Resentment is eating up my marriage. How do I/we get out of this toxic whirlpool?

[ElfinsMum]

DH and I have lived together twenty years, over ten of those married. We have three kids, 10 yo-baby.

When we first met, I was young and I thought our families were very different. I was from the south and posh (posh enough that we weren't allowed to use the word "posh" because it was common 🤦‍♀️). He was from (a very poor part of) the North East and lower middle.

However, with years of hindsight, our family dynamics were actually much more similar than it seemed on the surface. And one area they were very similar was that mum owns and runs the domestic sphere, at most Dad helps out.

As soon as we moved in together, when I was still young enough to find playing house fun, this played out in our relationship/marriage. Ten years and three kids in, my resentment levels have finally reached toxic: I don't think I can carry on doing 90% of the laundry, shopping and cooking, 50% of the cleaning and close to 100% of the family mental load just because I have a fanny. You won't be surprised to hear that I also do probably 70-80% of the child rearing because obviously I have the boobs too.

DH would argue that he does some chores - more than his dad ever did certainly - and helps me when I ask for it. But this is also enraging. There are whole aspects of domestic work my super intelligent DH still has no idea how to do: when I was being wheeled to the ambulance bleeding heavily at 34 weeks pregnant with my now toddler, he said "Do I have to clean the toilet now?" to which I replied dripping with scorn "Would you like me to just jump down from this trolley and scrub it for you?". Most enraging of all is that whenever he does chores, especially if he does them unprompted, instead of being pleased I feel like a failure.

I want these learned gender stereotypes to just fuck off. Failing that, I want to find a way to either accept the "female" work without the toxic resentment or redistribute it more evenly without feeling like I've failed as a wife and mother. How have others squared this circle? Practically but more so emotionally. Is it possible to recover and be a happy couple again?

@ElfinsMum

We could have an annual planning day How sexy 🤣

It's nothing to do with "sexy", OP. This is a practical method in how your household runs, to the benefit of everyone, which is not solely down to you. 🌹

@ElfinsMum I'm interested to know why you brought up the places you both come from, just because it is the opposite way round for me - I'm from a North East working class council house background, and dh is from the south from a 'posh' family. I'm convinced we were doomed from the start because of the North South divide. I just think we don't connect or really understand each other, and our marriage is almost at an end now (from my perspective anyway). I just wondered if you find this in your relationship. Slightly diverging from the topic, but interesting!

@ElfinsMum

Because *@notimpossible*, I would lose all self respect if I became that petty.

If it got to the point that I really wasn't willing to cook or wash for him, I would rather propose that he moves out for a trial. It would achieve the same end.

He does all the ironing btw. But all the ironing is an hour or so a week, mostly his own shirts.

@ElfinsMum It's not about being petty, it's about leaving it so he naturally gets reminded of what he's supposed to do because if he doesn't do it, there's actually consequences for him!

If you didn't exist, do you seriously think he will start leaving his house naked when clean clothes run out or go hungry??? If he was living alone, of course he will do all these things for himself, plus more.

Their dad moving out for a trial period is going to be far more upsetting for your kids than him being left to take care of his own mess.

@RandomMess

Honestly what you do is delegate entire tasks to him and leave him to sink then swim.

I suggest food:
Meal planning
Shopping/ordering
Putting away
Cooking.

You no longer do any of it.

It will be painful but he will get there.

This.

He will step up OP but only if you take it seriously and stop bailing him out.

As I mentioned in my OP, I think our problems stem from the early days of our relationship when, as very young adults with no previous experience of living with a romantic partner, we fell into an old fashioned, highly gendered pattern that we had both gown up with at home.

@ElfinsMum I had a very similar experience to you. The resentment grew before we had a family, though, and then became unbearable afterwards as he was perfectly content to see me running myself ragged whilst he sat on is @rse watching sport. People will tell you to draw up rotas and make him set alarms on his phone. The problem is, this will only work if he wants to change. And frankly, why would he want to? It must be wonderful to have someone doing all the grunt work for you. They know what they are doing, of course. My XH held down a highly technical, professional job but couldn't remember to take the laundry out of the machine and hang it up

I'm so much happier, calmer and less angry without him.

So what are you going to do OP?

You’ve got loads of sound advice, anecdotal and next steps.

Do you even want to get rid off that resentment?

there are chunks of life skills he has just never mastered, e.g. how to cook beyond four or five v basic snack type meals. He doesn't feel good about that either tbh.

@ElfinsMum As I'm sure you know, if he was that bothered he could easily learn that, there are loads of recipes online.

Spag bol I somehow knew without being taught it.
Chilli is another easy one.

Curries etc (maybe using Curry Powder so he doesn't have to mix several spices.)
Stew

Or the more elaborate:-
Shepherd's pie using Aunt Bessie's mash. This makes it a meal you can do regularly as there isn't the peeling etc.

I don't follow the BBC recipes as they tend to be more elaborate.

I google whatever I fancy making+ easy i.e. easy coq au vin was my latest one. That was surprisingly easy.

I'm not an accomplished cook at all, I had to learn most of it.

If it’s affordable, get a cleaner.

Book yourself regular weekends away with your friends (I do 3 a year min). I come back to the house looking like a bomb has hit it but it’s worth it for the break.

I’m not sure how your finances work but I discreetly ‘reward’ myself each month in recognition of the additional weight I pull to keep our house and kids ticking over. Little treats here and there. We both work full time in stressful jobs and we’ve already separated in the past, largely because I felt ‘unseen’.

Make sure your remain in the jobs market if it’s do-able, just to give yourself a break from home life to save your sanity. But also for your independence.

Also I run regularly. It’s free, it’s gets me out in nature and it helps to maintain my mental well-being.

Still very much a man’s world hey 😏

@OhPeeQueue I'm going to hold a family meeting and reallocate the tasks to work better for me and my (out of home) work. I'll add in cleaner to the resource list so we can assess how much difference that would make. The objective will be to get to a planned split I can live with.

I do a lot of facilitation at work so this sounds like a safe way to depersonalise the discussion.

I have worked as a cleaner and a lot of people who do it would also be happy to do some batch cooking at some point (they can do it at home and bring the stuff in.)

Sounds good, and I like the split being based on what works for you. Good luck, hopefully he’ll learn, but you may be having several cycles of this discussion. Be firm. Don’t touch the tasks he’s given.

Don't skimp on the cleaner - eg half an hour hoovering, ironing, cleaning windows that don't normally get done .
get 2-3 hours , maybe include changing beds, folding clothes ready to put away, all the really tedious stuff - dont raise your standards because you have a cleaner what you want is you doing as little as possible !!

Ensure you delegate the mental load that goes with the task.

Honestly giving up food/meals/shopping was so liberating even though DH had to learn to cook.

@19bears I was quite surprised that I put that in my OP too tbh! And I am also surprised it took til page 5 for a northerner to question it 🤣

The reason it felt relevant is that when we first met the fact he was from somewhere very different that I had never even seen made it feel like I was choosing someone very different from my family. Like I consciously tried to avoid repeating the mistakes of my parents' marriage by picking someone who couldn't have been more different to my dad.

Do I think it's a North/South thing? No not really. We met in Scotland and we haven't ever lived in England as a couple which took the sting out of that issue. Was a deliberate choice to stay in Scotland to avoid forcing him to live in the South in my "home" at the start.

Yes I see what you mean, choosing someone who is so different from everything you know. When I met dh I had only recently broken up with another southerner, and was determined to go for a geordie / mackem this time round, and ended up with someone from the south coast whose background was so different from mine. His family are very 'posh' whereas mine have struggled with jobs and illness and benefits. His mum tells me all about her jazz club and her bridge club, and says my mam should try joining something like that. As if there's anything like that round my way!!! He still doesn't understand what I'm saying sometimes, our accents are so different. Mind you, the rest of his family are lovely and I get on so well with them. It's just him

I'm from NE and DH from SE and both our fathers did not much at all around the house.

I just refuse to be like my Mum 🤷🏽‍♀️

He was willing to learn how to do stuff and with 4 young DC and working locally not doing his share just wasn't an option.

I just refuse to be like my Mum

Exactly. Although my dad did a lot around the house. We had no GPs or other family to help so it fell on my parents to do everything, a lot like me and dh. Even then, my mum would always be doing something and then complain no one helped her if we helped and it was not done to her standards. I feel she neglected her health and died because she didn’t ever focus on herself.

I’m unashamedly selfish at times. I need to be healthy so I can live and only die once my kids are sick of me!

@Version4needsabitofwork the career trajectory (and even sector) of you and your H is exactly the same as mine. Fell into such a well worn trap is exactly the way it feels. Just wanted to say hello and snap

Was just reading a media article that said women in heterosexual couples with dependent children do 48 hours per week of unpaid labour (housework, childcare and other stuff) per week on average, versus men doing 27.

I read those stats out to my husband. He was dumfounded: "How the hell do they find 48 hours worth of housework per week? That's more than a full time job!" I kept things light but I did gently demonstrate that I clock that up in my four days "off", before you consider anything I do on my work days. Conclusion: he acknowledged he doesn't really do much if those averages are accurate.

Thank you Mumsnet. Thanks to this thread, that conversation felt less like rubbing salt in the wound and more like an opportunity.

In my house the man is nowhere near 27 hours. I'm not sure he even reaches double figures. I get up at 7 with the kids, and am either with them, looking after the house, or at work until midnight every night on a weekday. We'll have a lie in on a weekend, but the rest of the day is busier than a weekday. So in total I reckon I do at least 70 hours unpaid. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet or slag off dh here, it's just the truth. It would be a good idea to have this conversation in my house, if it wasn't for the fact that I don't want him to change, I want him to leave...

@19Bears

I don't want him to change, I want him to leave...

I hope you make that an early New Year's resolution. Onwards and upwards!! 🌹

My husband has no choice but to pitch in as otherwise he’d have no shirts to wear as I don’t do ironing. He complained about the state of our fridge so I stuck a cleaning rota on it for him and I!! It’s a case of respect and setting boundaries early in in your relationship. I’ve also delegated to my son as he was growing up so they he knows that relationships are a partnership. I hope you resolve this situation but you might need some serious negotiation and ultimatum!!