Is he taking the p*** now?

[Layla17]

I started a thread a few monthe ago when my dp and father of my 2 young dd's told me he wanted to leave. You were all a great help to me. In the end he did not leave and we have been trying to sort thngs out. We have been to Relate and we are getting on really well. He is working away this week and last night i spoke to him about the fact that we are not having sex at the moment. He said he was still not sure about us and that he didn't want sex to confuse things. He said he still cannot give me any guarantees. I was working on the basis that things were going well and we were gettng back on track and now I feel as if all my hopes have been shattered. Worse stll, he is going to his works party on Friday and the OW is gong to be there and I am worried what may happen if alcohol is thrown into the mix.
Has anyone got any advice?

ditto dejags last line - you need to make the choice - not him.

Ok but what if he says he wants things to work but cannot give me any guarantees? Is that enough? He went into the spare room last night and when we spoke this morning he said he said he wants to stay there for the time being. Should I give an ultumatum or wait and see?

layla im so and for you. I really cant give any better advice then the ladies above, but just wanted to show you my support.

I``m so sorry i`m no help x

I am so on your behalf Layla. He can't give you any guarantees, his arse he can't. He's biding his time until the solution presents itself - he's trying to avoid a nasty situation. Coward!

Only you know what you are happy to live with. If this was me, well I'd tell him to leave. I could not live with this level of disrespect.

I don't have the experience that the other posters do but I agree that it sounds as though he's got everything exactly as he wants while playing the "woe is me" card.

He wants a foot in both camps, so to speak. This way he gets you running around after him because you're so grateful that he's still there. He also gets to reassure OW that "I'm living with DW but I'm sleeping in the same room" and thereby giving her hope too.

I really think you have to take the power back and give him that ultimatum.

I suppose I am scared of what he might do if I give him an ultimatum but that says it all doesn't it! I know that if he stays and is able to get her out of his head then we can be happy. We have so much together but have lost focus on it. We have also been through so much stress in the last year what with our youngest dd having suspected brain damage at birth (she has now had the all clear)her ongoing kidney problems, our house move to a new area and all the problems with the new house which we have been doing a lot of work on and a family bereavement along with the every day strains of having a 3 year old and a one year old - I know it is no excuse for his behaviour but if I could have got out along the way I may have given it a seconds thought - but that would have been it. He is just weak and likes attention and she gave him that.
he definitely needs to start making an effort but I just need to get her out of his head.

tbh i'm shocked at his attitude. he doesn't seem to be repentant AT ALL for betraying your trust! he seems to think he can do exactly as he pleases - sort his poor little mind out, can't give you any guarantees... ffs he's treating you like dirt!

i'm totally affronted on your behalf.

you know, i'd be tempted to give him a wakeup call. he clearly thinks you'll hang around for him, he's got you wrapped around his little finger. i think you need to make him respect you and tell him what's what, is what i think.

sorry to sound so harsh, i'm flabbergasted really. and i agree with dejags, who has also been put through the wringer.

I would tell him that he is your partner not your lodger...

Spare room? He sounds a real piece of work and will continue to be whilst he calls all the shots.

The old 'I can't help my feeeeelings for her' is codswallop, too.

He might not be able to turn back time and not feel anything about her, but he can bloody well help himself when it comes to not texting, accepting texts, encouraging her in any way.

Oh, you know this, Layla17. You just also need to know that it's not going to change for wishing. He won't get her out of his head until she is out of his life.

You are worth so much more than this. You have children with the man. You deserve guarantees, quite frankly.

You are all right. i suppose it is a case of me thinking that he is going to go but not wanting to accept it so I will carry on as normal for as long as possible - which is not good in the long run, but I will be secretly hoping that he changes his mind.
I just don't think I can cope if he goes. I will not be able to hold it together for my children.

i have more of an issue with the fil tbh, picking and choosing who he wants on his holiday.

You will, Layla - you're stronger than he gives you credit for. He's relying on your fears so he can do what he wants. You're so much better than him, you're already coping.

sorry! posted on wrong thread

read most of the threads but I agree totally with custy and dejags - for the last year of my marriage I lived in situations 2 & 3. thought something was going with someone H worked with - knew he was talking to people on the internet. he would feed me some shitty story - ie it was his brother, he didn't know how the pics got there there was nothing with the other woman it was all in my head. I was paranoid, he was sick of my nagging - the list was endless - I knew something was wrong. gave him an ultimatim and he picked up for a few months then we 'coasted' not talking about anything and brushing it aside. he left in sept. for the first 5 weeks I went to my parents to stay - in 5 weeks the reflection was amazing - whilst like you I hated the thought of him with someone else, I was also able to see what he had done to me and how he'd manipulated me into being a shadow of my self. with a lot of hard work i'm finally back to me again (just about! lol)

and you know what thru it all - I should have left him this time last year - would have saved us both a lot of heart ache. You grieve but you will get thru it, your girls will keep you strong and going on. as the others said he fucked up he should be putting it right - you and the kids deserve someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve not give you half measures.

it's been a hard slog to get to this point but as I see it now- you ahve 1 life make of it what you will be it's important to know your own worth and don't settle for second best!

also being positive is easier being miserable and sad takes a lot more energy. take back the control.

Layla
Sorry so much has gone on - this is all so familar to me and i know exactly how you feel. Your whole world is shattered.
Are you scared that he will leave or that he will go to her? You want to win at whatever cost (i have been there so i should know). Your head is telling you that you will be better without him but your whole body is saying something else.

I think he really wants you to throw him out and it is up to you whether you now want to give him what he and she wants.

You can do this we are all here for you and if you want to cat me feel free to.

You know you cannot make him stay and deep down you do not want him on those terms anyway, but you must also realise that you can never go back to what you had you will have to now take back some of the control.

The ow has the advantage over you in that she knows he is lying (and beleive me he is having an affair - the same lines my h said to me). She can also afford to wait for him and be there to pander to his every need at the moment. This is not the real world and the second he realises this is when it will stop and end.

Would you consider contacting the ow to discuss it with her? (I did this but was fed a load of bull).

I think the advantage you have is that he will never be able to cut the ties to you and as long as you absolutely show him it is you he really wants and needs he may change his mind.

Your h is 'addicted' to her at the moment and he will find it so very difficult to have no contact but that really is the only way if things are to go forward for you two. For whatever reason he is not ready to give her up and he thinks that she may give him what he needs.

Oh i feel so very sorry and sad and angry for you there really is nothing much you can do except let it take its course.

You are a strong woman and you will cope and come out of this really shitty time with your dignity and courage in tact.
It is not easy but you are a fantstic person who is willing to forgive your h this - you are not a fool or a mug. And even if you are i would rather be a fool everyday of my life than the type of person your h and she is being at the moment.

Be stong and keep posting.

Just read DTM post and it is lovely to see there is some hope.

You will not see how far you have alreay come but believe me you are doing so very well already.

Keep a journal to help you through - when you look back and see how far you have come it is fantastic.

Remember he is but a weak man after all you are the strong one and will shine through all this in the end.

good to hear from you HW. I know you went through a similar thing. Did your dh lie to you about the affair? Did he give her up when you asked? Was he sure that he wanted you when you found out or did he dilly dally? Sorry for all the questions!

thanks HW - it's been tough but with a hell of a lot of support from fantastic family members and friends we're getting there - the last step now is to find a new job and move house in a few weeks. have a possible new man so it's all looking up.

The trouble is that no one can believe what he is doing becuase he is such a nice guy. I cannot imagine ever feeling like that DTM because our life together has been great. I will be bloody jealous of her. The only thing that makes me chuckle is that she is a born again christian and heavily involved in her church (which before this happened he told me was a cult to which she pays 10% of her income)and he is an athiest - I will enjoy thinking of him going to church with her! I am sure god is very proud of her sending messages to a married man with 2 very young children telling him she will make him happier than he has ever been and they will have great sex together!!! Sorry, i shouldn't blame her but I can't help it.

sweetie - people used to think that about my H - that is until the truth started to come out when we split up. it hurts like hell - won't lie to you, it really will do, and we had some fantastic times. I really thougth he was right for me. to start with I hated the idea of him kissing someone, etc etc talking to anyone- and infact found messages on his mobile from another woman 2 weeks later (saved form the night he left) that was the point when I thought enough.

what i'm saying is you get to a point when you think I can do this, the haze lifts and no matter how much I love H there would have to been too many changes for it to work out. Take some time out, and think really deep down really and be completely honest with yourself - if your H can't come to you and say i'll give you 1000% in the future and never see her again it's better to be alone (afaic) than it is to be in a relationship where only one is trying.

until I actually was on my own& done some really deep searching I didn't realise how lonely I was within my marriage. only you can decide what's best for you.

I know you are right DTM but it is hard for me to see. It is only 5 months since he asked me to marry him and 4 months since we were planning a future in our new home. it is our 9 year anniversary in a few weeks. This has all come as a great shock to me and I think he is just having a mid life crisis. It is a head and heart thing isn't it. My head tells me one thing but my heart tells me another and which do you listen to? am so pleased that things have worked out for you. hope I am as lucky as either you or HW

I know it does. believe me I know - 8 weeks before H left I had another baby on the way, a beautiful boy a lovely house (well a house) a secure future and everything was looking good - 6 weeks later i'd lost it all apart from DS. sometimes we have to let them go so they can realise what they've got and come back (if you choose to have them back). how would you feel about a trial seperation?