Resentment is eating up my marriage. How do I/we get out of this toxic whirlpool?

[ElfinsMum]

DH and I have lived together twenty years, over ten of those married. We have three kids, 10 yo-baby.

When we first met, I was young and I thought our families were very different. I was from the south and posh (posh enough that we weren't allowed to use the word "posh" because it was common 🤦‍♀️). He was from (a very poor part of) the North East and lower middle.

However, with years of hindsight, our family dynamics were actually much more similar than it seemed on the surface. And one area they were very similar was that mum owns and runs the domestic sphere, at most Dad helps out.

As soon as we moved in together, when I was still young enough to find playing house fun, this played out in our relationship/marriage. Ten years and three kids in, my resentment levels have finally reached toxic: I don't think I can carry on doing 90% of the laundry, shopping and cooking, 50% of the cleaning and close to 100% of the family mental load just because I have a fanny. You won't be surprised to hear that I also do probably 70-80% of the child rearing because obviously I have the boobs too.

DH would argue that he does some chores - more than his dad ever did certainly - and helps me when I ask for it. But this is also enraging. There are whole aspects of domestic work my super intelligent DH still has no idea how to do: when I was being wheeled to the ambulance bleeding heavily at 34 weeks pregnant with my now toddler, he said "Do I have to clean the toilet now?" to which I replied dripping with scorn "Would you like me to just jump down from this trolley and scrub it for you?". Most enraging of all is that whenever he does chores, especially if he does them unprompted, instead of being pleased I feel like a failure.

I want these learned gender stereotypes to just fuck off. Failing that, I want to find a way to either accept the "female" work without the toxic resentment or redistribute it more evenly without feeling like I've failed as a wife and mother. How have others squared this circle? Practically but more so emotionally. Is it possible to recover and be a happy couple again?

Quite honestly this is why I'm resolutely single at 60, I'm sick of every single man I go out with expecting me to be a scullery maid and the older I get the less interested I am in doing it.
Having a penis does not mean you are unable to operate a washing machine or iron.
I just haven't got the patience for this shit any more.

My Grandmother was recently complaining about my Grandfather doing “nothing” around the house. I let her vent, and then quietly pointed out that in the 60 years they’d been married, he’d never so much as had to make himself a sandwich before, because she had always done everything, and enjoyed doing it.

However, now they’re both late 70s, she is still doing 100% of the household chores and she is struggling, but because he’s not had to, he doesn’t. And he wouldn’t know where to start, or do it to her standards.

I’m single, so I don’t have these issues However, you can’t be expected to shoulder most of the burns when you’ve now got 3DC. That’s 3 extra people to think for.

My own views on this are if a person has an expectation of 'How' and when the task should be done then this should be communicated. If the other re 'You', wants it done in a specific timescale or manner then the person wishing this should do it themselves.

Stbxh would agree with you. I'm always curious when people post this whole, if you want it done your way do it yourself type comments, where it ends. Am I 'allowed' to expect basic hygiene? Stbxh puts dirty dishes and cutlery away from the dishwasher into the cupboard. It's 'petty" of me to expect dishes in the cupboard not to be crusted with food. I just stick them back into the dirty pile now and have told DC to do the same. But I often have to wash pots and pans before cooking because there's food still crusted on them.

@ToughTittyWhompus

My Grandmother was recently complaining about my Grandfather doing “nothing” around the house. I let her vent, and then quietly pointed out that in the 60 years they’d been married, he’d never so much as had to make himself a sandwich before, because she had always done everything, and enjoyed doing it.

However, now they’re both late 70s, she is still doing 100% of the household chores and she is struggling, but because he’s not had to, he doesn’t. And he wouldn’t know where to start, or do it to her standards.

I’m single, so I don’t have these issues However, you can’t be expected to shoulder most of the burns when you’ve now got 3DC. That’s 3 extra people to think for.

Reminds me of mil, waiting hand and foot on them all, one day I popped over for something and she had had to go out unexpectedly and left some dishes in the sink which she would never do. I had literally walked in and fil said to me, there are dishes in the sink to be washed. I laughed at him

Honestly what you do is delegate entire tasks to him and leave him to sink then swim.

I suggest food:
Meal planning
Shopping/ordering
Putting away
Cooking.

You no longer do any of it.

It will be painful but he will get there.

You're sort of massively self sabotaging here, no? Not picking up all the slack is not "petty". Not doing everything uncomplainingly and working to boot is not "failing as a wife and mother". If you really want to sort your marriage out and get out of these gender roles, you'll have to get them out of your own head first, or it'll never stick.

@Vampiricouncil I like the idea of an annual review. I have been pushing to formally agree medium term larger spends for a while. E.g. should we be saving for new car ahead of new shower room ahead of additional bedroom....? We could have an annual planning day How sexy 🤣

@stalkersaga Exactly, I know that it's in large part self sabotaging, that's why it's so damn frustrating.

But it's so hard when your model was a SAHM who justified giving up her own professional career by doing all of the grind for my dad, so that he could do 14 hour days at work. She had to make it bigger than Ben Hur to justify what she had given up.

I hear you OP
My other half says it's not all down to me and that he'll do xyz etc but it always does fall to me. I've given up getting stressed about it. I ask him to do the jobs I want him to do and I sort the rest. It's easier for ME that way

Oh and I've lowered my standards too!! When he does the jobs I've asked they aren't to the standard I'd do them but at least they are done

I have a similar husband. Have to find tasks for him to do that if not done directly inconvenience him .
First task was making him responsible for his own laundry. I got him his own laundry basket and designated one day of the week as his laundry day when the machines were nottobe used by anyone else. I had to let him run out of clean clothes a few times before he started doing off his own bat.
Next step was towels, he likes clean towels, so made that his.
And so on.
The key was stepping back and letting him fail, and not picking up the pieces, which he did try.

OP,

Your life sounds really miserable and I suspect it will continue that way.

You chose a selfish, lazy man who cares little genuinely for you or your children.

He is happy for you to run yourself into the ground like a skivvy.

You have been happy to do it for years so why would he want this to change now?

What way were you reared that you were so anxious to be house skivvy?

If you really wanted to change the dynamic you would have ceased doing anything that benefitted him like laundry or food.

You would feed the children only and leave him to sort himself out.

You wouldn't include him in any food shop.

He's a shit husband and a shit father.

For all his laziness he isn't even the higher earner, so could pay for a cleaner twice a week.

He's a waster OP.

Good luck spending the rest of your life with someone who has such little regard for you.

You deserve better than a selfish, lazy waster, and so do your children.

Oh I feel your pain. I never signed up for the domestic life, I have always worked full time and expected the other person to pitch in or it just will not get done!

I have a toddler and now only work 2 evenings a week, my partner is the main earner. I am (unspoken but implied) expected to keep the house and cook the majority of the time because of this. My issue is, I only ever gave up working full time in the first place because I had another child and wanted to spend time with him. I waited years to be in a position when I could do this. I go out daily, deal with all house admin (absolutely fine with this) and tidy up as I go.

I can see the logic behind my husband saying more of the housework should fall on my shoulders but actually, I don’t agree. He now works from home in a job he loves which is very laid back, he has a lot of free time during the day and gets up at 10am.
I, on the other hand, get up early, sort breakfasts, do the school run, come back and entertain a toddler before going out and doing some sort of activity, do the next school run ect (all normal I know). I really think it is unfair for him to sit on his arse all bloody day and then expect to be ‘looked after’ whilst I haven’t stopped all day. I have said that we need to get a cleaner for a few hours a week because I just can’t get into the whole domestic goddess role, DH is unhappy about this. It causes me so much resentment as he is also incredibly messy.

I do feel a lot of guilt that I am not ‘the perfect wife and mother’ but I never have been this person and find it completely infuriating that I have just been pushed into this role just because I have a child.

Anyway, I am getting a cleaner to come and help for a few hours a week in the new year because I’m paying myself and I refuse to forced into this life style.

[quote ElfinsMum]@stalkersaga Exactly, I know that it's in large part self sabotaging, that's why it's so damn frustrating.

But it's so hard when your model was a SAHM who justified giving up her own professional career by doing all of the grind for my dad, so that he could do 14 hour days at work. She had to make it bigger than Ben Hur to justify what she had given up.[/quote]
Ah so that’s your issue!

You despised your own mother for complaining about doing all the housework / wifework / childcare. Perhaps you thought her job was easy / worthless and someone as clever and competent as you could do it in a few hours a week. She was just a drama Queen for complaining etc .

But now it’s your job, you have discovered how much work it it and you are exhausted and resentful. But you can’t bring yourself to act on any of the very helpful suggestions here, because

1. Not doing all the chores it would be “ petty “ when the work is easy and quick
2. Leaving him over such a “ trivial issue “ would be petty
3. Getting a cleaner is pointless when the work is quick and easy

So you are totally stuck. Until you are able to admit too yourself that (a) it’s work, ( b) it has value and (c) it’s not all your responsibility.

@updownroundandround

I'd honestly like every woman who is at the beginning of her 'partnership' to read this, because there's SO many women who post on MN about

''How can I make my H/Partner to take on 50% of the chores/childcare/mental load ?''

Every single bloody DAY these threads pop up ! It's actually monotonous ffs !

And the almost always say ''Don't tell me to LTB, because I'm not about to end my marriage over this'' !!!!

And every time posters will say ''It gets SO much worse the longer you put up with it. The resentment only grows !''

This. 100000000000000000000% this. I'm reading these (multiple) threads over my lunch break as therapy because I swear to god I'm at breaking point.

[quote ElfinsMum]@stalkersaga Exactly, I know that it's in large part self sabotaging, that's why it's so damn frustrating.

But it's so hard when your model was a SAHM who justified giving up her own professional career by doing all of the grind for my dad, so that he could do 14 hour days at work. She had to make it bigger than Ben Hur to justify what she had given up.[/quote]
How can you fix your own head on this first, then? Because until you do that, even if he did step up you'd undermine him and you'd end up back at square one!

Can you get your own counselling?

The thing I keep running through my head with this problem, that clearly a huge proportion of women deal with, is it's all well and good to just withdraw your labour but what about your DCs? They involve a lot of work for a reason! Even if you stop doing his laundry, etc etc transferring those jobs to him once he realises his pants don't magically wash, dry and fold themselves, the vast majority of the work is actually tied up in the children and you can't just leave that with any conscience. "Sorry sweetie, you're going to have to take your bath in the crusty tub with all the hairs floating in it because Daddy needs to learn a lesson and Mummy needs her me-time". Joking aside, you can't just withdraw from the work required to meet their needs for healthy food, interaction and stimulation, and if your child has any SN then god help you. You can't just go on strike and have blameless children bear the brunt of it, hoping your other half might finally twig that there's a lot of work involved.

They truly have us over a barrel, which is why they get away with it so much. I'm beginning to think the only solution is to leave. Cut out the extra work and energy-sapping frustration where you can and shorten your to-do list.

I think is why a lot do leave!!

You give them a chance and delegate them the obvious things like food and whining kids remind them that they need to eat!

When DH worked away from home he had a cleaner, bought ready meals from the supermarket and dropped shirts at the laundry - he did all the rest ie put his jeans and underwear in the washing machine then the drier then on the spare bed.

@double3xposure There is definitely some truth in your post. A counsellor said something similar to me once, although she went on to say that in addition, since I had rejected my maternal model, I had adopted my paternal role model: I only work eleven hour days and I keep taking mat leaves so I haven't quite made partner yet but I'm still working on it 😉

However, I don't agree that your three options are my only choices and I value childcare highly enough to pay for a nanny even though we aren't huge earners.

OP - venting about it all is helpful in the short term. But you still need to figure out a solution that would make your life more bearable.
You can, of course, divorce. And immediate resentment will subside.
However, your actual workload would increase. You H will likely only be having the kids EOW and in addition to everything you are already doing, you’ll need to be managing logistics of your kids pin between two houses.

So - not sure that is really going to be a big help now that your kids are still small and living with you.

The only practical way of changing it all is to shake it all up and tell H you are at the brink. And hopefully he’ll hear you.
However - I don’t think he can change over night. And you’ll need to manage him - remind him of his share and chores.
And I agree with the posters above saying that your kids also need to take some chores on.
But - and here us where you need to find a way to manage your resentment - I think you will still be in the focal point.
Change can only be gradual. And you’ll still have to be the ‘Manager’.

And I value childcare enough to take just short of 5 years of mat leave across my 3 kids. I actually enjoy being a SAHM for a defined period with a career to return to. Amongst other things, I have read research (in Annabel Crabb's excellent "The Wife Drought" I think) that shows that the couples with the most even split of responsibilities are WOHD/SAHM... basically because working women's second shift equates to a man's whole job on average

@MMmomDD Nail on head: no, he isn't going to change overnight; there are chunks of life skills he has just never mastered, e.g. how to cook beyond four or five v basic snack type meals. He doesn't feel good about that either tbh.

The kids do age appropriate chores.

@scratchybaby I am beginning to think that early peoples where the men and women mostly lived separately and the mums, grandmas and aunties raised the children together had the right idea ☺️

@ElfinsMum absolutely.

I've been googling "mommunes" a lot lately. Imagine living with someone who understands the work involved in raising a kid, knows what's required and just gets stuck in, using their own powers of observation and their own initiative, without needing you to give them a step-by-step explanation of how and why something needs to occur. The idea of a bunch of single mums living together and all helping each other out sounds like a utopia. I'm sure it doesn't always work out so idyllically, but it's nice to contemplate.