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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone make sense of this?

82 replies

turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 21:07

It isn't exactly the detail, but it's how it pans out that I want advice on, it all seems so unhinged.

Last year I suffered a bereavement and as such have a lot of family stuff suddenly. A few months ago I mentioned to H about storing some of it in our shed and he gave a very angry and strong answer - no. He had a reason but it was not rational. The force of how he forbade me put me off asking about it again until yesterday, when I asked if I could, and explained I was asking because he'd been against it previously.

He seemed annoyed that I had mentioned his previous strong words against it. 'How could I say that' about him, and so on. He'd 'never act like that.' He was angry as if I was badmouthing him but it was just what happened. He then proceeded to spend the evening looking very frightening and saying I was crazy. He was absolutely furious, even though I was just daring to ask something reasonable. I didn't push it but did tell him to stop talking to me like that, and reiterated the simple truth of the situation. I felt upset to be honest. I'd been trying to sensitively fix something about my family belongings, feeling grief.

This morning he was fuming, saying I had ruined things by calling him names and by fuming I mean practically snarling and in a deep state of blocked off anger. It didn't change, and now he's out.

Does anyone have any - and I mean any - idea of what could have happened here? I asked something normal to do with a bereavement (which I was feeling a upset about it being nearly christmas) and because it included the fact that he's said no in a slightly mean way before he lost it for 24 hours, basically. He's been frightening, OTT. I should say we've been married for 15 years and have two kids. It's insane! He's acted like this before but I haven't made head nor tail of it. Do you know how to describe what's going on?

OP posts:
3luckystars · 05/12/2021 21:37

You are going to have to start recording things so. You didn’t mention if he had aspergers or not in the earlier post.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2021 21:41

Gaslighting is nothing to do with Asperger’s syndrome and implying otherwise shows no understanding of what AS actually is and entails.

Anordinarymum · 05/12/2021 21:41

Why did you have to ask OP? Just do it. You do not need his permission for anything.... anything at all

TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 21:52

@3luckystars

You are going to have to start recording things so. You didn’t mention if he had aspergers or not in the earlier post.
What's Aspergers got to do with it?
3luckystars · 05/12/2021 21:58

Sorry I must have misunderstood. I thought I recognised the behaviour from another thread. Apologies about that.

I don’t think all rewriting is necessary gaslighting, some people do genuinely remember things differently than what actually happened so it is worth recording it, especially if they are doing it a lot.

pog100 · 05/12/2021 22:08

Leaving aside the whole basis of the argument, although you are clearly the reasonable one here, you should never be frightened of a partner. If you are there's something drastically wrong. Does he also frighten the kids at times? I think you might be recognising something important here.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 22:12

Yes @pog100 I regularly find him frightening. Whether he is actually objectively being frightening I am not sure, it’s more that I find the way he’ll take such a sharp tone with me frightening as if it’s indicative of a way things might turn, for example. He sets all my alarm bells off

OP posts:
Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 22:14

He seems out of control of how he’s acting, and that I find frightening. His response doesn’t match what’s been said/is going on

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 22:39

There is no 'objectively frightening', OP. You're frightened. That can't be 'wrong'; your feelings are your feelings.

I think you need to stop trying to describe and explain what's going on; it's a bit like trying to work out the colour of the flames from your armchair whilst your house burns down. The whys and wherefores are irrelevant, or can be considered another day. If he's regularly frightening you, you need to get out.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 23:26

Yes, I suppose you're right. I've been trying to think about giving him the benefit of the doubt on the chance he's got some kind of blindness to how other people feel. But it is hurting and frightening me.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 05/12/2021 23:42

Even if he's 100% emotionally blind, that doesn't mean that you have to put up with feeling frightened. That's not a logical progression. If he's emotionally blind, you need to stay away from him.

What are you trying to do, take care of him as if him hurting you is an illness he has?

You know better, really, don't you?

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 23:51

I suppose I've got caught between a knowledge that he makes me frightened and miserable, and a commitment to marriage vows/the kids meaning I have to withstand anything

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 05/12/2021 23:55

But by withstanding anything you are showing your children that you are allowing him to abuse you and subjecting them to a miserable life.

Can't you stop running things by him and just get on with it, or does he block you OP

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 23:57

Early on in our relationship I tried to just 'get on' with things and he was very upsetting. I remember specifically going to get all the ingredients to cook him a delicious meal (at his, where I was spending a lot of time) and he bizarrely was cross I'd done so, and called it controlling. Refused to eat it.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 05/12/2021 23:58

I suppose I've got caught between a knowledge that he makes me frightened and miserable, and a commitment to marriage vows/the kids meaning I have to withstand anything
Marriage vows take two people to keep, they are promises made between people. If one Pierson is regularly frightening the other, then they are hardly loving and cherishing them are they? Leaving in those circumstances is not breaking your vows, it’s simply acknowledging and accepting that he’s decided those vows don’t matter to him anymore, which also means you aren’t held by them anymore.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 05/12/2021 23:59

That's a very useful thought, @timeisnotaline. Thank you.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 06/12/2021 07:04

Op I can hear the fear behind your earliest posts. It must be very confusing and cause you to go into a state of anxiety and panic when he goes, completely unpredictably, into one of these rages.

I suspect there's no rhyme or reason behind which things he goes off about - the driver here is to keep you off balance and desperate to not "rock the boat" and unleash his rage.

I once read on these boards "you can't rock a boat on a stormy sea" and that was bang on!

You mentioned that his rages are often triggered by reminding him of past bad behaviour/embarrassment/"failure". That sounds like classic narcissistic rage, especially the "How could you say such terrible lies about me???" A pp mentioned DARVO and I would recommend you look into this typical narc behaviour.

How old are your DC? They must be incredibly stressed living in this atmosphere. My dad uses to have rages like your H. We all walked on eggshells to avoid" setting him off", as if it was our fault, and that implied lesson of "if someone is abusive to you, it's your fault for making them angry" affected my relationships well into my 40s - I chose similarly angry men for a long time. Because it was familiar and "normal" to me.

Please give yourself and your children a better future. You deserve it 💐

Graphista · 06/12/2021 07:19

I'm thinking something in she'd help didn't want you to see...and that he has now moved/thrown out!

Either way, that he behaved this way and has done before is totally unacceptable

and a commitment to marriage vows/the kids meaning I have to withstand anything

That's a total nonsense pic misogynistic and outdated ideology designed to keep women and children trapped with abusive men. My mum thought similarly and has stayed with a deeply abusive man despite us (the dc) begging her to leave both as children and adults

And don't be under ANY illusion that this isn't affecting your kids. I've been a kid in this kind of situation and they do know and they absolutely feel the tension, the fear, the inability to feel safe and relaxed in their own home

Early on in our relationship I tried to just 'get on' with things and he was very upsetting.

And I'm betting YOU changed YOUR behaviour. He trained you to accept the abuse and do things as he likes them done

That sounds like classic narcissistic rage

Yep! Exactly like my father, highly critical of others but woe betide anyone who points out his failings!

Your children will be absorbing all this and learning dysfunctional lessons

Like @EvenMoreFuriousVexation I'm now 49 and STILL having to resist the anxiety that overwhelms me at even the thought of confronting someone about the mildest of issues

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 06/12/2021 07:32

I’ve looked up narcissistic rage just now, that does sound like him. If I’ve been harsh (though I hardly ever am in the same way) I remember it and would know it when it came up later— I can’t imagine being cross because I’d been horrid to someone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 06/12/2021 07:33

I mean, it’s hard to even relate to the behaviour.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 06/12/2021 07:43

You're in an abusive relationship and need to leave. That's what's happening.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 06/12/2021 09:35

Thanks everyone for their help on this

OP posts:
Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 06/12/2021 09:52

I feel very bad about it still, but reassured in a way that it doesn’t seem like anything I did could have made it better

OP posts:
Lcar · 06/12/2021 10:09

Huge red flags there (the typ which I allowed to happen with my ex).

It took me way too long to call him out on things, at which point he became really aggressive, told me I was losing my mind, and that the fault was all mine. It wasn’t.

He’s gaslighting you.

It’s dangerous.

Quit now while you still have your sanity.

Original poster
turnthemintojelly · 06/12/2021 10:09

Did you have kids, @Lcar? If I didn’t I’d be gone today

OP posts: