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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he taking the p*** now?

115 replies

Layla17 · 17/12/2007 11:29

I started a thread a few monthe ago when my dp and father of my 2 young dd's told me he wanted to leave. You were all a great help to me. In the end he did not leave and we have been trying to sort thngs out. We have been to Relate and we are getting on really well. He is working away this week and last night i spoke to him about the fact that we are not having sex at the moment. He said he was still not sure about us and that he didn't want sex to confuse things. He said he still cannot give me any guarantees. I was working on the basis that things were going well and we were gettng back on track and now I feel as if all my hopes have been shattered. Worse stll, he is going to his works party on Friday and the OW is gong to be there and I am worried what may happen if alcohol is thrown into the mix.
Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
sprogger · 17/12/2007 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 11:51

i told him that I am worried about the party and he has said that there is nothing to worry about. i don't want to stop him going.
The problem in our relationship boils down to him being a flirt and losing control when he gets drunk. He has never been unfaithful but has come close. When we had the dc's he said he had changed but this summer he met the OW and a bond grew between them. Nothing has happened but it has apparently made him wonder whether we are right for each other if he is looking at others. He says that is why we are not having sex - he needs to make decisions without that being involved!! I am not convinced.
I feel so frustraed today that i feel like phoning him and telling him not to come home after his trip and to phone his family and tell them xmas dinner is cancelled but then my dc's would sffer. I am just angry that I am letting him get away with treating me like this and keeping everything together until he decides what he wants!

OP posts:
mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 11:58

Ive just read you thread and i do think he is trying, but i also feel like he wants his cake and eat it etc (sorry if im totally wrong)

I wouldnt be happy either if i was in your shoes.

I really dont have any advice, but i do know my DD is facing christmas without her daddy around as we split 3 weeks ago now, and he also missed her 3rd birthday, so please dont worry about your dcs as they will be ok if he isnt around.

So sorry i havent got anything more to add, i just hope you go with what you feel is right, not whats right for your dcs as this will only make you misrable in the long run.
Hugs for you x

Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 12:05

MOAP - sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I am sure your will have a lovely xmas without him. It must be really hard. Did your h/p try to make it work before leaving.

Is this a common thing for men with young children to think the grass is greener? It is the hardest time of your lives and they think it is their right to decide whether to go or not. It makes me so mad.

OP posts:
sprogger · 17/12/2007 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 12:35

layla17 no he didnt want to try at all i found the txt off the OW i begged him to stay and work it of for me DD and my bump and he said no and just walked out the door and he hasnt looked back.

Please have a long hard think about whats best for you, as you can`t go on much longer making yourself all upset like this.

So sorry i`m not much help x

Wisteria · 17/12/2007 12:41

layla, think you are amazing for putting up with him at all to be honest - he sounds like a tosser who doesn't deserve your understanding or tolerance.

If this were me (which it is not, so this is purely my 2p worth) I would not be able to cope with OW's presence at all whilst there were still issues in the bedroom IYSWIM, and if he is genuinely trying to make it work with you then he shouldn't be going anywhere near her, surely.....?

Is there any chance that there is still something going on with the OW? Seems weird to withhold sex from you if he is trying to make things better and work it out - I would be a bit .

I think you are incredible

Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 16:22

I don't think there is anything going on - I have been checking his phone and he does not really have time to see her. we are living our normal lives except for the sex thing. We have friends round and we get on well. We are making plans well into next year and doing work on the house and all was going well.
How would I know if he was still seeing her? It is really difficult.
I don;'t think he would be that stupid but then I don't realy know him that well any more even though we have been together 9 years. I have told him to leave on a number of occasions so he has had oportunity and he said that last night - he said if he had wanted to go he would have gone. i even left once and he begged me to come back.
Do you think I am being naive?
the sex thing is the hardest. When i think about it too much I start imagining that he is planning to run away with OW and is buying time with me but then he is niot clever enough to do that. What a mess!

OP posts:
Wisteria · 17/12/2007 16:44

I don't think you are being naive - I am naturally paranoid suspicious!

You know your dh best and am sure that your natural instincts are right but would it be worth doing the relate thing anyway??

HappyWoman · 17/12/2007 17:36

I remeber your previous thread. I am sorry to say that i would be concerned if i were you. I had the line 'well if i wanted to leave i would wouldnt i?' too and he still did (but came begging back later).

It seems to me that he is doing the right thing but he knows you wont be able to carry on like this for too much longer so is still being a coward and wanting you to make the decision iyswim.

How about now changing the control around and say that you are not so sure now and see if it really upsets him?
Try and start making a life for you now - if he wants to be part of it then good if not then it will be his loss.

I know i would not be happy about the party if she is there and he should really be more understanding of your feelings now if he wants to make it work.
Ask yourself if he asked you not to do something how would you be about it?

But you are doing really well.

Wisteria · 17/12/2007 18:10

What Happy Woman said!

Ispy · 17/12/2007 18:11

Hi Layla. I've followed your story and I think you are a very brave woman after all you've been through.

Something I've wanted to ask you throughout all of this is are you afraid that if you were to give him an absolute ultimatum that he would take the easy way out and just walk?

He's been playing games with you for far too long and I think he needs some serious shock treatment at this point. Either that or he admits that he has some serious psychological problem/s which he should seek treatment for. Nothing you've said about the situation warrants the way he's been treating YOU in all of this.

Like other posters I would not be co-operating re party/OW being there.

CoteDAzur · 17/12/2007 18:38

moap

CoteDAzur · 17/12/2007 18:41

Hi Layla. Sorry for what you are going through. How old is your dp? Just wondering because I thought the '17' in your name might be your age.

Personally, I would go to this xmas party with him, and stake my claim to my dp in front of the ow.

Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 20:09

We are both 33. DD's are 2 and 1 and are very hard work at the moment so I know he is struggling with that as well.
HW - about a month ago I told him that i wanted to leave (with my girls) and he persuaded me to stay. I then physically did leave and he was desperate to get me back. i went back reluctanty and the dynamics definitely changed and I thought things were looking better.
i suppose I was upset about the party last night - nothing else has given me any suspicions. I confronted him and he said all those things about sex not confusing matters and how he needs to sort himself out re. his issues with the girls and the new house we have bought before we can concentrate on us. I have been fine for the last few weeks/month and then today I am tearful again and thinking about leaving.
Should i give him an ultimatum about the party? His view is that I can trust him so there is no issue. the OW apparently means nothing to him.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 17/12/2007 20:16

Can't someone babysit the kids while you accompany DH to the party? "Sure I trust you, but I'd like to have some fun too, if you don't mind" would be my line.

Not only is it very effective to appear in front of OW as a couple, but it will be good for your DH to see you all made up, laughing, having a good time...

mummyofaprincess · 17/12/2007 20:17

layla17 i think i would give him an ultimatum as i wouldn`t be happy if my h had said that the OW was going to be at this party.

If he does go you will be on tender hooks all night thinking is he up to anything.

I hope you 2 can work this out, but i think he should spend that night with you not at this party where the OW is going to be.

Hope you don`t mind me saying this as i can tell your upset x

Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 20:19

It is a partners not invited do. It was the same last year so I know that is true, besides I am at a party that night as well so I wouldn't be going with him anyway. he would normally stay at some friends because we live out of town now but you can imagine what I will be thinking if he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 20:23

Ipsy - the Relate counsellor said she thought he was depressed so he has seen his doctor who thinks he is just very stressed! He has been referred to a counsellor.
He has a lot of issues about his childhood and he has said that he feels like he cannot cope with the children and feels as though he needs to escape sometimes. Don't we all - what a luxury!!!

OP posts:
madamez · 17/12/2007 20:25

While it's going to be difficult, what you most need to do is things that make you feel strong, good and happy, and that don't really involve him. At the moment you're just waiting for him to decide whether or not he feels like staying with you, which puts him in a position of power he doesn't really deserve, but unfortunately leaves you in the position of the person going 'oh pleeeeeease be nice to me, I'll do anything to keep you'. If you can behave as though it's not that big a deal to you if he stays, goes, sleeps with the OW or the entire Townswomen's Guild, then you are lessening his power over you. And something that is very helpful to remember is that if you can behave as though you feel a certain way (better, stronger, happier) you can start to feel that way for real.
Good luck.

macdoodle · 17/12/2007 20:27

My H made plenty of plans whilst seeing his OW including coming to look at new houses with me ....sorry not much help I know but men can be quite deceitful ...you need to lay down the law and fix the sex thing!

CoteDAzur · 17/12/2007 20:28

Agreed with madamez.

Remember "I am great and if you leave it's your loss" is much more attractive than "Please stay! Don't go to a party. Stay with me.".

Original poster
Layla17 · 17/12/2007 20:39

You are right and that is exactly what I have been doing and it has worked a treat but last night I felt the need to ask what he thought and it made me seem needy again. He didn't say what I wanted him to so now I am feeling down again. if I had just left things I would have been ok. It is as if I like to torture myself.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 18/12/2007 10:58

You are doing well but remember you deserve to feel safe in your relationship and at the moment for whatever reason he is not making you feel the way you want.

I would agree with mcd in that the making plans etc is no gaurentee there is nothing going on. My H was a complete ....... we were planning on moving and spent a small fortune with surveys, and he has even let us take the children to 'choose' their bedrooms and get all excited - whilst all the time planning his new life with the ow.

Men in these situations seem to be able to put different parts of their lives in 'boxes' and keep them very seperate - this could be what has happened with his past issues too and now it is getting hard to contain all these feelings seperately.
My h too had some childhood hangups and he is getting so much better at facing up to them now.

I think you may need a counsellor to help you though as you are not the right person for him to 'open up' to even though you are desperate for him to. This may be why the ow was there in the first place.
It certainly sounds as if he is having a think about his life.

All you can do is say you will be there for him but he does need to listen and understand that you cannot go on for much longer without sex and a true lasting commitment to the relationship.

Anyway good luck and dont doubt yourself - he sounds like a generally decenct bloke so if he is still 'messing' around and wanting you to make the break he will know how weak he really is and will have to carry that guilt too.

mummyofaprincess · 18/12/2007 11:07

layla17 i have to agree with happywoman and macdoodle.

My xp was going behind my back for months! I hadn`t got a clue untill i found a text on his phone, he had now admittedc to me it was going on before our holiday the time when we was trying for LO, we also made so mant plans, even the week we had found out we was planning DDs birthday party and also we was going to have xmas dinner at his moms, he also wanted to book a holiday for next year.

All this while he was meeting up and sleeping with the OW, he is with her now and he hasn looked back and he is happy oh well his loss with the dcs at the end of the day.

Do whats best for you