was thinking about storing x in the shed, it won't take up much room then we can still use it ourselves for what we need".

Thats only a short term solution though. Mid-long term you need to think about leaving this narcissistic enraged bully.

On a practical point I agree with above poster- I think originally he had something in there he didnt want you to see and got rid off and mentioning it again has now got his back up— I do know how you feel OP, have experienced similar ‘turn on a sixpence’ Rages about trivial stuff

@turnthemintojelly

Thanks, yes. It does match the description. Does that add anything to it though do you think? I suppose it might mean he’s very unlikely to change

If you understand someone's thinking patterns and behaviours, you can't fix them, but you can learn specific methods to better manage their outbursts.

It’s irrelevant whether or not he’s hiding something in the shed, the op is very afraid of her husband because he abuses and gaslights her. Hopefully you will be able to leave him soon and live peacefully, without his rages and bullying.

To live peacefully sounds exactly what I want, what bliss that would be.

Oh dear @turnthemintojelly your posts make me so sad. To live peacefully is so little to ask, and also so wonderful …I do hope you can achieve this. Maybe this time next year ?! So sorry you’re grieving and have all this on top. Hugs and 💐

Thanks @goody2shooz that's kind. I do feel sad.
It is sad to see someone treat you hurtfully but not care.