Resentment is eating up my marriage. How do I/we get out of this toxic whirlpool?

[ElfinsMum]

DH and I have lived together twenty years, over ten of those married. We have three kids, 10 yo-baby.

When we first met, I was young and I thought our families were very different. I was from the south and posh (posh enough that we weren't allowed to use the word "posh" because it was common 🤦‍♀️). He was from (a very poor part of) the North East and lower middle.

However, with years of hindsight, our family dynamics were actually much more similar than it seemed on the surface. And one area they were very similar was that mum owns and runs the domestic sphere, at most Dad helps out.

As soon as we moved in together, when I was still young enough to find playing house fun, this played out in our relationship/marriage. Ten years and three kids in, my resentment levels have finally reached toxic: I don't think I can carry on doing 90% of the laundry, shopping and cooking, 50% of the cleaning and close to 100% of the family mental load just because I have a fanny. You won't be surprised to hear that I also do probably 70-80% of the child rearing because obviously I have the boobs too.

DH would argue that he does some chores - more than his dad ever did certainly - and helps me when I ask for it. But this is also enraging. There are whole aspects of domestic work my super intelligent DH still has no idea how to do: when I was being wheeled to the ambulance bleeding heavily at 34 weeks pregnant with my now toddler, he said "Do I have to clean the toilet now?" to which I replied dripping with scorn "Would you like me to just jump down from this trolley and scrub it for you?". Most enraging of all is that whenever he does chores, especially if he does them unprompted, instead of being pleased I feel like a failure.

I want these learned gender stereotypes to just fuck off. Failing that, I want to find a way to either accept the "female" work without the toxic resentment or redistribute it more evenly without feeling like I've failed as a wife and mother. How have others squared this circle? Practically but more so emotionally. Is it possible to recover and be a happy couple again?

You need a rota and a list of jobs. This is a totally solvable situation. Draw up a list of all the jobs that need doing in the house and how often they need doing, subdivided by room. For example:

Lol.

He has spent his life avoiding any house work, doesn't even know how to clean a toilet and you think he is going to be managed? Down to how much time is assigned to each job?

The only way men like this change is when you leave. And even then they are likely to find someone new to do it for them.

I assigned the bathroom to DH. He does it whenever he feels like it, and does a poor job of it.

Op.
I understand you completely.

For us the tables turned when my dh began working from home and I continued my 50 hours a week working out of the house.

I had seething resentment as prior to that, I worked 50 hours a week and did 95% of everything else.

Now, my house is a shithole, takeaways are numerous but the kids are where they need to be club/school wise.
I don’t have a day off. Before my regular night shift, if I don’t clean then the house remains filthy.

I’m often just too shattered to move.
Still have seething resentment but being out of the house so much means I don’t have to look at it or him.

I do the majority of household tasks but my DH has responsibility for the bathroom. I never touch the bathroom. He can clean it whenever he wants and to his schedule: it is his responsibility.

For me that was much better than trying to get home to fit in with my schedule on things.

I probably do too much but I’m happy enough because I don’t feel like it’s all on me.

*He has spent his life avoiding any house work, doesn't even know how to clean a toilet and you think he is going to be managed? Down to how much time is assigned to each job?

The only way men like this change is when you leave.*

The only way men like this can even have a hope of changing is if their partners actually tell them what they expect of them, rather than just resenting them silently for decades and then leaving.

If they still don't change then fine, leave.

Bold fail, was quoting PP at the beginning there.

I have tried asking him to do additional chores obviously. For example, when I returned to work after last mat leave I asked him to hang out the laundry on the days he works from home (yeah, I aimed small to try and avoid disappointment). He has remembered twice so far I think in 3 months. This week I have just asked him to put a calendar task in to remind him.

I put the laundry on on my way TO THE TOILET when I get up.

This is one example of a wider trend where what is important to me isn't important to him and it has proved virtually impossible to persuade him to change that. He has no probs remembering and making time for his own priorities, e.g. his hobbies.

I think some of the imbalance is because we got together young and have stuck to the same (gender based) split of tasks. So there are some things I am completely ignorant of that a grown woman ought to know, like anything to do with the car except literally putting fuel in or DIY.

I remember when my grandfather in law died, his wife had to ask at the garage how to fill up. The kind employee who helped her at her small local garage said it is very common.

But I'm 40 not 80

Ok, so why not make it his laundry that doesn't get hung? Can you arrange it so that if he leaves it, he has nothing to wear? Then just leave it. When he notices, shrug.

I married one of these men too OP. It was bad enough doing everything but then as a poster up thread said tell them what needs doing, you get to a point where you can’t tell anymore, all you’re thinking is this person is a grown ass adult who would happily live in squalor than do what needs to be done. Are they that stupid that they can’t see? Respect for them eventually goes out the window, resentment and anger builds and builds and as someone else upthread says your fanny shrivels up and dies.

I once watched my ex spend 40 mins trying to figure out how to clean out the vacuum cleaner. How can anyone want to shag that eh?!

I don’t know what the answer is tbh. If the resentment is there, I think no cleaner, no miraculous “changed” DH is going to be the answer. It may be too late.

I wish you well OP xx

Because @notimpossible, I would lose all self respect if I became that petty.

If it got to the point that I really wasn't willing to cook or wash for him, I would rather propose that he moves out for a trial. It would achieve the same end.

He does all the ironing btw. But all the ironing is an hour or so a week, mostly his own shirts.

I’m watching in despair my lovely lovely niece in this situation with her partner.
She talks of “when we get married” and “once we have kids” planning and excited but she lives with a fucking eejit who demands total silence on a Saturday so he can lie in until 2pm because he (like her) has been at work for 37 hours that week, 9-4pm wfh..
She does absolutely everything.
He did once have a go at mowing the lawn but his hay fever was triggered so he has never done it since.
He. Does. Fuck. All..
I want to scream at her, throw him out, don’t end up like me, don’t waste you time, effort, life with that.

I don't see how not doing another adult's washing is petty. When I lived with my ex, it never occurred to me to even start doing his washing. He was his own person, he had his own shit to sort. The only chore we ever shared was cooking because it's social to cook and eat together.

I really truly don't understand how women take on their partner's chores when they move in together.

Could you give the responsibility for all the laundry from A-Z.

And all the meal planning and shopping and cooking.

I think the only way to shift the balance is to give over whole largish areas.

It doesn't sound that petty for him to see that there's a consequence when he chooses not to do things. If he doesn't wash clothes, he doesn't have clean clothes. You doing it for him just shows that the magic house fairy will pick up the slack.

Oh @vampiricouncil Tell your niece to run, run and don't look back. Imagine having to coach your kids "Shhh, Shhh, darling, daddy is very tired he needs us to be quiet for him". Awful.

I liked doing everything for my DH before we had kids. Now of course I realise he was the child I didn't yet have. I would have made a great mum at 20, instead I spent ten years in a career I only half liked and mothering him.

I’m amazed some of you find men who will do any housework at all without nagging or if you are ill. The only one I found and lived with for a few years actually had OCD the other way and couldn’t stand any mess whatsoever. I’ve found that most men with FT jobs seem to expect to do bugger all but their job, even if you work too— I hope todays younger men are more up to the task

In a similar boat OP and ten years down the line from you. I was a SAHM (not through choice) because my freelance career stalled when we had kids. I now work maybe 10 hours a week (zero hours contract, academic) earning fuck all whilst DH works 50+ and gets a six figure sum. It's depressing that I fell into such a well worn trap.
Just a couple of things I've learned:
Leave whole areas to your partner (as mentioned by a previous poster): mine does all the kids' ironing as well as his own, sorts their packed lunches, empties the dishwasher and cooks at weekends. He also does the gardening and deals with the kids at bed time. He also does at least 50% of the childcare at weekends (mostly, its more).
I do literally everything else...and like you, I resent it. I think the thing that grinds is that he doesn't really see it. There's always been food in the fridge, kids taken to and fro from various activities and a well organised life that we all enjoy. No wonder he takes it for granted. That said, there is an upside - after 14 years of doing all the financial planning, all our savings and investments, with the exception of his work pension, are in my sole name. If I ever do decide to leave, the divorce process will be 100% easier as a result
The other thing (small beans, but I notice that it crops up A LOT on here) is that he's 100% responsible for any card/gift buying / arrangement making for his side of the family. I simply don't get involved and don't care.

You have to be bold and drop the rope a bit. As someone upthread said, just get out of the house more and you won't notice the chaos. Good luck!

I feel so miserable just reading your posts. I’m 58 and both my ex DH and current DH did their share of chores, didn’t even occur to me to “mummy “ them. I was brought up by a awesome single mum and my brother, sister and I were expected to be involved in the chores. This was passed down to my kids and they in turn have partners who are 50/50 with the domestic chores.

If your daughter is noticing the disparity in your domestic roles I would suggest this is your main motivation for change.

Do you respect this man, I would find it hard to.

@ElfinsMum

Because *@notimpossible*, I would lose all self respect if I became that petty.

If it got to the point that I really wasn't willing to cook or wash for him, I would rather propose that he moves out for a trial. It would achieve the same end.

He does all the ironing btw. But all the ironing is an hour or so a week, mostly his own shirts.

But do you think hes petty for not cooking or washing for you. Come on Op. This man has done a real number on you.

These threads are common, but also mind-numbing, I can nearly guarantee that even if he picks up some more chores, you'll nitpick.
Then you'll argue about how the chores are done. Making him move out won't make a blind bit of difference he'll just manage in his own manner, which will differ from your own.

Someone mentioned present wrapping above, we've had a conversation this week about Xmas. I've mentioned if she wants presents, a tree, etc because it's important to her then she has to deal with it, her family is coming, she has to deal with the logistics, I'll cook.

Other than that we've split chores relatively equally, even the bills are handled half and half. We probably need to open a joint account and pay the bills that way. The children are mine, so I handle all child-rearing duties when they are here.

My own views on this are if a person has an expectation of 'How' and when the task should be done then this should be communicated. If the other re 'You', wants it done in a specific timescale or manner then the person wishing this should do it themselves.

The Mrs has an old Labrador, I hate the mess this dog makes so she must handle it. I like to have the lounge, showroom standard at least once a day, so I do it.

@ElfinsMum

I assume it was "funds" for counseling *@Animood*... although guns is about where it's at 🤣

Haha soz it was v early! 🤦‍♀️

I stopped doing his family’s cards and presents. It’s one of the tasks that I didn’t want to do, and it some how became my job when we married, so I gave it back to him.

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I think our situations are probably quite different though. If your partner has her own dog and you have kids from a previous relationship, I am guessing you moved in together as mid life adults.

As I mentioned in my OP, I think our problems stem from the early days of our relationship when, as very young adults with no previous experience of living with a romantic partner, we fell into an old fashioned, highly gendered pattern that we had both gown up with at home.

If I were moving in with a new partner now, I would do things very differently of course. Actually, I'm not sure if I would even choose to live with a partner again.

I don’t know how you can overcome the resentment. I know I couldn’t and just asking him to move out would be the only answer. I did move in with a very spoilt young man as my new husband but never ever enjoyed doing things for him, raged at him, and never ever gave up pushing for equality, which we are about at now. If we weren’t I couldn’t possibly still be here, and I wouldn’t have had the dc3 we are expecting. I think you should stop trying to fix it and ask him to move out, say you’ll consider counseling but you don’t want him back until it’s apparent he genuinely recognises you’re not a lesser person, an unpaid housekeeper, snd plans to pull his weight. You’ll believe it when your children go over there and get a healthy cooked meal, bath, clean teeth and bed, and come home in clean clothes.