Resentment is eating up my marriage. How do I/we get out of this toxic whirlpool?

[ElfinsMum]

DH and I have lived together twenty years, over ten of those married. We have three kids, 10 yo-baby.

When we first met, I was young and I thought our families were very different. I was from the south and posh (posh enough that we weren't allowed to use the word "posh" because it was common 🤦‍♀️). He was from (a very poor part of) the North East and lower middle.

However, with years of hindsight, our family dynamics were actually much more similar than it seemed on the surface. And one area they were very similar was that mum owns and runs the domestic sphere, at most Dad helps out.

As soon as we moved in together, when I was still young enough to find playing house fun, this played out in our relationship/marriage. Ten years and three kids in, my resentment levels have finally reached toxic: I don't think I can carry on doing 90% of the laundry, shopping and cooking, 50% of the cleaning and close to 100% of the family mental load just because I have a fanny. You won't be surprised to hear that I also do probably 70-80% of the child rearing because obviously I have the boobs too.

DH would argue that he does some chores - more than his dad ever did certainly - and helps me when I ask for it. But this is also enraging. There are whole aspects of domestic work my super intelligent DH still has no idea how to do: when I was being wheeled to the ambulance bleeding heavily at 34 weeks pregnant with my now toddler, he said "Do I have to clean the toilet now?" to which I replied dripping with scorn "Would you like me to just jump down from this trolley and scrub it for you?". Most enraging of all is that whenever he does chores, especially if he does them unprompted, instead of being pleased I feel like a failure.

I want these learned gender stereotypes to just fuck off. Failing that, I want to find a way to either accept the "female" work without the toxic resentment or redistribute it more evenly without feeling like I've failed as a wife and mother. How have others squared this circle? Practically but more so emotionally. Is it possible to recover and be a happy couple again?

Do you work ?
If you’re both working full time then you should both be doing 50%, if you’re PT then you should do a bit more around the house.
But, he’s got to agree to that. If he doesn’t, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do with that.
You might be better on your own as then you don’t have to clean his share, and you get kid free time when he has them.
But I personally think that when you’ve reached resentment, it’s over.
But if your DH is doing 50% of the cleaning he’s doing for more than mine.

Oh he works FT and I work PT at the moment if that's relevant. But we have tried every combination on that front from me being SAHM during long mat leaves to me being primary earner and him working 3 days per week. The split of domestic chores didn't budge hardly at all. The childcare shifted in terms of hours but not really in terms of responsibility.

Do you have guns for couples counselling?

If you've been together a decade your habits as a couple are going to take some effort to unpick.

From what you’ve written I assume you were happy to do the domestic drudge to begin with, when you first lived together, so perhaps he doesn’t see why he should change. Even though your lives have.
I can feel your frustration through what you’ve written.
How do you feel about counselling, or has it gone too far for that ?
Do you go out together, hold hands/ have sex etc, or are you pushing him away ?

You have a toxic relationship dynamic that’s going to be impossible to shift without something dramatic happening. Counselling? You could move out for 6 months into your own easily to manage house/flat and let him look after himself for a bit so that he learns that way? Every other weekend to yourself to do exactly as you please. Spa weekend first on the list.

I assume it was "funds" for counseling @Animood... although guns is about where it's at 🤣

I actually understand the dichotomy: I
Also feel resentful yet I also feel an implied criticism when he steps up without asking

I dish out the jobs and they do them

Your children are old enough to step up. Even if you think it’s doesn’t matter - you’re helping a future woman by raising a domesticated man!

My children (9&12)

• pair the socks
• do their blinds windows curtains and beds before I will take them to school
• bring their washing down and are responsible for the sports kit. They do sports every day so this is actually very helpful.

You feel the implied criticism because it is INGRAINED in us that it’s our job.

Delegate delegate delegate.

And stop buying the inlaws gift if that your job too

My children have £££.in their accounts - I’m taking them shopping to buy grandparents presents this year - they’re old enough to start giving back IMO.

PS My children have penises so I don’t want to raise useless males who have an easy life just thinking about themselves.

@EIIa My DD10 has said on occasion that she doesn't want kids because being a mum looks so hard 😢

(She adores the baby though so hopefully she isn't completely put off!)

I actually think that this generation of boys will grow up to be really domesticated the children of full time parents are great on the housework front. Really great.

However I really don’t want to work full time so won’t: I think it’s hugely difficult and don’t want two jobs thankyou.

My husband didn’t so much as make a bed before he left home and it does show.

He won't change. Buy help with his money instead. And be honest about why.

You've recognised the dynamic but has he? What does he say if you say you're at breaking point? If he doesn't think there's a problem you're not going to get too far.

How's your sex life? The lovely pruni off here once said to me that it's much harder to stay angry with someone you're having regular sex with. Can you let go and let him give you pleasure? I resented my husbands almost as a matter of course - the resentment was part of the dynamic as well as the workload - and never let them take me out of myself. Of course they had trouble doing so as well.

He earns less than me @Avarua, on FTE basis. Not that I think that should have any bearing on this conversation.

I can see that buying in help would help on a practical level but does it defuse the resentment?

We're pretty untidy. We had a cleaner years ago and I had to do a massive tidy each week before she came. Now I'd be tidying five people's mess.

IME a cleaner/helper does massively diffuse resentment, yes. Because shit gets done and you don't have to do it. Or nag. It just gets done.
Cleaners can have job descriptions extended to include other things like laundry.

Does he have an argument for doing disproportionately less?
Agree that shifting habits now is difficult. What would happen if you downed tools?
As with @PermanentTemporary , are you still connected sexually in a fulfilling way or is that on the list of issues as well?

Can you get a cleaner? My now DH was like this when I first moved in with him. His previous relationships, the women seemed to have done literally everything. Well, he could FUCK RIGHT OFF if he expected me to be his maid, I worked as many hours as he did (and still do) I remember him asking me if he had any clean pants and trying to decide whether to laugh in his face or stab him!! In the end, I responded, I don’t know, have i? He got it then and we got a cleaner sharpish!! So, if you can, get a cleaner and then invest in some counselling to make him understand why you feel so resentful. Having a penis does not make you allergic to domestic chores

Arguments won't change the whirlpool of resentment though. Or deep and meaningful chats. Fact is, he doesn't do stuff and he won't do stuff. So you either leave him or find other ways to get stuff done.

Draw up a rota ,a list of jobs
Share them out according to work hours ,so he works more hours ,so does less jobs
Unless when your not at work you have a child at home ,so then share jobs out 50/50
Give each of you the jobs you like
So if one likes cooking ,they do that
If one dislikes taking rubbish out ,the other does that
Give the kids a job too
It will take time to plan out
A couple of jobs each a day should keep things ticking over .
Then everyone knows who does what and when

Watching with interest. Am in the same situation

@Buildingthefuture That genuinely made me laugh! My DH could absolutely come out with that line, although tbf he never has (because muggins here has always kept him stocked with clean undies clearly ).

I draw the line at buying him clothes though. When my in laws came to stay after the baby and my mil took over laundry for several weeks, she went out and bought him new undies and socks.

(She also cried - allegedly on behalf of the poor children, although they are actually very wealthy and quite materially spoilt - when I explained as politely as I could that I had resigned from doing cards, presents etc on his behalf and that was why her other GCs were no longer receiving gifts from us.)

If you get a cleaner who is self-employed and you can negotiate directly with them about what they will do, that can be an absolute godsend. I set up the expectation with my cleaner years ago that she knows where everything goes - we went through all the drawers, cupboards etc on her orientation visit - and she treats her time as she would at home. If it's messy, she tidies; if it's out, she puts it away; if it's tidy, she deep cleans. She always prioritizes the important bits so the house is presentable. It means that sometimes she doesn't have time to wash the floors or whatever but I always come home knowing that I don't have to do anything and I never do a special tidy before she comes round. It is such a mental load off! I hope she never leaves me...

How can you not leave him? The comment as you were being trollied away would kill the whole thing stone dead for me. I would never want to wash a spoon he had used let alone get back to facilitating his life in every respect.
Leave. Pay for help. Have a lovely life is the answer here. He is not due the tiniest bit of respect.

I've no idea how to resolve the resentment or the feeling you should have done it yourself when your DH does something. When DH ( rarely) does a bit of cleaning he tells me about it, like he should get a medal or something. However his saving grace is that he is a lot tidier than me and he does specific tasks like the recycling, half the cooking, the bill management and all of the gardening so it's not as bad.
On a practical note get a robohoover as they're brilliant and mean practically no additional vacuuming. I've heard that robomops are good as well, but we've not got one. Basically anything to reduce the time taken.

You need a rota and a list of jobs. This is a totally solvable situation. Draw up a list of all the jobs that need doing in the house and how often they need doing, subdivided by room. For example:

Bathroom
Scrub toilet
Scrub bath
Scrub shower
Mop floor
Empty bin
etc etc

Absolutely everything that needs doing in each room, and a suggestion of how often you think it needs doing. Show the first draft of your list to your DH and ask for his input. Is there anything you've missed out? (there may not be, but for the sake of your marriage this needs to be a joint enterprise, and you never know - he might come out with something useful like "actually I clean out the coffee machine once a week and you've never noticed, that should come under 'kitchen'")

Then you assign tasks. Pick the ones you don't mind doing and say, OK, from now on, I'll deep clean the kitchen every week if you do all the bathroom tasks, or whatever. Or, I'll take full charge of all laundry if you take full charge of all bins and recycling, including trips to the dump/charity shops. The important thing is that you both agree that all the tasks on the list need doing, and you're both happy they're split fairly.

And then - this is the really crucial bit - assign a TIME for each regular job to happen and a TIME LIMIT for how long it should take. Eg, the bathroom gets done on Tuesdays, it should take half an hour; the dishwasher gets emptied every morning before breakfast and should take 5 minutes. Ask him what regular day/time is best for him to do the kitchen or whatever he's agreed to and then put it in a joint calendar which issues alerts on his phone or watch or laptop. That way you are not the nag; his technology is.

It feels like a mammoth undertaking to get it all in place at first but don't be tempted to think "oh I'll just do it all" - soon you'll both have the luxury of just having the list and the timetable and doing everything on it without having to think about it or nag each other. And you get the satisfaction of being team-mates both working towards the same goal, both feeling useful and productive and proud of your home.

If he then doesn't stick to the plan, or just ignores his share of the work, or feels resentful to be doing it at all... then you can have a serious conversation about why it's not working.

@elfinsMum alas, I still do all the present buying and wrapping, I quite enjoy that though!!
I think he has to feel the consequences of his laziness…..I used to work with a lovely young girl when she first moved in with her boyfriend. He was a lazy bastard too and if she asked him to do anything, he moaned she was nagging etc….the usual bollocks. So one day she said to him…”you leaving your dirty pots in the sink makes my fanny shrivel up and die” Now that was a message he understood and he couldn’t get cracking on the washing up fast enough