Is he taking the p*** now?

[Layla17]

I started a thread a few monthe ago when my dp and father of my 2 young dd's told me he wanted to leave. You were all a great help to me. In the end he did not leave and we have been trying to sort thngs out. We have been to Relate and we are getting on really well. He is working away this week and last night i spoke to him about the fact that we are not having sex at the moment. He said he was still not sure about us and that he didn't want sex to confuse things. He said he still cannot give me any guarantees. I was working on the basis that things were going well and we were gettng back on track and now I feel as if all my hopes have been shattered. Worse stll, he is going to his works party on Friday and the OW is gong to be there and I am worried what may happen if alcohol is thrown into the mix.
Has anyone got any advice?

oh layla i think you need to show him the door to be honest, i know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but i don`t think this is going to get any better

If he has kept pictures of her on his phone just shows he`s not over there friendship (or what ever they have had)

I think you need to get away from all this maybe stay at friends or your family? as you need to really think about you and your dcs future this cant go on, and i really feel for you.

If your worried about being on your own the please don`t be, its not as bad as you think i promise

I have had it out with him and he has accepted that it was wrong and has said he doesn't know why he kept the photos. He has said that he does not want to be with her and that there is not and will not be anything going on. He wants to be with me and that is that. I have given him another way out and he has not taken it.

What more can i do? We live in a big house and my wages pay for it so I cannot leave and he will not because he wants us to be together.

I still love him so I cannot do anything else.

Your relationship sounds like torture i really feel sad for you and frustrated with your dh. After all how hard would it be for him to make the effort and have sex with you when he knows that by not doing it is hurting you and making you feel insecure. The actual pysical act might make him reconnect with you which should be his ultimate goal.
The ow is not the problem your dh is he is distancing himself emotionally and physically. In your situation I would give him an ultimatum and tell him he is either with you or not but you are not prepared to feel lonely and insecure in your relationship any longer.
If he loves you he will make the effort if not then he will either walk or you will have to push him. Bottom line is how your living at the moment is unhealthy emotionally for you and unless sorted could go on for years.

I really dont know how you have put up with this behaviour for so long! I dont know how you can possibly say you can still love someone who has treated you in this way. Sorry to be harsh but he doenst deserve you, this situation will never improve and will only make you ill. Although your children are young Im sure your unhappiness will be having an effect on them.

If he really wanted you then the photos would have gone and the sex would have resumed, he wouldnt have gone to the party and he would be bending over backwards for his family.

Im six years on after an 11 year marriage that ended after he admitted to having feelings for someone at work and kissing her at the xmas party! Im now happily married an expecting a baby any day. You must be strong and realise that there is life after a break up.

Take that control now and use it - you have to use the leap of faith as to whether you believe him at the moment. He needs to earn that trust back and it will be slow.

I just wish he could talk to my h who would tell him exactly what he needs to do now. The photos need to go and he needs to be totally honest with you from now on and he still needs to accept that you will feel insucure from time to time.

But you needs to know if this is really what you want - it is not an easy path to take and you will now slowly be asking lots of questions of yourself and your feelings.

Remember you are strong and have nothing to be ashamed of - (you certainly do not have to be afraid of ever meeting her and facing her). By staying he is showing you and hopefully her what he wants YOU.

It may still take some time for him to 'get it'. My h seems to have finally got it and it has only taken a year.

Your realationship can survive and be stronger and better and that is what you really deserve if that is what you really want now.

Good luck and try not to dwell on what has happened too much just enjoy each day and remember he did have a way out and if he chose not to take it and it is still going on then he will be the biggest fool not you.

I would rather be a fool anyday than a thoughtless selfish person.

Take care and do keep in touch.

Thanks HW

THings have improved over the last few days. I have not looked at his phone so I do not know if the photos are still there but if they are then that is his problem. I am trying to trust him and one minute I do and then the next I do not - it is really hard isn't it. How did you learn to trust your dh again? How did he help you do that?

One good thing is that our sex life has started again. Basically I left him a note telling him what I wanted to do to him and then we went out (girls were out for the night) and by the time we got home he was gagging for it. It was the best sex we had ever had. I think he was quite shocked - we had got into a bit of a rut before all this happened.

Also, we were sleeping in the same room at weekend and separate rooms during the week so he could have 'space' but he has not gone back to the spare room since before xmas. I really hope he does not as that hurts me a lot.

Now my problem is that I am trying not to think that things are back to normal because I do not want it all to go wrong agan.

How have other people coped with the uncertainty of trying to make a relationship work but not knowing if your partner is still wanting to leave?

Hi again. I need some good advice. My heart is telling me one thing and my head another. RL friends and family are saying different things.
Everything had been going really well with dp. He told me he was happy again and although he had bad days he was glad we are together. We were making plans for the future and everything was v positive . There was no sign of the OW. Sex life was going great and I was happy again.
Then on Sunday morning he went out without his phone and I decided to have a look. he had a folder with 5 or 6 messages from her in it. 2 were the photos she had sent him and the others were a message in November saying she missed and loved him and one in December saying she wanted him to make the right decision and be with her. The last one was on Xmas day saying that she could not bear to be without him and wanted them to be together next xmas and how she would make him happier than he had ever been.
I confronted him and after trying to deny that he had led her on he admittted that she wants him to leave me and go to her and that she sends him the odd text and when he is feeling low he has sent her the odd text.
He said that he wants to be with me and is happy but he cannot get her out of his head. He is trying and they have not seen each other or had contact but he loves her. He is not in love with her and he does not know if it is a frinedship thing or not. He loves me and wants to be with me but cannot control what he feels for her.
I left with the girls but came back yesterday. He thinks he should leave because he has hurt me too much but I have persuaded him to stay.
I am desperate. I do not want to lose him and cannot bear the thought of him being with someone else. I still love him and know that we can make it work. I know you are all going to say that I am being stupid and to throw him out but I just cannot do it.
Any advice on coping with this or winning a man back?

This is what I think you should do given that you really want to stay with him.

Dealbreaker time.

Look at it from his POV for just a minute - he loves and wants to stay with you, but at the same time he really likes this woman and is having a tough time letting her go completely, especially as she keeps contacting him. So acknowledge that it is tough on him. (How many diets have you broken in your lifetime, eh?)

BUT

He now needs to understand that it is dealbreaker time for you. If he wants to stay with you he MUST break ALL contact with her for once and for all. No more texts, no more coffees 'as friends'. Or he will have to leave. Get him to agree to this, seriously, in writing if necessary. Tell him you feel you can't be sure you can trust him and will may find yourself checking his phone/emails/whatever. Make sure you do check, at least once.

If he contacts her and you find out, then show him the door. It may be because he really wants you to throw him out and end it all, or it may show him that you mean business and if he wants you he has to make the committment.

Easily said by me, I know, but good luck.

How can he say he's had no contact with her when he admits that they have been sending each other texts?

Is it possible to change his mobile number so that she can't text him any more?

It sounds like your DP is a weak man who ants YOU to make the decision for him.

If you throw him out it absolves him of being seen as 'leaving you'.

I'm sorry but I think he's already left mentally....

Thanks for the advice. He has said that they are not in contact but I do not know whether to believe him - he has lied so much before. What worries me is that he has made the decision to go but is humouring me so he doesn't look like a shit. Do you think I am being a mug. I know he will regret it if he goes - we had such a good life and this is totally out of character for him. But if he loves someone else even if he loves me as well - I cannot offer excitement and freshness and social nlife - our dd's are 1 and 3! How can I compete.
I suppose i am scared that I lay down the law and he says that he cannot do that and goes. I canot bear the thought when on Saturday everything was going well and if I hadn't have seen those messages chances are that we would have continued to get stronger and his bond with her would have got weaker.

Hi Layla.

I hate to be negative but from your very first post I have been worrying that you aren't seeing what's in front of you:

1. Your DP sleeps in a separate room
2. Your DP won't have sex with you
3. Your DP admits he is confused about what he wants from your relationship
4. You have caught your DP befriending another woman in an appropriate way
5. Your DP belittles you when you raise your (very valid) concerns about lack of sex and whether or not he wants you in his life.
6. Your DP then resumes sex-life and all seems well over the Xmas period (presumably he was on leave from work).
7. Most damning of all he is receiving text messages from another woman telling him how much she loves him and wants to be with him. A woman would not do this unbidden.

As much as I hate to say it, I would be very, very surprised if he hadn't had or is currently having an affair of some sort with this woman. The signs are there and they are real - they are also so typical of this sort of situation (believe me I know).

I do hope I am wrong, but I could have written these posts a few years ago.

All the best
dejags
x

dejags - what happened in your situation? How did you cope?

Layla,

I'd prefer not to go into it on the www. If you would like to CAT me, I'll happily tell you all about it though.

dejags
x

People do get over affairs though, don't they? Or am I just sounding desperate now?

"He thinks he should leave because he has hurt me too much"

Tbh this sounds to me as though he wants to leave but while looking as though he is making some sort of noble sacrifice. Instead of thinking "You b*stard, leaving me for the OW!" you would be thinking "He only left because he was thinking of me and my feelings." I know you desperately want him to stay but please don't let him manipulate you like this.

My head agrees with you but my heart doesn't want to give up on us. I cannot bear the thought of being without him and having to see him with OW and her spending time with my babies.

i would expect him not to go - for MY feelings. if he sceams " you dont trust me how dare you" i would say " too fucking right i don't"

he sounds like a cock. oh what power he weilds in his own little universe of two women that revolve around him.

when my marriage was at its lowest and i left the condition of me coming back were clear bang, bang, bang, there was no middle ground - he fucked up I have the power - he has to make amends

how come your dh still had the power here?

he did fuck another woman - if he wants it to work - he should be kissing your arse ( or fanny) surely?

it it really worth your dignity though?

after reading it all - I am with custy - you need to take back some personal power and dignity. If he is confused etc - he goes and thinks about what he wants. If it is you - then those things that others have stated are deal breakers - he comes back under these circumstances

as custy said if he was serious about being back with you then you needed to lay down some serious ground rules - he breaks them then all bets are off and he is out on his arse.

he has lied to you - as dejags has set out - is you had a friend in your situation - what advice would you give her, what would you think of the not so dear h.

All those behaviours etc point to some form of deceit.

Sorry but he is playing you.

what happened to you custardo and how did it work out?

I am worried that if he goes he will go to her. I asked him what he wanted this morning and he said he does not know but if he had wanted to go to her he would have gone last night. Do I believe that - I'm not sure.

Okay - he goes - he goes to her - she has to live with the worry that what goes around, comes around anyway not your worry. You can get on and build the family home and life your little ones deserve. What are you teaching them about self respect and worth. Just a thought.

Hurtful - sure
sad - sure
angry - sure

BUT at least you are not left wondering what is happening, basing your life on his indecision, being treated with such disrespect and almost derision.

He is too much of a wuss to make the decision for himself. He is waiting for you. That way he can play the sympathy vote - oh look she kicked me out, ow can join in - oh poor you - she kicked you out, come stay with me [puke]

YOu can then take stock and get on with your life and stop waiting around for someone to make decisions for you.

He has clearly shown you and your feelings so little respect - is he truly worth it.

At the moment you are a certainty for him, a reserve, an always there option ( sadly it seem so are his children).

Take a few moments to tell him it won't always be this way. Your devotion to him and making this relationship work has a natural lifespan and if he fucks it up one day it will be him and OW babysitting while you are out finding a new partner and full-time father for your children.....see how he likes the taste of that scenario

In my experience in these situations they either play one of three ways:

You will give your DP an ultimatum to come clean and tell you the the truth or leave.

First scenario:

He will come clean, immediately realise what an absolute arsehole he's been and move heaven and earth to fix things. The type of conciliatory behaviour I am talking about is more than just giving you the sex life you need but things that matter. For example, he should move jobs, should change phones and for a while give you his existing phone/passwords for email etc. Anybody can make a mistake, it's how you approach fixing your cock-ups that matters. You may well decide to give him the boot anyway.

Second scenario:

He will come clean and leave you. This is a definite possibility. Whilst you cannot see it now, believe me, it is better to be on your own than living with a wanker who doesn't deserve you. It's also detrimental to the children in the long term.

Third scenario:

He will continue to bullshit you. You will continue to half heartedly believe him. Your self esteem will be shattered (if it already hasn't been so) and you will live a very unhappy life.

I am sorry if I sound really black and white about this, but I really, really do believe you deserve better.

It is totally possible to get over an affair. Unfortunately there is no possibility of you forgiving him until he has admitted what he's done and made every effort to win you back.

Your choices are difficult ones, but you know you need to make them and soon.